Listener Stories: Vol. 88
Stories:
1: Third Man Syndrome and the Elevator (or I just realized 25 years later what I experienced) - Stephanie (she/her)
2: My own third man syndrome story - Maddy (she/her)
3: Third Man Syndrome Experience??? NOT CLICKBAIT - Monica (she/her)
4: My first martini was bought by a hired hitman - Leigha (she/her)
5: Toilet Exorcism - Patty (she/her)
6: In the SPIRIT of Valentine's Day - Miranda (she/her)
Happy February, boozers and shakers! Join us for a lovely romp down food poisoning lane. We were hoping to leave potty problems in the past but not before we hear from a listener who may have hallucinated their own toilet exorcism. We also have some sweet and unnerving stories related to Third Man Syndrome and even a creepy Valentine's Day tribute. Oh, and don't forget the debilitating fear of elevators... and that's why we drink!
Transcript
[intro music]
Em Schulz: Christine. See, I did it again. [laughter] All I ever do is just...
Christine Schiefer: Stop doing that.
Em Schulz: I can't stop it. But I did have a thing to, to announce to you. I think that was my way of trying to like beat you to the punch. Umm, first of all, happy February.
Christine Schiefer: It's just an... Why February? Come on, people.
Em Schulz: February. Umm, happy Feb. Also, I need to tell you, we were just recording another episode.
Christine Schiefer: Mm-hmm.
Em Schulz: Umm, and as we were recording it, I got, I heard like someone like pounding on the door.
Christine Schiefer: What?
Em Schulz: Umm, not on the troll hole door, but on the apartment door.
Christine Schiefer: Oh.
Em Schulz: I heard someone banging and I was like, I don't know what that is. It's probably like mail or something, but it was a really aggressive bang and I...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, oh.
Em Schulz: Would've usually gotten up to open it, but, or, uh, Allison's here. So she, I, I didn't hear the banging anymore, so I was like, oh, she must have gotten it. Apparently I got a text shortly after that, which I only read just now. That said, uh, what did it say? It says, "You missed a visit by the fuzz."
Christine Schiefer: Huh?
Em Schulz: The Johnny Five-0...
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] What?
Em Schulz: Apparently made an appearance at the Schulz-Forth manor today. And, uh, apparently, it was to ask us if we noticed anything because the other night, umm, Allison and I were up until like 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Umm, we had taken a very long nap during the day, so we ended up pulling a middle of the night situation and we went out until like 2:00 in the morning, and when we were coming back, I guess someone followed us into our building and we didn't even notice, which terrifies me.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] Oh my God.
Em Schulz: And apparently he stole like a bunch of packages.
Christine Schiefer: So just followed you to get inside the building, basically...
Em Schulz: Thank God. But yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Straight up followed us.
Christine Schiefer: Holy shit...
Em Schulz: Like on foot. And like, 'cause we, we live in like uh, a gated apartment and I guess he must been waiting near the gate for someone to open it up and we drove in.
Christine Schiefer: Oh my Lord. That's scary.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Freaked me out...
Christine Schiefer: And you know, I never knew what to do in those scenarios because it's like, you know, they say like, I remember in college they were like, don't let, don't like hold the door for people. But it's also like, I'm not gonna slam it in someone's face and be like, prove that you live here. Like I don't wanna...
Em Schulz: I know.
Christine Schiefer: Be that guy, you know? So it's like, how do you even handle that? That's hard. Wow. That's scary though. I mean...
Em Schulz: It's scary that I didn't even notice, that like someone was, like it could have been someone much worse. And then apparently...
Christine Schiefer: Well, I mean, yeah, thank God it was just the packages.
Em Schulz: Well, I guess, uh, Allison said that I couldn't come out and answer anything because I was in the middle of recording my True Crime podcast and the cop was like, oh, well, tell them that there is a Burbank cold case that we just solved with genetics. Uh.
Christine Schiefer: Sorry, is this like, uh, fucking the newest like HBO comedy show? It's like comedy cop series.
Em Schulz: I was like, are we murders in the building? Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: That's the one I'm thinking. I'm like, am, am I Selena Gomez? What's happening?
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: That is so weird.
Em Schulz: Anyway, if you wanted to look up solved Burbank cold case, apparently...
Christine Schiefer: I mean, yeah.
Em Schulz: They just solved it. And...
Christine Schiefer: Of course I do.
Em Schulz: He was very excited for someone to talk about it, so.
Christine Schiefer: I mean, I'm, I'm thrilled that he was like, hey, guess what? [laughter]
Em Schulz: I know. I'm wondering if he's the one who solved it and he's like, oh, someone should report this immediately.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Ask Al, what his name was 'cause I've, I've already got the, the article up, so, uh...
Em Schulz: Oh. Perfect. Okay, great.
Christine Schiefer: This is of course just horribly sad. Uh.
Em Schulz: Oh, okay. Nevermind.
Christine Schiefer: Yikes. Cool. Great.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: I mean, of course it was going to be...
Em Schulz: For your discretion. Umm.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, just FYI, but, uh, Wowza, but I mean, this happened in the '80s and, uh, they put him away. Thank God. Umm.
Em Schulz: Wow. Anyway...
Christine Schiefer: Yikes.
Em Schulz: That's your fun fact. Your February fun fact.
Christine Schiefer: Wowza. Well, Em, that was quite, who... Imagine if we knew, like imagine if you had a ring doorbell and like you just looked down and there was like police at the door. You'd be like, umm...
Em Schulz: I'd be, I'd be like...
Christine Schiefer: I know you're telling a story right now, Christine, but like, there's, there's a situation.
Em Schulz: I would've been like, thank God, 'cause I'm like so fearful of all that nonsense. I was like, thank God we're recording right now. Like, don't go anywhere while I answer this fucking door.
Christine Schiefer: I feel like I would've been like, pick up the laptop and walk over there.
Em Schulz: Yeah, exactly.
Christine Schiefer: I've got a recording. I wanna know.
Em Schulz: Held you in front of them and you'd be like, "Hello, officer."
Christine Schiefer: I would've been like, "Show me your badge number." [laughter] Oh God. Wow. What, what a day you're having already, Em.
Em Schulz: I know, I know. Anyway, now my like, personal fear is like, what if the guy who followed us in now, like...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, God.
Em Schulz: Was dressed as a cop and just knocked on our door. That freaks me out of like, what if he's the bad guy all along.
Christine Schiefer: That's why you ask for his badge number. I just told you.
Em Schulz: You are right. Anyway, with that, that's the first story everyone's getting from us this month. How was January for you, Christine?
Christine Schiefer: Listener story. Umm, it was great. We kicked off tour. It was fun. We had fun. We traveled, we...
Em Schulz: Had fun.
Christine Schiefer: It felt like... We had fun. It felt like things were really, uh, back to, I don't wanna say back to normal, but like, you know, back to the old grind of touring and flying and all that nonsense. Umm.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: How, how about, how about you?
Em Schulz: How about me? Umm, it's, yeah, feels like, uh, things are kind of moving and grooving the right way. Although I will say the tour, even though the tour itself, the being on stage part was much better than I expected it to go, the other parts were much worse than I expected them to go.
Christine Schiefer: Right. Fair point.
Em Schulz: Umm, and I had just about, me and Eva had the worst food poisoning we've ever had in our entire lives. And honestly, I think the reason our first show of the tour went so well, like in terms of like my, my fear, my stage fright, I didn't even have time to think about stage fright.
Christine Schiefer: No.
Em Schulz: So was so worried about like, pooping myself in front of...
Christine Schiefer: I'm so glad...
Em Schulz: An audience of people.
Christine Schiefer: You said that because putting that bacteria in your food was a really hard decision for me to make. But I figured, [laughter] how else can I get Em over and you know...
Em Schulz: And Eva.
Christine Schiefer: It was just collateral damage. Umm...
Em Schulz: And she took a bite...
Christine Schiefer: You know, I just...
Em Schulz: Of mine by accident and you were like, no.
Christine Schiefer: I needed it to be realistic. Okay? Uh, and so when you said a cop showed up at your door, I thought oh, oh, they're onto me, but thankfully, it was not about that.
Em Schulz: I was like, there she is officer. Umm...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. No, no, no. In all seriousness, they had terrible food poisoning. It was horrendous because our flight, I got picked up with a... For the airport at 5:45 AM then the Uber went picked them up at the airport and, umm, Em came down and said, don't speak to me. And then...
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Eva was nowhere and we thought, this can't be good. And so then Eva...
Em Schulz: Eva couldn't even make it down. Like we were supposed to leave by like 5:40 in the morning. And the car came to get us at exactly 5:40. And Eva didn't even come down until 6:00.
Christine Schiefer: No. And like...
Em Schulz: She was just, she couldn't move.
Christine Schiefer: That's Eva, folks. Like, you know that that's, that something's wrong. So, uh, Eva texts me and is like, can you come up and help me please? And I was like, oh my God, this is really bad. [laughter] So I go up and of course, thankfully the guy at the front desk is like, I'm not letting you up to someone's room. And I was like, that's the correct answer. Thank you. [laughter] But also please call her. So he called her and she, and then they let me up and then Eva was like, I can't close my suitcase. And I was like, oh, darling. Oh, it was just like, oh my God.
Em Schulz: And she was about to... And just so everyone knows, Eva on average travels with three pieces of luggage at least and so the fact that she couldn't even close one, but she was about to have to drag three of them through an airport. And then like...
Christine Schiefer: And that's like because of us not like, she's like high maintenance and has like a bag of shoes that she drag brings with her. It's like all our shit, like all our bullshit, our tools and stuff.
Em Schulz: Yeah. In total we usually travel with 8-10 pieces of luggage.
Christine Schiefer: It's insanity.
Em Schulz: The three of us.
Christine Schiefer: And so...
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: So we're like, I'm like, oh my God, let's get to the fucking airport and then how are we gonna even get on a plane? And Eva and I both have really like motion sickness issues. So we're on this plane and I'm like, between Em and Eva, and I'm like kind of like glancing back and forth and we hit turbulence and I'm like, I'm, listen...
Em Schulz: Eva's going down.
Christine Schiefer: I'm here. I was like, if one of us is, one of you two is going down. And I mean, listen, I was very fortunate I was not struck down by this food poisoning. Umm, one of us needed to like go get the rental car and like, you know, be functioning.
Em Schulz: And this is where I say on this February eve, on this eve of this February 1st. Christine, you really, you're the winner of January because you really handled it when we needed you the most. You like, we were, like we are talking about Eva a lot. That poor girl. Like the fact that like she still had to work backstage...
Christine Schiefer: Like work a lot.
Em Schulz: At the first show. And like in between like answering tech questions and stuff, would just like sprint to the bathroom.
Christine Schiefer: Just say vomit. Yeah.
Em Schulz: I was the opposite where at least I wasn't throwing up, but it was hurting in other ways if you catch my drift. And it was, I, I really was prepared. I thought about instacarting adult diapers to our first show. I was like, I mean, it was so miserable. And it was like, it wasn't even like it would just hit you randomly. It was like my stomach was, I was doubled over for hours.
Christine Schiefer: Like you didn't even get to sleep because of it. So on top of it...
Em Schulz: No.
Christine Schiefer: They were...
Em Schulz: I never went to sleep the first, our Philly show, I hadn't slept that night 'cause every... I had to run to the bathroom like every 10 minutes. And my goal, I was like trying to space out the intervals, intervals. I was like, just keep it together for 15 minutes, just for 15. And I think the best we got was 17 minutes. But I was sick sick sick.
Christine Schiefer: It was a noble pursuit.
Em Schulz: Oh my God. It was so bad.
Christine Schiefer: You two.
Em Schulz: And then I still felt sick for like through the whole tour. I wasn't feeling good. But Philly was a rough, rough day.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. And you really, I mean you really did like do the good compartmentalization of welp, got no time to focus on get being nervous, let's just fucking...
Em Schulz: Exactly.
Christine Schiefer: Knock it out the park.
Em Schulz: I was like, I'm not even nervous about fainting. I'm nervous about everyone witnessing a really awful waffle.
Christine Schiefer: It's like, it's like the thing that makes me wanna scream when my stepdad used to say like, if I'd be like, oh, my leg hurts. He's be like, you want me to hit you on the other leg so you forget about...
Em Schulz: Yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Like that bullshit. Like that's what happened to you in real life.
Em Schulz: That's, that was God being like, want me to make you have explosive situations instead? [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Lemme punch you in the guts real quick.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, yeah.
Em Schulz: Yeah. I was so foul. Like I was, I was... So I think that helped with the rest of the leg 'cause I was like, honestly, the fact that I feel better today and I didn't pass out on the worst version of this. Like maybe today's better, maybe tomorrow's better.
Christine Schiefer: I mean, you really pulled through both of you and I, I just didn't even, I mean there was nothing I could do. I was just helpless but I, I, I'm so glad that it ended as quickly as it did 'cause Eva was telling me horror stories of a friend who had some like thing for weeks and months and I was like...
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: Oh God, I'm so glad you guys are better. So, you know, if you're still hoping to see us soon live or you're planning to. [laughter] Know that we'll at least be in better, hopefully a better place.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: I was literally, I was so proud of myself for getting through like an hour and a half, like sitting on stage and not having to run to the bathroom, but I thought for sure that was gonna be the day. So, yeah, if you wanna see me in an even better mood, you can do that only...
Christine Schiefer: Wow.
Em Schulz: Up from here.
Christine Schiefer: Future shows.
Em Schulz: And, with that, that's my, my hope for February is that I don't have any tummy problems like I did in January.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Let's leave the, let's just say, umm, hmm. The, uh...
Em Schulz: The toilet...
Christine Schiefer: Let's leave it in the past.
Em Schulz: In the past.
Christine Schiefer: The toilet... Let's leave the potty problems in the past. Yeah.
Em Schulz: The potty in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um. Okay, well we've got some stories to tell you guys that are much less grotesque than that. Thank you Eva for picking them for us. We have, three and three. So do you wanna go first or me this time Christine?
Christine Schiefer: Um, why don't you go first?
Em Schulz: The first one is written by Stephanie. Use a she/her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns, Stephanie. Umm, and Stephanie's subject line is, "Third man syndrome and the elevator."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: Uh, and then in parentheses it says, "or I just realized 25 years later what I experienced." So, I'm thinking our third man syndrome episode recently gave an awakening to Stephanie.
Christine Schiefer: Well you saw...
Em Schulz: That's where I think we're going.
Christine Schiefer: The post right on Slack. This is why sometimes you really gotta get in there, 'cause I tag you in the things that are important. Megan shared a BuzzFeed article. Did you see that?
Em Schulz: Yes, I did see that.
Christine Schiefer: That, that said it was inspired by your episode.
Em Schulz: Yeah. And then the writer of the article, DMed me on Insta too.
Christine Schiefer: Wow, okay. So you're really talk about awakenings, man. You are... That struck a nerve.
Em Schulz: Apparently so, yeah. At least to two people. So I'm happy about that. Stephanie says, "Hello Em, Eva, Christine. My name is Stephanie. She/her and I just started listening to episode 360 about The Third Man Syndrome and I immediately went, oh my God, I've experienced that."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: And as Stephanie's writing this, Stephanie has not finished the episode yet. So, immediately felt, uh, the need to say something to us.
Christine Schiefer: Wow.
Em Schulz: And Stephanie says, "Rewind the clock back to 1999 or 2000. I was in college and I was visiting my friend at school since I was on break. Since this person and I are no longer friends drama, I'll just call them X." Okay.
Christine Schiefer: Tineschiefer. Oh, oh.
Em Schulz: Oh, I was thinking more like, X is like, your ex-friend. But yes. But yes, Xtineschiefer I meant it.
Christine Schiefer: I've seen it myself, of course.
Em Schulz: "X and I were heading back up to her dorm room, and we decided to take the elevator because she was on the third or fourth floor. The elevator door started to close, so X put her hand in it to stop it. Well, it did not stop..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "And the outer door closed on her hand." Oh my god.
Christine Schiefer: That's a nightmare already.
Em Schulz: Which now, my also, my fear too is if the door closes on your hand, and the elevator thinks like we're all good to go, are you gonna get pulled?
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Like your hand's going to get ripped off. Oh my god.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Oh my God. Okay. "We tried to get the elevator to open, but it wouldn't. Someone ran upstairs to try to send it back down, while someone else called the police and fire department. A few guys tried to pry the door open with no luck, and my job was to keep X calm."
Christine Schiefer: Oh my God.
Em Schulz: "This random guy walked around the corner though, and offered to help and with his help, they were able to open the door enough to get her hand out. We turned to thank him, and he was gone."
Christine Schiefer: Mmm.
Em Schulz: "No one ever saw him. She and I visited the ER with only bruising, and coincidentally, the second time I've ridden on the back of a police car without being arrested." I love that. I love the drama [laughter] that you're leaving out of these stories.
Christine Schiefer: I love this. X, X sounds like trouble in the best way.
Em Schulz: X sounds like you will always have a story next to X.
Christine Schiefer: Like some sort of connection, yeah.
Em Schulz: Uh, "we always chalked it up to being her guardian angel. Listening to the podcast today made me remember this. Also, Christine, my friend perforated her eardrum with a Q-tip, and I..."
Christine Schiefer: I told you. Trouble. Trouble, trouble.
Em Schulz: "And I still use them to clean my ear. I'll never learn. Stay safe." The irony of writing stay safe after that.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Stephanie.
Christine Schiefer: You too. Likewise. Probably more so.
Em Schulz: "PS October Scorpios are the best." And so, umm, I think you just wanted me to say that out loud, but I didn't...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Mean it. I just want everyone to know I was saying what Stephanie said.
Christine Schiefer: And was crossing their fingers when they said that.
Em Schulz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Wowza. Okay. So we got like a dorm room RA ghost or...
Em Schulz: Someone.
Christine Schiefer: A college guardian angel. Yeah. I don't know what that is. That's creepy. Umm.
Em Schulz: And you know what freaks me out about The Third Man Syndrome too is that like are they coming because if they didn't show up, you would actually fucking die?
Christine Schiefer: That's a true... That's a great point. Like, was it really that bad of an emergency that they were like, I need to stop this from happening? Like, stop fate or stop, to change fate?
Em Schulz: Right. 'Cause I've been in, I've been in some pretty gnarly situations, and no one ever fucking showed up third man wise for me. And I survived them. So I'm like, if I didn't, is that when I gotta be worried? Like, am I, am I in the beginnings of crossing into a realm where I can see these people? You know? So.
Christine Schiefer: Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who knows what the, what the real outcome would have been? That's...
Em Schulz: I know.
Christine Schiefer: Horrible. Horrible. I mean, that's a nightmare to get your arm or limb stuck in an elevator door.
Em Schulz: I'd be screaming. I mean, there, there's no way I would have kept calm. It's so...
Christine Schiefer: Elevators are one of those things where when people say they have a fear of elevators, like a phobia, I'm like, I get it. Like, I don't, I don't but I get it. And umm...
Em Schulz: I'm mad at myself for not having one because it's against nature to even be in an elevator. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Or like a fear of heights. I'm, you know, I'm like, these things make a lot of sense.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: So I don't critique them at all. I mean, Eva just text me the other day saying apparently she had forgotten, but when she was little, she had like a debilitating fear of elevators. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Oh my God.
Christine Schiefer: And she said it was because one time she ran away from her parents. I wonder if that's why she picked that story. She just said one time she ran away from her parents and like ended up on an elevator or something...
Em Schulz: Aww.
Christine Schiefer: Or that's at least what her sister said. And that's why she thinks she had that fear for a long time.
Em Schulz: Oh, that's so sad.
Christine Schiefer: That is so scary.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Uh, so, you know, I get it. I get it. Okay. So, this is another submission. Oh my God. Okay. Wait. This one is also called My Own Third Man Syndrome Story, Em, you're really...
Em Schulz: What the hell?
Christine Schiefer: Causing a ruckus here.
Em Schulz: All right. I guess we've got ourselves, we've got ourselves a theme, I think.
Christine Schiefer: We got a theme. This is from Maddy, She/her. It says, "Hello to the whole ATWWD gang. My name is Maddy, She/her and I have my own third man syndrome story that still shakes me up when I think about it. When I was twelve, I was in a really bad car accident. I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Please everyone, wear a seatbelt." Thank you, Maddy.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: Please, folks.
Em Schulz: Thank you for normalizing seatbelts.
Christine Schiefer: Thank you. It's, it needs, it needs to be said. "I'd been thrown into the windshield and I broke the windshield with my face."
Em Schulz: [gasp] Oh my God.
Christine Schiefer: "Broke my back."
Em Schulz: [gasp]
Christine Schiefer: "Punctured a lung, cut my spleen, and had twenty seven stitches on the bridge of my nose and forehead." Holy shit.
Em Schulz: I don't know which of those was, like, in a... Fuck, marry, kill situation with all of those injuries, all of those sounded, I don't, there's not one I would prefer over the other. All of those were horrible.
Christine Schiefer: It's all fucking terrifying.
Em Schulz: Oh my God. Oh my God.
Christine Schiefer: She said, "Anyway, I was kind of a bloody mess and I blacked out in the wreck. I woke up in the..."
Em Schulz: Good. Just to, just to ignore the pain, I hope.
Christine Schiefer: I know.
Em Schulz: Just blackout.
Christine Schiefer: That's when, that's when our bodies are like, let's not remember this part.
Em Schulz: Um. That's when you, that's when the laptop just reboots itself. It's like mmm mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. The rainbow spinning wheel comes on and you're like, cool. We're going to just freeze.
Em Schulz: We're overheating. It's time to, it's time to be done.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. [laughter] "I woke up in the ditch on the secluded country road and I was pacing back and forth crying while blood was pouring from my face."
Em Schulz: Jesus Christ.
Christine Schiefer: "As I had turn." What the fuck? "As I had turned around to continue my pacing, a man was suddenly standing there and he shoved a washcloth in my face and walked away." [laughter] I didn't.
Em Schulz: Pfft. What an aggressive guardian angel, like put this on your fucking face, you dirty bloody monster.
Christine Schiefer: Don't tell anyone that I was here.
Em Schulz: You look disgusting...
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Clean yourself up.
Em Schulz: I had to come down from Heaven to clean you.
Christine Schiefer: Go clean yourself up with some water.
Em Schulz: You're embarrassing me. They're looking at all my clients today. It's performance review day.
Christine Schiefer: My clients.
Em Schulz: You look so bad.
Christine Schiefer: Oh God.
Em Schulz: Take this washcloth.
Christine Schiefer: You get it together, little girl.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: "I didn't think anything of it other than maybe someone had stopped to help. While I was trying to stop the bleeding in my face, I looked down and noticed my knee was also bleeding like crazy. I saw the man sitting in his truck and I walked up to him. And for some reason, when I got to him, I felt calm. And I said, excuse me, sir, do you have another washcloth for my knee?" This is wild.
Em Schulz: This feels like a fever dream because no one would ever approach a strange man in a truck at all. But I guess you're already such a mess like...
Christine Schiefer: Well, you're in an emergency and he just helped you. "He didn't say a word and just handed me another washcloth and I walked away to sit on the side of the road and wait for help. Ambulance arrived and I was put in a stretcher. And while the EMT was putting my neck brace on and hooking up the oxygen," wait, but also, wait, think about her pacing back and forth and she has broken her back by the way, just so you know.
Em Schulz: Literally I've already thought I, I've already thought about.
Christine Schiefer: What is happening. This is like horrific.
Em Schulz: I'm like the adrenaline is out of control.
Christine Schiefer: It must be surging. Uh, okay. "And hooking up the oxygen, she asked me where I got the washcloth and I told her the man in the truck who stopped to help us. She gave me a weird look like she had no idea what I was talking about. I was admitted to the ER and was there for a few days. When I got out of the hospital, I told my parents about this man and they wanted to thank him for helping me, but I had no idea who he was. I called the people I was in the car accident with and asked if they by chance got his name and they were like, what are you talking about? No one was there with us. My heart sank to my stomach. I adamantly told them, you have to remember him, he was in a white shirt." It's always a white shirt, Em.
Em Schulz: All always in white.
Christine Schiefer: "He was in a white shirt, blue jeans, a cowboy hat and was driving the white work truck. They both told me no one was at the scene of the accident other than the paramedics that showed up. Even 15 years later, I've asked them about it and they still do not know what I'm talking about. I assume maybe it was some sort of guardian angel, but after listening to the episode on third man syndrome, I realized that's what it must have been. I just wanted to share my story with you all. You guys are the best and I look forward to the episodes coming out every week." Wow.
Em Schulz: Well also...
Christine Schiefer: I'm glad you're okay, Maddy. That's fucking terrifying.
Em Schulz: The way I would have saved that washcloth and like sewn it into like a little like...
Christine Schiefer: Proof. Yeah.
Em Schulz: I would have, I would have kept it as like a tchotchke.
Christine Schiefer: Mm-hmm...
Em Schulz: I would have put it somewhere and like held onto it. Like, I don't know what I would have done with that thing, but there's no throwing that washcloth away. But I feel like that has to be, there's something eerie about it on either end of the spectrum, because either there's a grown ass man who just watched you fly through a windshield with a broken back.
Em Schulz: A little girl by the way. Yeah.
Em Schulz: And didn't react, didn't react more than just give you a washcloth without saying, are you okay?
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Or it's, so like in that way, if he's human, that's a weird fucking behavior to have.
Christine Schiefer: Agreed.
Em Schulz: And if it's a spirit, that's also weird. Like neither way he did, there, there didn't seem to be like an emotional urgency for you. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, the only, the only thing that I guess like strikes me is that she said she was very calm in his presence. So I wonder if it was more just like the, his energy was, was calming and that was all he needed to do.
Em Schulz: Maybe he was like, match my energy.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Don't, don't overreact.
Christine Schiefer: But I also...
Em Schulz: Which is, I mean, that happened when I saw my grandpa, like I had a really weird...
Christine Schiefer: Oh yeah!
Em Schulz: Calming effect that I can still, it's still, it felt so different than just being calm. It felt like it was forced upon me.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Because it was like, oh, you're seeing a ghost. Well, naturally you'd freak out, but people report feeling very calmed as if somebody had like washed them with calmness to like prevent them from freaking out.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: But I also wonder like, you know, third man wise, like you were in this terrible accident and stuff, but like, I mean, I know he handed you a washcloth, but like, was he just there to watch? Like, what was he doing?
Em Schulz: Right. Like what was the vibe was like?
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] I mean, I guess maybe to comfort you, maybe like he somehow saved your life before the washcloth and you just didn't know.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Or I don't know. It's just, that's a really creepy one though.
Em Schulz: He was like on, on alert just in case you needed him, but...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Anyway.
Christine Schiefer: Do you have another washcloth for my knee, sir?
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: As your broken back 12 year old girl comes up.
Em Schulz: I'd be like, do you happen since you have a Mary Poppins bag of heaven sent items?
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Do you have an ambulance you could spot me? [laughter] Do you have some packet...
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Do you have a wee bandage? Do you have a wee bandage in there for my spleen 'cause I raptured it and...
Em Schulz: Do you have Morphine and Dilaudid and all this other shit, please?
Christine Schiefer: This poor girl, man, 12 is so little. Oh God, Maddy. I'm glad you're okay. That's all.
Em Schulz: But also like how cool is it that like maybe he, if that also, I wonder is the third man your guardian angel like, or is it just like a random one who like spotted you and like he was there to pay attention to someone else.
Christine Schiefer: Right is it personal?
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Or is it like, which I feel like you talked about in the third man episode, like is it like a group of beings that are just ready or is it like you're assigned to one person or spirit.
Em Schulz: Like it's almost like, are you like in guardian angel worlds? Is there like a department that are just like part of ER trauma or whatever where it's like...
Christine Schiefer: Right. Like car crashes or whatever? Yeah.
Em Schulz: Like they're not yours, but they're just...
Christine Schiefer: Or is there... Is he like new on the job. And they're like, we'll give you the washcloth task. And he's like, What?
Em Schulz: Yeah. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: That's it. Yeah. And you're not allowed to speak. You have no speaking role.
Em Schulz: Yeah. I wonder like, if he, if he was yours, in which case, how cool is it that you know what your guardian angel looks like?
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Or was he just like a random person on the clock as a guardian angel and like...
Christine Schiefer: Who just happened to be.
Em Schulz: And now whenever you think about like being safe, you think about that guy, but he was like just an intern. He was unpaid, you know, like he was like, he's just a random guy and you're not actually thinking about your real guardian angels.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, he's just an extra...
Em Schulz: Wow. Anyway, we do have ourselves an official theme here because the third story I have for you is called "Third man syndrome experience, NOT CLICKBAIT."
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] You realize person who said that, that immediately makes me think it's actually clickbait.
Em Schulz: I know. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I dunno why you would write that.
Em Schulz: I feel like it's like my mom brand new to the internet who's like, this is something you do want to see 100% [laughter] don't question it.
Christine Schiefer: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Em Schulz: This is from Monica, who is a she/her pronoun. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And Monica says, "Howdy, I was listening to EM'S 101 class on third man syndrome, and I think my family might have had an experience similar to it. The twist is though, that we actually know who it was." Whoa.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: So this answers my question right away. "Back in 2015, my brother, uh there was another car accident coming up, and my brother swerved to dodge a car that didn't look before turning left on the road he was on..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "And his car ended up sideways in a drainage ditch with the passenger side to the ground and him stuck seated at an angle in his chair by the seat belt."
Christine Schiefer: Jesus Christ.
Em Schulz: In parentheses "(Wear your seatbelts)." Yeah. Thank you for normalizing seatbelts.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, they put that too.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Okay. This is making me nervous now, folks, I don't like when things like this keep repeating. So please put your fucking seatbelt on. Okay?
Em Schulz: If there's, and if there's a third one that happens in this episode, put your fucking seatbelt. Everyone just don't get in a car tonight.
Christine Schiefer: They don't need a third one. Do it now.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Just buy a seatbelt and click it onto your office chair.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: "According to him, he, he felt arms around the seat and hold and someone holding him close when he jerked the wheel and until the car came to a complete stop." So as soon as the accident was beginning...
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: He felt someone hold him.
Christine Schiefer: Like almost holding, like restraining him.
Em Schulz: Like cradling him before the actual rest of the accident happened.
Christine Schiefer: Wow. Wow.
Em Schulz: "His only injury was his knee due to his long ass legs hitting the interior of the door. Umm. Someone else ended up calling emergency services and my brother, ironically, had just started volunteering as an EMT."
Christine Schiefer: Oh no.
Em Schulz: So he ended up calling our mom.
Christine Schiefer: He's like, Hey, Rob and the EMTs come.
Em Schulz: I know. EMT Brad, it's us again.
Christine Schiefer: EMT Brad.
Em Schulz: "So he ended up calling our mom, who weirdly already had the phone in her hand..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "About to call him herself, despite it being six in the morning." [gasp]
Christine Schiefer: Huh, Weird.
Em Schulz: Moms always know.
Christine Schiefer: They know.
Em Schulz: "You see, she had just woken up in a panic because of a dream she had, uh, of our dad or our late grandpa coming to her and telling her, 'Don't worry, I've got him.'"
Christine Schiefer: Of her dad?
Em Schulz: Of her dad, their late grandpa.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: So she had just dreamt her dad at six in the morning saying, don't worry, I've got him. And then seconds later he called to say, I'm in a car accident.
Christine Schiefer: Holy shit. While she's holding the phone. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Em Schulz: Literally like the goosecam is outta control today.
Christine Schiefer: I'm, I'm cammin it. I will also Say...
Em Schulz: That was that one super creepy.
Christine Schiefer: Imagine like, I'd be like, "dad, what the fuck got him from what? Saved him from what?" Like the panic of like, don't worry. I got him. You're like, from what?
Em Schulz: I'd be like, but how powerful are you? 'cause could you have just prevented this all together? Like, why did we have to do this?
Christine Schiefer: Maybe not. I don't know, man. [laughter]
Em Schulz: I guess not. I guess not. Uh, I like how even like guardian angels who I consider like nearly God level, like in terms terms of power...
Christine Schiefer: Like spiritual, right?
Em Schulz: I'm like how, how can you only get an alarm after the fact? Like you weren't even told something's about to happen. I don't know how it works.
Christine Schiefer: I don't know.
Em Schulz: Umm. "At least that time it was clear what the fuck he was talking about. A similar thing happened again in 2019 where he appeared to my mom again and dropped..."
Christine Schiefer: Oh God.
Em Schulz: "'She's okay.' Before disappearing."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: Uh...
Christine Schiefer: This guy is really just loves to fucking leave people hanging. He loves a cliffhanger, you know?
Em Schulz: This is literally me as a ghost where I'm still desperate to like be in the limelight for a second. I'm like...
Christine Schiefer: You just want the drama. Yeah, I know you. Yeah. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Uh, "I was traveling." So in context, "I was traveling in the New Orleans at the time and got a call from my mom saying, are you okay? And turns out I was third on the list of people mom called frantically trying to figure out who the hell he meant with. 'She's Okay.'" I like how your own kid is third on the list. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: True.
Em Schulz: "My theory and the one we stuck with was he met my cousin's grandma on their dad's side who had died three days before. So he only came back to say she's doing okay."
Christine Schiefer: Oh wow. Okay.
Em Schulz: "I think he was coming down to let us all know she made it over all right. In the most unhelpfully helpful way that he could. So."
Christine Schiefer: Right. Like you're just causing some drama at this point. Wow. [laughter]
Em Schulz: "So yes, that's the, the story of a possible third man syndrome experience and a mini bonus grandpa story. I have others to write in that I have personally experienced some backed by my mom years later. But that's all for now, folks. Can't wait to see what y'all have cooked up for 2024, Monica."
Christine Schiefer: Wow. Wow. I...
Em Schulz: Wow, Wow, wow.
Christine Schiefer: It's like, grandpa, just can you add two or three more clarifying words?
Em Schulz: Like just say like the name. Give me a name.
Christine Schiefer: Can you say Betty's Okay. You know?
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Like what, why, why the vagueness of it, uh.
Em Schulz: Also like if, if you're able to do it for Betty, you better be doing it for every other person who dies in this family.
Christine Schiefer: Also that I wonder. Yeah.
Em Schulz: 'Cause what if you can't do it for like the person you're really worried about on the other side, but you can do it for Betty who like never even brought good food to Thanksgiving.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] It's weird. It like, makes you wonder like what, how, what their scope is. Like how far can they...
Em Schulz: Yeah. It's like they're, I feel like they're all kind of standing in front of like a monster's inc door. And only when the light turns right above the door...
Christine Schiefer: Right.
Em Schulz: Can they enter to give you some random news and they're just picking whatever's relevant at the time, but then like doors.
Christine Schiefer: They're like, okay I have five seconds. Yeah.
Em Schulz: I had five seconds on this exact day, so what could I possibly have to tell you? And then they just...
Christine Schiefer: And like I guess so-and-so's cousin died. I guess I'll update them on that. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: What the fuck? Wow.
Em Schulz: Anyway, thank you Monica.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, so this one is called, oh my Lord. Well we are taking quite a 180, Em. This one is called "My first martini was bought by a hired hit-man."
Em Schulz: Okay. Was the hitman the third man I don't understand.
Christine Schiefer: Ahh maybe?
Em Schulz: We had a theme, and now Eva said, how about actually fuck it?
Christine Schiefer: That's classic. Classic Eva. She said, oh, you found a theme? Well, how's this?
Em Schulz: I told... Absolutely.
Christine Schiefer: Let's see. This is from Leigha, she/her. It says, "Hello, my favorite theybies."
Em Schulz: Hello.
Christine Schiefer: "And Eva. My name is Leigha. You recently asked for true crime stories, so I figured I would finally contribute considering I feel like you all are my friends. Also, I wrote this draft up in what had to be 2019 or 2020, so leave it to me to finally get the guts to send this in 2024." Wow, that is a long, like four or five years.
Em Schulz: A while.
Christine Schiefer: "I moved to Texas from North Carolina in 2011, the year of my 21st birthday." That's the year of your 21st birthday.
Em Schulz: That's the truth.
Christine Schiefer: I think. Yeah.
Em Schulz: That was my 19th.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, that's the year of Blaise's 21st birthday.
Em Schulz: Okay. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I'm not getting math.
Em Schulz: I like how I went, that's the truth.
Christine Schiefer: You were like, yes, and everyone was like, wait, what? Oh, God, that's embarrassing.
Em Schulz: No, I turned 19 that year.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, well. Good year, by the way.
Em Schulz: Great year.
Christine Schiefer: 2011? I had a terrible time. Okay.
Em Schulz: 19 was one of my favorite years.
Christine Schiefer: Congratulations. Umm "I moved to Texas from North Carolina in 2011, the year of my 21st birthday, so naturally that entire year consisted of me trying every bar in town. One of the bars in town was a martini bar." I love a martini bar. "And of course, 21-year-old Leigha needed to try this out. While I was sitting at the bar with my friend, an older man sitting a seat or so down overheard us discussing that it was our first time there. He introduced himself, small talk, suggested some martinis, and then bought our first martini. No big deal. In the following summer..." Oh, my God. So literally, that's the extent of their interaction. This is just crazy.
Em Schulz: Oh, okay. He just bought them a martini.
Christine Schiefer: Then said like, have a nice night, you know. "In the following summer of 2012, there was a doctor murdered in a neighboring city. Long story short, there was a whole ABC 2020 episode about this particular story. It's called A Last Dance in Texas and aired in 2016. I also just found out there was a Dateline episode as well. He was a victim of a love triangle gone wrong. His girlfriend's former boyfriend, also a doctor, was jealous of her moving on." Actually, quite sure I remember this.
Em Schulz: Really?
Christine Schiefer: I don't know. There's a lot of love triangles. I might be confusing with a different one. All love rhombuses are two.
Em Schulz: [laughter] At some point, the triangles become like big ass rhombuses or like.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, just big rhombuses floating around. I don't know anymore.
Em Schulz: They just web into a big geometric something.
Christine Schiefer: A beautiful piece of art. "So his girlfriend's former boyfriend, also a doctor, was jealous of her moving on and actually hired someone to kill the new boyfriend."
Em Schulz: Mmm.
Christine Schiefer: "The hired hitman was paid three silver bars and given a box of expensive Cuban cigars in return for killing her new boyfriend. Pawnshop records show that he had cashed silver bars the day after the murder." Not very smooth. "It totaled out to not even be eight grand. Of course, being in the city that the jealous ex had hired and hired hitman were from, mug shots were all over the news and I recognized the dumb hitman as none other than the man who had bought me my first martini."
Em Schulz: Wow.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] That is so crazy. That is crazy. Holyshit.
Em Schulz: That's also the fact that, um, killing someone does like, the idea of paying someone eight thousand dollars for that kind of crime is like not fucking worth it to me like I'm...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: I don't know what the price would be, but certainly if I found out I was getting killed for only less than eight grand, I'd be pissed.
Christine Schiefer: It wasn't even eight grand. It was fucking silver bars.
Em Schulz: And cigars.
Christine Schiefer: And like what are you going to do with that? What are you gonna do with silver bars? Except go to a pawnshop and then you're caught immediately. Like.
Em Schulz: Like the, the idea, if I found out that was the price that someone paid to kill me, I'd be like, I thought I was fucking worth more than that.
Christine Schiefer: That's embarrassing. Yeah, that's that's rough.
Em Schulz: Umm also.
Christine Schiefer: And I wonder if the guy said like, oh, these silver bars are worth like 200 grand, you know?
Em Schulz: Sure.
Christine Schiefer: Like, like we don't know if he like fucking talked it up or.
Em Schulz: But also like, uh, this experience at the martini bar must have been one hell of an experience because I would never remember the face of somebody I had a two second interaction with a year ago if I saw them on TV today.
Christine Schiefer: Well, I mean, it said that they talked for a bit. I don't think it was like a two second thing. I mean, let's see.
Em Schulz: Mmm. That's right. They did the small talk thing.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. An older man, he introduced himself. We small talked. He suggested some martinis and then he bought us our first martini.
Em Schulz: Okay. So maybe. Yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: I imagine its probably...
Em Schulz: I was about to be really impressed with her memory.
Christine Schiefer: Maybe he was just had that kind of a face where you're like, well, I know that guy, um.
Em Schulz: This fucking guy looks like a hit man. Yeah, yeah, this guy looks like a martini man.
Christine Schiefer: That's crazy. This guy looks like he smokes Cuban cigars in this martini bar. It actually does kind of match. "Um, so it turns out that in the 2020 episode, they said that the martini bar was where they would meet up and discuss their murder plans." So this...
Em Schulz: Oh, shut up. Oh my God!
Christine Schiefer: Literally frequented this place as a hit man. Holy shit. She said, "I already knew it was him. But after watching that episode, it definitely confirmed it."
Em Schulz: Oh yeah, 1000%. Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: So there's like no doubt anymore. "Get this. The hitman confessed to killing him for the silver bars to the cops on video. However, once put on the stand denied, he was hired and claimed it was all his decision."
Em Schulz: What?
Christine Schiefer: What?
Em Schulz: Like so he was threatened into like... He was threatened into silence about someone else wanted him to do it. He just decided to do it.
Christine Schiefer: Hired and claimed it was all... Say he was denied he was hired and claimed it was all his like all his own decision? To murder?
Em Schulz: I feel like he got threatened like the, the guy who hired him was like, I know people in jail who will hurt you. You have to make it like get me off of their off their trail...
Christine Schiefer: Ohhhh.
Em Schulz: And just say that you did it and I'll make sure you're safe in jail when you go.
Christine Schiefer: Wow. Okay. I see what you're saying. So he claimed this was all my idea. Don't worry. I wasn't hired by anybody. And then this is what, what Leigha says next. "So said dumb dumb who bought my drink And killed the innocent doctor is in prison for life now with no chance of parole. And then she says, so there's that. I really never was scared of the hitman. I just find it crazy that I've actually met a murderer. He is a dumb murderer. But hey, it's something, thanks for being my friends to listen to at work as well as during the 24-hour trip I take back And forth from Texas to North Carolina. I've been listening since 2017."
Em Schulz: Oh, my gosh!
Christine Schiefer: Our birth year. Beautiful.
Em Schulz: Aww.
Christine Schiefer: "And I feel like I've watched your friendship blossom. Give Gio, Junie, Moonshine And Lemon some love from me." Wow.
Em Schulz: Oh God.
Christine Schiefer: Wow.
Em Schulz: That's very sweet. I that... And also like, it's one thing to like know a murderer, but to know someone theoretically before they'd ever murdered is even its own weirdness of like, oh, I knew you before...
Christine Schiefer: That's so.
Em Schulz: I needed to be worried or like, if I looked back I should've, maybe I should have noticed something. I don't know.
Christine Schiefer: That's true because it happened, she said the year after.
Em Schulz: Uh-huh.
Christine Schiefer: But it makes you wonder like maybe he's been doing, if he was a hired hitman, I wonder if this is just...
Em Schulz: Right, right, right, right, right.
Christine Schiefer: I wonder if it's his first time. I don't know. Maybe.
Em Schulz: Yeah. It makes you wonder like how many did you get away with and like, did you, were you at that martini bar discussing a hit as you ordered my drink for me?
Christine Schiefer: Ooh. Yeah. What was he doing there?
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Yikes.
Em Schulz: Alright, our next one. You could not be more right Christine, we have fully shifted things because...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, okay. [laughter]
Em Schulz: This, this subject line is toilet exorcism. Uh.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] I thought that we were leaving potty problems in the past.
Em Schulz: No [laughter] Uh, so this is, uh, Patty who uses she/her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And Patty says, "Ahoy-hoy Eva And crew." Okay. That's a new one.
Christine Schiefer: Ahoy-hoy?
Em Schulz: Ahoy-hoy.
Christine Schiefer: That's what it says. Wow. Okay.
Em Schulz: It says it. Ahoy-hoy.
Christine Schiefer: Ahoy-hoy.
Em Schulz: Uh. You know what?
Christine Schiefer: Right back at you [laughter]
Em Schulz: 10 out of 10 for originality because we've done this quite a long time. And that's a first.
Christine Schiefer: That's a new one. Yep.
Em Schulz: "My name is Patty And I have a pseudo-spooky story for you. Last week, my best friend's mom gave me three weed brownies that she had baked herself."
Christine Schiefer: Yes.
Em Schulz: "Friday night I decided to have some, but wasn't thinking And I ate the whole fucking brownie."
Christine Schiefer: No, no. Is there not? Come on.
Em Schulz: "I was feeling pretty good for a little bit And then my vision started to get dark..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "And I realized I needed to throw up. I ran to the bathroom, threw the seat up, puked my guts out. At this point, it's hitting me hard."
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: "I had been texting a friend and I couldn't even focus on the screen when I tried to message her back. I'm continuing to vomit and I just shut my eyes for a minute and this is where it gets very scary for me. When I open them, I'm looking at my puke and I see a small pentagram rotating slowly in the toilet." Girl you're tripping.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] What the fuck.
Em Schulz: You are tripping balls.
Christine Schiefer: Eva's like that sounds like what happened to me. At the [laughter] at the Radisson last week. [laughter]
Em Schulz: I know. I thought I said that we were done with the gruesome stories, but nevermind.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Em Schulz: Okay. So you see a pentagram rotating slowly in the toilet.
Christine Schiefer: What? Out of... Made, out of vomit. Oh my God.
Em Schulz: "I'm frozen with fear and the only thing I can think to do is close my eyes and hope that it goes away. I eventually mastered the courage to open my eyes and there's a fucking goat head swirling around the bowl."
Christine Schiefer: What!?
Em Schulz: "Obviously the best course of action was to close my eyes and open and hope his demonic ass would go, be gone when I open them again. While I'm resting over the bowl with my eyes squeezed shut, I started thinking that maybe I was possessed and I vomited up a demon."
Christine Schiefer: Girl.
Em Schulz: "And that's why he's in my toilet bowl."
Christine Schiefer: Oh girlfriend. Oh my God.
Em Schulz: "Then my paranoid ass starts to worry that having just had my toilet exorcism, I'm now more susceptible to an alien abduction." This... What? What fucking brownie recipe is this? [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Also like, I'm going to call your mother-in-Law or whoever this is and be like, she's on the blacklist. There's no more brownies for her. Sorry.
Em Schulz: I'd be like, you, you know what? She made some potent... She made sure you were gonna have a good time and you took it too fucking far with your big old, big old bite.
Christine Schiefer: I was gonna say a good time or just a time. A time indeed.
Em Schulz: So I can't imagine tripping that hard. "I'm now susceptible to...
Christine Schiefer: These things are horrifying.
Em Schulz: "An alien abduction. I'm in full panic mode that I'm going to open my eyes and there'll be a little group of grays standing in my bathroom watch..."
Christine Schiefer: Well, there, there is now, because you're literally creating it. It's a horrible. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. [laughter] You're like, I hope I don't see that. Well, of course now you're gonna see it. Oh God.
Em Schulz: "I'm in full panic mode that I'm gonna open my eyes and there will be a little group of grays standing in my bathroom watching me violently toss my cookies. One more time, I summon the mental strength to open my eyes absolutely bracing for the worst. And to my pleasant surprise, I'm alone in the bathroom and I have..."
Christine Schiefer: Oh, thank God.
Em Schulz: "A brilliant idea. If I just flush the puke, the demon will be gone." I get that, like all the energy from this experience is out of, out of reach.
Christine Schiefer: Sure.
Em Schulz: "I reach up and flush and then lean back against the wall with vomit on my face. Absolutely cackling at my own genius." Like she, this is a mad scientist now.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, she's like, I've done it. [laughter]
Em Schulz: This is your villain origin story.
Christine Schiefer: Girl. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Anyway, "I threw up for another hour or so before I started to feel human again and I finally showered and then ate three quarters of a loaf of jalapeno cheddar focaccia bread and fell asleep."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] Oh, that sounds good.
Em Schulz: "Please feel free to forward this to the Vatican's Department of Exorcisms for further evaluation."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: "Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for making such a wonderful show. Much love Patty. PS weed is legal where I live. Uh, if that's important for y'all not to get in trouble." Well, it's very nice of you to think of.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, well.
Em Schulz: But it sounds like you're still a little paranoid from the trip, my friend, but...
Christine Schiefer: I was gonna say it. Yeah, don't worry uh.
Em Schulz: I appreciate it.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, I appreciate it as well.
Em Schulz: Umm Patty...
Christine Schiefer: What the fuck?
Em Schulz: Patty.
Christine Schiefer: Okay. But...
Em Schulz: You need like a hot compress, cold compress, therapy, a hug and a trophy, like.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] Hey, maybe that cowboy, there should be the third man cowboy with a washcloth for you also. I feel like you could have...
Em Schulz: Maybe the goat head was Patty's third man. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Maybe [laughter] not to make you more paranoid that like now your guardian angel is literally...
Em Schulz: Flushed down the toilet.
Christine Schiefer: Baphomet, baphomet, or whatever. Umm, I, well you know, do you know this story right? Of my brothers, Umm, uh, of weed overdose or whatever. It's like really similar, Patty, you need to listen to. I forget. I think it was a, it's a Beach Too Sandy episode. I think we, it was the one where we got high and read reviews and it was a crazy episode. But, Umm, he, at one time, I'll just briefly sum it up, but I think Patty, you and Alexander have a lot to discuss. He on his birthday, took an edible and then was like, ah, I don't, I barely feel it, you know? And then took another one.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: Of course. Which is how these things happen. And, Umm, he came downstairs and he's like, there's something wrong with me. And I was like, oh no. Oh no. And so it turns out he was tripping so hard. He thought he was in purgatory.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Like, he literally believed he was trapped in purgatory. And so he's like, and he was in his bed and he's like, "I couldn't move. I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't move my body. I thought I was in purgatory." I like, you know, and we went to Catholic school. You can see why, why this would've come up.
Em Schulz: Uh-huh.
Christine Schiefer: But, uh, yeah. I wanna do a little study here, Patty. Like, did you also grow up in the Catholic church? 'cause it sounds like there's a lot of similarity here.
Em Schulz: You definitely have a lot of shame around the occult in some way. Like, that's... [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: There's something happening, yeah, subconsciously. Umm, but yeah, so he thought he was in purgatory. It was a whole thing. And then eventually he finally made his way to me and I was like, oh no. And like, at that point, I had never smoked weed in my life really. So I didn't have any clue what I was doing. So I started googling like how to come down off of a high, you know, like a bad high. And so the first link I found was Willie Nelson's advice. And I was like, well, he must know, you know? So I'm like okay.
Em Schulz: Obviously.
Christine Schiefer: Obviously. So I'm like, William, help me. Okay? [laughter] So I click the link for Willie Nelson's page, or what, a quote, and it says, oh, you need to eat black pepper. And I'm like, okay. So I'm like, Alexander, lay in my bed. I put him in my bed. Blaise was at work, of course. Uh, and I'm like, lay in my bed. Don't move. I'm going to go get pepper. And he's like, okay. And he thought... Okay, he tells it now. And he's like, Christine went downstairs. And he's like, and to me, she was gone for hours. He was like.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: She just never came back. And then like hours later she appeared and I'm like, I literally ran as fast as I could. [laughter] Whipped open the kitchen cabinet, grabbed the pepper of like a Trader Joe's like pepper grinder and ran upstairs. And then I had a bowl and I started like grinding, cracking pepper into it. And I was like, eat this. [laughter] That's so stupid. Anyway, it was like a terrible birthday for him. Umm, and it was really scary 'cause I was like, Alexander, I don't know how to help you! Like, I literally ran out downstairs for like a minute and a half and he thought I was gone for hours. I was like, oh God, this is so scary. Umm, which is another reason it took me many years to even try weed again. I was like, I don't think so.
Christine Schiefer: Umm, but in the end, uh, I ended up getting him back to bed and like, [laughter] he went to bed and I was like, whoa. That was dramatic. And then that night I went to brush my teeth and my bathroom is just covered in vomit. [laughter] Like when I had gone downstairs, I guess for that like two minutes, he just like puked all over the place. And then he went back and laid down and he's, he to this day is like, I have no memory of that. [laughter] Like, he's like, it must have been me, obviously, but he is like, I don't, I don't remember puking, but like, I just went to brush my teeth and I was like, what the fuck? Like, he had vomited everywhere. Anyway, I'm sorry that this is such a body fluid heavy episode, [laughter] but, uh, I just, I couldn't get away from the similarities of like seeing a pentagram thinking you're in, you know, uh, purgatory and only Willie, Willie Nelson can save You.
Em Schulz: Only Willie Nelson can help you.
Christine Schiefer: God. Anyway, sorry that was such a long rant, but Wowza, Umm.
Em Schulz: No, You're good. We've got one last one and it's, Umm, it.
Christine Schiefer: Is it. Okay. Is it my one to read?
Em Schulz: It's yours.
Christine Schiefer: Okay. Here it is. It's called "In the SPIRIT of Valentine's Day". Oh, that, oh, right. This is probably our most romantic episode ever.
Em Schulz: And that's why we talked about conception at some point. Oh wait, that was, that was not in this episode.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, that was not even.
Em Schulz: Let's talk about it. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: No, we just talked a lot about puke. Just vomit, that's all. Umm.
Em Schulz: A lot of puke.
Christine Schiefer: Very, very, I'm sorry for the folks who have like a phobia of that. I clearly, it's too late now. We've ruined your day.
Em Schulz: I really thought that all my talking about me was.
Christine Schiefer: Well, I did too.
Em Schulz: All we were gonna get, I didn't know how...
Christine Schiefer: And it, it really wasn't, I wanna say, I did not say it. Em said it, when Em said, oh, this is the worst you'll hear.
Em Schulz: I thought that was true. I didn't know it was gonna be challenged so intensely.
Christine Schiefer: I almost said, I like, so you think or something? But I was like, well, obviously that's just a joke, but apparently it was not. Umm, okay, sorry. Let's read this. This is the last one. "In the spirit of Valentine's Day. Hi Em, Christine and crew. I've been listening to the podcast for close to four years as I made my way through college and on to my first job. As I caught upon recent episodes, I was surprised to hear you mention Galena." Oh my God. We just talked about that.
Em Schulz: We just talked about Galena in our last episode where we talked about conception.
Christine Schiefer: Where we talked about our most romantic episode. [laughter]
Em Schulz: I told you.
Christine Schiefer: Umm, "Galena Illinois, considering it is less than an hour from my childhood home, where my story today originates, a truly beautiful area if you ever consider moving." I mean, I am considering.
Em Schulz: I've looked at that Zillow, Galena does have my heart, so.
Christine Schiefer: I'm ready. "It was around 7:00 PM at night and my brother and I were home alone at the farmhouse after my parents left for a Valentine's Day date. We have a noisy home that creeks and groans with the changing weather." Same. "So most of the time we don't associate the sounds with ghosts, with the freedom of an empty house, my brother and I decided to blast rock band on the Wii." Oh yeah.
Em Schulz: Love it.
Christine Schiefer: Remember those days?
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm. It's some of the best days of my life.
Christine Schiefer: I was really gonna say. Yeah, that, that's a good memory. "I was always on drums and he played the guitar." I love that, that clarity. Thank you. Uh, oh, by the way, this, sorry, this is from Miranda, She/her, I haven't even said that yet. Umm, okay. "As we rocked out to don't stop believing, we both heard a loud clang in the kitchen. We looked at each other with wide eyes confirming we both had heard this sound. We promptly paused the game listening for more when the sound of banging pans and dragging chairs sounded again."
Em Schulz: Oh my God.
Christine Schiefer: That's not good. "The TV room was two rooms away from the kitchen. And since run-ins with ghosts weren't unheard of with my siblings, we jumped up and ran to the kitchen to see what caused the commotion." Eww! Okay.
Em Schulz: What?
Christine Schiefer: "The chairs were pushed perfectly up to the table, making me think the chairs had been pulled out and then pushed back in. And the cabinet doors to the pots and pans were all wide open."
Em Schulz: Poltergeist, absolutely not. A Galena Poltergeist. Get out of here.
Christine Schiefer: I love that. "Terrified, my brother and I ran out of the house and took cover in the woods nearby." Yeah. If the woods are are less scary than your house, that's...
Em Schulz: You've got a problem.
Christine Schiefer: You're saying something. Yeah. "Terrified, my brother and I ran out of the house and took cover in the woods nearby certain that anything that lurked in the woods was less frightening than what was in the house. After about 30 minutes of shivering, we thought that our only alternative was to go back inside, grab a lighter and start a fire outside." I feel like you've, you've, you're turning into a box car child, you're like, well.
Em Schulz: I was gonna say like, what survival show do you think you're on all of a sudden?
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: It's like the time my mom lost me and my brother in the grocery store and like I told him we were orphans now, 'cause I was like, this is our life. And like...
Em Schulz: Could you imagine if you told him that while he was in the middle of thinking he was in purgatory?
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I literally scarred him for life as a 4-year-old. I think that would've just put him over the edge. Umm, yeah. So I love this. They're like, we live out here now, you know? [laughter], Umm, it's just such catastrophic thinking. I love it. Okay. Uh, buh buh, buh. "We decided to go grab a lighter and start a fire outside until our parents came back. We made our way back to the house and went to the front door that led into the kitchen where we had exited after the commotion, I tried to open the door, but to my surprise, it was locked." Uh-oh. "Considering it was a deadbolt, the only way to lock the door was with a key or by locking it from the inside. And the key was nowhere to be found. Even though we were still scared, we needed that lighter. So we walked around the house until we found a single unlocked window. We crawled through, grabbed a lighter and fled. We waited by our fire." Okay, so you actually know how to make a fire. I would've been like, I'll start a fire...
Em Schulz: Yeah. It sounds like you're on top of it. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. I would've like set the woods on fire by mistake. So I'm glad you knew what you were doing. [laughter] I'm like, I'll do it.
Em Schulz: And then a goat head starts floating around you.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Like yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Wow.
Em Schulz: It could get really bad really quick.
Christine Schiefer: Here we go again. Uh, "we waited by the fire until my parents came home and told them the story. I wasn't sure if they believed it at the time, but today I'm certain they did. They just didn't wanna frighten us by confirming it. This house has been in my family since the 1800s, so I'd like to believe it was just my ancestors trying to get us to turn off the loud rock and roll music."
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I love that. You're like singing Journey and they're like, enough! Okay. [laughter] "Or maybe just tidying up the kitchen. Who knows? I've had plenty of supernatural occurrences in the house, from footsteps behind me, figures in the windows, a ghost kitten and more but I never felt threatened. And over the years they've bothered me less. I think a protective supernatural energy clings to the house. Thank you so much for everything you do on And That's Why We Drink. You spread awareness about a lot of hard issues with understanding and comedy. I hope you have a great Valentine's Day. Sincerely, Miranda."
Em Schulz: Aww. Awww.
Christine Schiefer: Wow.
Em Schulz: That's really kind Miranda.
Christine Schiefer: That's lovely.
Em Schulz: I am interested in this ghost kitten, but none of the others...
Christine Schiefer: I know. I know.
Em Schulz: You know, what would you do if one day you and Blaise are gone knowing what your house is capable of and [laughter] Leona says that like she locked herself out of the house willingly because of some creepy ghost stuff. Do you confirm it or be like, oh, that's silly, and just try to hide it from her?
Christine Schiefer: No, no. I mean, I know I would never like dismiss it. I'd probably just be like, tell me exactly in detail what happened. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Like, I don't know. I don't even know. I mean, I think I would try to get to the bottom of it and hopefully find something that explains it. You know, like that's...
Em Schulz: I feel like it's moments like that where you, you have to teach her like to say out loud like, no, thank you [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, right. Like to set personal boundaries, which I would teach anyway. Like for, for, for... A true crime side.
Em Schulz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: So, yeah. Yeah. I, I, I don't know Em, I mean, I'll find out. I guess. Knowing what my house is capable of as you say.
Em Schulz: I have a feeling you will at some point. Oh, well. Thank you Miranda for our Valentine's Day wish...
Christine Schiefer: Aww.
Em Schulz: That's very lovely. Uh, are you doing anything for Valentine's Day, Christine?
Christine Schiefer: Umm, yeah, I think Blaise and I are just going out for a romantic dinner on a new rooftop restaurant that opened near us.
Em Schulz: Nice.
Christine Schiefer: Uh. What are you up to?
Em Schulz: I don't know. I already asked Allison to be my Valentine and...
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] That's so sweet. What did she say?
Em Schulz: I was wondering what she'd come up with, 'cause I thought she'd have some real asshole wit about her...
Christine Schiefer: Some zinger.
Em Schulz: I thought something slick was gonna come out, but she just said yes. It was very nice.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, hooray!
Em Schulz: So I don't know what we're gonna do, but I feel like I've now put pressure on myself by asking it all. So...
Christine Schiefer: Well now I feel like...
Em Schulz: I guess I have to do something.
Christine Schiefer: Like the asshole who didn't ask Blaise to be my Valentine, I just kind of took it for granted.
Em Schulz: I found this card that was, Umm, it was, I'll have to take a picture and send it to you, but it was all the, it was like the code that teenagers would use back in the olden Victorian days and it was like, based on how the stamp is on the, your card, on your envelope...
Christine Schiefer: Are you serious?
Em Schulz: It was like, it was like flirting code, I guess.
Christine Schiefer: And that's real?
Em Schulz: Apparently.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: And so that was, Umm, I found a card that actually just listed what all the code words meant, and so I made her a card and put the stamp in the right spot and...
Christine Schiefer: That's so sweet. I've never heard of that. That sounds like a deep dive for tonight. I tell you what.
Em Schulz: Yeah. [laughter] And so uh...
Christine Schiefer: I love that shit.
Em Schulz: Anyway, so that was my, that's how I asked her about...
Christine Schiefer: Victorian stamp placement romance.
Em Schulz: Flirtation guide. Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Wooow. Okay. Bye, cruel world. [laughter] I have plans.
Em Schulz: Hello rabbit hole.
Christine Schiefer: Hello dark black hole that I will fall into tonight.
Em Schulz: So I, I made the card, uh, I put the stamp in the right place and asked her, but then I didn't get any further than that. So now I'm gonna have to go make a reservation somewhere. I think so. Anyway...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. You know what? I said, oh, we're going to this nice rooftop bar. And then I was like, wait a second. I tried to get a reservation and they were like, 9:30 PM, okay? And I was like, no, I'm tired by then, so I should probably look for another nice rooftop. He's gonna hear this go what rooftop? And I'm gonna be like, no, I meant this Arby's, is what I meant.
Em Schulz: It's actually your rooftop on your house.
Christine Schiefer: It's my rooftop Blaise. It's your rooftop.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Get up there and clean the gutters. Yeah.
Em Schulz: You could. [laughter] You could do a little candlelit thing on your roof, on your, on your top balcony thing.
Christine Schiefer: Oh. The balcony. I was like, how do I get up there? Yeah. Okay. Balcony. Let's stick to that.
Em Schulz: It'd be nice.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Okay, well, happy Valentine's Day everyone. I hope you have a sweetheart. If you want one and if you don't, whatever, be your own sweetheart.
Christine Schiefer: I'm here, I'm here for the pickin. No.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Oh. You hear that?
Christine Schiefer: I thought you were, I thought you were offering us up, so I was like, alright, we'll be your Valentine and then...
Em Schulz: We'll be your sweethearts. And also Christine apparently needs a reservation to a rooftop bar, so if you've got one, she's in. Umm.
Christine Schiefer: Help me. [laughter]
Em Schulz: And I guess we'll you see with the more listeners stories that you can submit to our website.
Christine Schiefer: Oh yeah.
Em Schulz: And that's how we get access to them. Umm, you can come to our live shows. We're back on tour. Uh, and otherwise, well, you'll catch another listener's episode from us on March 1st.
Christine Schiefer: What are we celebrating then? St. Patty's Day.
Em Schulz: St. Patty's, I guess. We're And That's Why We Drink. We got, it's gonna be.
Christine Schiefer: Green beer. Alright.
Em Schulz: Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright.
Christine Schiefer: See you then.
Em Schulz: And...
Christine Schiefer: That's...
Em Schulz: Why...
Christine Schiefer: We...
Em Schulz: Drink.