E460 Haunting Snap Chats and Screening Calls from Space - Live Show at Houston Improv, Houston, TX

TOPICS: HOTEL GALVEZ, LISA NOWAK

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Happy long weekend, everyone! It's episode 460 and we're so sorry to report that life got in the way this week so we weren't able to record a new episode. We're going to start building in weeks off so you'll have a heads up when this happens in the future but in the meantime, please enjoy (or skip, that's OK too!) a very late-night, slap-happy live show from our very first time in Houston! Em tells us spooky tales from the Hotel Galvez and Christine covers the wild story of astronaut Lisa Nowak. We may even catalogue everything in our first ever Buc-ee's carts... and that's why we drink!

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Transcript

Christine: Hey everyone. I might be making some of you a bit mad right now, and I really apologize. Um, I brought my recording equipment with me to Thanksgiving, fully intending to record an episode. Um, but then on the first or second night we were here, Leona got very sick overnight. Then I, of course, contracted whatever she had, and things just kind of went to shit. So uh, it’s my fault. I flubbed it, but we did not get an episode recorded in time um, for this week, and we are releasing a live episode. I know that a lot of you really don’t like these, and I’m sorry. Moving forward, we’re gonna start building in, um, a few weeks off through the year just to kind of give us a little bit of buffer when things arise, um, like this illness, travel mishaps, what have you, um, so that we’re not scrambling last minute. And we wanted to, you know, be transparent and give you that heads-up. Um, we also want to, uh, say thank you for all of you sticking around, even if you’re frustrated by the live episodes. I get it. I’m a podcast listener, and I know that disappointment when an episode doesn’t come out, uh, and something different comes out instead on your feed. So if you are not feeling it, please, no hard feelings. Just delete the episode, and, um, I promise we’ll be back next week. And I have not forgotten about our, um, redo of the Thanksgiving song. And after that, I think we have another little ditty coming soon for [singing the beginning of “Christmas Time is Here”] ♪ Christmas time ♪♪ So don’t worry. I’m, um, getting my pipes warmed up for that, and you will not be rid of me and my beautiful singing voice. Okay? Um, thanks for being here. Thanks for supporting us, um, even when things get hard and confusing and complicated. Uh, we love you. And for everyone who is celebrating Thanksgiving, have a wonderful holiday. Um, if you’re having big feelings this time of year, we’re sending lots of love your way and support and, um, solidarity. And we’re just really thankful you’re here, uh, along for the ride with us. So on to the live show, and, uh, otherwise, we’ll see you next week. Bye.

[intro music] 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Ooh, I almost hurt myself on this chair earlier, so I have to be really careful. 

Em: [chuckles] Hey, Houston. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: We’re still here. 

Em: We’re still here. Uh, shout-out to the people from the previous show who want– 

Christine: [laughs] 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Holy shit! 

Christine: Oh god! [laughs] 

Em: –who wanna watch us a second time? 

Christine: [laughs] 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Why? Why? 

Em: Lord almighty. 

Christine: You’re crazy. 

Em: Well– 

Christine: You’re cra– Ooh, I left my notes up here. Oopsies. 

Em: Well, for the people who um– 

[audience members laugh] 

Christine: [chuckles] Just leave those down there. 

Em: –for the people who were at the previous show, you’re gonna hear us talk about it again. But for the new people, we tried Buc-ee’s today. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: And we had a blast. 

Christine: We spent [laughs] our life savings. 

Em: Well, I went in there, and– 

Christine: So thank you for funding our Buc-ee’s shopping trip today. 

Em: We, we went in, and I saw shopping carts, and I was like ironically– 

Christine: Jokingly. 

Em: I was like, “Oh, Christine, I’m gonna, I’m gonna get a shopping cart, so I feel like a– like I’m really shopping here.” And then like ten minutes later, there was like 50 things in the cart. 

Christine: We like met in an aisle, we like met in an aisle with our shopping carts– 

Em: And she had her own cart. 

Christine: –and they were like piled. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: “What have we done?” 

Em: [chuckles] I was like, “Remember that time I thought I wasn’t gonna buy anything?” 

Christine: Mm! 

Em: “–and now there’s nothing left.” 

Christine: They had tie-dye. You were– There was no win for you there. [unintelligible] 

Em: We got snacks. I got my hat. You got a shirt. I got a shirt. I got boxers. We got it all. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Listen, Texas is pretty great. 

Em: It’s treating us nice. Although– 

Christine: Uh, we like it. We like it. 

Em: –um, we do have to– we have to say we found our, our rough patch in Texas in general. We do not know how to drive in your area. 

Christine: No. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: And the uh– your highways have very short ramps. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yes. 

Em: And many of them next to each other. So– 

Christine: And many, many, many, many large, large trucks. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: That won’t let you have time to decide. 

Christine: That go so fast. They have places to be. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: We– We’ve spent prob– three days in Texas now? And I think– 

Christine: It feels like an eternity. 

Em: And– 

Christine: We’ve been on the road for a long time it feels like, but– 

Em: And I’ve been, um, chauffeured everywhere. I haven’t driven the car once– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –but, uh, between Christine and Eva, I’ve been like the GPS guru– 

Christine: No. 

Em: –guru. 

Christine: False. But– 

Em: And– 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: –I was like, “Okay, turn now.” And I was like, “Oh, never mind. It’s–“ 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: “You missed it.” 

Em: “We already missed it.” 

Christine: There’s like six turns. One’s like a “Do Not Enter.” There’s like a U-turn lane. 

Em: And we’re not used to the U-turn thing. 

Christine: What the fuck is going on here? I don’t know. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I mean, we’re used to U-turns, but not like the– 

Christine: We’re used to parking on the highway in Los Angeles. So– 

Em: [laughs] Yeah. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: We’re used to just sitting in traffic and not moving at all. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And now we’re going a thousand miles an hour with a bunch of trucks. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: It’s really good and really safe. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, what else have we done? 

Christine: [sighs] I mean, we did another show– [laughs] 

Em: Oh, right. 

Christine: This is our first time doing a double feature, so let’s see what happens. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Yeah, we have no idea what’s gonna happen. 

Em: Uh– 

Christine: But I still have wine, so it could go many different ways. We’ll find out. 

Em: I was saying earlier, it’s– I mean, usually if you listen to one of our episodes and we sound a little dazed and confused– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: –it’s because we’ve been recording all day and it’s like the last one we can pump out of ourselves. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: But so like if we sound a little out of it at the end, it’s– I mean, you’re gonna hear some nonsense out of me, I’ll tell you that. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: The first ep– The first episode. Wow. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: The first show that we did tonight, I was just like– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –make– 

Christine: Eva had to come up– 

Em: I– 

Christine: –three minutes in and fix the computer. It was like– Or fix the slideshow. 

Em: The– Oh, yeah. It was the wrong slideshow, one. Two, um, I didn’t know that three feet did not equal 18 inches. I– 

Christine: Oh my. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: No, and you also didn’t know that by three feet, you meant three stories. It was a whole thing. 

Em: Yeah. Oh, I said someone fell a whole three feet, but he fell three floors. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: 18 inches. [laughs] 

Em: Look, if that was the first one, I’m sorry for what you’re about to hear tonight. 

Christine: Yeah. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: We can’t promise really anything, so I’m just gonna shut up. [laughs] 

Em: But thank you guys for having us, and we’re very stoked to be here. 

Christine: Yeah! 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: And this was our– This is our first, our first experience in general in Texas. 

Christine: Yeah, it is. And we love it! 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: And– 

Christine: It’s loud, and it’s large. 

Em: It lives up to the hype. And we had Whataburger. It was amazing. 

Christine: Whataburger, yes. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: That was very good. 

Em: Very, very good. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: So thank you. You guys are putting on quite a, quite a wonderful setting for us. 

Christine: Like you’re setting the bar very high for the rest of our tour, let’s put it that way. Yeah. 

Em: Yeah, for sure. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Um, so that being said, I wanna start you guys off right and not like the last episode. [chuckles] Um– 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Episode? 

Em: Where I– [laughs] Yeah, where I was like, “Eva, get up here!” I can’t do this. Hang on. See? I can’t– We– I warned you. So um– Okay, so the first thing we’re gonna do– 

Christine: Uh-huh. 

Em: –um, which I think everyone’s pretty excited about. If you’re not, applaud anyway ’cause I have anxiety. Uh– 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: You’re such a panderer. Goddamn. 

Em: I know. Um, we’re going to start with, uh, a f– a little drinking game. 

Christine: Yeah. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: So the goal is to get smashed. So– 

Christine: And some of you, a lot of you, were here already for the first round of this– 

[audience members whooping] 

Em: Yeah. Whoo! 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: –including me. 

Em: Some people have already played this game, so you guys have to catch up. 

Christine: One of those people is me, so. Whoo-hoo! 

Em: [laughs] Um, okay. So drink once if Christine gasps. 

Christine: Uh-huh. 

Em: Uh-huh. 

Christine: Very rare occurrence. 

Em: Uh, drink once for “listen.” 

Christine: Listen. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Drink once for “fun fact”– 

Christine: Hm. 

Em: –which is not fun at all. 

Christine: Never. Never. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Drink also once for– 

Christine: “Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: And any reference to us sweating, which is probably gonna happen. 

Christine: Literally always. 

Em: Drink twice for “Hello–“ 

Crowd: –Fresh! 

Em: Alright. 

Christine: They were primed from the first show. 

Em: Yeah. The people in the first show already heard us say, “We don’t know if they’re gonna say it or not, so let’s do the hand thing. Maybe they’ll get it.” 

Christine: Come on! Come on. 

Em: Um, also drink twice for, [in girly, nasal voice] “It’s just funny. Honest-Honestly–“ 

[crowd whooping] 

Em: “I, I mean, honestly, ‘truthishly’, it’s just fucking funny.” 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: [laughs] Truthishly. 

[crowd cheering] 

Audience member: Megan! 

Em: Megan! God, is that my new– First I went for– I finally escaped “sassy,” and now I’m fucking “Megan.” 

Christine: Yeah. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um– 

Christine: You brought this upon yourself. Don’t look at me. 

Em: It’s just funny how that happened, so. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Drink twice if we talk about the sweet baboo. 

Christine: Aw! 

Em: A little itty bitty puppy “dupilus.” So– 

Christine: My sweet baby. 

Em: –I’m sure he’ll come up because there’s– Christine and I have never had a conversation without bringing him up. 

Christine: We can’t. Right. 

Em: Um, drink twice for anytime we tell Eva what to do. And based on the last show we did– 

Christine: Yeah. [laughs] Woohoo! 

Em: That’s why everyone’s drunk. So– 

Christine: It happened three minutes in. [laughs] 

Em: Um, also I– Other than the drinking game, I do like to start off with something adorable because– 

Christine: Right. 

Em: –that’s not how this show usually ends. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: So– 

Christine: We want to like trick you. 

Em: So let’s just slowly wean you in– 

Christine: Uh-huh. 

Em: –with some babies. 

Christine: Aw. 

[crowd cooing] Aww. 

Em: So I do the slides, which means that I wanted to be really, um, visually creative– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –when I first thought that this was like the epitome of creativity. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: S-six pictures together. And um– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Getty stock Images. 

Em: Y– From Stockphoto. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And so I, I was like, “I’m gonna post pictures of wine and milkshakes. And since we’re usually an audio show, no one’s ever had visuals before–“ 

Christine: Ooh! Ah! 

Em: “–so I’m just gonna nail it.” 

Christine: Right. 

Em: And then um– So I, I got these pictures off of, uh, Google when I typed in “people drinking milkshakes.” 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: It wasn’t that hard of a search. You can do it too. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: And it’s precious. But then if you delete the word “milkshake” and replace it with “wine,” and it just says, “people drinking wine” in Google, um, this is what comes up. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: And so I started this project with like, “Aw!” And then I was like, “Eugh!” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: And it hasn’t gone away since. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And in case, uh, Em’s head is blocking it, these women are heavily, heavily pregnant. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Third trimester pregnant. 

Christine: And this is a very, very tiny child. 

Em: And Christine’s in the tub. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. 

Em: Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. 

Crowd: Drink! 

Christine: Whatever you say, Em. 

Em: So, um, I am going to just crack on into a story for you. 

Christine: Woohoo! 

[crowd cheering] 

[glass clinks - start of ad break] 

[Rotating ads vary, for a full list of current podcast sponsors visit andthatswhywedrink.com/sponsors] 

[straw sucking bottom of glass - end of ad break] 

Em’s Story – Hotel Galvez 

Em: Now that I’ve shown you the queue and the funny– 

Christine: Whoo, now I’m really facing out. Hold on. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: I need to find the perfect ratio. See my good side. 

Em: Are you good? 

Christine: There we go. 

Em: Show the– 

Christine: This is really casual. 

Em: Christine has only one side that has a dimple. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: So show them your dimple. There it is. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Precious. 

Christine: Em never lets me stand on that side. 

Em: [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Also hang on. [laughs] Classic me. I’ve lost my notes. Hang on. 

Christine: [laughs] [sighs] 

Em: I also– I wanted to be clear that like when we tell you we don’t know what we’re talking about ever– 

Christine: We– That’s not a fun schtick. 

Em: –or what we’re doing. 

Christine: It’s not a schtick. It’s real life. 

Em: It’s, it’s the truth. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Yeah. Okay, here’s the– 

[audience member laughs] 

Em: –unscripted– 

Christine: Someone’s very entertained. 

Em: Someone’s– 

Christine: In this long moment of silence. [laughs] 

Em: Someone is a big fan of mine, and I like it. 

[crowd laughing, whooping] 

Em: So, um, this is the unedited version ’cause Eva can’t edit this live. Um, so good luck to whatever you hear tonight. Um– 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: This is the story of, and let me know if you know of it, the Hotel Galvez. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Wow. I think they have never heard of it. 

Em: Very, very nice of you to humor me if you don’t know. 

Christine: Some people said I– Some live there. I don’t know. 

Em: You live there? 

Christine: I guess they– 

[group of audience members shouting unintelligibly] 

Em: Like Zack and Cody? 

[group of audience members shout unintelligible reply] 

Christine: Okay. I don’t know. Just keep talking, Em. [laughs] 

Em: People have experienced it, I think. Right? 

Christine: There’s a lot of waving. We don’t know. 

Em: A lot of things have happened. All right. So uh, the Hotel Galvez. 

Christine: We’re impressed though by whatever it was that you did there. [laughs] 

Em: Ye– [laughs] All right. 

Christine: Ooh! 

Em: Look how old and creepy it is. 

Christine: That is so cool. 

Em: So it is located in [in a questioning tone of voice] Galveston. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Why did you say it like you’ve never heard of Galveston? 

Em: ’Cause I, I don’t know. I– [scoffs] Like I know geography. I didn’t– 

Christine: I, [chuckles] I mean– 

Em: I wanted to make sure it was like close to here. 

Christine: Oh, I don’t know where it is. 

Em: It’s close– 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: Close enough. So, um, it’s a massive hotel right on the beach as you cannot see. Never mind. I’ll show you that picture later. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, and we’ll dive right into a fun fact that it is– 

Crowd: Drink! 

Em: –the– 

Christine: Wait, there’s a beach here? Sorry. Now I’m the ignorant one. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: The fuck? 

Em: [unintelligible, away from microphone] Yeah. You’ll see the pictures later. 

Christine: Okay, okay, okay. 

Em: We’ll get there. 

Christine: I trust you. 

Em: We’ll get there whenever we do. I’m not sure when. 

Christine: I’ll go on the journey with you. 

Em: Uh, the fun fact is the building is the oldest and most haunted hotel in Galveston. 

Christine: Cool. 

Em: And it has been on the shows Ghost Stories and Ghost Lab. Ooh, ahh. 

Christine: Not Ghost Adventure? 

Em: Not Bagel Bites, no. 

Christine: Damn it. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Not that I know of. 

Christine: [sighs] 

Em: In the 1800s, uh– Oh, yeah. It gets sad really fast. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. 

Em: Um, in the 1800s on this property, there were several orphanages. 

Christine: Oh my. 

Em: Were. 

[crowd exclaiming in dismay] 

Em: Uh-oh. 

Christine: What? What do you mean “were”? 

Em: I’ll tell you. 

Christine: I don’t– [chuckles] 

Em: So there were orphanages on Galveston Island. 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: So now in 1900– 

[audience member laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles, snorting] 

Em: Why is that funny? No– 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I’m just kidding. You can be horrible. It’s fine. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: So in 1900, there was a storm called the 1900 Storm. 

Christine: Shut the fuck up. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: That’s amazing. 

Em: And, uh, during this storm– Oh, never mind. That’s what it looks like now. 

Christine: Ooh! 

Em: Backwards, whoops. 

Christine: I was like, “What a beautiful storm.” What a beautiful– 

Em: I had a little thing that said “switch slides,” and I felt unsure, but I tried it, and it didn’t work. So– 

Christine: [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: La-la-la. Um, so during the 1900 Storm, uh, there was one specific orphanage called St. Mary’s Orphans Asylum. I don’t like how that sounds. 

Christine: Yowza. 

Em: Um, during the storm, that orphanage was destroyed– 

Christine: [sucks air in through teeth] 

Em: –killing 90 children. 

Christine: [gasps] Oh no. 

Audience member: Drink! 

Em: Of 93 children. 

Christine: Oh no. 

[crowd shouting in dismay] 

Christine: Are you kidding me? 

Em: And ten nuns. 

Christine: Yikes. 

Em: You guys need to care more about the nuns. No one said, “Ohh…” at that one. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: There weren’t 90 of them either though. 

Em: I know. So 100 people in total. 

Christine: Yikes. That’s terrible. 

Em: Um, trying to save the kids– 

Christine: No. 

Audience members: No… 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: The nuns cut clothesline into pieces like rope to tie around each kid’s waist and their own, and then they tried to swim all 90 children together– 

Christine: [gasps] Oh my god. 

Em: –out of this flood. Which like, by the way, like I know they say, “Thanks, priests,” but “Go fucking nuns!” Like– 

Christine: Yeah. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Holy crap. 

Em: However, it potentially caused all of them to die faster. 

[crowd members exclaiming in shock] 

Em: So it backfired because they all got tangled up together– 

Christine: [gasps] No! 

Em: –and drowned in one mass. So a lot of the bodies obviously were found together in one big pile, and– 

Christine: Oh my. 

Em: –the bodies were probably– They can’t be sure because there were so many they– I don’t think they kept track, but allegedly, some of the bodies are buried on the property where the hotel is now. 

Christine: Oh boy. 

Em: So the storm destroyed the entire island, and the residents wanted to rebuild no matter what. And they ended up rebuilding the area as of June 1911. So she’s a Gemini. Um– 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: And uh, the Hotel Galvez was erected June 1911, so. 

Christine: All right. 

Em: Um, it was named after– Ooh, it’s a Spanish word, and I don’t know it. Um– 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: It’s named after Count Bernardo de Gálvez y Madrid. 

[crowd cheering] 

Audience member: Nailed it! 

Christine: Really? It has the words “Madrid” and “Galvez”? 

Em: With the most American accent possible. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, the hotel was nicknamed “the Queen of the Gulf” because it overlooked the Great Seawall and Gulf of Mexico. Ooh, ahh. Um, it was also nicknamed “the Playground of the Southwest” because the hotel was so prestigious, and it became the hotel for the elite upper class. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Uh, guests included Howard Hughes, Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Stewart, General MacArthur, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, and Lyndon B. Johnson. 

Christine: Wow, fancy. 

Em: Ooh, ahh. Um, in the 1950s– Oh, yeah, it gets sad again. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: So in the 1950s, there was a bride-to-be. 

Christine: Oh boy. 

Em: There always is at a hotel, isn’t there? 

Christine: Yeah, there always is. 

Em: Her name was Audra, and she was a guest at the hotel while her fiancé was out to sea. Uh, she was staying in room 501. And she would take the elevator to the eighth floor and climb the ladder up to the roof, and on the roof, she would, uh, watch and look out to the sea and wait for her fiancé to come home. 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: And after a storm– Not the 1900 Storm, a new one. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um– 

Christine: The 19– 

Em: The 1950 storm. 

Christine: –25 storm? [chuckles] 

Em: Uh, after a storm, Audra heard that the ship had wrecked and all were lost or dead. 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: And after– A week after grieving, she couldn’t take it anymore, and she ended up hanging herself in her bathroom. 

Christine: Oh god. 

[crowd sighs in dismay] 

Em: In room 501. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: It gets sadder! 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yikes. 

Em: A week after her death, Audra’s fiancé was rescued. 

Christine: [gasps] 

[crowd gasps, cries out sadly] 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: And came home to the hotel to look for her. 

Crowd: No… 

Christine: That is some Romeo and Juliet shit right there. 

Em: So her name, uh, is– 

Christine: Oof. 

Em: –quote, “Lovelorn Lady.” 

Christine: Oof. 

Em: That’s the ghost’s name. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: And she is the most famous spirit at Hotel Galvez, especially on the fifth floor since that’s where she passed away. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: There you go. Now, now you can look. 

Christine: There it is. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: So that’s what it looks like today. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, there– Oh, yeah. So now we’re going to talk about the ghosts. That was easy, right? 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: All right. Uh, so there is a spirit of a little girl who, uh, guests and staff have both seen, wearing early 1900s clothing and bouncing a ball. Um, there’s a lot of kids that– I don’t, I don’t know why she’s bouncing a ball. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: But uh, keep in mind there’s a lot– 

Christine: Why not? Leave her alone. 

Em: She finally– She’s got something that keeps her entertained for eternity– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –so I’m not gonna judge her. But keep in mind since this was also, um, the place where all the orphans passed away, a lot of the ghosts are kids. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: So um– 

[crowd exclaiming sadly] 

Christine: Oh, dear. 

Em: It’s really fun trying to make everyone laugh when I talk about dead children. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Dead orphans. So– 

Christine: Welcome to my world, baby. 

Em: [chuckles] So uh, staff have reported seeing this little girl near the gift shop, on the staircase, and on multiple floors, always with her bouncy ball. Um, she is often seen by construction workers, especially recently when they were renovating the basement, and the workers had to call the front desk every morning and say that there was a girl running around in the construction zones where she could get hurt. 

Christine: Oh my god. 

Em: And the front desk had to be like, “Oh, she can’t get hurt. She’s dead.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Holy shit. [laughs] 

Em: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.” 

Christine: Uh– 

Em: “You’re, you’re more in danger than her.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Yikes. 

Em: Children are heard all over the hotel, doing all of the creepiest things, such as singing, humming, giggling, playing in groups, talking to each other, and touching us. 

Christine: Us? 

Em: So– Yeah. 

Christine: [chuckles] Oh! 

Em: Um, and then also on the third floor, that is where most of the spirits of children are the most active. Um, the front desk also gets complaints of kids running down the halls at night and knocking on doors and like playing basically like dash– What’s the name? 

Audience members: Ding dong dash! 

Em: Ding dong– 

Christine: Em was clearly a rebellious child. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I don’t know much. 

Christine: Dash– 

Em: The Dash game. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Well, I mean, there was no bells, so technically– 

Christine: I think you just order a lot of food on DoorDash, and that’s why– 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I can’t– 

Christine: –just instinctively– 

Em: –say you’re wrong. You’re not wrong. 

Christine: I know. [laughs] 

Em: Um, yeah. So they, they often kn-knock on people’s doors and then run away before you see them, or maybe they’re still standing there, and you just can’t see them. I mean– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –the choice is yours. 

Christine: Right. 

Em: Um, so, uh, these– 

Christine: I don’t know what’s worse. Oh, definitely them still standing there. Never mind. 

Em: Well– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: That’s definitely worse. 

Em: Actually, today– 

Christine: My bad. 

Em: –we just checked into, um, a hotel– 

Christine: Right. 

Em: –I’m not going to name, by the way, in Houston. 

Christine: Someone’s like, “Which one?” I’m like, “Please. Nice try.” 

Em: Someone was like, “Oh, which, which, which hotel?” 

Christine: “Which room?” 

Em: I’m not gonna tell you. Um, but we checked in today to our hotel. And I was doing notes that were not for this but for the future, and there was uh– there’s this instance where one ghost in this hotel happens to knock on your door very loudly and non-stop until you answer it, um, and like knocking like there’s an emergency. Like you definitely check the door. 

Christine: Like banging on the door. Yeah. 

Em: Yeah. And um– and then you go to the door and either look through the peephole or open it, and nobody’s there. And so I was writing that note down, and as I finished the sentence, my door– someone was banging on it that loud and that long, like “knock-knock-knock-knock-knock!” And so I got up and looked through the peephole, and while it was still knocking, no one was there. 

[crowd gasps] 

Em: Like as I finished the sentence. It was like the most vision board thing of my life. 

Christine: I, I– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: I was like, “If you bring a goddamn ghost on this tour, I swear.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “Because I can’t handle it.” 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Ooh, eugh. Yeah, that was like four hours ago today. Yeah. 

Em: Yeah. So I’m really stoked to like go back and try to go to sleep tonight. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, anyway, that was a fun little anecdote about my life. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Um, so these children– The spirits will also play in the lobby on the piano, and they’ve been known to knock items off tables and counters and try to throw pillows at guests. At least they’re pillows. 

Christine: They’re having fun though, it sounds like. Yeah. 

Em: Yeah, you could throw anything, and you’re throwing pillows. That’s a very nice ghost, so. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. 

Em: Um, okay, this is kind of sad. Women hear these children the most often. Like they usually come forward to women. 

Christine: Mm? 

Em: And, uh, when women report that they’ve heard the spirits of children, they always know that they were kids, um, because they hear children saying, “Are you my mommy?” 

Christine: Oh! 

[crowd exclaiming sadly] 

Em: And being called “Mommy” or saying like, “Hi, Mommy.” 

Christine: Mm. Eugh. No… 

Em: But also way sad. They’re like looking for a parent. 

Christine: No. Oh, very sad. 

Em: And they were orphans. 

Christine: Terribly sad. 

Em: It’s very sad. Um, so let’s travel back to room 501– 

Christine: Let’s! 

Em: –where, uh, the Lovelorn Lady resides. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. 

Em: Um, it’s– 501 is one of the most haunted rooms in the hotel, uh, since that’s where she hanged herself, and people have seen her walking through the halls. They’ve seen her sitting on their bed while they’re sleeping. Of course! 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: And they often see shadow figures walking out of their closets– 

Christine: Oh god! [chuckles] 

Em: –and television sets, like The Ring. 

Christine: Ahh! 

[crowd yells in horror] 

Audience member: No! 

Christine: I literally had a dream I was in The Ring last night. I– Listen– All of this nightmare stuff– 

Crowd: Drink! 

Em: Firm pass. 

Christine: Just nightmares all the time. 

Em: Tell them about your dream. 

Christine: No. [chuckles] I already did. There was a lady with a bent neck, and she was crawling under the bus seats. 

Crowd: No! 

Christine: And then Em told a story about like a bent neck, and I was like, “Ahh!” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: It was a whole thing. You had to be there. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: [sighs] 

Em: [laughs] Basically– 

Christine: I was also in The Ring and Saw, in the same dream sequence– 

Em: I asked– I saw– 

Christine: –and The Twilight Zone. That one was kind of fun. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: I, I woke up this morning and saw Christine downstairs, and I was like, “How’d you sleep?” And she’s like, “Mm, not good.” 

Christine: I’m just twitching– 

Em: And then she just listed all of these nightmares, and she was like, “Yeah, all of them were together in one dream.” So– 

Christine: I woke up and really slept not at all. Yeah. 

Em: So that’s the toll this job takes. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, just thinking about The Ring, dreaming about The Ring. 

Christine: I give up a lot for you guys. 

Em: [laughs] I have to deal with people knocking on my door. Um– 

Christine: To be fair, in Dallas, my ph– my hotel phone was ringing, and I picked up, and no one was there. Less creepy ’cause someone probably got a wrong number. But– 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I think– We’ve been been doing this for so long now– 

Christine: –creepy to me! 

Em: –we just assume everything’s a ghost. 

Christine: Well, I assume everyone’s a murderer. You know, you know how it goes. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Uh– Oh, yeah, the dead woman. That’s where we’re at. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Let’s stop talking about ourselves for a minute. 

Em: So– [laughs] 

Christine: [chuckles] It’s hard. 

Em: That’s why we have a podcast. [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So, uh, people have seen the uh– She’s also known as the Woman in White. Um, she is often seen also with these children, which is like kind of like a crossover. 

Christine: Whoa, that’s trippy. 

Em: Um– 

Christine: She like adopted them. 

Em: Maybe! That’d be adorable, wouldn’t it? 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Eva, write that down. 

Christine: Eva– 

Crowd: Drink! 

Em: It’s like The Others, but the spin-off. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So if you don’t– if you haven’t seen the movie, it does make sense. 

Christine: I haven’t, but– 

Em: Um– 

Christine: –I was gonna pretend, but– 

Em: That’s fine. I think you pretend I’m funny often, so. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Uh, yeah. So she’s also known to bring a cold breeze wherever she goes. 

Christine: That could be nice. 

Em: She will cry in your bathroom. 

Christine: That’s not– That part’s not. I take it back. Sorry. 

Em: Which is way inconvenient. 

Christine: No. 

Em: She will also cry in your ear while you’re sleeping. 

[crowd shouting in horror] 

Audience member: No, no, no! 

Em: She will slam the doors, and she will turn TVs and lights on and off. The front desk attendants have, uh, had problems getting her– the keys to that hotel room to ever work. They always like demagnetize. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: Um, and there are reports of humming and strange light coming out from under the door of room 501 when no one is supposedly there. 

Christine: Ooh. 

Em: Ooh. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: There are also reports of the phones not working in the room. If you’re, if you’re in the room and your phone is called, somebody else will answer. 

Christine: Ahh! 

Em: And your– You don’t know. Like your phone has been silent the whole time, and someone later will be like, “Who picked up the phone?” 

Christine: That’s gross. 

Em: Um, also your texts won’t go through– 

Christine: [snorts] 

Em: –which is less scary. 

Christine: Well, that’s annoying. 

Em: I mean, it’s still scary in this world, in 2019. 

Christine: [chuckles] Yeah. In our minds, that’s terrifying. Right. 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Your Snapchats won’t load. It’s just– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Oh, talk about trauma. 

Em: Uh, and then there’s also EVPs of Audra, the Woman in White, giving intelligent responses. For example, when asked, “What happened to you?” an– uh, a spirit box has gotten her saying both the words “bathroom” and “rope.” 

Christine: [gasps] Oh no. 

Em: She has also said the word “drawer” [pronounced “drore”] on the spirit box, which– 

Audience member: [unintelligible] 

Em: Drawer [pronounced “draw”]? What? 

Christine: Drawer [pronounced “draw”]. 

Em: I heard someone say drawer [pronounced in Southern accent, “draw”]. 

Christine: Drawer [pronounced “drore”]. 

Em: Drawer [pronounced “drore”]. Drawer. 

Christine: A drawer. 

Em: You get it. Um– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] Charades. 

Em: Let’s play that now. Um, so she’s said “drawer” on the spirit box, and, uh, it ended up– Basically, if people have seen that, they go check the drawer and see what’s in there, and it’s always books that have been written about her. And once you’ve gotten to– Once you’re like looking at the books and flipping through, if you ever get to the page where it starts talking about her fiancé– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –the spirit box will say the word “rescued.” 

Crowd: Aww… 

Em: So it’s like she knows. 

Christine: This is terrible. 

Em: Uh, one– 

Christine: Oh, I s– That looks like a trash can right there. 

Em: So this is a, this is a bathroom. I know you can’t really tell. It’s kind– The colors are kind of funky. Um, but it’s a stall, and the doors open. You get it. You’ve seen a bathroom. Um– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: I hope. So uh, apparently, the first floor bathroom is super duper haunted. Um, so one guest was actually by the pool. This is only one anecdote, but this has happened multiple times. Uh, one guest was by the pool and came in to use the bathroom on the main floor. While she was in the stall, all the lights went out, and it’s– This was before like motion-sensored lights. So all of them went out, and she– While she’s still in the stall, by the way, she heard heavy footsteps of someone wearing boots on the bathroom floor, walking around outside the stall, but she can’t see any feet. She just hears what sounds like people walking. 

Christine: [groans] 

Em: And then she hears heavy breathing, and she– 

Christine: No! 

Em: And then she hears a man say, “Get out.” 

Christine: No! 

[crowd screaming] 

Christine: Honestly, like, if that were real too, that would be fucking– even more fucking terrifying. 

Em: Oh, yeah. 

Christine: Goddamn. 

Em: I mean, I mean, that’s like– that’s paranormal and true crime. 

Christine: Yeah, it is– 

Em: That’s our podcast. 

Christine: –the ultimate terror crossover. 

Em: It’s like, “Which one is it? And which am I less afraid of?” 

Christine: Yeah. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: So she just bolted out of the stall, and there was no one in the bathroom. 

Christine: Oh my god. 

Em: She ran to security, and they said, “Oh, yeah, that’s normal.” 

Christine: [sighs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: And then she had them look through surveillance, and nobody either followed her into the bathroom or left after her. So no one was there. 

Christine: Do we know who that was? Just a pervy ghost? 

Em: Just a pervy ghost. 

Christine: Oh, all right. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Alright. 

Em: Um, there are also several hauntings in the lobby bathroom from children, because I told you those were just running everywhere. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, they like to laugh, and they like to laugh at you and knock on the stall while you’re sitting on the toilet. 

Christine: Also terrible if it were real. 

Em: And the worst of it all? 

Christine: Uh-oh. 

Em: They like to steal toilet paper. 

Christine: See? 

[crowd groans] 

Em: So you’re in for a world of hurt. 

Christine: Children are just the worst sometimes, aren’t they? 

Em: All right. 

Christine: Ooh! 

Em: Very spooky. Very spooky. 

Christine: Rocking chairs? 

Em: [chuckles] Yeah, that’s the spooky part. 

Christine: That is spooky. 

Em: So um, employees feel someone staring at them in the halls and in the alleyways, which of course you feel someone staring at you in alleyways. 

Christine: Always. I mean– 

Em: Um– 

Christine: –that’s just part of the experience, I think. 

Em: There is a painting of a man whose eyes supposedly follow you wherever you go. Uh– 

Christine: Love it. 

Em: The staff say there is a man in the corner of the laundry room that stands there and watches you do laundry. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: Everyone’s got a thing. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: And– 

Christine: I got locked out of my hotel room doing laundry last night, so worse things could happen. 

Em: And he also likes to, uh, break down the new machines. So there’s no reason for like brand new equipment to be breaking down. It always does. 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: So he’s also a dick. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, he sounds like an asshole. 

Em: Um, in the restaurant part of the hotel, candles blow out, and the dishes break in cabinets for no reason. You just open the cabinet, and they’re all shattered. 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: That’s so, so inconvenient. 

Christine: It is. Just really? I just wanted to eat my breakfast in shattered glass. 

Em: It’s a really passive aggressive way to say like, “I want different plates in here.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: It’s like, “Oh no, they’re broken.” 

Christine: “Oops.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, staff members also report seeing an old-fashioned maid and a man walking through the guest room and then disappearing. Sometimes they are by themselves, and sometimes they are together. So it’s like a hot and cold relationship, I think. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Management has also said that the spirits are not mean or harmful. They’re just jokesters. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Mm, I don’t know after that bathroom story. [laughs] 

Em: [chuckles] Between the bathroom and breaking plates and the fact that they– Christine, you’re not gonna think they’re jokesters after this. 

Christine: Oh. I don’t– Okay. 

Em: They break entire cabinets full of wine glasses. 

[crowd yelling in disapproval] 

Em: That ain’t a jokester. 

Christine: If they don’t think I’m just gonna drink out of a bottle, I don’t know– Like, “Nice try, dick ghost.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] “You can’t stop me.” That’s sad. That makes me sound troubled. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: [laughs] They also– Like I said, not just breaking down the laundry machine equipment, but they break down just about all the equipment in the hotel. Um, and they also have guests leaving earlier than expected. So I don’t know why the management is saying this is funny. Like, this– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Like you’re losing clientele. 

Christine: It’s just a joke. 

Em: Um, the doors slam shut all on their own, and windows sound like their glass is breaking, which is– I’ve never heard of that before, but– 

Christine: Yeah, that’s a new one. 

Em: They don’t shatter, but they sound like they’re on the verge of shattering. And uh, clean bedrooms will get messied or messy bedrooms will get clean. 

Christine: I like that one. 

Em: It’s– Well, 50% of the time you do. 

Christine: Yeah. It’s like a gamble. 

Em: It’s like intentionally keep your room disgusting. 

Christine: I, I do always wonder though like if I– if like, you know, the cleaning staff– I wonder if you could get away with like not cleaning and being like, “I cleaned that room. I swear to God.” 

Em: Right? Exactly. 

Christine: I always wonder. Or like the other way if you actually did clean the room, and then you get fired? 

Em: I bet at a hotel– 

Christine: Like I don’t know how they keep track. 

Em: Oh, I never thought about staying hired. 

Christine: Surveillance maybe? I don’t know. 

Em: I bet if you go to a, a hotel that’s like notoriously haunted, you could absolutely get with that. 

Christine: Get away with a lot of shit, huh? 

Em: Just be like, “Oh no, I definitely didn’t clog the toilet.” 

Christine: Every time you tell– Yeah. [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I don’t know. [laughs] 

Christine: Every time you tell a story about a ghost that drinks all the liquor, I’m like, “I don’t know.” 

Em: “Don’t charge me for that. That wasn’t me.” 

Christine: Very convenient, but okay. 

Em: “I’m not saying I emptied the fridge.” 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: “I’m just saying all the bottles are in my purse by accident.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, so where were we? I lost my– Sorry, we– [laughs] Classic. This is the stuff that gets edited out. And you guys think that we’re so smooth sailing, right? 

Christine: They don’t think that. Nobody thinks that. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Oh, here we are. I found it. Don’t worry. We’re fine. We’re fine. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, down by the beach, people also report seeing several nuns walking up and down the shore– 

Christine: Eugh! 

Em: –during upcoming storms. [chuckles] 

Christine: Eugh! Oh my god. 

Em: Like to warn you. 

Christine: That’s so awful. 

Em: Like, “Don’t be me.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Eugh! 

Em: Um, it’s believed that the– The main nun that everyone sees, it’s believed that that is the ghost of Sister Katherine. She was the devout nun who actually had the idea to try and tie all the kids together– 

Christine: [sighs] 

Crowd: Aw… 

Em: –which like it, it didn’t work, but that was a smart idea in an emergency. 

Christine: Right? She was trying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Em: Like, “There’s 90 children, and 10 of us. What are we gonna do?” 

Christine: How are you– Yeah, that’s very sad. 

Em: Yeah. So she tried. 

Christine: So she’s on the beach. Great. 

Em: But now she’s still protecting people technically. Right? 

Christine: At least she gets to walk on the beach every day. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Only when it’s stormy out. 

Christine: Oh, forgot that tiny detail. 

Em: So this is the beach I was telling you you would see eventually. 

Christine: Oh! Beautiful. 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Okay, okay, okay. 

Em: –in a postcard– 

Christine: I see you, Houston. 

Em: –from like forever ago. 

Christine: Or Galveston, wherever we are. 

Em: It’s Texas’s fine– Texas’s– 

Christine: Yep. 

Em: –finest seaside resort hotel. 

Christine: Beautiful. 

Em: So uh, the last story I have is basically one giant quote. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, it’s from a guy named Timmy. 

Crowd: Timmy! Yes! [cheering] 

Christine: Is that like your cousin or something? 

Em: Does everyone know who he is? 

Christine: Yeah! Timmy! 

Em: [laughs] That guy. He’s always around there. 

Christine: Good old Timothy. 

Em: Um, so Timmy– I got this from a news article, and they just said this guy’s name was Timmy. 

Christine: I mean, all these people did do a lot of things at this hotel. Appar– Remember, they were all like [mimics crowd cheering] “The hotel!” 

Em: Yeah. [laughs] 

Christine: So. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: You’re right. You’re right. 

Christine: They might know Timmy for real. 

Em: I’m not gonna judge it. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: So uh, this guy named Timmy, and I don’t know anything else about him, uh, is that– He was staying in room 507, which shares a wall with 505, which happens to be one of the most haunted rooms. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, so this whole thing is now an– one big quote, but it’s a long one, so bear with me and Timmy. 

Christine: Buckle up. 

Em: Buckle up. [chuckles] 

Christine: No, we don’t do this again. 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: We invented a phrase in an upcoming episode, and we keep saying it, and no one gets it ’cause we haven’t released the episode yet. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: So– [laughs] 

Em: It’s just like weird [unintelligible] 

Christine: It’s like an inside joke that we think we all have, but you don’t– 

Em: You’ll figure it out one day. 

Christine: It’s called “knuckle and buckle.” 

Em: Yeah. 

Audience member: Yes! 

Christine: We invented it. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: It’s hilarious, isn’t it? 

Em: Tr-trademarked. 

Christine: Trademark. It means like white knuckle– Listen. 

Em: It’s like ’cause I was white knuckling– She says it– Lis– 

Crowd: Drink! 

Em: Coming up in the future, you’re gonna get a really wildly fucked up story from Christine. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. 

Em: And uh, and I was telling her I was like white knuckling listening to it, and I was like, “Oh, I’m buckled up and white knuckle. Knuckle and buckle.” 

Christine: Yeah, white knuckle and buckle. 

Em: But so now it’s become a thing that we say when we’re not performing, and so now we just– now we’ve accidentally said it while we were on stage. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And no– Everyone stared at us like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: It’s extra funny when we explain it for five minutes. 

Em: Right. 

Christine: That makes it– 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: That’s when you, that’s when you know– 

Em: Whoops. 

Christine: –a joke is like really good. [laughs] 

Em: Whoopsies. So oh, yeah, back to Timmy. His story is very important. 

Christine: Okay, okay, okay. 

Em: Um, so this is a whole, whole quote. Okay. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: Uh, “I felt–“ So he was in 5– room 507. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: “I felt stared at the whole time. No matter where I was in the room, there was always someone watching me from behind. I read it– I read a book in bed for a half an hour before I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to a bizarre sound, almost as if someone were wearing a dress and walking over leaves. It had a ‘swish-swish’ sound.” 

Christine: That’s a very specific– [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I thought about making that like the “And That’s Why We Draw,” and I was like, “I can’t imagine anything–“ 

Christine: A swish-swish over leaves. 

Em: “–anything beyond like basketball nets getting sent to me.” 

Christine: That’s a good point. 

Em: Um, “I turned on the lamp beside me, but I couldn’t see anything amiss in the room. The window was shut. The air conditioning unit was off. Everything seemed fine. I figured it must have been someone in the hallway walking past my door, so I turned off the light and fell back asleep. A little while later, I woke up to the same sound, but it sounded like I was right– like it was right beside me in my room. When I turned on the light, I was shocked to see a woman in my room. She had messy blonde hair and a thin cotton dress on. At first, nothing seemed unnatural about her.” Famous last words. 

Christine: [laughs] Except she was in my bedroom in the middle of the night. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: “When I first saw her, I thought I had missed the fact that maybe I had one of those connecting rooms, and she had come into my room by mistake–” 

Christine: Oh! Fair. 

Em: “–maybe even on a dare.” 

Christine: Valid. On a dare? That’s a weird– 

Em: He was giving her every benefit of the doubt. 

Christine: He was. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Anything beyond “she’s dead.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: “But after a second, I registered that the woman seemed to lift off the floor a couple feet from me. 

Christine: Oh… 

Em: “She had her head tilted back and shrieked in pain–“ 

Christine: [gasps] 

[crowd gasps and cries out] 

Em: “–as she continued levitating.” 

Christine: That’s ter– Mm-mmm. 

Em: “I watched in horror as she descended back onto her feet and seemed to resume a calm expression.” So it’s like [fake screams]. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] In case you had trouble picturing. 

Em: In case I was– In case Timmy wasn’t a wordsmith. 

Christine: Yeah. [laughs] 

Em: “I was about–“ 

Christine: They’re friends with Timmy. You have to be careful. 

Em: [laughs] I don’t know where Timmy is in the world, so. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Timmy, you’re doing a great job so far. Uh– Oh, yeah. So she’s calm again. 

Christine: Right, right, right. 

Em: “I was about to ask if she was all right–” [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] No, obviously not. 

Em: “–when she lifted off the ground again and repeated the same process of screaming–“ 

Christine: [groans] 

Em: –and then coming back to the ground fine.” 

Christine: What? 

Em: “When she lifted again–“ 

Audience member: No! 

Em: He’s still in this fucking room? 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: He’s like, “It’s probably still truth or dare. She’s probably still playing truth or dare.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “That’s the only thing that makes sense.” 

Em: “Her friends are underneath her. Light as a feather. Light as a feather.” 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Em: Um, “I was about to ask if she was all right.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. She’s floating again. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: “I could tell she was being lifted up this time and being held by her neck as if there was an invisible rope wrapped around her throat.” 

[crowd gasping and crying out] 

Em: “This girl was being hanged over and over again–“ 

Christine: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 

Em: “–in my hotel room in Galveston.” 

Christine: No. 

Em: Was that a happy way to end it? Because the end! 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Goddamn! 

Em: I don’t know. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: [in a sing-song voice] We’re sorry. 

Christine: Thanks, Timmy. 

Em: Thanks, I guess, Timmy. 

Christine: Thanks. 

[glass clinks - start of ad break] 

[Rotating ads vary, for a full list of current podcast sponsors visit andthatswhywedrink.com/sponsors] 

[straw sucking bottom of glass - end of ad break] 

Christine’s Story – Lisa Nowak 

Christine: Hey guys, you ready for some crime? 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Oh, good. Okay, let’s settle in. 

Em: Settle in. Knuckle and buckle, bitches. 

Christine: Knuckle and buckle, baby. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Okay, you guys, I’ve got a wild one for you today. I’m excited about this one. 

Em: Oh, please tell me. 

Christine: This is actually Blaise’s suggestion, so thanks to Blaise. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Yeah. What a good boy. 

Em: Blaise surprises me all the time ’cause he seems so not into it, but he’s got all the info. 

Christine: Oh, he came at me in five seconds with this suggestion. This is the story of, uh, the astronaut Lisa Nowak. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Can you hit next? Em, can you hit next? 

Em: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was like, “I don’t know who that is.” 

Christine: There she is. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: You don’t know who she is? Wow. This is a wild story. I was hoping you didn’t know. Okay. 

Em: Well, [chuckles] you hoped right. 

Christine: Knuckle and buckle. We’re trying to make it a thing. Okay. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Lisa Nowak. 

[Audience member whoops] 

Christine: Don’t worry, I did it earlier. [laughs] [sighs] Okay. Lisa Nowak was born Lisa Marie Caputo in Rockville, Maryland on May 10th, 1963. Don’t worry, she comes to Houston later. Uh, when she was six, Lisa watched the Apollo moon landings and knew then that she wanted to be an astronaut. 

Em: Aw. Love it. 

Christine: Very sweet. As she grew up, she followed the Space Shuttle program, uh, particularly the introduction of female astronauts. 

Em: Whoo! 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Yeah. It’s just so weird to think that there was like an introduction [chuckles] of female astronauts. 

Em: Right. [chuckles] 

Christine: Okay. In– 

Em: A woman working? 

Christine: What? 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: In 1985, she received her bachelor’s in, uh, aerospace engineering from the United States Naval Academy. 

[audience member whoops] 

Christine: Same. 

Em: [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: I did the opposite of whatever that is. Uh, and then in 1987, she became a Naval Flight Officer before going on to earn both– Okay, bear with me ’cause I’m just gonna say a lot of words right now. 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: [sighs] A master’s in aeronautical engineering and a degree in aeronautical and astronautical engineering from the US Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Woo! 

Christine: She is a smart cookie. 

Em: She is a power woman. I love it. 

Christine: Okay. So in [makes gibberish sounds while searching for her place]– 

Audience member: Don’t love it! 

Christine: She– Shh. Come on! Don’t spoil it. She– [laughs] 

Em: Look, you know I don’t know what’s going to happen. 

Christine: I know. That’s true. [laughs] 

Em: Let me love it for five seconds. 

Christine: She– Okay. Okay. Blah-blah-blah. She received a number of awards while in the Navy and logged over 1,500 hours of flight in over 30 different aircrafts. Uh, in 1988, she married a man named Richard Nowak, who is a classmate at the US Naval Academy and an– uh, and Naval Flight School. Uh, and they had three children together. So in 1996, her childhood dreams came true, and she was selected by NASA to join the NASA Astronaut Corps at Johnson Space Center right here in Houston. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Whoo-oo! There it is. 

Christine: So cool. So cool. It is so cool. [laughs] I don’t have any better descriptor for it than that. [sighs] Just so cool. Like just a childhood dream of becoming an astronaut, and it happened. It’s just so cool. I don’t know. 

Em: No, I used to want to be an astronaut. 

Christine: Well, you also wanted to be a clown, but– 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: One of those things came true. 

Christine: Y-you did one of those things. [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: And it wasn’t get [chuckles] an aeronautical engineering degree. Oh boy. She went to space on July 4th, 2006, aka America’s birthday. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Uh, okay. So let’s rewind. So in 2003, Lisa’s best friend, fellow astronaut, Laurel Clark, uh, was killed in the Colombia– Oh. Oops! This gets sad. Was killed in the Columbia disaster of ’03. Um, and she actually helped to take care of Laurel’s family after her death and had that kind of heavy loss hanging over her in the years afterward for obvious reasons. Um, but so she’s gearing up for her own space mission in 2006, and it’s highly publicized: a) because of the Colombia tragedy; and b) uh, you know, because she’s a female astronaut, this is like a big deal in the media. Um, and her friend’s death is still, you know, kind of looming in her life and the pressure of raising her own children, plus helping raise Laurel’s child. Um, and so the stress basically, uh, according to psychologists, started getting to her, for lack of a better phrase. 

Em: Sure. 

Christine: Yes. So during this time, Lisa and her husband began having arguments so loud and terrible that neighbors started noticing. Uh, dishes were breaking. Uh, they were screaming. Safe to say the relationship was under tremendous strain. 

Em: Right, right, right. 

Christine: Things were not going well. And it’s around this time that Lisa meets fellow astronaut Captain Bill Oefelein. So uh-oh is right. [laughs] So they train together in, uh, Canada, Em’s homeland. 

[audience members whooping] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Whoo! And begin an affair. Uh– 

Em: Oh. 

Christine: Ooh, saucy. Um, Oefelein had just gotten divorced, but she was technically still married, although separated. Um, so to add, so to add all to the stress– Blep, that’s not words. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Listen, English isn’t my first language, so– 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: –sometimes, [laughs] sometimes I struggle with reading. Okay. 

Em: That’s fine. We love you. 

Christine: Mm, thank you. I love you, too. Okay, so add to– Oh, okay. I get what I was going for. So add to all of her stress this affair, right, she’s having. Um, and the two of them are technically together for about two years before Oefelein kind of started to distance himself and break it off with her. So Oefelein, who, by the way, [chuckles] calls himself “Billy-O”. 

[crowd grumbles, some booing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Oh. 

Christine: Woo-hoo! [sighs] Yep. Was at a house party in Orlando in November, uh, when he meets an attractive single 29-year-old Air Force captain named Colleen Shipman. So they form an instant connection and fall for each other, and when Billy goes to space the next month, Colleen is at the launch pad with his family to see him off. Uh, he brings, uh, with him in space a picture of her, uh, a charm necklace, her charm necklace. 

Em: Mm! 

Christine: Uh, he’s like totally smitten with her. While he’s in space, he actually calls her and leaves a voicemail. 

Em: That’s romantic as shit. 

Christine: I know. And she was like interviewed, and she, [laughs] she was like, “Yeah, the phone ra–“ This is so me. She’s like, “The phone rang, and I didn’t recognize the number, so I was like, ‘I’m not answering that.’” 

[crowd gasping] 

Em: Guys, all those numbers we’re all ignoring right now might be from space. 

Christine: It’s space calling. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: So he literally called her from space, which I was like, “Ooh! You can’t beat that.” 

Em: No. 

Christine: Like you literally can’t beat that. Okay. Um, hm. Where were we? Okay. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: We were romanticizing this phone call from space. Right. Okay. So duh-duh-duh-duh. He calls or leaves a voicemail– Ac– They play– It, it was good she didn’t answer because they could play the voicemail in the– It was cool to hear it, like a voicemail from space. 

Em: Does it say like, “I’m in space”? [chuckles] 

Christine: Yeah. Well, no. 

Em: “Hey, you know, I’m just pit stop, pit stop at Mars.” 

Christine: Yeah, that’s how space works, I think. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] Um, so okay. Also while he’s in space– which I didn’t know this was a thing. They were exchanging racy emails. 

Em: [gasps] 

[crowd gasps and oohs] 

Christine: You can do that in space. 

Em: I love this story, by the way. It’s– 

Christine: Now I want to be an astronaut. This is cool. 

Em: Maybe that’s kind of why I wanted to be an astronaut. I had– There was some whimsy to it. I didn’t even– 

Christine: I sure hope not. 

Em: Oh, wait. No, not in a– Just keep going. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: I did– I meant– 

Christine: Are you sure you don’t–? 

Em: –just emailing in general from space. 

Christine: You can explain it if you want. 

Em: I don’t– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: I mean, it’s fine. Never mind. 

Christine: Okay. Anyway, they’re completely in love. Leave it to humans to be like sexting each other in space. Oh, there he is. Wait, don’t go yet. There’s other things I want to say first. There’s Billy-O. Look at him. ‘Kay, nobody’s liking Billy-O. Okay. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: So they’re completely in love, blah– yada-yada-yada. But there is a slight problem. Lisa, as far as we can tell, was still in the picture, which is maybe why nobody likes Billy-O. Uh, it is unclear whether he broke up with her before or after his space mission. Um, but I’ll tell you what we do know, and that is that during this time, she writes a letter to Billy’s parents saying, “I love him more than I knew possible. Thank you for being there for me and us.” So at the very least, we know she took the relationship very seriously. She was in contact with, uh, his parents. So seemingly, things are a little iffy as to the timeline of this. 

Em: I see. I see. 

Christine: Then, at some point, while Billy-O’s still in space, Lisa, uh, who had a key to Billy’s apartment, lets herself in. Uh, she goes through his computer and stumbles upon these so-called racy emails between him and Colleen. 

Em: More like spacey emails. 

Christine: Oh my god. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: I quit. 

Em: My kids are gonna hate me. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yeah. And I want to take a quick moment [chuckles] to address– 

Audience member: Uranus? 

Christine: –Uranus. No. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: [laughs] I didn’t know where we were going. 

Christine: Ah! I would like to take a moment to address, uh, a multitude (I couldn’t include them all here)– just a multitude of fun phrases people sent me. Number one is obviously, “Let me see Uranus.” That– I got that a lot in the submissions. Number two, “Can I dock my rocket at your space station?” 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: And arguably the most uncomfortable one of all, [chuckles] “I want to explore your black hole.” 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: You guys are so dirty. 

Em: I– And also a couple days ago, another one of our “And That’s Why We Draws”– or Christine’s was, uh, “1800’s dick pic.“ 

Christine: Dick pic. 

Em: So like we have just been flooded with peen lately. 

Christine: Yeah. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: It’s a lot– Poor Eva. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: She did not know that was like a, a job descriptor. 

Christine: No. The fact that we often say to her, “[chuckles] Don’t sue us someday. We’re joking, but we’re not joking.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: It’s really concerning. 

Em: That’s true. Like, uh, “Please just keep everything a secret.” No, I’m just kidding. [laughs] 

Christine: Okay, so she stumbles upon these racy emails, and she also stumbles upon a flight itinerary. It– “Stumbles upon.” She’s literally going through his emails. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Oh, so she’s still digging through his emails. 

Christine: Oh, yes. Yes. 

Em: I see. Okay. Yes. 

Christine: Between the Uranus thing, I know we got lost, but yes, she’s still in the apartment, looking through his emails. So it turns out Billy and Colleen had a romantic weekend in Houston planned. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: It’s the most romantic place I’ve heard. Uh, it was on that trip that Billy told Colleen he loved her, although he also did another thing. While they were in the throes of passion, he called her Lisa. 

[crowd gasping] 

Em: Oh no. Oh no. [chuckles] 

Christine: But Colleen has no clue who Lisa is, so at that point, she’s like, “That’s weird. Is that your ex?” And he’s like, “Yeah, sorry.” And then they brush it off. 

Em: Oh my gosh. 

Christine: This is just like spiraling into chaos, this story, right? Okay. So she doesn’t know who Lisa is, right? So she’s like, “Oh, that wasn’t good, but, you know, we’re gonna move past it,” ’cause they are in love. So soon after that, um, he tells Colleen, “You know what? I had a talk with Lisa. Um, I told her we’re better off as friends, and I’m going to be exclusive with you, Colleen.” And so, uh, he’s like, “She took that really well. Don’t worry, we’re done.” That was not the case. He– Billy-O was full of baloney. Uh– 

Em: Sounds like it. 

Christine: Yeah. Yeah. [sighs] It didn’t help that right around this time, uh, Lisa and her husband officially filed for divorce. Uh, so Lisa finds out right as she and her husband are divorcing that Billy is going to leave her for Colleen exclusively. Um, and she really handles it the opposite of well. 

Em: Oh boy. 

Christine: Which I guess is just bad. I don’t know. 

Em: I think that’s the definition, yeah. 

Christine: Sure. So Lisa– This is where we get into it. So Lisa drives from Houston to Orlando International Airport. Um– 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: At the time of these notes, uh, which was– I don’t know, two weeks ago? I didn’t write it down, so I don’t know why I decided to tell you “at the time of these notes,” it sounded fancy. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: At the time of these notes, the distance was 13 hours and 38 minutes from Houston to Orlando. So she drove that entire distance, uh, in one go. 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: February 4th through 5th, 2007, um, and this is a 900 mile trip. So– 

Em: Oh my god. 

Christine: –a very long drive. 

Audience member: She wore a diaper! 

Christine: Yes. All right. Let’s not, let’s not shout about the story ’cause I’m telling it. Okay. 

Em: [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: So [laughs] with– Okay. With her– If you don’t think I’m gonna include that, then, I mean, come on. You have no faith in me. Okay, so with her, she has– Ready? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Latex gloves– 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: –a black wig, uh, a gun with ammunition, uh, pepper spray, a hooded tan trench coat, a two pound drilling hammer, black gloves, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags, approximately $585 in cash US– 

Em: Ooh. 

Christine: –uh, her computer, an eight inch folding knife, and Colleen’s flight information, as well as directions to her house. 

Em: Oh my god. So a full-blown kit. 

Christine: Yeah, like a little bit overboard kit. Like not even– 

Em: Right. Like anything can happen kit. 

Christine: More than the essentials. 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: So– 

Em: So she’s committed. 

Christine: It’s rough. 

Em: Got it. 

Christine: She gets to Orlando International Airport. Uh, the flight is supposed to land at 1:00 a.m. She waits for about an hour in the baggage claim, watching as Colleen waits for her bag. Oh, by the way, this is on security footage. It’s very creepy. You can see her like behind a pole– 

Em: Ew. 

Christine: –watching Colleen wait for her bag. It’s very, very, very disturbing. 

Em: Oh no. 

Christine: Yeah. And then you see her go into the bathroom of the airport and change into a disguise, which was her trench coat and the wig she brought. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] I don’t know why– 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: It– I guess it’s funny. I don’t know. And she follows, uh– she follows Colleen onto the shuttle to the airport parking garage. And remember, it’s like two in the morning at this point, so very dark out. Um, and by this point, Colleen has actually noticed her. So she’s like, “Someone’s following me. Uh, this woman, you know, is eyeing me.” And then as they get to the actual parking lot, uh, Lisa follows her off the shuttle, and the shuttle drives away, and Colleen is like, “Oh, fuck.” 

Em: Like she’s definitely following. 

Christine: “We’re in this parking lot alone now.” So Colleen starts walking to her car, uh, faster and faster. She starts basically running, manages to jump in the driver’s seat. Um, and at the second she shuts the door, Lisa appears and begins to bang on the window and pull on the handle. So she literally jumped– 

Em: Ooh. [sighs] 

Christine: It– Like the nightmare version of this being– 

Em: Right. 

Christine: –chased down and– So she managed to get herself into the car. Um, keep in mind, Colleen still has no clue who this person is, right? So she’s like, “This person–“ 

Em: Right, just a random woman. 

Christine: Right. She’s just a random woman. You know, she must be troubled, or I– Like I– There’s no reason– no godly reason why this woman should be following her. Um, so Lisa is slapping on the window, trying to open the car door, and then she kind of changes her tune. Um, and she starts asking for a ride and crying and saying like, “I don’t have– Like I need help. I need help.” You know? 

Em: Got it. 

Christine: And so Colleen like rolls the window down a crack to be like, “Are you in trouble? Do you need me to call somebody?” And the second the window’s rolled down a couple inches, Lisa pulls out her pepper spray and sprays Colleen directly in the face through the window. 

Em: Alright. 

Christine: [sighs] This is rough, man. Okay. So somehow Colleen manages to put the car in drive um– 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: –and like kind of drive to the main area where she sees a bus driver and is yelling for help. Um, and so this bus driver runs over. Uh, he calls the police from his shuttle. Um, and when the police arrive, they find Lisa stuffing, uh, her trench coat and wig into a trash can. 

Em: Oh, that’s not sketchy. 

Christine: Very subtle. [chuckles] Uh, and her loaded BB gun, she was also like dumping into a dumpster. So Lisa is obviously arrested on charges of attempted kidnapping, battery, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, and destruction of evidence for that trench coat she was sh– [laughs] shoving into the trash can. [sighs] Oh boy. So she goes to airport jail. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Sounds like she should. [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah. [laughs] And she’s actually, fun fact– 

Em: Whoo! 

Crowd: Drink! 

Em: I love a good fun fact. 

Christine: –the first US astronaut ever to be arrested– 

Em: Well, good for her. 

Christine: –let alone for a felony. So obviously, the media immediately jumps on this, right? So virtually instantly, you know, she’s this disgraced astronaut. She’s this y-young, beautiful woman. Like, this is just– They’re– The media is eating this up. Um, so police make the connection pretty quickly between Colleen and Lisa, um, and that connection is Billy-O– 

Em: Right. [chuckles] 

Christine: –in case, in case you weren’t following. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: I was like, “Wait, what was it again?” Oh, yeah. Billy-O. Um, and Colleen’s like, “Oh, I’ve been dating him for three months.” Uh, and meanwhile, Lisa admits that she had been involved with him as well, but she’s kind of playing it as like, “Oh, yeah, like I knew him.” And they were like, “You can’t really– Like you’re literally spraying his girlfriend in the face with pepper spray.” 

Em: Right, right. “Um, I’m familiar.” [laughs] 

Christine: Like– [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: –you’re wearing a wig. [laughs] 

Em: Right. 

Christine: I don’t know. 

Em: “I’m not saying I know much. I’m just saying I know some.” [in a nasal, girly voice] It’s just funny. 

Crowd: Drink! 

Christine: It’s just a coincidence. Um, so she admits that she knows Billy-O, um, but she says she had no plan. Like she didn’t plan this out. All she wanted was for Colleen to talk to her. Uh, she– It’s not very convincing. I mean, after that kit– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: They literally found that whole kit and caboodle in her car. 

Em: Right. 

Christine: Um, there’s actually a transcript of her interview, uh, with the airport police where she explains that she pepper-sprayed Colleen because she just wanted her to sit still. 

Em: Oh my god. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: That’s just so disturbing. 

Em: That’s just the worst. 

Christine: Oh! [laughs] Ooh boy. [laughs] “Oh, well, in that case.” I mean, what? Okay. 

Em: Like, what are they supposed to say? “Oh, that makes sense.” 

Christine: “Oh, we didn’t know. Okay.” But anyway, the stuff in her car obviously says otherwise. Um, anyway, she also had a precise trip log, uh, a receipt using an alias, uh, a map of the airport, a shuttle bus schedule, and a handdrawn diagram of Colleen’s neighborhood. So [chuckles] there’s like no talking your way out of this basically. Woof. Okay, so– [laughs] 

Em: Sorry. Keep going. 

Christine: I know. It’s just a lot. I’m sorry. 

Em: I’m just– I, I really like– The–This story started with me really respecting her. It’s just– 

Christine: It’s just– I know it’s a lot. I know it’s a lot. 

Em: –taking a total turn. 

Christine: So only seven months after her space mission, Lisa Nowak spends her first night in jail. Uh, she pleads not guilty and is released into protective custody of actually a pair of astronauts sent by NASA. Um– 

Em: What? 

Christine: They sent– ’Cause, you know, she’s like part of the government– 

Em: Right. 

Christine: –so they send two– 

Em: Oh, yeah. 

Christine: –two NASA astronauts. Okay. [laughs] 

Em: So weird. 

Christine: It made sense on TV. [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: I mean, I believe you. 

Christine: I just feel like– I don’t know. 

Em: At this point, I’m believing anything you’re saying, so. 

Christine: Everything sounds dumber when I say it out loud. [laughs] Oh boy. Thanks for coming here, guys. 

Em: [laughs] 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [sighs] Oh, that was the most lukewarm applause I ever heard. Okay. 

Em: [laughs] 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Thank you. [laughs] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pander, except I did. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Okay. So duh-duh-duh. Meanwhile, Colleen receives a military order forbidding her– So Colleen, the one who was attacked, uh, receives a military order forbidding her from contacting Billy. Uh, so she couldn’t see him for two weeks after the incident. And one of the most famous aspects of this case that everyone wants me to talk about, that Em doesn’t know, but everyone knows, is the fact that police said Lisa wore adult diapers the whole drive. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And that is– 

Em: I mean, that’s not, that’s not funny. That’s not funny. 

Christine: And that is what she became famous for. She became uh– Presumably so she didn’t have to take any pit stops. Um, you know, she drove the whole 13 hours. 

Em: Oh, that makes it funny. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: I thought she had like an actual– 

Christine: No. 

Em: That, that was not gonna be funny. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Oh my god, Em. 

Em: But– Okay again, dedicated. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: Yeah. I mean– 

Em: Gross but dedicated. 

Christine: You can call her a lot of things, but– 

Em: [laughs] That’s true. 

Christine: –you can’t call her not dedicate– whatever the opposite of dedicated is. Yikes. Okay. Um, stick to the notes, Christine. Okay. So it became national news, okay, that the police said there were diapers in her car. Um, she became a laughingstock. Every late night show, you know, is making fun of her. Uh, despite herself– She would deny the allegations, but the media was like, “Fucking hell, we don’t care.“ 

Em: Right. 

Christine: “Like this is great. This is gold.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: So a retired astronaut named Susan Kilrain does confirm that astronauts use adult diapers during training, so it stands to reason that it is something she would know to do and might have actually done. 

Em: Got it. 

Christine: But Lisa’s lawyer said, surprise, that the diapers found in her car were for her kids. So– 

Em: Huh. 

Christine: –up to you. Uh, the police actually did not have any diapers in evidence, but there is a mention in an affidavit that Lisa admitted she urinated in diapers so she did not need to stop on her way to Orlando. So I think that’s pretty telling– 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: –as far as I’m concerned. I was willing to hear her out, but after I heard that she literally admitted to it while in police custody, I was like, “Well– 

Em: Right. 

Christine: “–why would you say that?” 

Em: Right, right, right. 

Christine: Alright. So that’s the famous part. Right. 

Em: I hear you. I hear you. 

Christine: Either way, uh, this did not stop the media from going absolutely ballistic. Um, Lisa’s attorney pursued a defense of temporary insanity on a reduced charge of attempted kidnapping. And when Lisa finally spoke publicly, she apologized to Colleen and asked the media to stop invading her life. She also made a court-ordered apology to Colleen during the trial. Um, and because it was court-ordered, it didn’t strike anyone as particularly sincere, so. 

Em: Right, right. 

Christine: Colleen herself was like, “Yeah, it was really uncomfortable, and nobody bought it.” So there’s that. Uh, Lisa did plead guilty to burglary and battery and was let off relatively easy with two days in Orange County jail, which [chuckles] I imagine is pretty nice. Like– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: –as far as jails go, Orange County Jail, you know. 

Em: Right. 

Christine: And one year of supervised probation. So NASA ended her career as an astronaut. 

Em: Did they? Why? 

Christine: Uhh. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: You know, they sent those two astronauts– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: –but that wasn’t enough, I guess. Um, and a naval administrative panel of three admirals voted to recommend she be separated from the US Navy with an [chuckles] “other than honorable discharge”– 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: –and that her rank be reduced from captain to commander, although she still received the full pay and benefits of the commander rank. 

Em: Oh my gosh. 

Christine: So Bill, Billy-O, you know our friend, you know him. 

Em: I remember him, Billy-O. 

Christine: Remember? He retired in ’08. Um, and only a month after the crime, uh, Colleen’s commander told her – this is actually very sad – that she was no longer qualified to work in her position, um, and was relegated basically to secretarial duties for the rest of her career, which is just– 

[crowd groaning sympathetically] 

Em: Oh… 

Christine: –like– 

Em: Oh no. 

Christine: ’Cause they were like, you know, she was stirring up too much drama in the media and– 

Em: That’s rough. 

Christine: And it was kind of terrible ’cause, you know, um, Lisa got so much, obviously, media attention, but Colleen was never– Nobody ever thought about her in this whole situation. 

Em: Right. Right. 

Christine: So it’s a little messed up. Um, however, some good news [Christine makes a questioning noise] maybe did come out of this: uh, Colleen and Billy-O moved to his home state of Alaska, and the two of them got married– [chuckles] 

Em: Oh, goody. 

Christine: [laughs] [sighs] –and are still together to this day with a son named Junior. So that’s cute. 

Em: Oh! That’s a lucky kid. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: [sighs] So Nowak herself, she’s now 54. Um, she has all but vanished from public life. Her oldest son just turned 25. Her twin daughters are now 16. She lives in a modest home in Texas and works in the private sector now. Um, she does not give interviews, so don’t even try. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: And she has tried to put the past behind her. Uh, despite the tough times in her past, her attorney says that she is in a better place and is doing well, but– 

Em: Alright. 

Christine: –it is a mystery as to what’s actually happening. Uh, in 2018– Um, can you hit next? That– There’s Natalie Portman. In 2018– 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: –pre– 

Em: I was like, “She looks familiar.” 

Christine: [laughs] [sighs] –pre-production began on a film called Lucy in the Sky based on the events of the Lisa Nowak case– 

[crowd members shouting indecipherably] 

Christine: –uh, which– new, new news, uh, with Natalie Portman expected to star as Lucy Cola, which is a fish– fictionalized version of Lisa Nowak. 

Em: Ooh! 

Christine: Yeah. And so that’s going to come out soon, so we can all go see that together. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: That’ll be fun. And that is the story of Houston’s Lisa Nowak! 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Whoo! Thank you, guys. Oh, I got a standing O! [laughs] 

Em: Alright. 

Christine: Thank you. 

Em: Oh my goodness. 

Christine: Whoo. I– 

Em: Thank you, guys. 

Christine: I will say, I was very nervous to cover that one. I didn’t know how like– what like local sentiment was, and I know there’s a lot of drama around it, and it’s more recent than usually what I do. So thank you for bearing with me, and– 

[audience members whooping] 

Em: I like it. 

Christine: –hearing me out. Thank you. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Uh, thank you guys so much for having us, [questioning tone] Houston. 

Christine: Yeah! 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: You looked at me like I said the wrong city, and I was like, “Oh, shit.” 

Christine: No. No, I’m done. I’m coasting. I’m just watching. 

Em: Um, well, I– We do have one more thing for you, but before I do that, I do want to say that I am very grateful for that, you guys. 

[music faintly starts to play] 

Christine: Oh, I love this song. 

Em: What’s going on? 

Christine: Em, I wrote you that song. 

Em: That wasn’t the thing I had planned. 

[crowd laughing] 

Em: Um, no, I just want to say thank you for having us. And I mean, in the last two years, it’s been– 

Christine: A whirlwind. 

Em: –a whirlwind, and the– In two days is our– the anniversary of me asking Christine to start a podcast with me. 

[crowd cheering] 

Christine: Um, I mean, to be fair, I said no at first. 

[crowd laughing] 

Christine: But then Blaise said, “Mm, you should probably rethink that.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And I said, “Yeah.” L– Ultimately, I made the right choice, so. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So, uh, it’s been a very, very, very wild last two years, but I– Because you guys care so much about us, we’re able to do this, and it means a lot. 

Christine: Yeah, thank you, guys. 

Em: So thank you. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: Thank you so much. 

[crowd cheering] 

Em: And that’s why we drink! 

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