E405 Halloween Hangovers and Top Tier Candy Handers

TOPICS: THE DILDO MONSTER AKA THE MONSTER OF DILDO POND, THE KIDNAPPING OF JACOB WETTERLING

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It’s Episode 405 and we need to know how many pieces of candy are in 15lbs worth? This week Em has ruined their algorithm to bring us the wild story of the Dildo Monster aka the Monster of Dildo Pond from Newfoundland. Then Christine takes us to Minnesota for the unfortunate case of the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. And have you seen our legs? …and that’s why we drink!

Photos:
Dildo Sign
Captain Dildo
Jacob Wetterling

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Transcript

[intro music]

Christine: Hi, everyone. Em is feeling a little sleepy, I’m guessing? 

Em: Yeah, more than usual ’cause I’m always sleepy. But I– I’m just– I’m so sleepy today. And I, I, I made a, a, an adult mistake. It feels like I made like a teenager mistake of like, “Oh, I, I drank too much.” No, I just sat outside in my own yard and trick-or-treated too much. And, um– 

Christine: Aww. 

Em: I– 

Christine: So you did like a really little kid mistake. Like not a teenager mistake. 

Em: Yeah. [laughs] Oh, yeah. That’s a good point. Yeah, it’s like I just missed naptime. 

Christine: It’s like a kid– You’re just too excited, yeah. 

Em: Yeah, it was our, um, it was our first– By the way, when we’re recording this, it’s the night after trick-or-treat, Halloween obviously. 

Christine: Yeah, it’s Halloween. It’s November 1, sorry. 

Em: November 1. Uh, no, I– We were outside from like 6 o’clock to like 10 o’clock or something. I will tell you the– when, when we last recorded, I was saying I was nervous I didn’t have enough candy. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. How’d it go? 

Em: Um, I, I guesstimated the exact right amount which was 15 pounds of candy. 

Christine: Okay. How many pieces is that? 

Em: A– Um, well, see I’m not a wet blanket. And I am Team Every-Kid-Should-Get-A-Handful-Not-A-Piece, so– 

Christine: No, no, I’m not saying– I’m not saying that, that you are, I’m just saying how many pieces is 15 pounds of candy? I have no concept of how many pounds. I just know by the bag size. 

Em: Right. I’m, I’m saying as someone who’s not a wet blanket, I– as someone who’s going off of the handful, not the one piece rule, then it was about a h– It seemed like about 150 kids. 

Christine: No, no. I know. Sorry. That’s what I’m saying. I know. I also give handfuls. But I’m saying how many pieces are 15 pounds? Like how many did you buy? ’Cause I’m curious like– 

Em: I see. Not how many kids. Um. 

Christine: ’Cause my concept of buying candy is only– is not by pound. I don’t really understand the pounds, but maybe that’s a better way to look at it. 

Em: I only– I mean, I just looked at the bag, and it’s– Each one was like, I think, two pounds, but it was like the big fat party pack ones. 

Christine: Ohh. I’m curious. Anyway– 

Em: So I– It was probably like– I mean, it was, it was at least eight party size bags of candy. 

Christine: Mm! 

Em: It’ll say like pounds on– like on the bottom. 

Christine: I never thought to look at that. And I think that’s probably a smarter way to do it than pieces because like– 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: –if you’re doing multiple pieces, it doesn’t– Yeah, it doesn’t like– Anyway. But we did have some kids come and like try to empty the whole bowl, and I’m like, “Okay, I say you can have a few, but like doesn’t mean take all of them.” 

Em: There was two kids that I can’t get out– I can’t shake them because the way that they really lunged for it when they were given permission, I was like, “Oh my god, it’s like you’ve never eaten before.” Um– 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. 

Em: But they’re– But then I was also I think that kid, so I was trying to have a little grace. I was like, “Okay, karma.” Like they’re stealing my candy, and I took a lot of people’s candy when I was a kid. Um. 

Christine: Yeah, um, also spoiler alert for being like a homeowner now, you’re gonna like see those kids again, and you’re gonna be like, “Oh god, here they come.” 

Em: Yeah, I believe it. 

Christine: Um, and you’re gonna recognize certain kids. It’s so fun though, um, that you do trick-or-treating now. How– So 150 kids, you said, about. That’s a good amount. 

Em: Yeah, but that– Yeah, but I was kinda shocked because I, I looked online. I’m in like a bunch of Burbank community things. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: Um, and all of them were saying like, “We get like 400, 500 kids minimum.” And what I didn’t realize they were talking about was like a few streets away from me. 

Christine: Oh, yeah, the street makes a huge difference. 

Em: Which like it’s so wild that when you just walk a block, all of a sudden like the energy totally changes, and now there’s like traffic on the sidewalks and– 

Christine: We had our neighbors come and stand in front of our house to give out candy ’cause they were like, “Nobody’s on my street.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Like just one catty-corner over. 

Em: That’s what happened with me and Allison where like we were between like two non-participating houses– 

Christine: Right. 

Em: And so we were like– But that also means like on a dead street with non-participating houses on either side of us– 

Christine: Everyone’s coming to you. 

Em: –we still got 150 kids. So, um– 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. That’s a lot. 

Em: Yeah, I mean, I, I was hoping for the experience of like it, like it just being an overwhelming amount of children that I could just give candy to, but– as creepy as that sounds – but, uh, 150 was perfect. 

Christine: No, I– It’s the one time a year it’s not creepy. [laughs] 

Em: I– Yeah, [laughs] at risk of sounding like a creep, “Where the fuck are all the children?” Um– 

Christine: We already established the date thankfully, so everybody has to give us a pass. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] No, I, I– But it was, it was weird ’cause we got to like the last, the last part of the bowl– 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: –where I was like, “Oh god, like based on how things have been going, we definitely don’t have enough.” 

Christine: I know. That’s so scary. 

Em: We thought about like, “Do we run out and get more candy?” And it ended up being the perfect amount. And we like met some of our neighbors, which was nice. We met [laughs] a fan, so now– 

Christine: So did I. [laughs] Hey! 

Em: Now that you know my address, we have a secret. Please don’t tell anyone! [laughs] 

Christine: Hi Bailey! Um, Bailey said, “Honey, Mommy listens to that lady’s podcast.” And I went, “Oh! Howdy.” 

Em: [laughs] Oh, I, I heard, “Em?” 

Christine: Yeah? 

Em: And I went, [nervously] “Uh-huh?” [laughs] 

Christine: I love that there was not even a question in mine. It was like, “See that lady over there?” [laughs] 

Em: Yeah. So, uh, hi, Caroline. [laughs] 

Christine: Anyway, it was very sweet. Hi, guys! 

Em: Um, and then, uh, we had friends, uh, that used to be our neighbors at the old place come and visit us at this place to say hi. They got candy which was nice. 

Christine: Nice. 

Em: And then guess who fucking ended up being one of my trick-or-treaters was my friends from ISS that I haven’t seen in like eight years. 

Christine: [gasps] What? 

Em: They like literally grabbed candy out of my bowl, and I was like– 

Christine: LA is such a small world sometimes. 

Em: It’s so weird, yeah. 

Christine: It’s so huge, but it’s like sometimes you are like, “Wait, what?” 

Em: Well, also like– So they have– They had little little kids the last time I saw them, and now the– their kids are like teenagers. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: And one of their kids grabbed candy out of the bucket, and I was like, “I swear to god that looks like a five-year-old I once knew.” [laughs] 

Christine: Shut– [laughs] “That looks like a five-year-old I once knew.” Wow. 

Em: But yeah. And then they ended up– So now they, they, uh, they said like, “Oh, we, we get food, uh, w– you know, near here once a week. We’ll call you.” So now we, we might be rekindling, which is nice. 

Christine: Okay, I love that. A little friendship. 

Em: How– Anyway, it was very fun. Afterwards, we– Allison and I ordered a pizza, and then we held the pizza box and walked around, uh, and– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –ate pizza on the street while we looked at all the lights, which was very nice. So that might be our new tradition. 

Christine: That’s so romantic. 

Em: What about you? How was your trick-or-treating? How was our Grumpy Toad? 

Christine: Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. She was so grumpy. But the problem is– 

Em: [laughs] I’m grumpy today, so I guess today I’m the Grumpy Toad. 

Christine: [laughs] I know. You get it. No, she had a, a high fever, and so we were like, “Oh no, she’s always sick on Halloween.” But like this is the first year she’s like really– 

Em: About Halloween. 

Christine: –excited. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Yeah, and like gets it? And like has a better concept of time, you know? And so she like was so tired, she was nodding off in the middle of the day. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And we’re like, “Please take a nap.” And she wouldn’t, and she wouldn’t. And we said, “What’s wrong?” And she goes, “I don’t want to sleep through Halloween.” And we were like– 

Em: I don’t blame her. It’s go– It’s like go– the biggest event of her life at three years old. 

Christine: I know! I agree, up until now. And so I was like, “Oh, honey, we’re not gonna let you sleep through Halloween. Like we’ll, we’ll wake you up no matter what.” Literally three seconds later, Blaise said she was just unconscious. 

Em: Oh! My kinda girl. 

Christine: So she– We got a big– I know. We got a big nap in her. I got some Tylenol in her. And she had the best mother-effing time. She walked to all the neighbors, and then she would come back, sit on our porch while other kids like walked by and trick-or-treated, and just eat like whatever pieces she’d want. Then she would like empty them into a bowl on our porch and walk back out and say, “Okay, Daddy. Let’s go.” And they would go on like another– 

Em: [laughs] “Chop, chop please.” 

Christine: Yeah, “chop, chop!” And then, uh– 

Em: “Jeeves?” 

Christine: Jeeves– [laughs] And then she’d say, “Ciao ciao!” and go off to like the next wing of the neighborhood and go that way. She came back with so many full, like full size because all– Like a lot of the families know her, I guess, and they’re like, “Oh, I put aside a special one for you.” And I’m like, “Damn, girl. You’re three, and you have more friends than I do.” 

Em: Social butterfly. 

Christine: Yeah! Anyway, it was great. We had, I would guess, probably this year like 11– no, like 900-some kids. It was crazy. 

Em: That’s crazy. That’s wild. 

Christine: It was crazy. We ended up– Like we thought we way overbought candy, ’cause I bought a bunch, and Bl– 

Em: How many pounds, if you had to guess? [laughs]. 

Christine: I kn– Well, I don’t know! And I’m like– That’s why– 

Em: Maybe– H-how– Did it fit a row in your car? Like how– Like size-wise, what did it look like? 

Christine: Yeah. Well, the problem was we bought them on all different days from different places. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: That’s why Blaise and I like both ended up buying a ton and didn’t realize the other one did. And then I had some coming from Amazon, and I was like, “Oh, they’re not gonna make it in time.” So we went out and bought a bunch more. [laughs] 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Anyway, I– So they kind of came from all over. But it, it was like, well, 1,600 pieces or something like that. 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: Um, which– That’s why I was asking you about the pieces, ’cause I was like I don’t know– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: I should go look at the pounds. Anyway, um, but it was great. There were so many kids. I think a lot of kids in like the smaller Kentucky neighborhoods drive up to our part of the, you know, town for, for trick-or-treating, so it was like– It was really nice. 

Em: Nice. 

Christine: Um, it was fun. 

Em: Yeah, there was– I looked on the– my community pages and everything after the fact. Somebody, uh, was actually counting how much candy they actually brought– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: –not, not in pieces, not in pieces, unfortunately, but, um– [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] Oh, damn it. My only frame of reference for some reason. 

Em: But okay, so– 

Christine: I’m like probably the only one on earth who like does it by pieces. 

Em: Ours was like, uh, eight to nine party– like big, big fucking bags. 

Christine: Yeah. Okay, okay. 

Em: And that was 15 pounds. Um, they, uh– 

Christine: Gotcha. 

Em: –they ended up having to do like– ’Cause they were on the, the main street that was really crazy. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And they bought 50 pounds of bags, so like three, three times what I had. So that’s like 30, 30 party size bags. 

Christine: Wow. 

Em: And they were like, “We still ran out of candy.” It was like– 

Christine: That’s crazy. 

Em: Yeah. Um, so I’m– As much as I wanted to be part of that scene, and I thought that’s– I thought this like whole street was gonna turn into like Halloweentown, and it was actually the street like next-door. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Um, I’m actually really grateful because I’d be so fucking annoyed eventually. I’d be like, “I can’t get a word in with my fucking friends ’cause I have to keep handing out this candy.” 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Like I feel like when you’re on kinda the thoroughfare like we were, it’s like you don’t even have a second to like think before there’s another family like staring at you. 

Em: No, we had, we had weirdly the perfect– not only the perfect amount of candy, but the perfect amount of like space in between for like– 

Christine: Traffic? Oh, I see. 

Em: Like– ’Cause Allison and I, we could have done the classic like letting the kids knock on the door, but without triangulating myself, it’s easier for the kids to access us if we go up to the front. 

Christine: Yeah. I think most people are outside nowadays, unless it’s like really bad weather. 

Em: Interesting, okay. 

Christine: I mean, we were outside with just umbrellas. I feel like everyone on our street was like playing music, and everyone was out at the front of their houses. 

Em: Yeah, we had music going and stuff like that. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Also with dogs, like I think people are like, “No, don’t ring my doorbell. Like I’ll just sit outside.” [laughs] 

Em: Right. Actually, that’s a great point too. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: But yeah, so we just, we just sat out by our– at the front of our house and, uh– 

Christine: Cute! 

Em: –kids came up and– There was one little kid– 

Christine: That’s one of my favorite part– That was what I was– One of the things I was most excited for becoming a grownup was handing out candy. ’Cause I was just like it’s so special, I don’t know, to be part of it. 

Em: I– I had, um– Yeah, I, I was trying to bring the energy that I always wanted from a candy giver where I was– 

Christine: Yeah, exactly! 

Em: –where I was like– 

Christine: You can be that person for the kids. It’s so sweet. 

Em: I was like, “No one’s, no one’s looking. Not even, not even Mom. Just grab as much as you want.” 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Like– And then they would say like, “Jacob, take one.” And I’d go, “Jacob, take three.” 

Christine: “Jacob, take fi–“ 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: We did that so many times. We’re like, “Don’t listen to your mother.” [laughs] 

Em: Yeah, um. And then people would walk by like a second time on the way to their car, and they’d be like, “We already stopped here,” and I’m like, “You can have more candy.” 

Christine: Yeah, I– And then sometimes the parents– Like there were a couple pregnant moms, and I was like, “Will you–?” My mom was like, “Please take some candy.” 

Em: Oh! I– We gave– We– 

Christine: And they were like, “Oh no. I’m, you know, I’m an adult,” and we were like, “T– Eat it!” [laughs] 

Em: We gave so many adults candy. It’s shocking if y– if– 

Christine: Yes! [laughs] 

Em: I wonder if even not on an actual Halloween night on a– any given night, the way that joy showed up in people’s eyes– 

Christine: I know. 

Em: –if I just shoved the bowl in their face, and I was like, “Do you want a piece of candy?” And they’d be like, “I don’t have any kids.” 

Christine: I know! It’s– 

Em: And I’m like, “I didn’t ask if you have any fucking kids. Do you want candy?” 

Christine: Yeah, that’s not what I asked, you weirdo. [laughs] 

Em: I’m like, “Halloween’s for everyone, bitch. Like who told you that’s not true?” 

Christine: It is. Aw. 

Em: Um, and, uh, I will say it was nice the first and the last trick-or-treater were door-knockers, so it did feel classic. 

Christine: Oh, at least you got that experience. Nice. 

Em: Yeah, um, I’ll– I, I wanted to tell you. There was someone– My two favorite people that came by – um, one of them reminded me of Leona, a little kid in costume. 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: Because she had such a little fucking attitude. 

Christine: Oh god. [laughs] 

Em: She, [laughs] she walked by, and she went, “I don’t want any candy,” and then she skipped away. And then she stopped and turned around and went, “Just kidding!” 

Christine: Oh! [laughs] [clapping while laughing] 

Em: And then she came right back and robbed us. 

Christine: I love it. That’s a performance. 

Em: Um, and then there was– 

Christine: That’s gorgeous. I love that. 

Em: –one person who, uh, this kid– 

Christine: [laughs] “Just kidding!” 

Em: This kid– [laughs] “Just kidding!” And then she like took all of it. Um, there was one kid dressed as this little like– It was a handmade outfit– 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: –and it was a robot costume. And they couldn’t even see through their own costume. And they were like– 

Christine: [laughs] They’re just like walking around. 

Em: They were like, “Can you put the candy in? I can’t see.” 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: And I was like, “For that, you get half of this bowl for sure.” 

Christine: There you go. 

Em: Um, but– 

Christine: The like least effective robot in history. Can’t even pick up candy. 

Em: Well, so then when I put candy in, all of a sudden, his– like his– It was like a cardboard robot thing. He clearly had like an LED light or something in there. 

Christine: No… 

Em: –and as soon as I put candy in, the light turned on in his mask and he went, [robotic voice] “Scanning. Robot scanning.” 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: And then he went, [robotic voice] “Candy complete.” And then he just ran away. [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] Okay, hold on. Every year, I’m making this a tradition– 

Em: I’m like, “That’s a theatre kid.” [laughs] 

Christine: Eva, write this down. Every year, we’re gonna do like our favorite trick-or-treaters of the night before. I think that’s r-really fun. 

Em: Oh! I would– I wou– I mean, that was like– That’s a– Absolutely a character. 

Christine: “Just kidding!” 

Em: “Just kidding!” 

Christine: Yeah, I want to hear more about candy scanning and all the homemade costumes. Yeah, let’s pick– 

Em: Who was your favorite? 

Christine: Oh my gosh. Now I’m trying to think. Um, I was just always so surprised by how sweet some of the kids were. 

Em: Yes! 

Christine: Like they would just turn around and go, “Thank you, ma’am,” and I was like, “Oh! You’re five!” 

Em: They clearly– I was telling Allison, I was like they clearly got such a lecture like before they left the house of their mom being like, “Do not fucking disappoint me. Do not embarrass us.” Because– 

Christine: [laughs] Do not– “This is a big moment.” 

Em: Because every single kid who would only grab one piece tattled on themselves, and they were like, “I think I accidentally got two.” And I’m like, “I’m not your mom, kid. Take five. What’s wrong with you?” 

Christine: I know. “I accidentally got two.” That happened a lot. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: I, I feel like it was all a blur. I can’t even remember what my favorite costume was. There were some where they were clearly homemade, and I was like, “I have no idea what you are, but it is cracking me up.” 

Em: Yeah, but like the effort is there. 

Christine: “Because I love it.” Yes, I’m like I– “You’re really owning it, whatever you are.” 

Em: I– This– 

Christine: Yeah, there was nothing like super like creative though like, I don’t think, costume-wise. I don’t– 

Em: No? What was the most common one? 

Christine: Oh my gosh. We didn’t even have a lot of like princesse– like Elsa. We had some, but– 

Em: I was gonna say ours was Elsas. We– 

Christine: Really? 

Em: Your– Leona was on to something with Grumpy Toad. 

Christine: She knew. She knew that she had to be the odd one out. But there were a lot of like Minecraft [laughs] – 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: –and like things that I don’t really understand where I’m like, “Okay. I know sort of that that’s a thing young people like.” There was a SpongeBob I was excited about. 

Em: I saw a SpongeBob. 

Christine: A little girl as SpongeBob was cute, yeah. 

Em: I saw– Okay, we saw three Pikachus. And for one who– one who’s like a little baby, and he was like trying to figure out the concept of grabbing a piece of candy. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Um, we– His parents were like, “I’m sorry,” and we were like, “No, we– we’re big Pokémon fans.” The dad whipped out Pokémon cards and just gave them to us. 

Christine: No. 

Em: I was like– [laughs] 

Christine: Wait, what? Oh! Hell, yeah. 

Em: I was like, “I know who picked this kid’s costume.” 

Christine: So you got a trick-or-treat back. 

Em: It, it literally– And they were trick-or-treat themed Pokémon cards. 

Christine: Wait, that’s really cute. 

Em: Isn’t that fun? 

Christine: Yeah! 

Em: Um, oh– 

Christine: Who knew? 

Em: I was going to tell you the– This is like a, uh, one that’s trending on TikTok right now, but I saw one in real life, and it blew my mind: was someone dressed as, um, Doug Dimmadome, Home of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome, from Fairly OddParents. And– 

Christine: [gasps] That’s very good. 

Em: And the hat? Like it was– It, it, it went so high that they couldn’t walk through the trees. Like it just kept knocking off. [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: But everyone they walked past would go, “Doug Dimmadome!” And he’d go, “Home of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome!” 

Christine: No, that’s so– Oh, it must feel so good when people like actually recognize you, and you’re like, “Hell, yeah.” Well, Leona thought everyone recognized her ’cause I made her a name tag that said “Grumpy Toad from Pete the Cat”. And then I bought a sticker book and put stickers of the characters, so people would be like, “Oh, I recognize that.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: So people would be like, “Hi, Grumpy Toad.” And she’s like, “I am Grumpy Toad!” And we were like– 

Em: No, that’s– You probably– I don’t think you realize how much better you made her Halloween. Like she’s gonna remember people– 

Christine: Oh, hey, I do because as a child with a very thick German accent, when I would try to tell people like, “I’m the elf from the Hans Christian Andersen series,” and everyone else is like Pocahontas. 

Em: [laughs] “I’m a cantaloupe. I’m a paper bag.” Yeah. 

Christine: Yeah, [laughs] 

Em: Something fucking weird. 

Christine: Yeah, something fucking weird, um, and people wouldn’t get it. And then I would just like get made fun of, and I’d feel so embarrassed. So I was like, “That is not happening. I am putting her costume on her name tag.” 

Em: But I think you know what it’s– I think what you know you did is that you didn’t give her a bad experience, but I don’t think you realize the joy of the good experience. Because– 

Christine: Aw, that’s nice. I had not thought about it that way. 

Em: Sh– Because she definitely will remember this as like a moment where like a hundred people recognized her. 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: That had to blow her mind. You know? 

Christine: And then she got a king-sized Hershey bar. Oh man. 

Em: She’s not having a bad day, I’m telling you that. 

Christine: She’s having a great time. Oh, and last thing I wanna say too: I had to post for the first time in– since moving here in my neighborhood forum– Like they have this like e-forum, and the post was called, “Have you seen my legs?” because I bought– So remember how I said last year my skeleton was stolen, so I bought another one this year. And it finally came on Halloween yesterday. I set him all up. I put an And That’s Why We Drink witch hat on him ’cause that was the only witch hat I had. And I put that on him, and then I made sure to tie him up to the door so that like people couldn’t steal him, right? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Some fucking asshole teenagers, I’m assuming– I– Listen, maybe not. But some assholes pulled the legs off of it and just like took those. 

Em: Is this like a, like a tr– like a viral thing? Like a trend? Because– 

Christine: No, I think people just like to take shit. Like sometimes people will just dig the flowers out of my flower pots and just like walk away. 

Em: Now I’m like checking all my stuff in the yard. I’m like, “Where’s my s– Where’s my shit?” [laughs] 

Christine: For real. I don’t know what it is. It’s like– It’s– I mean, we’re near a high school, and I think just sometimes the kids just get like– And it’s, it’s whatever. Like I’m not gonna hold a grudge about it, but I had to post– The, the reason I posted is ’cause I have the top half of the skeleton, and I’m like, “Well, what are they gonna do? They’ll probably just toss it out into the sidewalk.” 

Em: [laughs] Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So I said, “If anyone happens to see disembodied skeleton feet, like please let me know.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Um, so, anyway, that’s just my PSA today. I was very sad when I saw him missing this morning. Um– 

Em: Teenagers suck. I told you I got egged, right? My, uh– 

Christine: No! 

Em: The car, my car, thank god. Not my actual house, which is– 

Christine: Your car got egged? 

Em: Yeah. But I– But even then– 

Christine: No. 

Em: But then as I say, um, “thank god”, not really because like paint– 

Christine: I was gonna say. 

Em: The paint like starts chipping off pretty quick if it dries. 

Christine: Yeah, and it s– probably seeps into everything. Ew, Em! 

Em: Um, but I– 

Christine: Who did that? 

Em: I don’t know. Uh, not fucking me. 

Christine: Teenagers? 

Em: Teen-teenagers, yeah. 

Christine: Allison. [laughs] 

Em: It was– [laughs] It was clearly a drive-by. 

Christine: Ugh, god. 

Em: Like our car was not targeted, but, um– 

Christine: Was that last night? 

Em: No, I– You would think. 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: It was on a random– 

Christine: I was gonna say at least it was on Halloween. 

Em: It was on a random like August night when we moved in. It was– 

Christine: And it’s a hot month. Oh, that’s rude. 

Em: Oh, well, I– I’m sure they thought it was hysterical. 

Christine: I’m sure they did. 

Em: But like fun fact if you do get egged that– a– once the egg dries, the paint starts chipping on your car - LOL. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: But if it happened on the house, then it’s hard to clean, and then your house smells like rotten eggs. So. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Em: I don’t know which I prefer, but– 

Christine: It’s not good either way. 

Em: But because they’re teenagers and they stay up until like 4 in the morning– 

Christine: –you can’t like catch them. 

Em: Well, no, I was gonna say because they were up until 4 in the morning, and then we– I was like leaving for the airport at like 6 in the morning, like I caught it while it was runny. It looked like someone s– 

Christine: [sighs] Oh, you happened to see– I see. Okay. 

Em: It looked like someone like snot-rocketed all over my car. It looked disgusting. 

Christine: That’s nasty, dude. 

Em: And then thank god, I saw eggshell in there, and I was like, “Okay, it’s just egg.” But it had to get– 

Christine: Ugh. 

Em: We saw it while it was still able to get washed off, so. 

Christine: Yuck. Well, I’m sorry that happened. I, I don’t envy you. I hope it got cleaned. [laughs] 

Em: It did. Anyway, teenagers suck. 

Christine: Oh, good. 

Em: Um– 

Christine: [singing “Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance] ♪ Teenagers scare– ♪ Remember when we thought that was like our anthem? And now it’s like, no, it’s how I really feel about teenagers. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: [singing] ♪ –the living shit out of me ♪♪ 

Em: I remember being like, “Yeah, we’re scary!” 

Christine: “Yeah, we’re so scary!” [laughs] 

Em: And now I’m just like, “No, you’re just annoying,” and that’s what scares me is like you’re so unpredictable with how fucking annoying you are. 

Christine: That’s– You’re unpredictable. Yes, you piss me off. 

Em: Yeah, I’m just scared of not feeling relaxed because you’re gonna do something that annoys me. Yeah. 

Christine: Like pulling the legs off my skeleton is not even gonna get you a nice Halloween decoration. It’s just now two broken pieces of a– Like at least make it a good prank. Like come on. 

Em: Also the invincibility of teenagers freaks me out. I’m just like– 

Christine: Oh, they’re out of control. 

Em: I’m just like– And I remember feeling that way too. So I’m like– 

Christine: Hey, remember when you told me fucking paint a Starbucks lid and put it up by my skeleton– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –and I just didn’t have time? 

Em: I’m just saying it would have maybe– 

Christine: If only. 

Em: I, I, I wonder if someone would have seen that and go, “Oh no, we can’t.” 

Christine: [sighs] That would have been wild though if the legs were m– if it got stolen and that stupid Frappuccino lid was up on the ceiling. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Like, “Well, that didn’t work.” [laughs] 

Em: “Well, we tried.” [sighs] 

Christine: [sighs] Oh god. Okay, I’m so sorry. Anyway, um, this is a long intro, but after Halloween, we, we gotta catch up, so– 

Em: Um, no, I think, uh, people would like to hear our spooky, spooky stuff. 

Christine: I think– 

Em: I also would like to know what, um– If you guys wanna write in the comments, I wanna know what our like listeners actually dressed up as or what their family dressed up as, so. 

Christine: Oh, fun! I bet people have creative costumes in our, in our audience. I mean, we know that. We did the, uh, we did the Halloween costume, uh– 

Em: Contest. 

Christine: –contest, yeah. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: And we have some great ones. It was very hard to pick, but we did end up picking some winners. I believe those are gonna be announced at some point. Also sorry, I was supposed to mention this. Um, I hope Eva’s not having a heart attack, but, uh, we h– need to annou-announce a very quick thing about Patreon, which is just that, um– It’s an Apple iOS situation. They changed– You’ve probably heard this on other podcasts that you listen to, but they changed the sign up process for Patreon. Um, essentially, if you sign up through the App Store, you end up paying like a big surcharge, and so we’re just, uh, encouraging people to go onto the desktop, like a w– just a web browser to sign up. 

Em: Patreon.com, yeah. 

Christine: Yeah, exactly. Like the actual site. Just because, um, we don’t want people to get overcharged, and that just kinda goes straight to Apple. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Um, and, you know, I think we can all agree, even if they are hard up, they’re, they’re fine. Okay? 

Em: Yeah. [laughs] 

Christine: So we don’t need your hard-earned money going there, um, if it doesn’t have to. So yeah, you can, uh, go to Patreon. And on that note, we did an awesome Patreon Halloween livestream. It was super fun. 

Em: Yes, and– 

Christine: And it was so fun I think we decided we wanna maybe make that a monthly thing. 

Em: Yeah, I would like to. I, I– Well, I really enjoyed that, um, before– It was during COVID or before COVID, but we used to do a monthly Instagram live, and then, um– 

Christine: Yes, it was pre-COVID ’cause there was no way to do two distances yet. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: That’s why we had to stop. 

Em: Yeah, and so, um, I– That was always one of my favorite things to do ’cause it’s– 

Christine: Same. 

Em: –at least once a month when people can actually interact with us and ask us questions and– 

Christine: Yeah, it feels like we’re talking to you, yeah. [laughs] 

Em: Yeah, so I, I would like to do that. Actually, probably I like that more maybe than, um, Yappy Hour? Um, but I feel like– [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah, we were thinking– Well, ’cause we looked at the number– We crunched the numbers, folks. Um, we crunched the numbers– and by that I mean I looked at them one time– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: –and, uh, they weren’t– I mean, people come to the Yappy Hour, but it’s not that many. And it feels like maybe people aren’t as excited about it as they were about like the livestream. So we’re thinking of potentially just doing a monthly livestream instead of the Yappy Hours, but we’re gonna put a poll on Patreon so that people can weigh in with their options, their favorites. 

Em: Well, I– No, I actually I– I really prefer the livestream more than the Yappy Hour because I feel like the Yappy Hour is just, um, like a, another podcast episodes, which is fine– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: ’Cause that– I mean, that is basically what it is. 

Christine: But it’s always about just something kind of– You don’t know what to expect. It’s kind of random, which is fine too, but. 

Em: And, and I, I always– I love a livestream. I love interacting with everybody, so I, I’ll always take that over anything else. So– 

Christine: Same, and now that we know like we have the right software and stuff, I feel like it’ll be, uh, easier. 

Em: And certainly better than it was pre-COVID, so. 

Christine: Oh, and Em made a good point too. Like we could do like more seasonal ones, so like a Christmas or a, you know, holiday livestream, and a– 

Em: Yeah, I wanted to– I suggested, um, that Christine and I open our Christmas presents on a December one. 

Christine: Oh, that’s right! Yes. Yes. 

Em: Because we usually do it as like a, a Patreon special, but it’s like– I kind of– Like sometimes the– I’m giving you things that have to do with the show, and then no one gets to like even be a part of that, you know? 

Christine: It feels like we’re not– Right, and we’re not going back to look at comments later, so it’s like, “Oh, now we can actually see people react, and they can see us react live.” So. 

Em: Yeah. Anyway– 

Christine: Anyway, sorry, that, that– Sorry, Eva, that I forgot to mention that, but– 

Em: It would also give people a chance to like weigh in on like what they want to talk about during the livestream, like if there’s anything they want to ask questions about, so. 

Christine: Oh, true. Like ask questions about things, yeah. 

Em: Yeah. Anyway– 

Christine: Like I got to talk about how I was polter-groped ’cause someone asked about the ghost in my house. [laughs] 

Em: That’s crazy. Yeah, for people who weren’t on the livestream, Christine had something touch her in her house on her “bubbies.” 

Christine: Boo– boob. 

Em: Yeah. Has it happened since? 

Christine: No, last night I was like, “Oh my god, it’s gonna happen ’cause I talked about it.” Um– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: But no, no it didn’t happen. Um, so maybe they’re giving me a little space. I don’t know. We’ll see. 

Em: Okay. Well, good luck to you and– 

Christine: Thank you. 

Em: –the twins. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: I’m so– I’m sorry, that’s so gross. Um, Christine, I really need you to do me a favor. 

Christine: Oh, okay. Anything. 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: I know. I was like, “I just wanna see what happens if I say ‘anything.’” 

Em: Uh, this is, this is certainly doable. I wrote this– these notes with the intention that you are gonna really fucking bring it in terms of banter. 

Christine: Good thing I brought a vape pen. 

[laughs] 

Em: I was gonna say, “Not to put you on the spot, but I need you to like be a really good podcaster today.” Um– [laughs] 

Christine: Oh, be on my A-game, you say? Um, no, what I– I was on– 

Em: It’s gonna be easy. It’s gonna be easy for you. 

Christine: Okay, okay. I’m ready. Watch me be so bad at bantering because now I know I should banter, and I’m like, “Wow, the pressure’s on,” and suddenly I choke. 

Em: No, no. I promise you the prompts are very clear. 

Christine: “Excellentante.” Okay, well, I will also say real quick. I was on, um, an episode that I know you did the same thing, GACC, uh, Gossip at the Corpse Cart with Lucy and Amanda from Wine & Crime. Um, it was you, me, and my brother – all three in a row for three months, so, uh– 

Em: Oh, really? [laughs] 

Christine: Yes. So I got my, my shot. And we recorded yesterday, and Amanda just goes, “Oh, don’t worry. You can vape on the show.” And they a– both pick up their vape pens. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And I was like, “Wait, where’s mine?” And I pull mine out, and they were like, “Oh my god, we [unintelligible from laughter]” So I thought, “Wow, they’re so much cooler than me,” um– 

Em: Like they feel– You feel so seen, yeah. 

Christine: I feel so seen. I can’t believe I don’t have to hide it. Anyway, sorry. So yes, I am prepared to banter. 

Em: Okay. Take, take a big hit bef– I, I won’t, I won’t do the thing that I want to do which is tell you information so you can choke, ‘cause I don’t want you to choke on smoke – that’s crazy. 

Christine: Yeah, that would really be bad for audio. 

Em: But I would like you to, to get warmed up if you– 

Christine: Okay, I’m super weird about doing it on camera, so I’ll go down here. [leans offscreen] 

Em: Well, just hide away. Just hide– Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ohhh– And you know, if a principal saw you, you’d be in so much trouble. 

Christine: [sits back up] Oh my god, I just remembered my favorite trick-or-treater. This little boy walked up and said, “What’s your name?” And I went, “What’s your name?” And then he went, “You look a lot like my principal.” 

Em: [gasps] Oh, that’s such a, a painful thing to say. 

Christine: And I went, “I, I do?” I was like, “Excuse me?” And then he like came up, and he looked at me, and he went, “Never mind.” And he took a whole handful and walked away. And I was like, “That was the weirdest thing I ever experienced.” 

Em: That was– I mean, in the world of trick-or-treats, that was a fucking trick, for sure. 

Christine: The– I know! It was so rude. And the way that I tell you this child was probably seven. Like really small, and he’s like, [in a higher voice with a demanding tone] “What’s your name?” And I was like, “Is that how you talk to your principal?” Like damn. 

Em: [laughs] I like how as a seven-year-old, he’s like, “Y– I know you’re not someone who’s gonna piss me off on Halloween.” 

Christine: “Hey, you!” Yeah, [laughs] “Get outta here!” 

Em: [laughs] “I know you’re not about to put restrictions on my good time.” 

Christine: When a six-year-old just walks up and goes, “What’s your name?” I was like, “Excuse me, what’s your name, little child?” Um– 

Em: I, I either want to be on your side or I want to run very far away from you. Yeah. 

Christine: I was like next year I should dress as like pr– a principal and see if that kid comes back. 

Em: Oh, did you get that kid’s name? It’d be funny if you like gave him like a, a, hall– a detention or something. 

Christine: Well, I said, “What’s your name?” And he’s like, he’s like, “I’m not telling you.” And I was like, “Well, [laughs] I’m not gonna tell you either.” 

Em: His parents are cops. I can already tell. [laughs] 

Christine: I kn– [laughs] I know. I was gonna say he’s, he’s like, “I d– I don’t play this game.” 

Em: “Show me your badge number. I’m not telling you anything without a lawyer present.” 

Christine: Yeah, [laughs] “I don’t play this game.” 

Em: Uh, [laughs] okay– 

Christine: “Mommy, that lady asked for my name.” Okay, he asked me first. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Ugh, god. 

Em: Trust me, I know. I was like, “Am I gonna get in trouble with any of these kids if I get too wild and out?” 

Christine: I know. It’s– Yeah. Too wi– [laughs] Start wildin’ out. 

Em: Um, okay. Where were we? Um, oh, yes. I’m about to tell you a very good thing. Well, a very silly thing. And I think– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: –anyone who knows this topic has probably been eager for me to talk about it. 

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Em: Um, this is the Dildo Monster.

Christine: [gasps] What? 

Em: Are you very excited? I’m very excited. 

Christine: What? 

Em: This– Or the Monster of Dildo Pond. [sad sting] Mwah, mwah, mwah. 

Christine: [laughs] The Dildo Monster is so good. 

Em: I have to tell you now you’re going to forget halfway through that a monster’s coming. 

Christine: Okay? 

Em: Because the first half is just obviously a deep dive on the fucking Dildo Monster. Because I’m– 

Christine: So I’m gonna forget and then the Dildo Monster will like suddenly surprise me. That’s great. 

Em: And then she’ll appear, yes. 

Christine: That’s just excellent news. Thank you. [laughs] 

Em: Um, so, I, I f– I have some extra notes. I couldn’t, I couldn’t tear away from this. I have extra notes that I texted myself later, so I’m going to be going between two sets of notes. So at some point, I will slip up and go, “Oh, fuck.” 

Christine: [laughs] “I couldn’t tear myself away from this one.” 

Em: I just couldn’t– I couldn’t get myself away from this big Dildo Monster. You know what I’m saying? 

Christine: I mean, I– The number of times I’ve heard you say that. 

Em: Which by the way, um, rest in peace to my algorithm, every piece of internet that– 

Christine: Oh, I imagine you’re fucked. Yeah. 

Em: Though immediately– I mean, even like TikTok. Like that– 

Christine: In more ways than one. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] There– Like truly, every– I don't know what the right words are, but after searching this, my entire computer I’m surprised didn’t just shut down. Because– 

Christine: Didn’t just set on fire. [laughs] 

Em: Well, when you type in “Dildo Monster,” I’ll tell you that cryptid is not the first thing that comes up. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] This is like when I do Beach Too Sandy and I’m like searching for like “blue lives matter blankets” on Amazon to read reviews. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And then Amazon’s like, “We got the perfect gift for you this holiday season.” [laughs] I’m like, “What’s happening?” 

Em: [laughs] I’m telling you the, the way that, um, uh, fantasy sex toys are– 

Christine: Oh boy! That’s your– 

Em: –just showing up on my phone. 

Christine: –in your new h-holiday wish list. Oh my god. 

Em: And remember, I’m the Charlotte, so this is– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Every time I turn on my phone, I just go, “Ahh!” 

Christine: Well, apparently I’m also the Charlotte, so maybe we’re both just– I didn’t know– So wait, you’re the Charlotte too? 

Em: Well, I– In the actual bedroom, I would be a Charlotte for sure. 

Christine: Oh, oh, oh. I see, I see. You’re the Charlotte of like being– Yeah, of sex toys. Got it. 

Em: Uh-huh. But between the two of us, we both know that the, the gamut runs from Samantha to Charlotte and– 

Christine: Understood. Okay, I see. I see. 

Em: I, I’m looking at a Samantha, you know what I’m saying? 

Christine: No, I don’t see her anywhere, so it’s fine. 

[laughs] 

Em: Okay, so this is in a town called Dildo, Newfoundland. 

Christine: Dildo, Newfoundland. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Im– Inc– Impeccable. 

Em: Uh, there are about 1,200 Dildoians. 

Christine: Stop it right now. 

Em: And fun fact: in 1938, Amelia Earhart stopped here to refuel. 

Christine: Yeah, she did. [laughs] 

Em: I have a feeling she knew exactly what she was doing. 

Christine: [laughs] That’s what she said. That is really good. That’s really good news. I’m glad she got to see that before she passed. 

Em: Sh– I’m– I love that she had a map, and she saw, “Well, I’m obviously refueling in Dildo. There’s just no way I’m not.” 

Christine: “Where else would I possibly go? I’ll reroute for a few miles just to get there.” 

Em: ’Cause it’s been named Dildo for centuries, so she definitely at least landed and went, “What is this place?” And they went, “Welcome to Dildo.” And she went, “Oh, yeah. I’m with the right people.” 

Christine: [singing] ♪ Welcome to– ♪♪ [snaps fingers] They probably did like a little welcome– 

Em: [to the tune of O’Riley Auto Parts jingle] ♪ D-d-d-d-dildo / O’Riley ♪ 

Christine: [joins in] ♪ O’Riley / Auto Parts ♪ 

Em: ♪ Dildo parts / Ow! ♪♪ 

[laughs] 

Christine: ♪ Penis parts ♪♪ 

Em: [laughs] So okay, Amelia Earhart stopped here. And now, because, obviously, of the name, other celebrities have stopped by. Um, and this is where I now go into a deep dive. I was not going to do these notes and not look up why the fuck this place is called Dildo. 

Christine: Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Em: So fun fact, dildos have been a concept– Do you want to guess how long dildos have been around? 

Christine: Certainly well before probably the wheel. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Um, I’m thinking– 

Em: Uh, you’re– 

Christine: I’m thinking caveman era. Um, I don’t know. Go ahead. Tell me. 

Em: Uh, since the Ice Age at the very least. 

Christine: Okay! So yeah, great. [laughs] 

Em: So almost 30,000 years ago. 

Christine: Since the dinosaurs. No, not quite. 

Em: Since people realized they could get freaky with whatever’s nearby, I suppose. 

Christine: I mean, it must have been one of the first lessons they figured out. 

Em: I mean, you didn’t have internet or books. Like you gotta get– You gotta kill time somehow. 

Christine: What else are you gonna do? 

Em: Yeah. Um, so they’ve been around for, I think, 28,000 years. 

Christine: Jesus. 

Em: But the word “dildo” itself did not always mean sex toy. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: Since the 1700s, the word “dildo” actually just meant any random cylindrical object. 

Christine: Really? 

Em: So if it was a cylindrical object, it was a dildo. 

Christine: Dildo is such a funny word like separated from being a sex thing. Like “dildo”– 

Em: I know. 

Christine: –like it already sounds very silly. 

Em: Which is wild ’cause like it’s certainly– Of the things it is, it is not sexy. Like it’s not like, “Oh, pass me the [exaggerated emphasis] dildo.” 

Christine: The w– 100%. 100%. That’s a great point. 

Em: You know? You would think dildo– 

Christine: It’s like who thought, “Oh, I know the perfect match?” 

Em: You would think a modern sex toy would have like a sexy thing. Like you would say, “Pass me the–“ 

Christine: Yeah. I mean, honestly like if they just– 

Em: – [in soft, breathy voice] “bleh-bleh-bleh.” 

Christine: –if they just called it “the cylinder.” Like that even sounds better than fucking dildo. 

Em: Ooh! Mystere. 

Christine: Like– Come on. 

Em: I mean, dildo is pretty mysterious, I guess, but it sounds too silly that no one even cares about its mysteriousness. 

Christine: Exactly, it just sounds very unsexy, like you said. 

Em: Uh, as we’re talking about sexy, uh, as I was doing these notes– 

Christine: And you and I know what sounds sexy, so– [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] I’ll t— I’ll tell you, as the Charlotte of the podcast, I know sexy. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Uh, Allison came out this morning and saw me working on these notes, and then she went– And she just saw at the top of the page, it said, “Dildo Monster.” 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: She just went, “Oh?” She’s like– 

Christine: She’s like, “I’m gonna go back to my Excel spreadsheet. I’m so sorry I even looked.” 

Em: Yeah, she was like, “Looking forward to tuning in, I guess,” Um– 

Christine: [laughs] Oh no. 

Em: S– You would think because she lives with me she would get like early intel, but she very much was like, “I don’t want to know.” [laughs] 

Christine: She’s like, “I actually don’t want that. I don’t want any intel. I regret looking at all.” 

Em: So, uh, okay. “Dildo” means any random cylindrical object. So any– You, you know what? You– Now that you know this and Blaise doesn’t, you should just mention anytime you see a cylindr– I mean, my LD – is that not a dildo? 

Christine: Oh my gosh, you’re right. So I’ll be like, “Pass me the dildo,” and it’ll just be like a– 

Em: “Hang on, I’m gonna put this dildo to my mouth and let the liquid just seep in.” [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: “Drink it up!” Okay. 

Christine: “I’m going to pour the contents of this dildo9 straight into my mouth.” 

Em: [laughs] Vomitus. 

Christine: Um, yeah. I like, I like that very much like just a street lamp. I’m trying to think of other things where like– 

Em: I mean, you are teaching Leona shapes, no? 

Christine: Yeah, sure. I mean, I am now. 

Em: Just say, “That’s a dildo.” [laughs] “That’s, that’s a rhombus, I think.” [laughs] 

Christine: “That’s your classic dildo, and that’s your classic rhombus. Thank god I’m here to teach you about this.:” 

Em: All she has to know is like circle, square, dildo, and then everything else is a rhombus, ’cause it’s just– 

Christine: That sounds like correct to me. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: I crunched the numbers, and I think they’re correct. 

Em: [laughs] Who taught you that line? ’Cause that’s hysterical, and you’ve said it twice. 

Christine: I can’t stop saying it. I, I started saying it the other day, and I thought, “That’s funny.” And I just haven’t– 

Em: If someone– See? You’re teaching Leona things while you’re still– you’re learning from others. 

Christine: I’m learning so much. 

Em: Um, okay, so yes. Cylindrical object. So maybe the area was called Dildo not to be funny but because like it had like a cylindrical shape or– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: You know, it could have been anything like that. But, um, there were other theories as to why the town might have been called Dildo. One being that there is a local bush – LOL, bush – um– 

Christine: W– I was like, “Oh, wow. This is– This goes deep. This lore goes very deep.” [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] Uh, there was a local shrubbery, I should say– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: –um, that was actually called a dildo tree. And so it’s kinda just like our– 

Christine: Oh, is it this one? [mimes a tall cylindrical shape with her hand] Like probably? 

Em: [laughs] Honestly, I think I looked up dildo tree, trying to s– I looked up dildo tree, and guess what I found? Um, uh– 

Christine: [laughs] Uh, let me check ’cause I just googled it also. Oops! 

Em: Is it just a Christmas tree covered in dildos? because that’s what I got. 

Christine: Yeah, sure is. Actually– Whoa. This one’s a dildo in the shape of a Christmas tree. That looks painful, I’ll be honest with you. 

Em: Oh? Um, my understanding from the very limited actual information I could find, uh, was that a dildo tree is like a cactus of sorts. 

Christine: Oh! Okay. Interesting. 

Em: Or at least it’s cactus-shaped, which yeah, a cactus is a dildo-shaped tree. 

Christine: I– Leona’s like, “I’m learning plants. Like that’s another dildo.” She’d be like, “I’m so confused!” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “ I thought a dildo was that street lamp outside.” 

Em: I mean, the best part really is a hot dog, shape-wise? That’s a dildo. 

Christine: Listen, banana– You know, you’ve got it all. 

Em: And it’s a wiener. 

Christine: And it’s a wien– [closes eyes, shaking her head] 

Em: Now it’s a dildo. Is it, is it a real wiener or a fake wiener now? I don’t even know. 

Christine: I’m gonna hold off on– 

Em: Oscar-Meyer, weigh in. 

Christine: [laughs] I’m gonna hold off on, uh, having this conversation with Leona on second thought. 

Em: [laughs] Um, so it could be named after a tree, just like how like we have Joshua tree and it’s named after the Joshua Tree. 

Christine: Oh my god, I found it. 

Em: What is it? Is it a cactus? 

Christine: It’s literally a common name used for several species of long narrow cactus. And then they have like different types of– Oh, it’s the ones where they have like little– They go like this [mimes several long cylindrical branches growing up from a central root area]. 

Em: Oh, the classics. 

Christine: But not even from like– They’re like– Hm, let me send you a picture. 

Em: Oh, with like– they all start from the root. 

Christine: Yes! Yes, exactly. 

Em: It’s like three fingers coming out of the ground. 

Christine: They look like a bunch of dildos coming out of the ground. 

Em: Ahh, a ménage à trois, if you will. 

Christine: Let me send the group– [laughs] I’m gonna– Well, well, more than trois. I think it’s more like– 

Em: It’s, it’s the orgy tree. [laughs] 

Christine: How do you say 17 in, uh– [laughs] –in French? 

Em: Dix-sept. 

Christine: Here’s a pic– Oh! Wait, wow. Good job. 

Em: Ménage à dix-sept. Um– 

Christine: Oh my god, that’s beautiful. Um, anyway, I sent a picture to the group. 

Em: Speaking– Thank you. S– 

Christine: Uh, and then– Oh my god. 

Em: What? 

Christine: Imagine seeing this and going, “Yep, that’s a dildo.” Hold on. 

Em: Oh. 

Christine: Sending this to the group right now. This is on the Wikipedia for a dildo cactus. [close-up photo of a cactus with cluster of spines that are several inches long] 

Em: Oh my god. See, this is the exact opposite of a dildo. This is– 

Christine: That is what you would r-really have to run away from. 

Em: –worst way to, um, exfoliate the insides of you. 

Christine: Thank god it was during the Ice Age and there weren’t giant cacti to experiment with. 

Em: [sighs] Yeah, they look like those fake hot dogs out in nature that are on a stick near the pond. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Those are always so rude. 

Em: Um, which also is a dildo. I mean, by definition. So– 

Christine: You’re, you’re exactly right. 

Em: Speaking of French, um, another theory of why this place is called Dildo is because it might stem from French or the French term “île d’eau”, which is “island of water.” 

Christine: Oh! Well, that also tracks. 

Em: It could also mean a– It could come from the old Spanish word for the bottom of a boat, which I tried looking up what the hull of a boat is in Spanish, and it didn’t look like anything resembling dildo, so– 

Christine: [laughs] It wasn’t dildo? Okay. 

Em: I don’t know if that one lands. Um, and then they also think it could be Italian, which is uh– It could be a bastardization of the word– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: –“diletto” which means “delight.” 

Christine: Oh, that’s cute. 

Em: So maybe you say diletto enough times– 

Christine: [softly] Diletto, diletto. 

Em: You say “dil-eh-do”, “dil-uh-doh”, “dil-uh-doh”, dildo, dildo. 

Christine: Yeah, I can see that. 

Em: So. Since it’s a nautical town, it could also stem from– 

Christine: Wait, so there’s probably not cacti there then. 

Em: Right, that’s what I don’t understand. 

Christine: Yeah, that’s– 

Em: But maybe there was a, a plant that looked like it at– 

Christine: Right. 

Em: –in the 1700s. 

Christine: That’s true. It– That’s true. It could have just been a different– Yeah. 

Em: Um, but since it’s a nautical town– It’s like a very maritime– It’s a small boating, fishing town. 

Christine: Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm. 

Em: Um, it could be named after the cylindrical shaped pegs on boat oars, which they are the shape of a dildo. 

Christine: Oh. Cylindrical shaped pegs, okay. Sure. 

Em: So that’s another theory. Or it could be everyone’s favorite theory, which, um, let me double check my text to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything yet. Nope, perfect. Okay. I just want to make sure that I say it all. You’re gonna love this. Okay. So– [laughs] Everyone’s– 

Christine: [laughs] I’m on the edge of my seat. 

Em: Everyone’s favorite theory is that– So the name– The town has been called Dildo since 1711 at least. That’s the earliest documentation we have of it. 

Christine: Wow, okay. 

Em: Um, which is why I gave the whole history of what dildo even means– 

Christine: Right, so it probably has nothing to do with a dildo. 

Em: –because in the 1700s, it could have just meant cylindrical. And this– 

Christine: Right, it just is very funny that they didn’t know what they were doing when they named the town. 

Em: But they might have because– So the first time the town was documented, it was Dildoe Island, and “Dildoe” did have an E at the end, I’ll say, so– 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: Maybe it had nothing to do with dildos at all. But, um, the explorer and land surveyor who came into this town– His name was Captain James Cook. And– Captain Cook. He was the surveyor of Newfoundland, and him and his assistant named Michael, which I like to think it was Michael Scott when you hear the rest of the this– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –um, they had the job of not only documenting and mapping out the land, but naming all the parts of the land as well. 

Christine: Stop it. 

Em: And they loved seventh grade humor. 

Christine: No. 

Em: It’s thought that they were just naming places in hopes to make each other laugh and then writing it down so they wouldn’t forget where they were going. And they were like, “oh, well–“ Maybe the thought was like, “Oh, we’ll write an actual name later, but for now, let’s just call it this thing.” 

Christine: [laughs] Oh no! 

Em: And so here are some other examples– 

Christine: Yes. Please. 

Em: –of things that they named. [laughs] On Dildo or near Dildo, there is Tickle Bay. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: There is Cuckolds Cove. 

Christine: No way. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] Con-conception Bay. 

Christine: Stop. 

Em: Gayside, which probably meant happy side at the time. 

Christine: Gayside. 

Em: Blow Me Down. 

Christine: No. 

Em: Spread Eagle Island. 

Christine: This– 

Em: Two islands that they named Our Ladies Bubies and then renamed them to The Twins. 

Christine: You’re kidding me. 

Em: And then farther up the coast is Ass Rock. 

Christine: Stop. 

Em: And– Literally just spelled A-S-S space Rock. Um– 

Christine: That’s when they like ran out of the jokes. They were like, “Let’s just call this one ‘Ass Rock’ and move on.” 

Em: I, I pro– I imagine they– that was the situation. But then they even had another one called– It was something called like, um, Leading Tickles or something where it was very, um– It’s badly sensual. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] Badly sensual. 

Em: [laughs] So anyway, they, they named all of the areas those things, and what are the odds it’s in a town called Dildo? 

Christine: That– I’m immediately convinced. Like there is no way you can un-convince me of that at this point. Cuckolds– 

Em: It’s also– 

Christine: Wait, what was the other one? The one that shocked me the most, I think. 

Em: Cuckolds Cove. 

Christine: Not Cuckolds Cove. There was one a few later. 

Em: Tickle Bay. 

Christine: No. 

Em: Oh, uh, Conception Bay, Gayside, Blow Me Down, Spread Eagle Island. Spread Eagle– 

Christine: Spread Eagle. Spread Eag– 

Em: I mean, come on. 

Christine: There is no way even in the 1700s that Spread Eagle didn’t have some sort of connotation. And then all the other ones? Come one. 

Em: And– And on top of it– So this is, uh, the, the main area called Dildoe. And it was the largest of three islands to get to Dildoe Tip. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So I mean, come on. 

Christine: I mean, it’s like right there. 

Em: And so what I think happened is that this town was maybe called Dildoe Island with an E, and it actually didn’t– was either like a bastardization of a different language or it was cylindrical shaped, I– And I think he was a 12-year-old, and he got on the island and went, “Haha, dildo, dildo.” 

Christine: [gasps] “Haha, dildo.” 

Em: And it, it started the– 

Christine: Oh, Em. 

Em: –the gears of him saying all these shitty little kid things. 

Christine: Oh, Em. That makes so much sense. 

Em: That’s my guess. I– There’s no– 

Christine: That makes so– 

Em: There’s no written word of that, but I mean like– 

Christine: No, that makes so much sense. It’s like, “Oh, the island started it. It’s called Dildoe. What was I supposed to do?” 

Em: Yeah, I feel like– I feel like he was like, “Oh, I, I’m actually here to do a job,” and then he saw that the island was called Dildoe, and he was like, “Well, today’s gonna be a fun day at work.” 

Christine: Yeah. “Yes, finally–” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: “–I get to be creative.” Wow. I think– 

Em: It’s like, “Oh, well, what would be on Dildoe Island? Obviously, Cuckolds Cove, you know.” So. 

Christine: Yes, and Spread Eagle and Ass Rock. I mean, come on. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Like that’s amazing. 

Em: I think that’s what happened because if you think about it– 

Christine: That’s the best theory. 

Em: –as much as people say, “Oh, Captain Cook named the place,” that was in the 1760s, and there’s documentation of Dildoe Island from 1711. So– 

Christine: Right! Okay, so they had already named it that for whatever reason. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: And he’s like, “Haha, dildo.” Oh my god. Em, you get it. 

Em: I think I figured it out. 

Christine: You know how a teenage boy works– mind works. [laughs] 

Em: I just had to deal with like a hundred of them last night. 

Christine: I know. They’re everywhere. 

Em: Um, so some people have petitioned to change the name of the island, but so many of the locals love it, especially because it brings in tourism for their small fishing town that– 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. 

Em: They’re like, “No, we’re not going to change it.” 

Christine: I mean, I’m actually growing to just like not feel weird about it, you know. 

Em: I mean, when you live in a town called Dildo, I think you just don’t even hear it as dildo anymore. 

Christine: You don’t think about it. Exactly. Exactly. 

Em: Yeah. 

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Em: So with today’s tourism, one of Dildo’s most precious traditions to the visitors is, um– 

Christine: Stop. 

Em: So if we went to Dildo, you and me– 

Christine: When we go to Dildo, you mean. 

Em: When we go to Dildo– 

Christine: Let’s speak it into existence. [laughs] 

Em: –there is, uh, a– 

Christine: I’m going to be driving you through Texas next week, and I’m gonna be like, “I gotta refuel. Uh, I’m just gonna take a quick detour.” [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] Okay, Amelia. 

Christine: [laughs] Yeah, I’m just– Do a quick refuel in the rental car up in Dildo. 

Em: Well, so there is a ceremony that, uh, the locals host for visitors coming in– 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: –to make them honorary Newfoundlanders. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: [enunciating] Newfoundlanders. Um, and it is called a Screech-In. 

Christine: What? 

Em: And a Screech-In– It’s a ceremony where visitors and newcomers drink for the first time the local drink called Screech. 

Christine: [laughs] Ooh. 

Em: And it is a very high alcohol rum. Some sources said it was up to 80 proof. 

Christine: Screech. 

Em: And, uh, basically the way that Screech came about is that, uh, a long time ago, Newfoundland would trade cod with Jamaica for their rum. 

Christine: Oh, interesting. 

Em: And so what made this really special though – this was like actually such a smart business move – is that, uh, these bottles of Screech in Jamaica– It was this, this rum in Jamaica. They would make it at 140 proof alcohol, and it was not meant to be drank like that. It was more of a concentrate that you’d dilute later. 

Christine: Wow, that is smart. 

Em: But the reason that they would do it that way is because, uh, if they made it that potent, you could save money by shipping either less bottles of it, or– 

Christine: Right, right. 

Em: –or you could ship a normal amount of bottles, but you would have like quadruple the amount of alcohol in those bottles. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. It makes total sense. 

Em: So it allegedly got its name, Screech, because, uh, a non-Newfoundlander, uh, came to town– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –and saw locals drinking it, and I guess they were in– I don’t know. In his mind, he was like, “I have to keep up with this guy, and he’s drinking a lot.” And so he saw that he was drinking Screech, and he’s like “Oh, I’ll take a shot of Screech,” and he didn’t know it was 140 proof. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: And so he took a shot of 140 p-proof booze, and he screamed. And someone in the bar was like, “What was that screech?” 

Christine: [gasps] That’s great. That’s great. 

Em: And the local apparently said, “The screech ’tis the rum.” Of like, “Oh, that scream? That was fucking– the alcohol.” 

Christine: [laughs] Yeah, you know, like we all would say at the bar after somebody just– [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Wait. Okay, so is the point– is the idea then that they, they received this rum, but they didn’t know that it was a concentrate? Or they just like to drink it as a concentrate? 

Em: I think that he was just an– I don’t totally know if people drink it as a concentrate. If they do, I think it’s just for this ceremony. 

Christine: Ohh. 

Em: I think that the point is that, “Oh, we’re gonna make it really high alcohol, so that way you get four times the amount of alcohol when it gets to you, and then you can dilute it and have four times the amount of drinks that the bottle would usually give you.” But then– 

Christine: Right, but so is the like traditional drink just the original 140 proof at the ceremony? 

Em: I thi– Well, now, now I think, um, because it’s easier to ship things, it, it looks like it’s– At, at the highest, it’s like 80 proof– 

Christine: Oh, okay, okay. 

Em: –so it’s on the level of like a moonshine or something. Um– 

Christine: Right, so it’s just a type of rum basically that they’re drinking. Okay. 

Em: Yeah. And it– Screech also now is like loosely used for all high content kinda cheaper rum, I think. 

Christine: Gotcha. Okay, okay. Interesting. 

Em: Um, so if you see Screech in stores– I know like New England also sells it and other parts of Canada. 

Christine: I’ve like never heard of that. 

Em: Apparently, it’s not specifically this Newfoundland Jamaican rum anymore. 

Christine: I see. 

Em: It’s, uh, you know, just– Just means high alcohol. 

Christine: Okay. It can mean kinda any– Okay. 

Em: Yeah. So back to these Screech-Ins, uh, this like ceremony that the, the locals will host. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: They’re– They do them a lot of times at, um, like, uh, local bars. Like there’s a, there’s a brewery that’s big on– in the town, and it’s called Dildo Brewery, by the way. 

Christine: [laughs] Of course. 

Em: And also the town also does like boat excursions for, for tourists, so they’ll do Screech-Ins sometimes on the boats. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: And it’s this initiation ceremony where native Newfoundlanders welcome tourists as honorary Newfoundlanders. 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: And it happens, uh– It starts with a– the leader of the ceremony– Master of Ceremonies, I think that’s what they’re called. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Uh, they’re– They run the Screech-In by wearing often like a yellow fisherman coat or like a fisherman hat. 

Christine: Ooh. 

Em: Like the classic one that you would see like Paddington wearing or something. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. Yes. 

Em: And he’s like supposed to be– 

Christine: Your– What do you call it? A Mack? 

Em: Something. I don’t know the right word. 

Christine: Okay. Anyway. 

Em: But he basically pokes fun, and he’s like kind of joking around with the whole crowd. That’s the whole thing is like he’s– 

Christine: He’s like– 

Em: –making jest with you, yeah. 

Christine: Right. The MC. 

Em: The MC, exactly. And sometimes he will also make visitors wear the same clothing, so they’ll have like a fisherman’s hat or a raincoat to put on. And first thing the leader will do is sometimes say like a, a poem that’s local to the town or tell a local story. Here is one of the common poems that they will tell the tourists at the beginning of the ceremony. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: “From the waters of the Avalon, to the shores of Labrador / We’ve always stuck together, with a rant and with a roar.” 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: “To those who’ve never been, soon they’ll understand / From coast to coast, we raise a toast, we love thee Newfoundland!” 

Christine: Aw-oh! That’s really nice. 

Em: And after this, a lot of the ceremonies will then have you eat a “Newfie Steak” – Newfoundland Steak – 

Christine: Newfie? 

Em: –which is a slice of bologna. It’s a slice of bologna. 

Christine: Wait, really? [laughs] 

Em: Um, and then sometimes also like– It’ll like bread or something. They– It’s just to like, “Oh, here’s some–“ I guess, local food? I should have done a deep dive of like what the hell Newfie Steak is. 

Christine: That’s so random. 

Em: Um, Oscar Meyer, weigh in? Again. 

Christine: [laughs] Mm-hmm. 

Em: So next to show gratitude to the fish and the fishing industries that built the town of Dildo, they bring out a actual frozen fish for you to kiss, but if you are– 

Christine: Kiss? 

Em: But if you’re too squeamish, they will also– they have a stuffed penguin, and you can kiss the stuffed penguin. Um– 

Christine: I wonder how many people actually kiss the fish. 

Em: I, I th– I think a lot of people. Um, I did a field trip– 

Christine: I guess– 

Em: –when I was in high school where we were like on a marsh for a weekend, and they had us all kiss a fish. 

Christine: Wait, really? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Interesting. 

Em: I refused to do it ’cause I was– 

Christine: Of course you did. ’Cause you’re– 

Em: –terrified. 

Christine: –smart. [laughs] 

Em: I also– I’m so scared of fish. 

Christine: I know you are. I know. 

Em: Um. But, uh, yeah, I would have been like, “Bring me the plushy penguin now.” [laughs] 

Christine: “Bring me the penguin.” [laughs] 

Em: Um, so after you then thank the fishing gods, I suppose, for bringing all this– 

Christine: For making out so well. 

Em: For, for doing so well with Dildo. 

Christine: Uh-huh. 

Em: Um, sometimes they’ll also make you stand barefoot in a bucket of saltwater or something. It’s kind of like just making like– It’s like baby– 

Christine: Little rituals. 

Em: –baby, baby hazing. 

Christine: Yeah. Yeah. 

Em: Like silly stuff that like everyone can laugh together with. Like, “Oh, now put your foot in the saltwater.” 

Christine: Some like tradition there, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s cute. 

Em: And then apparently, he always asks either, “Are you– Is you a Newfoundlander?” Or the more, um, slangy local way of saying it is, “Is ye a screecher?” 

Christine: [gasps] I love that. 

Em: And then you’re supposed to respond– I hope they have it like on a poster somewhere ’cause I would not be able to remember this. 

Christine: Oh no, it’s long? 

Em: It’s not long. It’s just in this like slang, this old slang. But I don’t know– 

Christine: Oh! Oh, what is it? 

Em: “Indeed I is, me ol’ cock! And long may yer big jib draw!” Which that– 

Christine: That’s very long! [laughs] I can’t remember that. 

Em: I certainly wouldn’t remember it. 

Christine: No. 

Em: Apparently, it means: “Yes, I am, and may your sails always catch wind.” 

Christine: That’s nice. 

Em: That’s lovely. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: So finally, then everyone takes a shot of Screech together, and visitors are then– Depending on the location you do this at, some places will give you a certificate for being an honorary Newfoundlander. 

Christine: Aw! [laughs] You know you and I would be like, “We’re waiting for the printer to work again, so we can– We’re not leaving without our certificate.” 

Em: [laughs] I’d feel like, “I came here specifically because Yelp told me I would get a certificate.” 

Christine: “I would get a certificate. This is very important.” 

Em: “Please don’t make me kiss another fish at another location–“ 

Christine: [laughs] No, please. 

Em: “–who will get a better review from me.” Yeah. 

Christine: I– I’d be like, “Em, here. I’ll handle this. Em is really scared of fish, and you made them kiss an actual dead fish or live fish.” I don’t even know. Live is worse. 

Em: It’s frozen. It’s usually frozen. 

Christine: Oh, it’s frozen. 

Em: And dead, yeah. 

Christine: Oh, okay, thank god. Uh, yeah. “So, um, let’s rethink this printer situation, shall we?” 

Em: I would slip him a $1 bill and be like, “I think you want what I’ve got here.” [laughs] 

Christine: I’d be like, “Hey, add your credit card to DoorDash. I’ll order you a new printer.” 

Em: [laughs] Um- 

Christine: “And here’s the dollar.” [laughs] 

Em: The last thing I’ll say about the town– Well, the second to last thing– Remember I told you eventually a cryptid shows up, but I just ca– 

Christine: I was gonna say, I, I’m– 

Em: I can’t stop. 

Christine: I’ve yet to be surprised once again by the Dildo Monster. 

Em: Well, in the town of Dildo, every summer, and usually it’s the last week of July, the town hosts a festival called Dildo Day– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Sure. 

Em: –or Dildo Days or– ‘Cause– Oh, it’s Dildo Days because sometimes it lasts several days. I mean, when you’ve got a good dildo, you gotta really– 

Christine: How could it not? Yeah, you get the most use out of it. 

Em: Sometimes you can’t stop. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs] You know. 

Em: Um, the fun just never ends with, with Dildo, you know. 

Christine: Yeah. That’s what they say. 

Em: That should be on a fucking shirt, I’ll tell you that. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] The fun never ends at Dildo. 

Em: Fun fact, in case anyone is listening: to all the Samanthas out there, uh, actual National Sex Toy Dildo Day is September 7, so have fun with that. 

Christine: Oh! [disappointed] We missed it. 

Em: Uh– [laughs] Well, for these Dildo Days, it is led by the town’s mascot. Because of course they got a mascot. 

Christine: Oh my god. 

Em: It is a statue in the classic yellow fisherman’s jacket. His name is, of course, Captain Dildo. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: Um, I have a picture for you of Captain Dildo– 

Christine: [laughs] Captain Dildo. 

Em: –because I was not gonna not show you a picture of Captain Dildo. 

Christine: I was wondering if like that could have been someone’s name way back in like the 17– 16– You know what I mean? 

Em: Honestly, it could have been, yeah. Um, so there’s Captain Dildo. I feel like I had– 

[photo of a worn painted statue of a white-bearded white man in front of a local shop. He wears a yellow fisherman’s jacket, tall black boots, and a black fisherman’s hat with a pipe in his mouth. He holds a sign that says “Captain Dildo”] 

Christine: Oh my gosh. [laughs] 

Em: And so this is one picture where he looks like actually better. 

Christine: I love him. 

Em: If you look up Captain Dildo, there’s two dildos– two captains. [laughs] Um– 

[photo of a different Captain Dildo statue shown from the torso up in front of the docks with the sea behind him. He is a white man with a white beard, smoking a pipe, wearing a yellow fisherman’s jacket, pants, and hat. “Capt. Dildo” is written across the front of his jacket] 

Christine: Whoa, Freudian slip. No, I’m kidding. [laughs] 

Em: But– So there’s two of them. One of them looks a little more worse of the wear, so I’m thinking he might be the original– 

Christine: Oh, he may have been– 

Em: –and then this is like a new one by the water. 

Christine: I gotcha. 

Em: Um, but apparently, I saw someone on Reddit say that they remember the day that the statue was installed, they used to– They were there for the day that the statue was installed. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: And he remembers townspeople calling it the “Captain Dildo’s erection.” Like– 

Christine: Stop. [laughs] 

Em: –being erected. [laughs] 

Christine: I mean, these people are geniuses. 

Em: I mean, it’s something else. 

Christine: [laughs] Captain Dildo’s erection. It’s really good. 

Em: [laughs] “Please don’t miss the erection! The big, the big dildo erection!” 

Christine: “The election?” “No, the erection!” 

Em: “Listen!” Yeah. 

Christine: “Are you not listening to me?” 

Em: Okay. So, uh, merchandise at Dildo Days, of course, has to be ten out of ten. 

Christine: Of course. 

Em: I– The shirts– I, I have already been on all of the gift shops of that town’s websites. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. 

Em: And I tell you, I know exactly what I want from every single one of them. 

Christine: Fantastic. 

Em: Um, and if we ever have, uh, honestly even like a Maine or like some sort of like New England show, I think I’m about to just take the ferry over to Dildo at this point. Like I can’t not have a shirt that says Dildo. 

Christine: I think I’m crashing your Dildo party. 

Em: Well, Dildo Days. See, now, we missed that too. 

Christine: Crashing your Dildo Days. Aw, man! 

Em: [sighs] But, um, one of the most popular things that people buy at Dildo Days is not dildos but is a shirt that says “I survived Dildo Days”. 

[laughs] 

Em: ’Cause it’s a wild ride. 

Christine: I want the shirt that says like “I didn’t survive” actually. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: It was a little too much for me. 

Em: I actually had to leave the group. I had to– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: I had to go home because Dildo Days was too intense. 

Christine: I couldn’t make it. I couldn’t make it. 

Em: Events at Dildo Days includes– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –a scavenger hunt, which I hope it’s X-rated, but I just– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –I know it’s not. 

Christine: You know it’s not. 

Em: ’Cause it seems like a family town, but I’d like– 

Christine: I know you want it to be. 

Em: I would like the, uh, the 20-somethings to, to throw their own secret scavenger hunt. 

Christine: I was gonna say – a secret one. Yeah. 

Em: I mean, imagine having a bachelorette party in Dildo. You have t– Come on. 

Christine: Now, come on. 

Em: Come on. Um, so there’s a scavenger hunt. There’s a teddy bear hunt, which I don’t know what that’s about, but okay. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: There’s bingo, which you and I would decimate. 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: There is a cold plate sale, which I think means like chicken salads and shit. 

Christine: I love that. 

Em: Um, there’s a bake sale. There’s an afternoon tea. There’s a quilt day. 

Christine: This is so wholesome for– 

Em: Fireworks. 

Christine: –for being called Dildo Days. [laughs] 

Em: I know. [laughs] Fireworks, and a fishing derby, which it– 

Christine: It literally sounds like they said, “Watch. Everyone’s gonna think we’re gonna do like dildo contests. Nope.” 

Em: I know. [laughs] 

Christine: “We’re gonna make it so wholesome that it’s confusing why it’s called Dildo Days.” 

Em: It’s like– It, it feels like everyone’s like old, sea shanty, Irish grandpa got together and just decided to– 

Christine: And said like, “the good ol’ days,” yeah. 

Em: Yeah. [laughs] 

Christine: We have our cold salad, and– 

Em: “Let’s play checkers on the deck. Come on.” 

Christine: Yeah. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] Um, and apparently, some other ones, which I thought were more intriguing to me– One event is called “Songs, Skits, and a Scoff”, which– 

Christine: Ooh! 

Em: –that just feels like a medieval jester named that and they never changed it. 

Christine: Sure, sure does. 

Em: More on par with how you and I think, uh, at Dildo Days, you can also expect cornhole - LOL. 

Christine: [gasps] Fun. 

Em: Wet– Wet ’n’ Wild Fun Day– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: – which was vaguely not detailed to me. 

Christine: I was gonna say. It’s a little too vague. I imagine a bunch of people are gonna show up and be very embarrassed. 

Em: It’s gonna be that Bachelorette Party. [high voice] “Wet n’ Wild Day at Dildo!” 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: And it’s– 

Christine: “Wet T-shirt contest!” [laughs] 

Em: LOL – also motorboating. 

[silence] 

Christine: Very funny. 

Em: I was gonna say – do you not know what motorboating is? Um– 

Christine: No, I do. I was trying to th– I was trying to figure out if you meant like– 

Em: E– Which one? [laughs] 

Christine: –actual motorboating. Yeah. [laughs] 

Em: It is actual motorboating, but you know the– 

Christine: But you mean like an actual boat. But like it’s a play on words. Got it. 

Em: There’s– But there’s gotta be a shirt that says “I motorboated at Wet n’ Wild Fun Day at– in Dildo.” There has to be. 

Christine: There– And then I’m gonna write “got”. So it’ll say “I got motorboated at Dildo Fun Day.” [laughs] 

Em: Oh, [laughs] what did I say? “I motorboated”? 

Christine: Yeah, but that one would make more sense ’cause like if you were driving a motorboat, it’s like, “Oh, no, I motorboated–“ Yeah. 

Em: Mm, mm-hmm. 

Christine: And I’m gonna be the one that says “I got motorboated.” It’ll be great. 

Em: And then the final event at Dildo Days is, uh, church, of course. Um– 

Christine: Is church? [laughs] They’re like, “We’ve sinned actually.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “We need to fix that.” 

Em: Okay, the last fun fact I’m going to tell you about, uh, is that Jimmy Kimmel got wind of this town obviously. 

Christine: Of course he did. 

Em: And he had the town council on his show to ask them about Dildo. 

Christine: No. 

Em: And he then asked, “Oh, like do you have a mayor?” And they said no. This set off quite a like five series bit on his show where he began– 

Christine: I feel that I remember this very vaguely. 

Em: He began his mayoral campaign, opposed– or, uh, uh, against nobody. It was just him. 

Christine: Running unopposed, right. 

Em: Running unopposed. Um, ABC apparently spent like $100,000 to campaign in Dildo. 

Christine: Stop. 

Em: And I’m assuming that money like went to Dil-Dildo and like help their tourism or something like that. 

Christine: I hope so. 

Em: I mean, being on the show five times in a row was certainly tourism enough for them. 

Christine: Yeah, that’s true. 

Em: Um, anyway, it became like a weird viral bit for Jimmy Kimmel stans where they watched him campaigning in Dildo. 

Christine: Whoa. [laughs] 

Em: Um, and there was a lot of shirts that said, “Dildos for Jimmy”. Uh, it said– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Uh, it said, “Jimmy hearts Dildo.” 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: And basically there were signs all over the town that said “Jimmy hearts Dildo”. 

Christine: Wow. 

Em: And he even pitched a merch that said, “There’s a little Dildo in all of us.” 

Christine: Come on. That’s really good. 

Em: At some point, Matt Damon got involved– 

Christine: He would. 

Em: –and he was also campaigning to be a mayor there. Um– 

Christine: Wow. 

Em: He did not, uh, end up on top of the dildo. Hm. 

Christine: Haha. 

Em: Um, but the town took it very seriously. They went back on the show a few times, and ultimately, they– I think they actually did a Screech-In on the show– 

Christine: [gasps] Cute. 

Em: –uh, with his, his assistant– I always forget what his name is. 

Christine: Uh, G– Uh, G-g-g– 

Em: Yes, that guy. 

Christine: G-Guillermo. 

Em: Guillermo. Um, and ultimately, they made Jimmy the first honorary mayor. There had never been a mayor in Dildo. 

Christine: Wow, so they actually did it. That’s– Wow. 

Em: So not only is he the first honorary mayor, but the local brewery, Dildo Brewery– they made a beer after him called the Kim-ale. Kimmel. Kim-ale. 

Christine: Cute, cute. 

Em: Um, they– What else? Oh, because they were on the Jimmy Kimmel show, one of the residents wrote a song about Dildo and then got to perform it on the Jimmy K– Jimmy Kimmel show. 

Christine: Cute. 

Em: And it was a song about Dildo where, um, half the lyrics are him basically doing like “L is for the way you look at me, O is–“ 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: So he– But he did Dildo. D stands for dignity. I– 

Christine: [laughs] Wow. 

Em: Wasted opportunity to say “dick-nity”. 

Christine: Yeah, bummer. 

Em: Um, I– Then– I’m gonna skip I first. but L was liberty. The D– the other D is days of old, and O is the thing that finishes out the whole word, so we can all say Dildo. And I – innocent child. [laughs] In Dildo. 

Christine: What? 

Em: Doesn’t that feel weird? I feel like if I looked over the lyrics about Dildo, and then innocent child was one of the five phrases I used, I’d change it to like integrity or intelligence. 

Christine: Hm. What are some other I words? Yeah. 

Em: Individuality. 

Christine: So what about innocence? You don’t have to specify kids. 

Em: [laughs] They said like the innocent childs, uh, who should never be ashamed or something. That was the, the lyric, I think, but I was just like– That’s– I would have done a run over on that. I would have– 

Christine: Yeah, just a quick like red lining. 

Em: A quick scan. [laughs] 

Christine: What– So what’s the O? I was confused about the O. 

Em: Oh, the O is– It just says like “and O finishes it” basically. 

Christine: Oh, oh, okay, okay. I thought you were saying that– And I was– 

Em: LOL. They should have said O like orgasm. “O finishes it.” 

Christine: Org– Yeah, right. Maybe that is what they’re saying. 

Em: No, it’s, it’s something– I don’t remember– I don’t have the lyrics in front of me. 

Christine: Not with innocent child. Certainly not with innocent child. That is true. Uh– 

Em: [laughs] It’s like, it’s like, “and O rounds it out” basically is what the, the lyrics. 

Christine: Oh, okay. “Rounds it out” – that’s cute. 

Em: O rounds it out. I’m, I’m paraphrasing. You keep give– you keep giving me compliments on what I’m saying. That’s, that’s not the actual lyrics, but, uh– 

Christine: Your version’s better. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] Thank you. See, all he needed was one writer’s room session with me, and I would have said, “innocent child – out. But there’s a lot I have to say about the O. The big O.” 

Christine: Innocent child – it makes us feel very weird. The Big O is, is in. 

Em: [laughs] Um, so anyway because, uh, they were on Jimmy’s show and because like now the brewery’s named after Jimmy– There were posters everywhere. There was merch. Still if you go online, you will find– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –if you look up “Dildo merch”, it will be Jimmy’s face. Um, and a lot of it actually, by the way, is from–If it’s not a, a Jimmy Kimmel merch, most of the Dildo Brewery merch you’ll see– Or, most of the Dildo merch you’ll see online is from Dildo Brewery, so, of course, I got you pajama pants– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –from Dildo Brewery that say Dildo on them. 

Christine: You did not. 

Em: Of course I did. I wouldn’t– What am I? An idiot? 

Christine: I’m so happy. I am– [laughs] I’m so happy right now. 

Em: [laughs] Uh, so just– 

Christine: Imagine I get like a, like a, an email saying like, from FedEx, like, “Your package is on– the– Your package from like Dildo is on the way”– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: – and Blaise would be like, “What are you ordering?” 

Em: No, it’s, um, it says Dildo Brewery in case anyone sees you wearing something that says dildo, but I got you pajama pants ’cause I was like just in case you don’t want to wear the word dildo outside. 

Christine: That is– I do, thank you. 

Em: Okay, well then I should have gotten you the shirt. But– 

Christine: No, no, I love it. I’m gonna wear my pajama pants outside. 

Em: Speaking of innocent child, they also had children’s shirts that said Dildo Brewery, which I get is a location name, but it still feels weird as an outsider. 

Christine: It feels, feels like at school they would not allow that. 

Em: yeah. Um, well so, anyway go check out that Dildo song on YouTube if you’d like, and the l– uh, the next thing I’m gonna say is that Jimmy Kimmel actually, uh, honorarily, uh, named Dildo a sister city to Hollywood. 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: And because he did that on the show, I– ABC must have paid for this, but they say Jimmy Kimmel sent the town of Dildo, um– like how we have Hollywood as a, as a sign. 

Christine: Yes? 

Em: They installed a Hollywood sign in the hills that says Dildo, which– 

Christine: That’s fun. 

Em: –wasted opportunity to not have “wood” at the end of it like Hollywood – “Dildowood”. 

Christine: “Dildowood” is good, yeah. 

Em: That’d– Um, but so– 

Christine: That could be the yearly prank– the high s– senior prank every year. 

Em: That should be! 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Um, I have a picture of that for you also, so here is the sign of Dildo. 

Christine: Oh my gosh. I would love to see it. 

Em: Uh, here you go. 

Christine: Sister city to Hollywood is– [photo of large white letters, similar to the Hollywood sign style, spelling “DILDO” and set in wooded hills above the town] Oh my god. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: It's honestly better than I could have imagined. It’s, it’s very– ’Cause it looks so classic. 

Em: I know. I know. 

Christine: Wow, that’s great. 

Em: And it lights up at night and everything just like the real Hollywood sign. 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: Uh, but, uh, but anyway. So that is, uh, that’s the history of Dildo. I gotta tell you, of all the stores, I really need to go to Nan and Pop’s Dildo Souvenir Shop where they have a shirt– 

Christine: [laughs] Nan and Pop! 

Em: They have a shirt with like a really innocent childlike, uh, smiley face that says, “I got my Dildo souvenir.” [laughs] 

Christine: Wow. Wow! It’s like half the time I think they’re playing into the joke and half the time I’m like, “no, they’re not playing in–“ You know what I mean? I can’t figure it out. 

Em: I really, I really can’t tell because I will say, for those wondering, you cannot buy a dildo in Dildo. Wasted opportunity yet again. 

Christine: Nowhere? Not even like– There’s probably like an underground dealer, right? 

Em: There’s gotta be someone with one of those trench coats full of dildos. 

Christine: [laughs] yes, there’s gotta be. 

Em: But I mean– No, it– I mean, this really is like– 

Christine: What if they did but they were all just the pegs for that boat? 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: He’s like, “Oh, I thought you meant like the ones for the boat. Okay.” 

Em: “Actually, it’s just a bunch of Liquid Death in my jacket. I don’t–“ 

Christine: [laughs] Honestly, then I’ll pay for it. That sounds good. 

Em: It, um– Yeah, well, I mean, the town really is like 1,200 people. They’re all just like fishermen. Like it’s– 

Christine: Right. 

Em: When, when you go, the coolest thing you can do there is probably get a picture with that sign and go to the brewery. Like I– It, it has like two gift shops. It’s a very small town, like it– 

Christine: Very quaint and small. Right. 

Em: They’re not taking advantage of this dildo situation. 

Christine: Right, right. 

Em: Like it’s– 

Christine: Which is kind of better almost. I feel like it makes it more pure, you know? Like it just feels– 

Em: They literally– 

Christine: –more wholesome. 

Em: By the way, they had a, a scandal a few years ago where a sex toy company literally went and took like, like promotional content in Dildo. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: And then like the town of Dildo was like, “We hate that. Don’t do it.” So– 

Christine: You can’t do that. 

Em: Well, I think they were just like in Dildo, and they were just– 

Christine: Oh, I guess you can do that. Yeah. 

Em: And they’re just like, “We’re in Dildo, and here are our sex products.” 

Christine: I thought they were gonna like use like the imagery of the like Captain Dildo or something. But– 

Em: No, I think they were standing by like a– one of the, the road signs that said “this way to Dildo” or something. Um– 

Christine: I mean, that’s pretty good marketing. I gotta be honest. Like if you saw that and you made sex toys you’d be like, “I have to take this picture.” 

Em: I– Yeah, I don’t, I don’t totally blame the person for trying. Uh– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: I’d be like, “Well, if I sell dildos and I live near Dildo, I’m obviously going to do something about that.” 

Christine: Makes total sense. 

Em: but then they ended up like saying she couldn’t do that, so I don’t– 

Christine: Hmm. 

Em: They’re very, um, prim and proper, I think. 

Christine: Yeah, I see. 

Em: So I would– If it were me– If I were the actual– If I were Jimmy Kimmel and the true mayor of Dildo, I’d be like, “Alright. Sex shop, let’s go. I know it’s like so not what you want, but think about the economy.” [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah, you would just like– You would gentrify it is what you’re saying but in the weirdest way– the weirdest, most specific way. You’re just gonna move in. 

Em: And with no consent, I suppose. I– 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. You’re just gonna push everyone out and buil-build a giant sex warehouse. 

Em: It, it would just be a– like a “trust me” situation. I’d be like “how about we just try this for a year? And if I’m wrong, we take it down. How about that?” 

Christine: And all the ladies quilting in church are gonna really love it. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah, I think you’re right. I think you got s– You’re onto something. 

Em: I would just be the villain of Dildo for like a– like one y– one calendar year. 

Christine: I think just even what you just said made you the villain of Dildo. If anyone gets wind of this, you are going to be enemy number one. 

Em: I would bow out. I, like I, I would shake hands on good faith. I’ll bow out if I’m wrong in a year. 

Christine: Alright. 

Em: But I just, I just– Let me just send you the business plan. You just tell me what you think. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: What if I just send you some projections– 

Christine: And it’s glossy. Take a look. 

Em: And it’s glossy, and it says that we’re gonna “bomp-bomp-bomp”. You know, like this town is gonna grow, baby. I don’t know. We’ll see. 

Christine: It seems like we need to find a new angle ’cause that doesn’t seem to be their goal. But– 

Em: [laughs] They don’t seem to care. They are very happy with their very small town, which is lovely. 

Christine: I think, I think they kinda– I think I kinda like how they’re just in their own little space. 

Em: I think with my, um– I, I feel like I could– Like there’s just so many, uh, sideway– There’s so, there’s so many like creative things you could do, and I’m just like, “How could you not even wanna think about it for a second?” But I also get what they– like they probably just want to keep their town as it is. So– 

Christine: I’m sure there’s probably a little pocket of people who make it kinda fun. 

Em: I like to think at like at the local bar they just have like a, like a piece of paper that locals come in, just write their ideas down in case pe– anyone changes their mind. 

Christine: You just get it out of your system. You know what I mean? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: You have a pint, and you get it out of your system. 

Em: Yeah, and they’re like, “Build a shop! Ahhh!” And then they just kinda scream it out, and they’re like, “Okay.” 

Christine: “Giant dildo! Ahhh!” 

Em: Yeah. [laughs] So, uh, during their appearance– Oh, the song– Blah-blah-blah. Okay, so now on to the actual Dildo Monster. The story is pretty short, so I’m glad I gave you most of the– 

Christine: Jeez! Yeah, the Dildo Monster! Oh my god, he’s back. 

Em: So all of this– 

Christine: Ahh! Dildo Monster! Was that something somebody put in the suggestion box? 

Em: [laughs] Like at the very least, on Halloween, someone should dress up as a massive fucking dildo. At the very least for a Dildo Monster. Come on! 

Christine: Yeah. I mean, listen. I, I would be into it. I think, um, I would not want to explain to any children what that is, but, you know, if, if someone else would– 

Em: Again, this is, this is like the underground. I’m pretending children don’t exist in this narrative. 

Christine: Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, then, then let’s do it. 

Em: I hear what you heard, and now that’s awful. No– [laughs] 

Christine: So only in your, only in your sex warehouse that you’re going to build and, uh, displace all the local residents – only for a year though. Um, so in there we can wear the dildo costume. [laughs] Okay. 

Em: You know, you’re, you’re onto it, yeah. You– Like– Again, thank god I don’t actually have the, the, the urge or the power or the ability to do any of this. 

Christine: The– [laughs] 

Em: But in my brain, if– Let’s put it this way. If someone were to– If Dildo were to go away, and– but the town name stuck, and I could go play Sims in that area and just build my own land, it would be oddly weird. It would be– 

Christine: Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. 

Em: It would live up to the Dildo name. 

Christine: This feels- Yeah, it feels like for a minute there, you’re going into like the X-rated version of The Lorax – 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: –where you kind of just decide like th– “Actually, this is gonna really m-monetarily benefit me, um–“ 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “–I’m gonna put dildos everywhere. [laughs] You’ve really laid a good foundation for me, thank you. Time to go.” [laughs] 

Em: Yeah, I, I never said, I never said this hypothetical was ethical. Let’s be clear. 

Christine: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Certainly not. 

Em: Um– [laughs] Never claimed that. Um– 

Christine: Hypothetical– Ethical hypotheticals are no fun. 

Em: No. No, no, no, no, no. No, when we’re playing pretend, we’re going all out. Um– 

Christine: When we’re playing Roller Coaster Tycoon, people are getting launched off of that. 

Em: [laughs] Buckle up or get lost. Get– Stick it, stuck behind. 

Christine: Or get thrown into the parking lot. 

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Em: So okay. The reason I say that this story is very short is because literally one half page article in a newspaper is the only source we’ve got pretty much. 

Christine: Really? 

Em: There’s, um, there’s a few books on it, like, uh, that people have kind of done deeper dives into. But if you’re looking for like a proper source, like a direct source, there’s only one newspaper article. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, so the town of Dildo has a cryptid in its “midsts”– m– [over-enunciated] midst. 

Christine: In its what? [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] And this is the Monster of Dildo Pond, or I lovingly call it the Dildo Monster. 

Christine: Of course. As you should. 

Em: Which, I’m sorry, children, but Halloween happened yesterday. I got monsters on the brain. Dildo Monster would be crazy. Um– 

Christine: That would win some sort of costume contest. 

Em: Certainly. Again– 

Christine: Or perhaps get you disqualified. It really depends on the context of the contest. 

Em: Or, uh, kicked out of the entire town, just exiled. 

Christine: Yeah, just exiled. 

Em: So the story’s main source comes from an article i– from 1950. And this paper tried to name the cryptid “the Dildo-sus.” Dil– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Maybe it was– Maybe if quickly, it’s supposed to sound like “dildosus” [pronounced “dil-duh-sis”]. Dildo-sus. 

Christine: Or what about dildosus [pronounced “dil-doe-sis”]? 

Em: It was “dildo” slash S-U-S. 

Christine: Like slash or like a hyphen? 

Em: Sorry, dash S-U-S. 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: Dildo-sus [pronounced “dil-doe-sus”]. Dildo-sus [pronounced “dil-doe-sis”]? 

Christine: That’s weird. That’s weird, yeah. Dildo-sus [pronounced “dil-doe-sus”]. 

Em: Well, it obviously didn’t fucking stick– ‘ 

Christine: Yeah, right? [laughs] 

Em: Because people now know it as the Monster of Dildo Pond. They were like, “Let’s regroup.” 

Christine: Who– What were you thinking? [laughs] 

Em: In the 1950s, uh, Dildo claimed their cryptid was bigger and a– more, uh– a higher chance of being real compared to other Canadian cryptids. So people come out at Dildo with a lot of, um, a lot of smack talk about– 

Christine: Came out swinging, yeah. 

Em: Yeah. They said, “Oh, Ogopogo? I don’t fucking think so.” 

Christine: [laughs] Fuck off. 

Em: [laughs] Uh– 

Christine: I love that like a town named Dildo is like, “We’re the biggest. We’re the baddest.” It’s like, “Whoa. Relax. You’ve already got your thing.” 

Em: [laughs] It’s like, “Okay, stop shoving it down my throat, Dildo.” 

Christine: [laughs] Yeah. 

Em: You know? 

Christine: Ooh my god, that was good. 

Em: So in the 1890s, this is the first time that we’ve– there was ever a witness to this monster. And it was this guy who was new to town. His name was Neilson. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: He was the first person to see this monster. H– Let’s talk about Neilson for a second. His hobbies include crossbreeding fish eggs and having a group of pet ducks that followed him around. 

Christine: [laughs] Honestly, half of that I can really relate. 

Em: I know. I love crossbreeding fish eggs. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So one day, he heard his ducks freaking out near Dildo Pond and saw a large black fish coming at them as they were sitting on land. 

Christine: Well, he should stop crossbreeding these things. He’s creating a monster. 

Em: Hold that thought. Uh, he– So he saw this large black fish showing up out of nowhere and approaching the bank. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Uh, when it got near the surface – and it was big enough that Neilson saw this thing, and the ducks saw it, for sure – everyone ran. The ducks ran. Neilson ran. And when I say ran, like Neilson literally left town. He was like, “I just moved here. This is one of the first things–“ 

Christine: [laughs] He ran out of town? Wait, did he bring the ducks? 

Em: He– I don’t– We never h-hear about the ducks again– 

Christine: Noo! 

Em: –so I’m hoping so. But he– I, I love that he was new to town. He just put his like suitcase down. He saw one thing he didn’t like, and he was like, “Red flag immediately. Let’s leave.” 

Christine: I feel like his ducks– He’s like, “Go play outside,” and the ducks were like, “There’s a scary thing.” And he’s like, “We’re all out. Bye. We tried it.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “I sent you out on your way. You’re not safe here, ducks.” 

Em: Apparently, as he left town, he warned others of what he just saw in Dildo Pond, and he was like, “I’m outta here. Fucking–“ 

Christine: “Where are you going?” Yeah. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] He’s like, “I don’t know.” 

Christine: “You’ll never believe what I saw.” 

Em: But he was like, “It was scary enough that I would rather just re-uproot right away.” 

Christine: Wow. Okay. 

Em: After that, the monster only gets seen every now and then by people who spend time near the pond. Basically, in the 1930s through the 1950s, that’s when most people saw this thing. One guy saw the fish– Uh, everyone seems to see this fish when it’s like just swimming up to the bank and then swimming away. That’s kind of the whole thing. It’s like oh! It approaches, and then it leaves. Like any other fucking fish, you know? 

Christine: Hmm. 

Em: So– But everyone’s really freaked out, I think, by its size. Anyway, so, um, where were we? This– Oh, yeah. So one guy saw the fish and claimed it was as big as a rowboat, and– 

Christine: [laughs] Okay. 

Em: But, but nobody believed him when he went to go tell people because he was old. 

Christine: Oh, well, that’s not nice. 

Em: They were like, “Okay, Grandpa,” you know? It was like– 

Christine: What do you mean because you’re old? That, that’s not nice. 

Em: They’re like, “You obviously senile if you saw a fish as big as a boat.” And I’m like, “Has nobody seen a fish as big as the boat?” But okay. 

Christine: Rude. 

Em: Um, another time, two guys saw it together, but people didn’t believe them because they thought they were fucked up on Screech. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: And then a-another witness was by the pond when he heard splashing in the water. He looks around, and he sees the monster. And it’s reported that so far, of these witnesses, they quote, “didn’t like the gleam in its watery eyes,” and they thought it quote, “had a hungry look in its eyes.” So they’re already thinking, “This fucker’s gonna eat me.” That’s like what they’re scared of. 

Christine: Oh my lord. 

Em: They desc– 

Christine: The Dildo Monster. I mean, yeah, you’d– 

Em: The, the dildo’s gonna getcha, I’ll tell ya 

Christine: I was gonna say, I– 

Em: If you’re not careful, she, she’s gonna root around. 

Christine: Didn’t we talk about this before? I’m having a very weird flashback. Did we talk about this with like Two Girls, One Ghost or something? 

Em: That feels like something we would do. 

Christine: Or Wine & Crime. Like I feel– 

Em: Or no, Wine & Crime. It feels like a Wine & Crime conversation. [laughs] 

Christine: Doesn’t it? Like I feel this weird tickle in the back of my brain that’s like– 

Em: Mm? 

Christine: –“Hey, remember–“ 

Em: The Dildo Monster’s rooting up in there, getting inside you? 

Christine: Yeah, I think he’s back there. I really do, but I could be wrong. But if anybody has heard that, let me know. I’m curious if I’m just having a weird like deja vu [laughs] which I would probably have about the D– the Dildo Monster. [laughs] 

Em: Sometimes y– the dildo’s on the brain. I get it. 

Christine: I guess so. 

Em: So they described the monster, all these people collectively. It turns out the monster had big bulging eyes, uh, had a barrel-sized body, a slimmer neck – slimmer than its head. But the neck and head combined was like eight feet long. 

Christine: Oh, Jesus! 

Em: So it feels like a, like a Nessie. Like a Nessie kind of thing. 

Christine: Yes, it does. 

Em: Um, and the head was the shape of an eel. They also said that the tail looked like the back of an airplane, which I did look up what an airplane looked like in the ‘40s and ’50s for you. 

Christine: Great idea. 

Em: Because I was like, “I don’t– Maybe I don’t know what that looks like.” I mean, it looks like a fucking– 

Christine: I think I know what you mean like with the– 

[black-and-white photo of an older plane in the sky. The edges, cockpit, and tail are more rounded than modern planes] 

Em: It looks like an older version of a plane, but it’s pretty much the same. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: But it has like more of a rounded tip. You know how dildos are. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] Oh, I see. I see. 

Em: So it looks like it’s a– That would be the tail of it. 

Christine: That’s a scary plane. That plane looks like it’s about to crash into the ground. I don’t– I don’t like to– 

Em: It looks like it’s missing its nose. Like it’s missing a– 

Christine: Yeah, it does. It does. I don’t like to look at this anymore. Goodbye. 

Em: [laughs] Um, anyway, so that’s what the t– 

Christine: Now I’m scared of the Dildo Monster apparently, by the way, is what I’ve learned about myself. 

Em: And planes. 

Christine: [laughs] And– Well, I already knew that. [laughs] 

Em: But– So think about this: between the neck and the head, it’s eight feet long. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: That’s much bigger than a fucking rowboat. So– 

Christine: That’s gigantic. 

Em: And then if the tail looks like the back of an airplane, which in the ‘50s I think I don’t know how many people actually knew what airplanes looked like. ’Cause in my mind, not, not everybody had that frame of reference. So– 

Christine: I imagine that you’d see it in a newspaper though and like– 

Em: Oh, that’s true. 

Christine: I mean, they had like images. 

Em: Well, because this thing was always in the water, nobody was ever sure of what the full body of this thing looked like. They didn’t know if under the surface there were additional limbs or fins that they hadn’t seen. 

Christine: Horrifying. 

Em: And so they never knew how this thing actually moved, which, um comes into play later. So– 

Christine: I mean, to this day, no one knows how an airplane moves, so I don’t know if they’ll ever figure it out, but. 

Em: I certainly, to this day, don’t know how a snake moves. I don’t get it. And I don’t really want to learn either. 

Christine: And I don’t want anyone to explain it to us either. 

Em: Yeah, nobody tell me. I’m fine with– 

Christine: To be clear, I’d rather not know. [laughs] 

Em: It won’t make me like them more, I’ll tell you that. It actually–I’ll hate them more. So– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: God, I feel so bad. I ran into someone who was a listener, and she was obviously a snake person. And she was like– 

Christine: “She was obviously a snake person.” You could just tell. 

Em: Well, she was like, “Let me show you a picture of my snake.” 

Christine: [laughs] No! 

Em: And I was like, “Have you not listened to the show? Like this is not gonna work out.” 

Christine: I love that people– But it’s so funny. I do that too with podcasts where I’m like– I just do selective hearing where I’m like, “Well that’s not–: Like, “I’m just gonna pretend you didn’t say that.” 

Em: It’s like, “Well, you haven’t seen my snake.” 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Em: And I'm like, “I promise you.” 

Christine: “I promise you.” 

Em: “I promise you I don’t know the difference.” 

Christine: It’s so funny. 

Em: And it’s like– 

Christine: I love that they still listen though. They’re like, “I don’t care. I’m still gonna show you a picture of it.” 

Em: II know that the snake person is married to a rat person, and both of them think I’d fucking love their snake and rat. 

Christine: [laughs] I love a rat person. I love a rat person. 

Em: Uh! So, um, okay. They– Yeah, so it’s– It, at one point, was the size of a rowboat, but as the story is going on, it’s getting bigger, right? Like now it’s like– Just at the shoulders, it’s eight feet. 

Christine: Right, now its neck is the size of a rowboat. 

Em: Um, and the tail is the size of– or not the size, but it looks like the back of an airplane. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: At this point now, we’ve got this guy, Norman, who shows up, and he sees it three different times. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, he says the first time, it was just swimming on the water’s surface, and he saw it swimming around. The second time, he saw it swimming around, and he like called his like employees over because he was like, “I s– This is the thing I was fucking telling you about.” 

Christine: Somebody has to witness, yeah. 

Em: Yeah. “Someone come look at this with me ’cause I, I don’t want to be called ‘crazy’ in the break room again.” 

Christine: Yeah. Rude. 

Em: And it apparently was swimming and then did the thing where like– You know when fish like turn around, and then they like go back under the water? There’s like a little splash. 

Christine: Like a little pl– plop? Yeah. 

Em: Like a “ploop”! Like a– [makes quiet popping sounds by flicking their cheek with their mouth open] 

Christine: Beautiful. 

Em: Man. Hang on, how do I do it? Hang on. [repeats actions with quiet popping] I can’t do it. Okay– 

Christine: You’re doing it great. I’m impressed. 

Em: Thank you. um, so anyway, I think that’s what was supposed to be happening with this thing. But because the fish was so big, it didn’t just like make a little “bloop”, it actually– Apparently, the water started bubbling foam, and the logs that were in the water were tossed like matchsticks. So now this thing’s like Godzilla-sized, it sounds like. 

Christine: Jesu– What the fuck is it doing? 

Em: Um, and then the third time he saw it, it swam up to the bank, and then it immediately went underwater and swam away. So ev– again, every single time someone’s seeing this, it’s just swimming. Like this is like the most fucking stoned out cryptid I’ve ever heard of. 

Christine: Like benign cryptid, yeah. 

Em: Like he’s not doing anything, yeah. 

Christine: And then they’re like, “Well, it’s the biggest.” Like okay, congratulations. 

Em: [laughs] It’s like, “We get it. Your name’s Dildo. Everything– Size matters. Okay.” 

Christine: [laughs] Yeah. 

Em: Um, so– By the way, I just realized how loud I’m shouting “dildo” while Allison’s on a work call. Um, anyway– 

Christine: Listen, that’s her own problem. She saw the notes. She could’ve asked. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] She should’ve been like, “I need to move a meeting now.” 

Christine: Yeah. [laughs] 

Em: Um, so around the same time– 

Christine: “I actually– I just– I’m gonna quit actually.” 

Em: [laughs] Around the same time– 

Christine: “It’s gone on long enough.” 

Em: –a, a group of multiple people saw this thing all at once, and then a cab driver also saw it as it was driving past the water– as he was driving past the water. And by 1950, there are 15 people willing to literally sign affidavits with a magistrate that they saw this thing. 

Christine: 15 people? That’s a lot. 

Em: And– Well, once it was that many people– I think the town up until this point was like trying to not– 

Christine: Make it a thing. 

Em: I mean, they were like, “Oh, that guy’s old. Oh, that’s guy’s like just drunk. Oh, this guy blah-blah-blah.” 

Christine: Right, “don’t listen to him.” 

Em: “Oh, let’s make fun of this guy in the breakroom.” And now– like when 15 people are like, “I will literally go to the courthouse right fucking now and sign something,” that was when people started waking up, and they’re like, “Oh, shit. Maybe we have a monster.” 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: And especially as the descriptions keep growing and this thing keeps getting bigger, and now this fish is over 50 feet long, according to the legends. 

Christine: 50 feet? Jesus. Okay. 

Em: Instead of like six feet. It’s like grown like ten times its size. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And, uh, some people don’t know if like, oh, that’s– in the game of telephone, people are elaborating, and it’s getting crazier– 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: –or what if it is 50 feet long, and it’s been growing all these years? 

Christine: That’s what I’n saying. It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s growing. It was a baby. 

Em: Some– So some people think it must just be getting bigger, which makes sense because during the first sighting of this monster, the– the pond was full of salmon and trout, and by this time, there’s like no more salmon and trout. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: Like it’s– 

Christine: And it’s not because of overfishing? 

Em: No, [laughs] apparently not. 

Christine: [laughs] I mean, it’s a fishing town. 

Em: And so they were like, “Uh, okay. Maybe this thing ate all the fish, and that’s why it’s growing so big.” 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: And that’s when they started thinking, “What happens if it runs out of food in the water?” 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: My thought would have been, “Oh, it dies because it can’t eat anymore.” But they thought, “Obviously, it’s gonna grow legs–“ 

Christine: I’m with them. 

Em: “–climb out of the water, and eat the cattle and then us.” because– 

Christine: Or it’s just like the next time someone’s on a fishing boat, it’s gonna be like, “Ooh, food.” 

Em: Yeah, like Jaws, yeah. 

Christine: Sna-snatch ya. 

Em: Especially because since nobody knew what the monster’s full body looked like, they didn’t know if it had legs. It could– It might already be able to get out of the water. 

Christine: I was gonna say, it could just propel itself out. Maybe it has wings. Who the fuck knows? 

Em: Yeah. So they, they were very afraid that the monster was either going to learn how to walk on land or already could and would come after the visitors to the pond. 

Christine: Jeez. 

Em: So officially in town, as of 1950, children were not allowed to go outside at night unattended, and they could never be near the water. Because, as the article states, the townspeople feared that the monster was, quote, “ruminating on the digestibility of chubby little Newfoundlanders.” 

Christine: Oh my god! 

Em: [laughs] It’s like he just– 

Christine: So flowery. 

Em: He’s just looking at you from the water going, “That’s a fat one. I’m gonna do it.” [laughs] 

Christine: “Watch, I’m gonna– F-Finally. Waiting all day.” 

Em: Now, one theory is that it was a giant squid because in the 1930s, one time a giant squid washed up on shore. 

Christine: Here? 

Em: Um, in, in– 

Christine: Like there, I mean? 

Em: In this area, yeah. 

Christine: Oh, wow. Okay. 

Em: And so they were like, “Oh, well since there’s giant squid in the area, maybe this is squid related.” 

Christine: Yeah, it could be. 

Em: Um, 30 years later, another squid– giant squid washed up on shore and that like almost conf– like they doubled down. They’re like, “Okay, maybe it’s definitely a giant squid.” So but like– One time in the 1930s, one time in the 1960s, and that was enough to like solidify a theory for some people. 

Christine: Huh. 

Em: But how it got there is like such a mystery that mainly people think– Well, not mainly, but one of the major theories is that when it was a little tiny fish, it either came in through, uh, like a brook or an inlet from the sea or through a tunnel– 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: –and then it ate all their fucking salmon and trout and got too fat that it can’t leave now. So it’s stuck in there. 

Christine: Oh no! 

Em: But the other one that people really get a kick out of– If you recall the very first thing you said when I started telling you about this monster, they think that Neilson is responsible because he was cross breeding fish eggs. 

Christine: [gasps] Oh, right. 

Em: And he accidentally Dr. Frankenstein-ed a monster. 

Christine: No. 

Em: And that’s why he fucking left town ’cause he realized what he’d done. 

Christine: [gasps] And he’s like, “Ducks, you’re on your own.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: I can’t stop thinking about this. 

Em: “Duck, duck, fuck – get out of here. Let’s–“ [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] “Duck, duck, get the hell out of here.” 

Em: “I am gone.” Um– 

Christine: Wow. 

Em: And so he either– 

Christine: “Duck, duck, genetically modified Dildo Monster.” [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] “Duck, duck, Dildo.” Yeah. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] Oh, that’s good! “Duck, duck, Dildo.” 

Em: He either– So he either accidentally made this creature, realized what he’d done, and left town before it got too big, or just in case he did create a monster from his crossbreeding and he like got– he panicked about it, he told locals that he saw something, even though he didn’t, to preemptively warn them about what they would see one day in the water, that something is there. 

Christine: Ohh. They’re like– He’s like, “This is your future. Good luck!” 

Em: He’s like, he’s like, “Something’s there. I’m telling you now.” [makes sound effect of something moving fast] Bew! “Duck, duck, dip.” 

Christine: “I… didn’t do it.” [laughs] 

Em: So we don’t know if that even has anything– It’s just like a fun theory of like, “Oh, Dr. Frankenstein’s scared of his own monster.” 

Christine: Right, right, right. 

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Em: Now, so that’s the end of it. I do want to say technically, even though this is the Dildo Pond Monster, most of the encounters seem to be in a town actually called Blaketown, which is south of Dildo. 

Christine: Blaketown? 

Em: Blaketown [pronounced “Blake-ton”]. Blaketown [pronounced “Blake-town”]? Um, but they have a population of 250 people, which is not a lot, and then all 15 people willing to sign affidavits were from that town. And the– I don’t know if you were keeping track, but the witnesses I told you about in the story? 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: There were only in total 12 people. So the fact that there were 15 from one town willing to sign an affidavit means that there were– are more stories than we’re even aware of that have never been documented. 

Christine: Oh, I see. Yeah. 

Em: And it sounds like a majority of them were from Blaketown. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: So this might actually be the, the Blaketown Monster, but we don’t know. 

Christine: But the la– Is the lake called Lake Dildo though? 

Em: It’s Dildo Pond, yeah. 

Christine: Or Dildo Pond. Okay, okay, so that’s why it’s probably– 

Em: But it’s just on the southern tip of it, where on the other side is Dildo. 

Christine: Right. Okay. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. 

Em: So– But it’s– I mean, it’s still technically the Dildo Monster because it’s at Dildo Pond. 

Christine: Right, right. 

Em: But it wasn’t in Dildo city or Dildo town proper. 

Christine: I got you. 

Em: Anyway, fun fact: if you’re looking at a map, it happened closer to Blaketown [pronounced “Blake-town”], Blaketown [pronounced “Blake-ton”] than Dildo. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: But anyway, that is the Dildo Pond Monster. 

Christine: [sighs] You really– 

Em: That was an hour and a half. I’m so fucking sorry, but it was so worth it. 

Christine: No, listen. You told me to banter. I don’t know what to tell you. Um, wow. That was beautiful, Em. 

Em: Thank you. 

Christine: I was actually like very enraptured by that story. Um– 

Em: It was, it was a beautiful time, uh, for me. 

Christine: It was for me as well. 

Em: Okay, good. Good, good, great. 

Christine: Good. Um, I’m going to tell you something horrible now. Sorry. 

Em: Oh, wait. Hang on, let’s go back to dildos. 

Christine: [laughs] Can I tell you actually one fun thing real quick before we get into like the really sad stuff? Which is what I forgot to mention earlier, and I’m so mad because I wanted to make sure I mentioned this in the, uh– when we talked about Halloween. But Blaise did the potato experiment, like the social experiment where you put a potato out and– Have you seen this? 

Em: No. 

Christine: Oh, okay. So okay. You put– You offer kids either a potato or piece of candy. And this guy did some as a joke almost a few years ago, and it turned out like I swear like nine out of ten kids took the potato every time. And– 

Em: Is it because they were like the weird kids, and they were like, “I want the freaky weird random thing”? 

Christine: But it’s like every kid picked it. 

Em: Huh. 

Christine: It was like, “Oh, if you offer this choice like kids will pick the potato.” And so Blaise like bought potatoes, and I was like, “Ugh, but you’re trick-or-treating with Leona. Like I don’t want to explain to people why there’s potatoes in here.” We gave out like, I mean, dozens of potato– We ran out of potatoes. 

Em: A bag of potatoes? [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah, we ran out of– Multiple bags. We ran out of potatoes before candy. It was strange. 

Em: Honestly, I don’t know how a kid thinks, but I know if someone handed me candy or a potato, I would also take the potato. But I would do it because I’d be like, “The candy one I was expecting. If you’re giving me a potato, there must be a reason I’m unaware of.” So I would feel– 

Christine: Well, I think that’s kind of it. 

Em: Is that what it is? 

Christine: It's like, “Well, this is cool.” Like– 

Em: Well, no, I wouldn’t do it ’cause it was cool. I would be like, “Oh, I’m, I’m not looped in, and you clearly know something I don’t know.” 

Christine: Oh. I mean– 

Em: I don’t think kids are thinking that intense about it, but I would panic– 

Christine: I think the kids who thought that were like, “I’m gonna take Skittles [laughs] and walk away.” 

Em: [laughs] Yeah, I wouldn’t– 

Christine: Like we didn’t, we didn’t say, “You have to pick one now.” It was like they’re just in there. Um, but yeah, they– 

Em: No, I think if someone handed me the more random one, I would just be like, “I obviously know less than you. I’m just gonna follow your– Go with your flow.” 

Christine: Like, “Sure, I’m just gonna walk away.” Yeah. 

Em: And grab the potato. 

Christine: I, uh– Well, we didn’t hand them out. We just like put them in, and if people happened to see them in there, they could take them. But this one girl, we put like– The most effective was putting one potato in the middle of all the candy. And then this girl walked up and went, [gasps] “A potato!” And she grabbed it. 

Em: Hm. 

Christine: And all her friends were like, “I wanted the potato,” and she was like, “Finally, we found a house with a potato.” And I was like, “Wow. Okay, this–“ And they were teenage girls, and then they all started bickering, and they were like, “You always [indecipherable argument sounds]. You were just walking ahead of us.” And so then the girl at the end was like, “Alright, fine.” And they walked away, and I was like, “Psst! [whispering] Come here.” And I like handed her a potato. [laughs] 

Em: Good for you. 

Christine: And she’s like, “Ha-ha! Now I have my own potato.” And I thought, “Blaise was onto something here.” 

Em: I wonder if– Is it like, like the– Because we all have experienced this, that like when you’re a teenager like [exaggerated teenager voice] “Everything’s so random.” Is it that what it is? 

Christine: I think it’s that. That’s what I meant. More like that you’re like unexpect– It’s like unexpected, I think. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: I, I think, and I don’t think there’s like much– It’s just like, “Cool. That’s different.” 

Em: Hm. Yeah. 

Christine: I don’t know. I like– I mean I cannot tell you. There were parents being like, “Why?” And I was like, “I don’t know. I didn’t do this. I would not have put potatoes in here. But the kids seem to love it.” 

Em: You know what’s interesting– Well, first of all, no– when I hear “potato experiment,” I’m apparently ancient and thought you meant like making a potato a clock. Like that’s– 

Christine: Oh, yeah. I mean, a battery. Yeah, I’ve done that for sure. 

Em: Um, what was I gonna say? Oh, Allison, uh– I brought– I got like all like the chocolate and all the things that I would think a, a kid really really wants, and then Allison got, um, a bag of fruit snacks. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: And I was like, “Nobody’s going to pick the fruit snacks,” ’cause in my mind I was like, “I’m not gonna fucking pick fruit snacks if there’s like a bunch of sugar in a, in a bag for me.” 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: Um, and then that was the one that got the most comments was the fruit snacks, and it was, it was mainly like little kids who were clearly still being fed by their parents. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: It’s like obviously the parents are giving them fruit snacks. But there were so many like three-year-olds who went, [gasps] [pretends to yell] “Welch’s fruit snacks! I love We–“ 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: We were like, “Holy shit. Okay, here. Have two.” [laughs] 

Christine: Next ti– next time, buy the Spidey ones. That’ll be– Those will be a hit. 

Em: Oh, I thought of Leona. There was a Spider Gwen, so. 

Christine: A Spider G– Aw. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: That’s cute. 

Em: Anyway. 

Christine: Leona was like to sh– To music class today, they were like, “Wear costumes.” She’s worn that Grumpy Toad like four days in a row, so we just put her– 

Em: Good for her. 

Christine: We put her in the Ghost ou– Spider outfit. And they were like, “We like your costume.” She goes, “It’s not a costume,” and I was like, [laughs] “Okay. She’s Ghost Spider. It’s not a costume.” 

Em: Anytime I see anything Spider– even Spiderman, I’m just like, “Oh, there’s Leona.” Like I– It’s like– 

Christine: She loves it. She identifies with it. 

Em: She’s totally messed with my head. Um– 

Christine: Yeah, she really– Mine too, by the way. 

Em: Man, that potato thing. Well, if, if Allison catches wind of that, we’re gonna have a bag of potatoes outside tomor– next year. 

Christine: I tell you what, and Blaise was like, “Honestly, they’re cheaper than candy,” and I was like, “Ok– Well, o–“ 

Em: Please don’t say that. Allison, s– I– Allison? Is– Everyone else, stop listening really quick. Allison, we’re not g– we’re not doing this. I mean, we can do it, but we also have to get candy. 

Christine: Just– Just start saying “dildo” again. It– That’ll get her off your case. 

Em: [singing] ♪ Dildo ♪♪ 

Christine: Okay, not singing now– 

Em: Wait, what’s the actual Dildo song? [singing] ♪ Innocent children ♪ 

Christine: [laughs] [singing] ♪ Innocent children / They want potatoes ♪♪ 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] Okay. I am so sorry. I wanted to get that out of my system before I forgot. Because I knew– I know Blaise wants me to give the credit that yes, he was right. I guess kids want potatoes. I don’t know. So good job, Blaise. 

Em: [applause] Good job, Blaise. 

Christine: You knew what the kids would want. Um, anyway, I’m going to tell a terrible story now. 

Em: Oh.

Christine’s Story – Jacob Wetterling

Christine: Episode 405: we’re covering the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. This is one of the first true crime stories I ever like really got immersed in because when we started the podcast– Or it’s actually before we started the podcast. When I first started listening to podcasts, there was, um, a podcast called In the Dark.

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And season one was all about Jacob Wetterling. And I remember being at my temp job and like just being like gripped by this story. Um, and so I’m finally covering it now, which is kind of, kind of full circle. 

Em: Uh, for like the, you know, 1 every 20 times– I do recognize the name, but– 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: So I, I might know this story. I might know it, but I have no– I have no actually–Let’s find out. 

Christine: We’ll find out. So in January of 1989, 12-year-old Jared Scheierl– I’ve been trying to say this name so many times. Poor Em is just like trying to root me on over there. Scheierl – I think I’m saying that right; I hope – survived an unimaginable ordeal when a stranger abducted him on his way home in Cold Spring, Minnesota. So Jared had been ice skating with friends when a man approached him in a vehicle, asking for directions. When Jared got close enough, the man forced Jared into his car, drove him to a remote location, and raped him. 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: He then said to Jared, “Run.” 

Em: [gasps] 

Christine: “If you look back, I’ll shoot.” 

Em: How old is he? 12. 

Christine: 12. 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: Yeah. So Jared, of course, ran for his life. Detectives collected and examined his clothes for evidence, and the community awaited answers, being– thinking like, “Well, this was so just out in the open and brutal. Like I’m sure we’ll find him,” you know. Um, and their other thought was, “We gotta keep our kids safe if there’s some lunatic running around.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: But time just passed, and the man who kidnapped Jared was never identified. And they tried to move on with their lives. So we fast forward, uh, to the e– near the end of the year – October of 1989. This is the same year but just a few months later. This is St. Joseph, Minnesota, and this is about 15 minutes away from Cold Spring where Jared had been abducted. So we fast forward ten months. We’re now about 15 miles away. I think 15 minutes, 15 miles, I’m not sure, um, in St. Joseph, Minnesota. And we’ve got 11-year-old Jacob Wetterling. Now, he is living out a very just standard, almost idyllic even, childhood. Um, just very happy, very, uh– 

Em: Candy and potatoes. 

Christine: –low-key– Candy and potatoes, just everything you need. And this town itself has fewer than 4,000 residents and is surrounded by farmland. So it’s like kind of a rural and like wholesome town. It sounds a little bit like Dildo. It's just like– 

Em: Sure does – where all the innocent children are, you know, so– 

Christine: –really small. Right, where all the innocent children are. and they’re just playing outside, and– I mean, it’s the ‘80s. lIke kids are just riding their bikes around. Just a very family-friendly town. Jacob’s parents, Patty and Jerry Wetterling, purchased a home in the woods of St. Joseph where they were raising Jacob and his siblings. So Jacob was 11. He had one older sister named Amy, who was 13. He had a 10-year-old brother named Trevor and an 8-year-old sister named Carmen. So he’s second in four kids. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Jerry, his dad, was a familiar face in town, um, because he was a chiropractor, and he had a billboard with his face on it. So I imagine as the kids– 

Em: I get it. 

Christine: Yeah, you– I know, and I imagine as the kids, you’d be like, “That’s my dad!” You know, like so excited, you know. 

Em: I got– You know I love a billboard that– I’m– The day that there’s a billboard with my face on it– Oh my god. Game over. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: I gotta be honest. 

Christine: You’re gonna drive your kids out of the way to school just to show them the billboard every morning. 

Em: I almost want to call my hometown because I know it would be cheaper than LA– 

Christine: Right, yeah. 

Em: –I’d be like, “How much to slap my face on this puppy for like 30 days? What do you think?” 

Christine: We’ll figure out like where your high school bully lives and then like put it kind of right on their way to work. 

Em: [laughs] I would love that. I also like– I– To be clear, it wouldn’t even be like to promote anything, it’s just for the plot. Like it’s just so I can say later– 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Well certain– certainly, this is not marketing. This is a separate thing. This is a personal issue. 

Em: If I could– If there’s– If ever a billboard needs something in Fredericksburg, Virginia, I got an idea on what we can do with it, you know what I’m saying? 

Christine: I think we’ve got someone on the horn that I can call named Em Schulz. [laughs] 

Em: You know, anytime there’s a blank spot, I’ll just– 

Christine: Actually, I bet you Linda already has, has her finger in this like somehow. 

Em: Sh– Plans? Yeah. 

Christine: Yeah. I feel like she’s already got something ru– percolating up there in her little brain. 

Em: I, uh– Percolating. Great, great word. Great word. 

Christine: Thank you. Um, so anyway, his dad is the local chiropractor, and because he has, um, his face on this billboard, of course people know who he is and know who the family is. And Patty, meanwhile, w-worked as a stay-at-home mom. She would manage the family’s hectic schedule, especially with four kids. And this was a very busy household. They all had different extracurriculars and sports and hobbies. Some of them even made home videos as like a hobby, which is basically what I was doing instead of sports. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Um, some were horseback riding. So it’s kind of that classic situation of like shuttling the kids from one thing to the next and trying to balance everyone’s schedules. So Patty and Jerry were always at rehearsals, performances, games. Like this was a non-stop schedule for the family. And they encouraged their family– their children to try new things, pursue their passions: “Try making home videos. Try horse riding.” Jacob’s best friend, Aaron Larson, said in an interview, “they were kind of the family that was willing to try everything and anything.” 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So the Wetterling children were very confident, very adventurous, and they were also very tight-knit. They were really close, and they were actually all friends, which is kind of sweet. So Jacob didn’t really mind when his parents asked him to babysit his two younger siblings on October 22, 1989. So Patty and Jerry were going to a dinner party about 20 minutes from their house, and 13-year-old Amy was going out for– with friends for the evening. So Jacob said, “Sure, I’ll stay home with younger siblings, Trevor and Carmen.” 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: And then his friend, Aaron, who I just quoted earlier, came to hang out as well. 

Em: Sure. 

Christine: This is where my heart starts to hurt quite a bit because it’s so– I think you and I and a lot of our listeners can kinda relate to this, um, next part being such an innocent part of childhood. But just before it got dark, Jacob called– [chuckles] which is also very sweet– called the landline where his parents were eating dinner, you know, at the dinner party– 

Em: Oh, yes. 

Christine: –and was like, “Can I talk to my mom?” Like, “Hi Mrs. So-and-So, can I talk to my mom?” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And, uh, when they got on the phone, he said, “Can we take our bikes to the movie rental store down the road?” I don’t know if it was a Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, who knows. But basically said, “Can we ride our bikes to rent a movie? Please, please, please, please, please.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: And, um, you know, this is about– And Carmen, the sister, didn’t want to go. It was just the, the boys that wanted to go. And so Aaron said, “Can we, can we call the neighbor, Rochelle–“ Her name is Rochelle Curtis. “Can we call her to babysit Carmen at home, and then I’ll go with my friend and my brother to the video store?” And this is where I just imagine this tore the parents apart because Patty said– 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: ––“Sure, as long as you agree to wear a reflective vest, bring a flashlight–“ Like even in the ‘80s, she was like, “You have to be so careful,” you know, but it’s a five minute bike ride. So even at– for the time, she was being like extra cautious. Um, and, and, the, the fact that her fear was getting hit by a car and not like abduction, of course – ’cause why would you think that as your first fear in a small town? But like the fact that she was prepping him for like potential road accidents, not thinking like, “Oh, there’s something much worse out there,” you know? 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

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Christine: So the three of them set out for the store. It was Jacob and Trevor on their bikes and Aaron was on a scooter, and that kind of slowed them down a bit, but the, the boys on the bikes didn’t mind. 

Em: Yeah. I would, I would be pissed if I wanted to just go ride my bike and then a fucking scooter kid came with me. I’m like [groans]. Like we can’t– 

Christine: Oh god. 

Em: We just have to– [sighs] Okay. 

Christine: Yeah, but that’s the best friend, and he didn’t bring his bike. So it’s like, “Well, he has to borrow something.” 

Em: I know, but that’s when you, uh, offer like some rope, and you’re like, “You stand on the scooter. I’m gonna actually bike and get us there.” 

Christine: I’m surprised they didn’t make the little brother give the bike to the, to the friend, honestly. 

Em: Actually, that’s a great point, yeah. 

Christine: But like that goes to show, apparently, they were all just very sweet kids. [laughs] 

Em: I know. I, I’m such an asshole. Like I’d be like– 

Christine: Couldn’t be me. [laughs] 

Em: –“If you can’t keep up, you just can’t come. I don’t know what to tell you.” 

Christine: [laughs] “You can’t come anymore.” You would just like push him over. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Oh god. I’m scared of you. Okay. So the three of them set out on the– uh, to the store. And remember, they’re also like 10 and 11. Like they’re really little. Um, and so they have their bikes. It’s like a, I mean, literally a five minute ride on your bike. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: And so they get there. It’s a cloudy night. There’s no moon or stars, so it’s pretty dark, but they have this flashlight. And although it was Sunday, there was no school the next day, so they were really excited. They got to the video store– Remember those days where you were like, oh, you have a day off tomorrow? 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: It’s supposed to be a school day, and then your parent, your parents let you have a friend over and rent a movie. I mean– 

Em: Oh, heaven. 

Christine: It’s all just so familiar. Yeah, and, and so nostalgic. 

Em: I still chase that high. I’ll never get it again. But– [laughs] 

Christine: I know! I know! It feels like s– like some pinnacle of youth, you know? So they get to the store. Um, important note: they rented a VHS copy of The Naked Gun. Um, I don’t know if you ever saw that film – um, very fun, very classic.Um, they left with– 

Em: I did not. 

Christine: They also got candy, of course. I’m sure they bought a lot of candy. And the neighbor– By the way, I love that this is like several days before Halloween, so it’s like– They’re like, “We get candy now too.” I don’t know. There’s something just about their already getting– 

Em: I know. And they’re like, “We’re, we’re, we’re stockpiling. Stockpiling.” 

Christine: “We’re prepping.” [laughs] 

Em: Yeah. “Because think of all the potatoes that coming our way in a second, so.” 

Christine: Oh my god, you’re right. Those starches are coming in. 

Em: Yeah. [laughs] 

Christine: We gotta get some sugar in us. Um, so they got a bunch of candy. They got this VHS copy of this movie and, uh, decided to head back home. So meanwhile, we cut back to the house, and Rochelle, the neighbor who was babysitting, was just kind of sitting with Cr– Carmen, having like a fine time babysitting her. And suddenly, Trevor and Aaron – so Trevor is the little brother, and Aaron is the best friend– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –burst in the front door, screaming that someone took Jacob. 

Em: [gasps] Oh my god. 

Christine: And they said on the way home, a man– I mean, they’re frantic. They say on the way home, a man with a gun attacked them and took Jacob away. So Rochelle, who’s also presumably a teenager– like a child– 

Em: Yeah, she’s probably like thir– Like, I mean, the John Mulaney bit of like you’re horse tr– like taking care of another horse. Like– 

Christine: Right, exactly. Like you’re a child watching children. This doesn’t seem right. 

Em: [chuckles] Yes. 

Christine: Yeah, exactly. 

Em: It’s like there– Certainly this poor girl has her own trauma now, having to handle this– 

Christine: Sh– Yeah, she– Exactly! Exactly. 

Em: –and she’s like– What? 12 or something? 

Christine: What, she’s gonna be prepared for this? I don’t think so. Yeah, so basically, they, they barge in. She’s like, “Listen. I’m gonna call my dad,” and thankfully, he was home next door. So she calls her dad. He rushes over. He calls 911. On the call, apparently, he stayed extremely calm– 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: –and that was able to help Aaron and Trevor like answer questions– 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: –because they were so frantic that the da– which I just find that to be a nice little side note that the dad was like, “Let’s just all keep it down here.” 

Em: “We’re gonna get through it.” 

Christine: “And we’ll get the details out.” And so they, they tell the details to dispatch. And, you know, at first, responding officers were like, “Well… What? Like usually we get calls about like a raccoon breaking into someone’s yard, you know.” 

Em: Yeah, they’re like, “We– This is s-somehow not our forte.” 

Christine: Yeah, this feels– But they also didn’t really believe it at first. They were like, “Oh, this must be like a misunderstanding that happened.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: “’Cause like why would there be an abduction in this small town?” And– 

Em: Right, and also it’s like the week before Halloween. Maybe it’s like a Mischief Night thing where they’re like prank calling or something. 

Christine: Yeah, like– And they’re like pre-teen boys. Like who knows? Maybe one of them pranked the other. Who knows– Exactly. So the responding officers were like, “Well, I don’t know if this is a genuine child abduction in St. Joseph,” but they responded quickly. Um, and meanwhile, Patty and Jerry, of course, rushed home from the dinner party, unsure of what was gonna wait– be waiting for them at the house. 

Em: Yeah. I can’t imagine that car ride. 

Christine: Which is just another, another 20 minute nightmare of a car ride. Um, and it just was hard for anyone to really grasp that someone took Jacob. Like it just– I , I assume it’s one of those sentences that doesn’t really hit at first ’cause you’re like– 

Em: Yeah. And also like why him? Like what– Like– 

Christine: Took him where? Like– Yeah, exactly. Who? You know, it just must be so perplexing. So they get back, and Trevor describes the scene to the police. This is the younger brother. The boys were just three minutes away from home. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And as they passed a long gravel driveway on the left, which led to a neighbor’s farm, a man in a mask leapt out in front of them. He said he had a gun, and he ordered all three boys to put their bikes and scooter in a ditch and lie facedown on the ground. 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: And Aaron, the friend, like laughed almost, startled, because he thought this was a joke. 

Em: I would think it was like a prank or something. Yeah. 

Christine: Yeah, he thought it was a prank. 

Em: Es-especially so close to Halloween. And also like– 

Christine: Yeah, close to Halloween and close to home. 

Em: And also maybe like that’s like just like his fight or flight is just like, “Oh, ha-ha-ha.” Like being in denial that that could really even fucking happen. 

Christine: Like I’m just gonna– Oh, fawning? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Like, “What? Very funny.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: And so he laughs, and he thinks this is a joke. But the man pulls out a gun and proves he’s completely serious. 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: So the boys obey his command. They get down on the ground. Um, he asks how old they are, and Aaron and Jacob say 11. Trevor says 10. So he tells Aaron and Trevor to get up and run. 

Em: Which like– Then you’re like so did the age have anything to do with it? ’Cause if, if he said 11, and now you want the 11-year-old, why’d you let the other 11-year-old go? Like– Or did he just want one of the older ones or something? 

Christine: I think he just wanted to know how old they were and then like took his pick or, you know, just– 

Em: That’s just so disgusting. 

Christine: Yeah, it’s absolutely horrific. So he told Aaron and Trevor to get up and run, and they began running, of course, as fast as they could. He told them, “Guess what? If you turn around, I’ll shoot you.” 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: So they take off, and the last thing they witness was the man grabbing Jacob. 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: So the sheriff is confident that they can quickly figure this out. They were thinking maybe he got tied to a tree somewhere. I mean, when this happened like ten months earlier– They, they hadn’t connected the cases, but even in that first case, he let his victim go, you know. Remember that Jared– 

Em: Right. 

Christine: –got to run away. So they’re thinking, “Well, maybe he’s somewhere in the woods.” Um, their interstate is nearby. Like, “Let’s go do a search of the town.” So they go do a search, um, but they’re thinking in the back of their minds, you know, with the interstate right there– 

Em: Yeah, easy getaway. 

Christine: –if he took him into his car…Yeah, he could’ve gotten anywhere. So they focus on the local area. Firefighters and dozens of officers search the area until 3 a.m. The search is called off, and it resumes at sunrise. But days go by with no sign of Jacob, and at that point, the FBI become involved, and the governor of Minnesota orders a massive search. He also deployed the National Guard, which searched 30 miles of ground on foot. And they also scoured the woods and farmland of St. Joseph on horseback and in helicopters. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Even private pilots volunteered time in their planes, and volunteers put up thousands of posters, requesting information on his whereabouts, along with white ribbons that said “Jacob’s Hope.” And Patty and Jerry did as many as eight interviews a day because they were just trying to keep his story, you know, on the news and relevant and on people’s minds. And meanwhile, the Minnesota Vikings football team acknowledged Jacob at a game with posters and announcements– 

Em: Oh, wow. 

Christine: –praying for his safe return and trying to get the word out. So they were really doing everything they could to figure this out. 

Em: Yeah. Wow. 

Christine: Soon, Jacob Wetterling became a household name throughout the country. That might even be why you recognize it. 

Em: Maybe. 

Christine: Like if people had just discussed it over the years, you know. 

Em: And it was only a few years before we got here, so I’m sure my mother was always using it in her mind. 

Christine: Exact– I was gonna say– I’m sure your mother was familiar, you know, with the case. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: So he became kind of a household name throughout the country. Um, nobody knew– It was like he had just been taken and vanished, you know, off the face of the earth. And there were, were no clear answers, so of course everybody started kinda playing “Who dunnit?” and pointing d– to different people of interest. So Jerry himself, the dad, had to stop speaking during interviews because the public was like, “he doesn’t seem sad enough.” You know, they’re like watching– 

Em: Oh, fuck me with that. What are you talking about? 

Christine: I know. And they’re like watching it and saying– And so he starts getting harassed by people saying like, “Oh, yeah? Like maybe you, you took your own son and killed him,” you know. And so he had to p– like just bow out of the interviews Um, but people approved of the way Patty sometimes cried during the interviews, so they found her more sympath– 

Em: Oh, th– I’m so glad that they approve how she’s handling it. 

Christine: I know, right? “Thank you so much. That’s really thoughtful of you.” So meanwhile, detectives revisited the scene of the crime where the kids said that this man jumped out and grabbed Jacob. And the farm at the end of the driveway where Jacob was kidnapped actually belonged to this guy named Dan Rassier. Now, Dan was an elementary school band instructor, and he lived on this family farm with his parents. And he was home that night, but he said he was home alone when his dog alerted him to a blue vehicle which had rushed into his driveway, spun around, and left. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And Dan just kind of glanced out and thought, “Okay. I guess they were taking a wrong turn and had to, had to turn around.” But he woke up later that night when his dog alerted him again; this time because police were searching the property for Jacob in the hours after the abduction. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: So Dan, of course, told investigators about the blue vehicle, and he said he wished he had more, but he just assumed the guy was turning around so he didn’t look very closely. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Um, and what he didn’t realize at this point is that he was actually a person of interest in the case– 

Em: [gasps] 

Christine: –and that he would remain a person of interest for many, many years. Like it would– 

Em: Oh, shit. 

Christine: –honestly kind of ruin his life. So more than ten years went by with no new leads to Jacob. and meanwhile, Dan is still on the hook, and investigators call him in for questioning again. And one of them later admits in an interview that they were maybe “more aggressive than usual” trying to intimidate Dan into a confession. 

Em: Yeah. Well,I’m not surprised. 

Christine: And by the way, like we absolutely know he had nothing to do with it, so it’s just hindsight is 20/20. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: But they said they needed the confession because they had no evidence. And it’s like, “Well, forcing it out of somebody who didn’t do it–“ 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: But you know, whatever. So they repeatedly tell Dan that they knew he abducted and murdered Jacob, but poor Dan, the band teacher, is like, “I swear to god, I had nothing to do with it. I’m innocent.” 

Em: “I’m literally a band teacher. Like please just–“ 

Christine: “I’m literally like let me go back to work.” So detectives convince Patty there is compelling reason to believe Dan, the band teacher, took Jacob. So Patty said, “Fine, I’ll agree to whatever you think I should do.” So they basically wired her up, put a mic on her, and staged an accidental encounter between her and Dan in a public place. 

Em: [uncertain] Okay. 

Christine: Yeah, so they basically put her on the spot and say, “Hey, go talk to him. Get as much information as you can.” And she’s just desperate to find her son, so she’s like, “Okay, fine.” 

Em: Did it accidentally like frame him or something? Like– 

Christine: No, not even, Em. 

Em: Oh. 

Christine: So– Yeah, so basically she runs into him by accident, and she says, “Hey, can I just ask you some questions about whatever you saw that night?” And he’s, you know, he’s very sensitive about this. He says, “Sure, I’ll sit down with you.” He sits with her for 45 minutes. 

Em: Oh, wow. 

Christine: He answers every single question she has. He tells her, “I only feel that if I would have been more alert, maybe I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve saved him.” Like he’s just beating himself up for not having this information to the point that when Patty left the conversation, she said, “That man’s innocent. He did not do this.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: “Or he’s such a sociopathic liar that like he’s–“ 

Em: Had me fooled, yeah. 

Christine: “–has me fooled.” But sh– but she said, “I do not think this is your guy.” It wasn’t until 21 years later when he’s, yes, still a person of interest, that they finally got a search warrant for his farm. And in 2010, the investigative team used backhoes to break ground on the property where they found nothing. But, instead of exonerating him, now the public was just aware that Dan was a person of interest and they were digging up his farm. And many people just started to spread this rumor that he kidnapped and probably murdered Jacob Wetterling. And by the way, they just tore up his farm and then left. Um– 

Em: Of course. 

Christine: And then if you think about it, like he’s a band teacher of kids, and all these people are whispering in town that he murdered this child. 

Em: Oh, it’s ruined. It’s over. It’s over. 

Christine: Right? Like it’s the worst possible thing to have happened, you know, when you’re, when you’re trying to teach kids and, all of a sudden, they’re like, “Oh, are you a murderer?” 

Em: A false allegation about a kid when you work with kids? 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Like sayonara, career. 

Christine: Yes, yeah. Yeah. Terrible. So he tried to salvage his life and reputation, but like it just– He was in a bad, a bad, bad space for a while there. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So for years, meanwhile, Patty wrote letters to Jacob, just in some hope that maybe he would come back. And when he did come back, she would have like years of letters of just what had been going on with the family, updating him on everything they were doing to try and find him. Um, she just wanted him to know if he ever came back that they did everything they could and, you know, even though it took so long to find him. Patty and Jerry also dedicated themselves to activism and advocacy work. Um, they wanted obviously to prevent this from happening to other families and support families in similar circumstances. So they founded Jacob Wetterling Resource Center, which is “a Zero Abuse Project program that works to prevent crimes against children while connecting families of the missing and exploited to important resources.” 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: So over the years, it just kind of seemed to be like just a cold dead case. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Um, it looked very hopeless, but thankfully, because of the advancements in technology, in 2012, DNA analysis was actually able to identify unknown DNA on the clothes of Jared Scheierl, who I mentioned earlier who had been kidnapped in 1989, um, and had been raped and then let go to run, run back. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: And that was in Cold Spring, Minnesota. So, of course, remember I, I mean, I’d mentioned Jared’s case in relation to Jacob’s case. So years earlier, investigators had made the connection between these two cases: um, you know, the age of the boys, the proximity. And so Jared, now being much older obviously, pushed them to reopen the investigation and pursue new leads. 

Em: Oh, good. 

Christine: He very much like advocated for himself, which is awesome. 

Em: That’s awesome. 

Christine: In 2014, investigators opened a cold case review and carefully revisited every detail of Jacob’s and Jared’s abductions and hoped they could find some sort of information that would maybe break either or both of the cases. So pretty soon they honed in on a su-suspect named Daniel Henreich, whose name appeared in connection to other cases – hmm – nearby. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So– and that involved children, by the way. He was suspected in the January 1989 kidnapping and rape of 12-year-old Jared, as well as multiple assaults on boys in another nearby town called Paynesville. For years, reports were filed with police about a man who pushed boys off of their bikes and physically and sexually assaulted them– 

Em: Oh, shit. 

Christine: –just as they were driving around. And in an interview, men who grew up in the area recalled that it became common knowledge to them that pre-teen boys like needed to be super careful and couldn’t, couldn’t just be out there like by themselves– 

Em: Fuck. 

Christine: –without a support group or without people looking out for each other. 

Em: Like he was like so creepy and dangerous in public that everyone just like knew him by name of like “Don’t-Go-Near-This-Guy”? 

Christine: No, they didn’t know who it was. Um– 

Em: Oh, right. They just were like, “Oh, there’s someone out there.” 

Christine: They just said there’s a, there’s a predator out here. Exactly. And he’s preying on basically pre-teen boys. 

Em: How did that not come up during Jared’s thing? Was it ’cause it was a different location? 

Christine: Um, no, so it did. Uh, this, this is in the years following. 

Em: Oh, okay. 

Christine: So after, after Jacob– or after Jared’s abduction and rape, um, over the years, there had been several reports of some guy running around like assaulting kids. 

Em: Gotcha. Okay. 

Christine: And so– 

Em: I thought it was before him, sorry. 

Christine: Um, no, I mean– 

Em: I was like, “Why did no one ever mention that before–?” 

Christine: Well, it might have been before him, but they don’t know who he is, so it’s like they tried everything they could to find out this predator was, but they just didn’t– 

Em: Yeah, the best they could do is just say, “There’s a creepy guy. Look out.” 

Christine: “There’s this predator guy.” Yeah. So Jared’s attacker, the man who assaulted the boys in Paynesville, and Jacob’s kidnapper all had one thing in common. So this is where they’re kinda putting the pieces together, and that is that witnesses and survivors described him as having an unusually gruff, gravelly voice. 

Em: Huh. Okay. 

Christine: And so they were like, “This has gotta be the same guy.” But for decades, investigators had no evidence linking this Daniel creep to any of the cases. Even though like he was also known to be this creep, they don’t have any proof. And tire tracks and shoe prints at the scene of Jacob’s abduction did match shoes and tires belonging to Daniel. Um, and fibers from a car set collected from Jared’s jacket matched the interior of Daniel’s car. So we’re getting closer and closer. 

Em: Yeah, I hope the cops are at least thinking, “Okay, we’re onto something,” versus like, “Oh, that’s weird. Oh, that’s weird.” 

Christine: No, no. They– 

Em: Like I want to know when it started layering. 

Christine: They definitely know. Um, and the car was also blue, which matched– 

Em: Oh, okay. 

Christine: –the one Dan saw in his driveway right before Jacob vanished. But without any unique markings, like saying like a blue car– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –it’s not gonna get you anywhere in court, you know? Um, and there were no like– There wasn’t even something where they could say, “Oh, he said there was a bumper sticker or a dent on the car that matched.” Like it was just the fact that it was blue. 

Em: Right. 

Christine: Um, and all they could say really was that the suspect’s car– So they had their eyes on this guy, but all they could say is that this car and shoes might be the same type of car and shoes. But that’s about it. It was also not evidence that Daniel’s car or shoes were at any of the scenes of the crimes. Like they couldn’t even prove– Because they hadn’t found any evidence of Daniel actually being there, they couldn’t prove like, “What if someone used his car? What if someone wore his shoes?” 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So they were just kind of in a rough spot. But the real breakthrough that occurred was one single hair that, thank god, they had preserved, not knowing about the future of DNA evidence, right? This is– 

Em: Isn’t that fucking crazy? 

Christine: Isn’t that crazy? I mean, I guess in ’89, you may have known that it was– 

Em: Something’s on the horizon. 

Christine: –an up– Yes, exactly. Like an up-and-coming thing. I’m just really thankful they were thorough enough to save one hair, you know? 

Em: What, what do you think is like the th– the next thing that like we’re– 

Christine: I, I think about it all the time. 

Em: –we’re just all abandoning at crime scenes when we should be getting a big fucking scoop of it. Like what if it’s just like the air? You know, just– 

Christine: My– Well, so that’s what I gu– That’s my guess is that we leave some sort of trace that we just can’t– Like energy trace. 

Em: A part of our aura, yeah. 

Christine: Yeah. I, I really do think that there’s something to that. Like when you walk into a room and people have just been arguing, and you’re like, “Whoa, it’s tense in here.” Like the air is– feels weird. I just feel like there’s gotta be something like that. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just– 

Em: I feel like if I were a cop, I would– And like– Or a detective or whatever, I would absolutely be known as like the fucking nutty one who’s like grabbing way too many things from the crime scene. And I’m like, “You just never know!” You know, like– 

Christine: Yeah. This is like some character on, um, Bones or something where you’re like, “No, trust me.” [laughs] 

Em: Or, or, uh, uh, what was, what was the guy– 

Christine: NCIS. 

Em: No, who was the one with OCD? 

Christine: Monk? 

Em: Monk. I feel like– 

Christine: Adrian Monk, my favorite show of all time? Yes. 

Em: I feel like, I feel like it would be something from Monk of like, “Oh, this, this is the way that you– y-your cahoots show themselves, you know? 

Christine: Your cahoots? 

Em: Yeah, just collecting a bunch of weird stuff at a crime scene. 

Christine: Oh, what’s a cahoot? 

Em: Like being in cahoots with something, like a– 

Christine: Ohh. Oh, this is how I’m going to c– know you’re in ca– I gotcha. I thought you meant those were your cahoots. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: You mean that l– Yeah, okay, I get it now. I get it now. I’m gonna pitch this to ABC. It sounds like it could be a good series. So anyway, this is the hair. They found this one single hair, decades old, still gathering dust somewhere. And they are able to run DNA analysis on it. And guess what? It belongs to fucking Daniel Heinrich. It also matches the DNA collected from Jared’s snowsuit, which would have been after the rape. 

Em: That’ll do it. 

Christine: Yeah. So empowered by this new evidence that Daniel had contact with Jacob and Jared on the day of both abductions, detectives obtained a search warrant for Daniel’s house, finally, in Annandale, Minnesota. Of course, Daniel insisted that he never touched anyone, but he did say, hey, when you search my house, you’re gonna find some, quote, “damning stuff.” 

Em: [laughs] Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So. 

Em: I mean, to be fair, if anyone looked at our stuff, they would also see that, so. 

Christine: They’d say something– Maybe not damning, but definitely concerning. [laughs] 

Em: I’d say, “There will be things that, um, a– the, the prosecutor might, uh, use.” [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah. “There could be, um, s–” 

Em: “Lot of skulls. Lot of–“ 

Christine: “–some evidence of character flaws maybe.” 

Em: Certainly they will try to defame me, and they will have every right to do that. Um– 

Christine: They will do it correctly, and it will not be slander ’cause it will be true. 

Em: [laughs] It’ll be right. 

Christine: But also there are wooden dildos galore, and I would advise you not to touch them. They might give you a splinter. 

Em: [laughs] Just sayin’. 

Christine: Um, we do have a lot of dildo gifts that people have given us: wooden dildos, glass dildos. 

Em: I did think about whipping out, uh, one of our wooden dildos for today’s episode, but– 

Christine: I almost thought about going downstairs and getting the glass one, but I’m– It’s, it’s not gonna happen. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Um, anyway. So they, they– As much as we might say, “Hey, don’t look through our stuff,” um, he had real reason to actually worry. When the police looked at his stuff, they discovered a plethora of child sexual abuse material, children’s clothing that he had collected. He– They found VHS tapes featuring hours of children playing at playgrounds and just like running around town that he would film himself. And with too little evidence to charge Daniel with Jacob’s actual abduction, because they didn’t even know where Jacob was, the investigators offered a plea deal instead, which became very controversial. They basically told Daniel: if you could tell us what happened to Jacob and provide evidence that it’s true, you can plead guilty to one child sexual abuse material charge in federal court, and that would be a maximum 20 year sentence. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And so it was kinda like we’re trading kind of some justice for information on where Jacob– what happened to Jacob. 

Em: Right. 

Christine: So it’s, you know, it’s kinda controversial, but I don’t know that there was ever a right answer. Um, it was the way– the only way that investigators believed they could ever actually figure out what had happened to Jacob. So Daniel accepted the deal and led investigators to a wooded lot at a farm where they dug up and discovered Jacob’s remains. 

Em: [sighs] 

Christine: Daniel told investigators that he had dragged Jacob to his car by gunpoint where he handcuffed him, and Jacob asked, “What did I do wrong?” 

Em: Oh my god. Just heartbreaking. 

Christine: It just hurts so much. It hurts. Daniel drove Jacob to a rural location, just as he had done to Jared, and he then raped him. He was more nervous than usual, and he saw red lights on the road that he thought might be police lights. So he panicked, and he shot Jacob twice. 

Em: [quietly] Man… 

Christine: Daniel went home for a while, uh, then he returned to bury Jacob. And a year later, he revis– 

Em: He just left him there? 

Christine: Yep. 

Em: That’s insane. I mean, I mean, all this obviously. But like you would think if you’re that panicked, you would go– you’d hide the evidence immediately, not like go home and take a fucking nap. 

Christine: I think he– Well, I think he wanted to get out of the– He was like– 

Em: Oh, I see. 

Christine: – [in deeper voice] “I’ve done something. I fucked up. I’m gonna peace out for a bit, figure out what to do.” I don’t know. 

Em: Regroup. 

Christine: I mean, I don’t know what this fucking lunatic’s thought process is. But either way, he probably had to– He probably didn’t plan to kill him and had to go get a fucking shovel, you know. 

Em: You’re right. You’re right. 

Christine: I don’t know. But either way, um, he returned to bury Jacob. And a year later, when he – yuck – revisited the burial site– 

Em: [inhales sharply] 

Christine: –he noticed that Jacob’s red jacket was poking out of the soil. 

Em: [sighs] 

Christine: So he relocated Jacob to a different burial site in the woods, and he remained there for over 20 years. 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: Just undetected. 

Em: And the parents just got no closure. Or the siblings got no closure. His friends got no closure. 

Christine: For those decades. 

Em: That babysitter got no closure. I mean, like– And then think about Jared who was– 

Christine: Yes. 

Em: –who got away, and it’s like, “How come I–?” I’m sure that’s a, a whole conundrum of like “How come I survived and he didn’t?” 

Christine: It’s like to feel for that kid, but also be like, “Shit, that could have happened to me.” 

Em: Could have happened to me, yeah. 

Christine: You know, it– Yeah. Yeah. So when Jerry and Patty – speaking of the parents – received the news that Jacob’s remains had been found, Patty said that through the pain she felt a sort of peace, like you mentioned, kind of a closure, knowing that at least Jacob was at rest and they had kind of solved the mystery. Um, Jerry said the experience was beyond words. Um, and it was – oh, this makes me cry a little bit – uh, that it was calling their other children, his, his siblings, on the phone that was the hardest part, to tell them that their brother was dead– 

Em: Yeah, I can’t imagine. 

Christine: –after all this time. So Daniel firmly denied being involved in any of the harassment and assault reports that had been going around, uh, by a lot of children. Um, he did, however, confess to kidnapping and raping Jared in January of 1989. I think that was a given– 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: –’cause his DNA was on the snowsuit that he was wearing, but whatever. 

Em: Also he was, he was only like fessing up because he got busted, not because he like– 

Christine: Exactly! Exactly, exactly. 

Em: –had– like decided like, “Oh, how about I throw you a bone,” and– 

Christine: Oh, and guess why else he was only confessing? Because the statute of limitations was up, so he couldn’t even get in trouble for it. So he’s like, “Whatever. I guess I’ll confess now.” 

Em: Okay, now, now again thinking about the trauma of Jared, of like, “Oh, great. So, so now he just doesn’t have to do anything about it.” 

Christine: It’s just sick. Yes, we’re actually gonna– No, 100%. We’re actually getting into Jared now because– 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: It’s funny you mention that ’cause he– Not funny, but it’s like– It’s very relevant that you mention that ’cause basically my next bullet here is: for years, Jared had endured n– like we said, trauma and nightmares, um, and he often felt as though the authorities weren’t really taking his case seriously. Um, when he was a child– 

Em: For good reason. 

Christine: For, for– Oh, that he felt that way for good reason? Yeah, yeah. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: When he was a child, for example, officers interviewed him without his parents, which should not have happened, especially after he was raped, and they made him feel as though they didn’t like believe him. Like they were almost quizzing him on the details, that kind of thing. 

Em: [sighs] 

Christine: So Jared actually dedicated countless hours to advocate– advocating for himself, other survivors, and that, of course, played a major role in, in reopening Jacob’s case in 2014– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –which is great. So he was able to like push for that to finally be solved on behalf of Jacob. So at a press conference, Patty, who had become very close with Jared – which makes me really happy ’cause he’s the same age, you know, as her son would be, and he suffered through the same ordeal, so it’s kind of at least they have each other in some way. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Um, they’ve gotten very close, and at a press conference, she thanked Jared and said, quote, “Jared had the courage to stand up and say, ‘This happened to me.’” So in 2018, Jared actually won a lawsuit against Daniel. Uh, the court awarded Jared $17 million, but, of course, Daniel Henreich cannot pay that ’cause he doesn’t have $17 million, so it was more of a symbolic thing. Um, the lawsuit was more about giving Jared his chance to actually get up in court and have the legal system acknowledge that that was his– 

Em: Right. 

Christine: –his, uh, victimizer, you know, that he was a victim and that Daniel should be behind bars. And so, you know what? Good for him. 

Em: Good for him. 

Christine: Um, he went through all that. I imagine that was a lot of like reopening wounds, um– 

Em: And also at that point like the statute of limitations is up and everything, so it’s like how– Take the closure where you can get it, you know? 

Christine: Yes, like what else– Like if this is the last– the only option, like absolutely, you know. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: And so he was able to face him in court, and the justice system was able to say, uh, “Yep, what happened to you matters.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: “You are owed $17 million. Not that that would ever, you know, pay off any trauma, but like at least we recognize that, that you were wronged and deserve justice.” So it was, you know, symbolic closure in that way. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Um, meanwhile, poor Dan– by the way, interestingly that– or interesting that Daniel ended up being the actual, um, g– perp, but then Dan was the guy that they were harassing for years. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: So Dan, the band teacher, sought damages from the state for defamation, but, um, he lost that lawsuit unfortunately, even though he had proven that he endured six years of public shame from the time investigators named him a person of interest in 2010 to Daniel’s confession. All those six years, he was going through people, you know, saying, “Oh, you’re a murderer. You’re a rapist.” Like, “You’re not safe to be around.” 

Em: I mean, I can’t even imagine– And also like when– to be innocent in that situation and to have like people like probably like trying to get into your house or say like, “I can’t believe you hurt kids,” or not feeling safe to even go grocery shopping. 

Christine: Talk about egging your fucking car. 

Em: [chuckles] I know. Fuck me. 

Christine: Imagine like– That’s, that’s the house you’d egg. 

Em: I mean, I– 

Christine: Not you, I mean teenagers. 

Em: And then part of you is like, “I just want to leave”, but I don’t know if he was even allowed to leave town, so he had to just sit and endure that. 

Christine: And he’s– Well, and he’s living on his family’s property, so it’s like– 

Em: Right. 

Christine: Oh, right, and if you’re– Yeah, maybe he was advised not to leave town. That’s a good point, yeah. Who knows? Yeah. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: So that was kind of sad, and he didn’t, um– the appeal– His lawsuit was dismissed. The appeal was denied. Um, so that’s kind of a bummer. I hope he was able to find some sort of, you know, peace and– 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: –to what– uh, the peace he deserves. So meanwhile, Jacob’s legacy lives on in the advocacy work that’s been done in his name and in the memory of him as a force for good. After Jacob’s killer confessed to the crime, Patty spoke publicly once again. She said, “Jacob has taught us all how to live, how to love, how to be fair, how to be kind. He speaks to the world that he knew, that we believe is a world worth fighting for. Jacob, I’m so sorry.” 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And that was her, that was her, um, that was her, her, her statement. And, um, his, his mom actually did an interview at one point as, as well and remembered that the day before he was kidnapped, he was in, uh, a bad mood, like a Grumpy Toad mood– 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: –and at the end of the day, he went up to his mom and apologized for being cranky and asked if she wanted to play a game with him. 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: Just out of the blue at age 11. 

Em: That has to– I mean, just twist the knife. 

Christine: Yeah, I know. I know. And his best friend, Aaron, who was there when the attack happened, said that Jacob was the first to befriend him in second grade when he was a new student. And he, you know, takes lessons from Jacob now as he raises his own children and kind of wants the– he– as he calls it, the goodness of Jacob to just be around him and his kids and his family. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Um, and he said, “ Hope doesn’t stop,” which is really lovely. 

Em: I also– I can’t imagine being a, a parent of a kid that that happened– 

Christine: Yes. 

Em: –or a parent after being the friend of the kid that that happened to, and it’s like, “Well, now I got to trust that my kids are, are safe outside and–“ 

Christine: And seeing them, and seeing them at age 11 and being like, “That was my age when that happened.” 

Em: Yeah, yeah. 

Christine: Oh, it’s gotta be terrible. So, you know, Patty and Jerry worked hard to make sure their kids felt confident and safe again. They wanted them to like still be able to adventure and enjoy the world without living in fear. Um, in an interview, for example, Patty said, “I’m a believer in children. I didn’t want our kids to live fearful and afraid of the world.” 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: So that is the story of the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. 

Em: [snapping fingers] 

Christine: It’s a toughie. 

Em: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve– It’s a– 

Christine: It’s a toughie. 

Em: Well, I don’t– I– Maybe I was mixing it up with a different story that I heard. It was the one where like the– It was a little kid and two older kids kind of like dragged him to a train station or something. 

Christine: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t– I– 

Em: I think that’s what I thought Jacob Wetterling was. 

Christine: I’ve not been able to, um, cover that one yet, have not had the fortitude. 

Em: Yeah. That one I don’t know the name of, so. And– 

Christine: I don’t off the top of my head either, but I know which one you mean. 

Em: Um, wow. 

Christine: Wow. My v– my voice is like fried after– 

Em: Well, happy Halloween. Certainly scary. 

Christine: Yeah, very scary. After Halloween last night and everything, I’m like, whew, fried from– 

Em: Well, also all the, the vaping you just did that, uh, to get, to get through the Dildo story. 

Christine: Yeah, all the vaping. That, that one thing where I did half of, half of it because you said “principal”, and I went, “Wait! I remember now. The principal kid.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: I didn’t even get to enjoy it. 

Em: I have to– I, I– Sorry, I keep looking down. There’s like– There’s some weird residue on this table and like my, my sensory– I’m like just– 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: I can’t stop fucking with it, but I feel like– 

Christine: Go get a wet wipe. 

Em: If I touch it anymore, I feel like I’m gonna damage the table. Um, man. Okay. Well, now when do we record and you get to bum me out all over again? Is that next week probably? 

Christine: Um, I think so. I think– Well, I don’t know. 

Em: ’Cause we’re about to be in Texas together, you and me. 

Christine: I know. We’re going to Texas. I’m very excited. We always have a great time in Texas. Um, we’re gonna be in Austin and Dallas. The shows are sold out. Well, it’ll be over, I guess, by the time this comes out. Um, but yeah, I’m excited. It’ll be fun, and, uh, I’m excited to see you, Em. 

Em: I know. I– It’s gonna be like– 

Christine: Now this is the official one after the election, by the way. Sorry, just to say real quick. ’cause we kept calling that last one the post-election– This is the post-election one. So we’ll see. 

Em: Well, also if, um, if things turn, turn ugly for us, that– it’ll justify me sounding grumpy when we first started this episode, so. [laughs] 

Christine: Well, you can– We– You can find both of us in Dildo probably. We’re outta here. 

Em: [laughs] Yeah, actually. 

Christine: If things go wrong, I’m moving to Dildo. 

Em: I– Hey, you know, dumbest thing I ever did was buy a house right before an election ’cause I’m like, “Well– May– What if I wanted to be one of those people who just up and leaves? And I can’t.” 

Christine: Smooth move. 

Em: Whoops. Oh, man. Well, yeah. I’ll see you in Texas. Uh, everyone else, I guess we’ll see you next week? 

Christine: Or at the Yappy Hour. We’re doing one final Yappy Hour today unless everyone’s like, “Keep doing them please.” 

Em: “We love Yappy Hours. Keep doing them.” Yeah. 

Christine: Yeah, but it doesn’t seem like you do. But we’re gonna do one more, so come join us for the Yappy Hour finale. And then we’re gonna start doing, um, hopefully start doing – this is the plan, anyway – monthly livestreams, um, for patrons. So yeah, go to patreon.com. Um, and again, if you sign up through the App Store, it will charge you a surcharge through Apple. So I would recommend– Um, if you’re on Android, that’s– you’re fine. But, uh, I would recommend going to the browser, so. 

Em: And– 

Christine: That’s– 

Em: Why– 

Christine: We– 

Em: [slightly rolling their R’s] Drrr– Drrr– Drr– 

Christine: Whoa. 

Em: Drrink. Drrink. 

Christine: I think something’s wrong with your car. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: There’s egg in it. [laughs] 

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