E464 Cats at Holidays Parties and Movie Magic Milkshakes - Live Show at the Hollywood Improv, Los Angeles, CA

TOPICS: PANTAGES THEATRE, CLARA PHILLIPS AKA THE TIGER WOMAN

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Happy Holidays, Boozers and Shakers! It's episode 464 and, boy, are our arms tired! No, seriously, we're so sorry for the impromptu live show but we needed a little holiday downtime this week. In the meantime, please enjoy our second ever live show at the Hollywood Improv, where we do some cute nervous breathing exercises. First Em dishes on the ghosts of the iconic Hollywood Pantages Theater and then Christine covers the case of Clara Phillips aka the Tiger Woman. And everyone please tell us, one-by-one, why you drink... and that's why we drink!

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Transcript

[intro music]

[“Pony” by Ginuwine cuts out as Christine begins to talk] 

Christine: Is that not the best walk out song of all time? [laughs] 

Em: We, we specifically requested "Pony”, so. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] We heard a comedian use it earlier, and we were like, [chuckles] “Oh my god, why did we not think of that?” 

Em: Yeah, it was– 

Christine: So we stole it. It’s ours now. 

Em: –it was between that and– 

Christine: Um– 

Em: –“Yeah.” 

Christine: “Yeah” by Usher. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: So. 

Em: You know what this means? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Um– 

Christine: This– We might do a remix. We’ll see. 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: Hi guys! 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: Oh my god, I’m so happy we’re back. We did our first show here last month, and then we did a show in Irvine, and now we’re back. And now it’s our third show, so we’re professionals. Right, Em? 

Em: Uh-huh-huh. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Yep. 

Christine: Yeah. Yes. You can tell that. 

Em: Um, but we were as equally nervous upstairs. We were like sprawled out on the couches, like hyperventilating to be down here. So– 

Christine: Mm, yeah, they– 

Em: In a good way, in a good way. 

Christine: Yeah, the employees love that when we just sprawl around– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: –and hyperventilate on their furniture. 

Em: Well, poor Eva had to deal with us like zen breathing but not in a cute way. Like– [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] No, it wasn’t cute. It really wasn’t. 

Em: Um, did anyone come to the first show here? 

[scattered whoops from the audience] 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: Some people. 

Christine: So– Okay, wait. So whose like first show of ours ever is this? 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: [laughs] Wow. Oh boy. 

Em: You got a better response than me. 

Christine: Oh my. Okay. [chuckles] 

Em: Um, alright. 

Christine: Oh, that’s a lot of people. [chuckles] Well, you’re in for a real weird night. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] So uh, why do you drink? 

Christine: Me? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Oh, I thought we were asking everybody. 

Em: Oh. Yeah, one by one. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: One by one, raise your hand. Okay. Here, here, here, here. Now, I really racked my brain for this one. At first, I was like, “Oh, I’ll probably tell you about, um, how I almost broke my foot trying to hang a curtain after, um, a couple glasses of wine.” And then I was like, “No, that’s pretty cliche.” So then I was like, “What if I tell you about how Gio ran into the road–” 

Em: Oh, that’s a good one. 

Christine: “–last night and the night before–“ 

Em: Wait, again? 

Christine: “Twice.” 

Em: Oh! [laughs] 

Christine: “And I didn’t notice ’cause I was asleep on the couch. He somehow got out and just barked at the window until I noticed and saw him running around the front yard.” Um, I could tell you about that, but I won’t. 

Em: Oh. 

Christine: Too late. But, uh– [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] That was quite a tease. 

Christine: Instead, I’m gonna tell you this fun thing, which is just the most tragic news of all. Um, so Blaise and I got, uh– So we got a cat recently. Um, his name is Juniper, and um, we bought him a leash today. 

[scattered laughs from the audience] 

Christine: [chuckles] We put a harness on him and– 

Em: Did you take him outside? 

Christine: –we walked him in the backyard, and I immediately thought, “Oh no. I am that person.” 

Em: Well, hang, hang on. Hang on. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Here’s the most psychopathic thing about that– 

Christine: Oh, tell me, please. 

Em: –is that she got a leash for a cat to take him outside– 

Christine: Uh-huh? 

Em: –when she already has [chuckles] an outdoor l– mesh cage for the cat– 

Christine: Alright. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –so he can already run outside without a leash. You’re kind of going backwards and forwards at the same time. 

Christine: I want to give him options. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: We, we recently– What was the– We had a party. Oh, yeah! Allison threw us a surprise party. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Jesus. 

Christine: Yeah. Thanks, Allison. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] No, we had a party. There was a bunch of people, and they’re like, “What’s that thing in the corner?” 

Christine: “Oh, it’s–“ 

Em: We were like, “Oh, that’s where the cat goes outside–” 

Christine: [laughs] “It’s Juniper’s outdoor–“ 

Em: “–in case he wants to join–“ 

Christine: “–jungle gym.” [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Okay. I’m sorry. I just realized I was one of those people, and I had to like have a mor– a moment of mourning for the times when I wasn’t like a cat person– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –and now I am. So it’s too late for me. So why do you drink this week? [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Uh, I– 

Christine: I don’t know if you can top that though. 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: That was pretty dark. 

Em: Oh, I, I drink because this morning I was in New York. 

Christine: Oh boy. 

Em: Well, this week– this weekend– 

Christine: Boy, are your arms tired. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I– 

Em: We’ve had four live shows, and that joke’s been used twice already. 

Christine: I– [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And I regret nothing. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Um, this weekend I was in Massachusetts, Chicago, and New York. 

Christine: Mm, that’s really awful. 

Em: And I woke up today at 2:30 in the morning this– in California time– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: –to get here. And I’ve been traveling for ten hours? And I uh have a sore throat from traveling– 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –so everyone should feel bad for me. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I was like, “You’re guilting everybody.” It’s a little bit kind of awful. 

Em: Well, I just wanted to– Those are all the reasons I drink. I didn’t want to pick one, so. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well– 

Em: Anyway, so I– Eva has– I’m just gonna spread the secret here. This is supposed to be a milkshake– 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: –but Eva has masked it. It’s actually a smoothie to make me feel better, so– 

Audience: Aw… 

Christine: It was actually– She’s like, “I brought, um, an In-N-Out cup to make it look like a milkshake.” We were like, “You’re the be–“ Like– 

Em: To fool you all. 

Christine: We don’t deserve you, Eva. 

Em: Yes. 

Christine: We don’t. 

Em: So here’s movie magic. It’s actually a smoothie. So– 

Christine: You never would have known. 

Em: That being said, [dramatic pause] I have a ghost story. 

Christine: Oh man. 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience cheering and clapping] 

Christine: I got real nervous. 

Em: What’d you think I was gonna say? 

Christine: I don’t know. I got real nervous. 

Em: “That being said, I’m done. Let’s go home.” 

Christine: Uh-oh. [chuckles] 

[glass clinks - start of ad break] 

[Rotating ads vary, for a full list of current podcast sponsors visit andthatswhywedrink.com/sponsors] 

[straw sucking bottom of glass - end of ad break] 

Em’s Story – The Hollywood Pantages Theatre 

Em: Let’s see, let’s see– 

Christine: Let’s see if this laser pointer works. 

Em: Let’s, let’s hope this works ’cause we didn’t try it– 

Christine: Oop. 

Em: –first. 

Christine: Oop. 

Em: Oops. 

Em and Christine: [cheer] Ayy! 

[audience cheering] 

Em: Okay, so we have a drinking game. 

Christine: [chuckles] Yeah, you guys, we have a drinking game. I actually love that this is mostly new people who haven’t participated. 

Em: Yeah, I was– I asked who has been here before ’cause I didn’t know if you guys knew the rules yet, so. Um, alright, so basically– 

Christine: Alright, write this down. This is important. 

Em: Basically, you’re just gonna get really drunk, so– 

Christine: Sorry. 

[scattered whoops from the audience] 

Em: Uh, anytime Christine gasps– 

Christine: It’s not gonna happen. 

Em: –anytime I clear my throat, my sore poor, poor throat– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –uh, “listen,” “bee-boop-bop,” any reference to sweet baby G– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –and– 

Christine: Too late. I already did that like eight times. [chuckles] 

Em: –and any reference to sweating profusely, which we should have started doing a half an hour ago, so. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles] I sort of feel like slightly targeted by these, but it’s fine. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] Um, I do this every time, so you do “drink twice.” 

Christine: Oh, oh, oh, okay. I didn’t even make this game, but I’ll pretend like I– 

Em: Yep. 

Christine: –came up with it. 

Em: Just say hello. 

Christine: I’m a professional. Okay. So you have to drink twice if we say “Hello–“ 

Audience: “Fresh!” 

Christine: Oh, thank god. Okay. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: I always get super nervous that people’ll be like, “Hello?” 

Em: Yeah, the last time I said “Hello–“ and there was quite a pause, and I was like– 

Christine: [chuckles] We were like– 

Em: “Read it on– At least read it.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: We were like, “They probably bought tickets to the wrong show.” 

Em: [laughs] They’re like, “Hi, hello.” 

Christine: Uh, okay. “English isn’t my first language,” but it really isn’t so I don’t know why we’re like commenting– 

Em: Attacking you? 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: ‘Cause it’s easy. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Uh, Sassy the Clown, talking about– 

Em: It’s easy, so. 

Christine: –a– uh easy targets. A– 

Em: Anytime we tell Eva what to do. 

Christine: Yeah, Eva, write that down. 

Em: Which we’ve already done– I think we already fired her three times today. 

Christine: We did. 

Em: So– 

Christine: We did, and then we rehired her. 

Em: But she bounces back. 

Christine: She does, she does. 

Em: She’s good, so. 

Christine: It’s good. It’s all good. 

Em: Um… All right. So who wants a– 

Christine: Oh, that’s the name of our show. 

Em: –ghost story? [laughs] 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: It’s called And That’s Why We Drink. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Yep. We never say it, so sometimes– 

Em: Alright. Okay. We’ll, we’ll, we’ll say it a couple times, I’m sure– 

Christine: ‘kay. 

Em: –during the show. Alright, here’s my story, guys. 

Christine: Oh! 

[audience cheering] 

Em: Who has heard of the Pantages Theatre? 

[audience cheering] 

Em: You should. 

Christine: I have. 

Em: Congratulations. 

Christine: Thank you. 

Em: It– I tried to find something relatively local, so it is 11 blocks north and 38 blocks east. I think that’s pretty local. 

Christine: That’s like super specific. 

Em: I google-mapped it and then counted the blocks, so. 

Christine: Okay, I was about to say that’s not like an increment measure on Google Maps, I don’t think. [chuckles] 

Em: It’s uh 12 minutes away from here, so I thought that was pretty local. 

Christine: I don’t know why you counted the blocks. That’s pretty weird. 

Em: I like to prove to people that I do some research relatively. 

Christine: Oh, you count things. Okay. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Got it. 

Em: Um, also, this is gonna be a fun game for everyone. I know y– 

Christine: Uh-oh. 

Em: I know you came here to see me really do this on a whim, so that’s what you’re gonna get because I did these before this weekend when I had this big trip, so I don’t really remember much of the story. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So– 

Christine: Great. 

Em: There are gonna be a few times where even I’m like, “Whoa!” 

Christine: Those are actually my favorite Em stories when we’re both surprised together. 

Em: [chuckles] I’m like, “Even I don’t believe it.” 

Christine: That is the fun– 

Em: “Who did these notes?” Okay. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: “What is– Christine, can you believe it?” 

Em: Eva did ‘em. Eva did ‘em. 

Christine: Eva. 

Em: So alright, let’s crack into it? 

Christine: Oh man. 

Em: All right. 

Christine: You’re like reappropriating that phrase that you stopped using for a year. 

Em: I tell myself I’m never gonna use it, but it’s, it’s the cross I bear, so. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Alright. There’s a pretty picture of it. 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: Start you out happy, you know. 

Christine: Oh my, it’s so beautiful. 

Em: Let you know what it looks like currently. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: All right. Here’s a little fun fact/history for you. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: All right– 

Christine: I’m repositioning. Don’t mind me. 

Em: Okay, I’ll wait. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: There we go. 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: Sorry. 

Em: You get like the whole table? If– I’m sorry. I’m just– You really just took over. 

Christine: Sorry. 

Em: I’ll just stay out here. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So it is considered one of the most beautiful theaters in the world. It is 110 feet wide – just the lobby, by the way – 110 feet wide, 60 feet deep, three “crand” – grand, not “crand” – three grand chandeliers, two 20-foot-wide staircases, grand balconies, and an orchestra pit. 

Christine: That’s really– 

Em: So like I have that in my house, so like it’s not a big deal. 

Christine: That’s like so dramatic. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Downstairs uh in the powder rooms and in the women– 

Christine: The powder rooms? 

Em: –and the women’s lounge– 

Christine: Oh, sure. 

Em: So several “louns,” except just two– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –because apparently back then, there were only two genders. So– 

Christine: Ugh, god. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: But the women’s one was decorated with black leather walls. Again– 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: –in my house, so. 

Christine: Talk about a classy powder room. 

Em: They just ripped me off. So– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –uh, it was actually the last theater that vaudeville and film producer Alexander Pantages built for his 80-theatre circuit. So he had 80 of these guys. 

Christine: Jesus. Wait, what year was this? Did we already say that? 

Em: Mm-mmm. 

Christine: Oh, alright. 

Em: We’re getting there. 

Christine: Sorry, I’m jumping ahead. 

Em: Uh, this particular building, when he first built it, cost $1.25 million then, which was the ‘30s to answer your question. 

Christine: Oh, there we go. 

Em: So the reason your birthday got mentioned is because the Pantages Theatre was opened June 4, your birthday, 1930. 

Christine: Wow. 

Em: It had 2,812 seats, and it used to show films and popular musical skits. 

Christine: Musical skits? 

Em: Just skits. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Not like a full show. 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: Not like a full shebang, just like a skit. 

Christine: Sure. 

Em: Um, I don’t know why that’s funny. 

Christine: I mean, I– It’s not funny. I just don’t know what it means. 

Em: Me either. 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: So there it is in the olden days. 

Christine: Oh, Clive Brook, yeah. Good. 

Em: And in 1929, we’re still– 

Christine: Mickey Mouse! [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Wow. 

Em: I, I didn’t read this. 

Christine: I’m gonna be honest. Our stories have some crossover today, Em. I don’t know– You don’t even know it, but we have some crossover. 

Em: I don’t even know how Mickey Mouse is involved in a serial killer, but I’m excited to find out. 

Christine: A serial killer? Oh, mine. 

Em: I just assume. 

Christine: I thought you meant yours. I was like, “You’re stealing my–?” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “That’s my half.” 

Em: No, no, no. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: We’ll, we’ll find out. 

Christine: I’ll for– I’ll for– 

Em: To be determined. So– 

Christine: I’ll forgive you. 

Em: In 1929, uh, the year before the market had crashed, and so plans for ten more floors of office space above the theater were discontinued, but it was supposed to be even more massive and– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: –prestigious than it already was. Um, Alexander Pantages was accused of assaulting one of the dancers– 

Christine: What a dick. 

Em: –named Eunice Pringle. 

Christine: Eunice Pringle? 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I’m sorry. That was really distracting. That’s her name? [laughs] 

Em: Every time I say “Eunice,” I just think of She’s the Man. I’m like, [in a whispered shout] “Eunice! Eunice!” 

Christine: W-Wasn’t that the name in Courage the Cowardly Dog? 

Em: Oh, yeah, that was the, um– 

Christine: The grandma. 

Em: –the grandma. Yeah. 

Christine: No, Eustace. 

Em: Eustace. 

Christine: You’re right. Eustace. 

Em: See? She knows. 

Christine: You know what? I don’t know anything. Sorry. I’m, I’m treading on your, your story. I’m sorry. 

Em: No, I’m– 

Christine: Eunice– 

Em: You’re only enhancing it. 

Christine: Eunice Pringles. 

Em: So wow. Okay. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So William Randolph Hearst– Mm… 

Christine: Mm. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So in the LA Examiner– 

Christine: Blegh. 

Em: –he wrote Alexander Pantages as a “cold foreigner,” ’cause he had recently come from Greece. 

Christine: [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: That is the funniest thing of this whole story. 

Christine: I’m sorry, “a cold foreigner”? What a like weird– 

Em: Well, like cold– not cold, like icy, like– Okay, so here’s the thing. [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: What? 

Em: Oh, I don’t know. I just feel like I should reiterate– 

Christine: Cold, like, like– 

Em: –probably for myself. 

Christine: Like– 

Em: Well, yes, because he was reporting– 

Christine: –brusk. 

Em: –on the fact that he assaulted someone, and so he was reporting about him as like, “Oh, he’s not a nice guy–“ 

Christine: Okay, got it. 

Em: “–and a foreigner”– 

Christine: Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. 

Em: –just to throw it in there. And Eunice was written about as an innocent victim. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Fair. 

Christine: Fair. 

Em: Um, he ended up being convicted in 1931, and he appealed and then was found not guilty. 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: Drink. 

Christine: Oh, shit. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I really try– I really did. I was really trying. 

Em: Y– It sounded– 

Christine: God dammit. 

Em: –very easily– It escaped quite– without any issue. 

Christine: Quite freely. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Yes, you’re right. I really didn’t put a hold on it. I’m sorry. 

Em: Oh, I thought someone was raising their hand like they had a question. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: They’re like, “I finally thought of why I drink this week–“ 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: “–and I want to tell you.” [laughs] 

Em: Um, okay. So after he was found not guilty, they ended up looking at the evidence again and found out that, um, Alexander Pantages was actually, actually was not guilty. And Eunice was hired by one of the big guys, Joseph Kennedy, who controlled RKO– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –um, was paid off by him to make a false claim against Alexander Pantageous– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –because he had turned down Joseph’s offer when he asked to buy out all the theaters. So– 

Christine: Whoa. I thought you were gonna say his offer for sex, and I was like, “This is becoming re– like a HBO special.” 

Em: Wow! No– 

Christine: But that’s also pretty dramatic, I guess. 

Em: I mean, that’s, that’s a wild story we can roll with, but I don’t have that in the notes, so. I think– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [unintelligible] pretend that that’s the story. 

Em: It’s just safe if I keep going on what’s on the page. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Okay, okay, okay. 

Em: So his reputation was still shot, and his finances took a huge hit, and he wound up selling his theaters to RKO anyway the next year. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, so really he could have just sold them to begin with and have skipped all that, but he chose– 

Christine: Oh, why not? 

Em: –the tough road. 

Christine: Be dramatic. 

Em: So the Pantages– 

Christine: He’s probably a Gemini. 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: I’m sorry. I can’t stop myself. I’m sorry. 

Em: You’re a Gemini. So, um– 

Christine: [chuckles] I, I know. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –the Pantages Theatre, [chuckles] uh, became mainly a movie house, and it only had occasional musicals at this point. And in 1949, it was acquired by RKO Pictures and became the [mumbled] RKO Pantages– [enunciating] RKO Pantages. 

Christine: Mm, mm-hmm. 

Em: My notes say to switch slides now, so– 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: –gonna do that. 

Christine: Oh! 

Em: That’s fun, isn’t it? 

Christine: Oh, that looks fancy. 

Em: So it became the theater for the Academy Awards for 11 years. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um, it hosted celebrities such as Bob Hope, Fred Astaire, Jerry Lewis, Angela Lansbury, Shirley MacLaine, Dean Martin, Charlton Heston, John Wayne, Bette [pronounced “bet”] Davis, and Doris Day. So like– 

Christine: Bette [pronounced “Betty”] Davis. 

Em: Yes. 

Christine: Sorry. 

Em: No, I was just going and didn’t– [chuckles] No, you’re right. I’m– Even if you’re wrong, I’m just gonna say you’re right. I think you’re right though. 

Christine: I’m not wrong. 

Em: Eva, edit this out. So– 

[audience laughing] 

Audience: Drink! 

Em: In– 

Christine: [laughs] What if we just scripted all this to be like– 

Em: A lot of people are staring me dead in the eyes when they drink, and that’s the weird part. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: They’re like, “I know, I know– You did th–“ 

Christine: They’re like– 

Em: “You did this, what’s happening here.” 

Christine: They’re like, “You’ve done this to me.” Yeah, yeah, that’s true. 

Em: In 1953, it held the first ever televised Academy Awards. 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: Um, and it was home to the Oscars, like I said, for 11 years and only changed venues because it– the Oscars got so big, they needed a different place. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Um– Oh, I lost, I lost where I was. Oh, here we are. In 1954, they ended up selling it out, and in the ‘60s, Pacific Theatres bought out Pantages uh to be renovated into only a stage theater. And in 1977, it closed as a movie theater and is now only a stage theater. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: So in 2000, it was fully restored, and it cost $10 million– 

Christine: Oh, that’s– 

Em: –to restore it. 

Christine: That’s nice. 

Em: And it was– 

Christine: Sorry, that’s a lot of money. 

Em: I mean, yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, it is, not chump change. So it was spent uh to clean the entire place, like take everything– like all of the chandeliers and replace them or clean them– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –um, replacing authentic parts, rebuilding the stage for Broadway touring companies, um, and they actually built the original ten floors they were supposed to build back in the ‘30s. 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: So the stage play the Dis– Disney’s Lion King? That, that play came to– 

Christine: I’ve heard of that. 

Em: Yeah, you know. It’s a little thing. 

Christine: It’s like a little famous. 

Em: It came to the Pantages and was so successful that that show alone got the theater to make all of their $10 million back– 

Christine: Holy crap. 

Em: –and a profit. 

Christine: We’re in the wrong industry, man. [laughs] 

Em: Y– [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Um, and that’s all I have about the history. So let’s just talk about ghosts. 

Christine: Let’s do it! 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: Let’s, let’s, let’s. 

Em: Let’s just fold that part away. 

Christine: Just get rid of that. 

Em: No one ever needs to see it again. 

Christine: Ugh, god. Blegh, blegh. 

Em: All right. So first ghost is of Howard Hughes. 

Christine: Oh, I know him. 

Em: Do you? 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: ’Cause he was in my notes. Who was he? I’m just kidding. I’ll just tell you. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I actually don’t remember him being in your notes. I just know who he is. 

Em: Oh, good for you. I didn’t know who he was. 

Christine: Oh. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] And so– 

Christine: I was like, “I didn’t know there would be a pop quiz.” 

Em: No, I said it and felt mean. I was like, “Well, that’s– I should not do that.” Right– 

Christine: We’ll, we’ll talk about this later. 

Em: I know. [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So uh he was involved in RKO Pictures, and he was very regularly at the building for decades, long time. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Long, long time. So his ghost is probably one of the most prominent ones that anyone sees. He’s seen from the stage. So like when you’re s– on stage, you can see him in the seats. Um, he’s usually in the last row of the balcony, and there have been a few times where security has been trying to clean out, um, all the seats at the end of the day to like have people leave. And they’ve seen him up there and have had to walk up and say, “You have to leave,” and by the time they get up there, he’s already faded away. 

Christine: Ooh! 

Em: Um, yeah. 

Christine: That’s spooky. [chuckles] 

Em: There are also sightings of, uh– There are sightings of him walking up the aisle during performances uh as if to exit through the back, like he’s like not pleased with the show. 

Christine: [chuckles] Uh-oh. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: That’s actually my nightmare. Can you imagine? 

Em: Yeah, there could be a ghost doing that right now. 

Christine: There’s that exit sign. Oh, I would just– Oh, I would just die. 

Em: There are also a lot of ushers who have said that they’ll hold the door for him, and then he’ll just vanish right before he gets to the door. 

Christine: Oh, this guy just sounds rude. 

Em: He’s like, “I’ve got another way to get out of here, but thanks.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles] “Thanks, but no thanks.” 

Em: There have been so many sightings of him that the historical marker in front of the building actually mentions his ghost, which I think is fun. You don’t? Okay. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Just me then. 

Christine: Actually, that was so fun. I can’t even process how fun that was. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: No, it was. It was so fun. 

Em: It was so fun that no one reacted. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: All right. 

Christine: It was really– 

Em: Yeah, yeah– 

Christine: We all had a great– 

Em: –yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Christine: We all had a good time. 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: So the staff uh regularly see women walking in the balcony or going to the ladies’ room in old-fashioned clothing, and they disappear mid-gossip with each other. 

Christine: Mid-gossip? 

Em: Which is just so mean to me– 

Christine: Yeah, it is. 

Em: –like as the eavesdropper. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: You’re like, “What did–“ 

Em: ’Cause like– 

Christine: “–Angela do?” 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: “I need to know.” 

Em: Imagine you’re in the bathroom, and you hear, “And then–“ 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And then poof! And I’m like, “What?” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: “What?” 

Christine: You’re like, “You will never believe–“ 

Em: That’s ex– 

Christine: “–what happened next.” 

Em: [laughs] Like, “And then– You’ll never know.” And I’m like, [in a whiny voice] “But I wanna!” 

Christine: Oh, man. That’s actually pretty, pretty evil. 

Em: There are also uh women who will walk into the bathroom, and in the corner of their eye, they will see women dressed in 1930s clothes, looking at themselves in the mirror, and putting on makeup. 

Christine: Oh, that’s fun. 

Em: And then you turn around to check on them, and they’re gone. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: It’s like just in the corner of your eye. 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: It’s less threatening that way, I think. I would still be so scared. 

Christine: Yeah. I was like, “I don’t know. I don’t like it.” 

Em: I wonder if she’s the one they’re gossiping about. 

Christine: Oh, man. 

Em: Like, “That bitch and her makeup.” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Look at them. “That bitch and her makeup.” 

Christine: “Always–“ 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I’m telling you. 

Christine: “Always reapplying her lip gloss.” 

Em: If anyone knows good ghost gossip, it’s me. So– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, Angela, we know. [laughs] 

Em: Look how pretty that place is. 

Christine: It is very beautiful. 

Em: Um, so back to Hughes. He has been seen in quote a “smart suit–“ 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –roaming where his old office was, and he walks uh through a wall, which used to be the original doorway to his office. 

Christine: Oh, creepy. 

Em: Which follows like that blueprint kind of theory. 

Christine: Yeah, I love that. 

Em: Anyone know what I’m talking about? 

Christine: Yeah! 

Scattered audience members: Yeah! 

Em: Cool. 

Christine: It– 

Em: Otherwise, I was gonna skim by and you’re all gonna be like, “What? What is that?” 

Christine: “Cool. Moving along.” 

Em: [chuckles] Um, staff have reported a gush of cold air whiz right past them when they’re in the office, even when the AC isn’t on, and they’ll feel like a, a breeze hit them on full blast. 

Christine: Ah, that’s kind of nice, though. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: But is he bullrushing you? Is he like– 

Christine: I mean, yeah. 

Em: –getting you? 

Christine: I guess– 

Em: Or is he blowing in your face? 

Christine: Yeah, that’s gross. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I really don’t know where the, where the icy wind comes from, but it’s such a re– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] Listen, Em, I’m really funny, and you just kind of have to get used to it. And I know it’s hard for you to sit there and like listen to me. 

Em: It’s really hard to live in your shadow. It’s true. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, it is. I know. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: I know. It must be really hard. 

Em: Anyway, people get cold sometimes. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Um, the staff– 

Christine: Oh, help me. Okay, go on. [chuckles] 

Em: The staff regularly smell cigar smoke, which s– I looked everywhere, and it says– which Hughes despised cigars like– 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: –but like enough– Here’s the thing. Apparently, he hated them enough that in the afterlife that’s what he chose to smell like. 

Christine: That doesn’t make any sense, Em. 

Em: I know. Like apparent– 

Christine: Well, okay. Maybe– Hold on. 

Em: ’Cause my– H-here– 

Christine: I have– 

Em: No. 

Christine: Oh– 

Em: Uh-uh. 

Christine: This isn’t my story. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: ’Cause my– [chuckles] ’Cause my thought was like, “Okay, another ghost smokes cigars.” Not like, “Maybe a live person was smoking cigars”– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –but like if there’s another ghost who likes cigars– 

Christine: Right. 

Em: –maybe that would be the smell. However, apparently, he daily mentioned how much he hates cigars, and so now apparently they smell cigars– 

Christine: Ohh. 

Em: –all the time, and they think, “Oh, that must be him.” But that’s like the stupidest thing. 

Christine: Okay, but maybe– I have a theory. 

Em: All right, let’s hear it. 

Christine: Here we go. Here’s what happened. So I think what happened is he was like, “I hate this so much,” ’cause he really loved it so much. 

Em: Hm. 

Christine: You know? 

Em: All right. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] Like he was like, “Oh, fuck cigars,” but in his mind he was like, “I just want a cigar– 

Em: It was like a dir– like a guilty ple– 

Christine: Yes! 

Em: Like a guilty pleasure. 

Christine: And you know how people are like super like, um, they stand up for something– like they like are super outspoken about something they hate– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –because like secretly they kind of love it. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: So I think that’s what it is, and that’s my theory. 

Em: That’s a fair theory. 

[scattered audience cheering and clapping] 

Em: That’s a fair theory. Ah. 

Christine: Wow, that was powerful. 

Em: We are all moved now. 

Christine: You’re welcome, Em. [laughs] 

Em: Anyway, supposedly, you regularly smell cigar smoke coming from where his office used to be. And according to Christine’s theory – 

Christine: Yes. 

Em: –which could be accurate– 

Christine: Is the correct theory. 

Em: Oh. Um, you also hear unexplained banging noises, like someone is opening and closing desk drawers. Apparently, you’ll hear like the, the clinking of the brass handles, and you’ll actually hear like someone shoving the drawers shut. You’ll hear like pens in the cup moving around. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: Um, like he’s still working, which sounds like true hell. 

Christine: Oh god, he’s like– That’s awful. 

Em: Um, people will check the room because they’re convinced that someone’s in there shuffling things around, but the room is empty and very cold. So back to the cold thing. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: Um, after a break-in that happened in the ‘90s, the upper balcony was damaged, which was right next to his office, and activity increased as if the ghosts were really mad or upset, like really protective of the territory. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: Got it. 

Em: We’re on board then. 

Christine: I think that makes sense to me. 

Em: So the manager has said that the spirits got very angry at that point and activity on the second floor increased, and there is now regularly loud banging all over the building, loud yelling in your ear– 

Christine: I d– No. 

Em: –which I don’t like. 

Christine: Me neither. 

Em: Um, and one former employee says that they even heard a frustrated man’s voice in the conference room, which used to be his office. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: But a voice that was clearly mad and upset. I don’t know like what that’s– 

Christine: This all sounds very sad. Like I don’t think he’s– 

Em: It sounds like he’s like still working really hard. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: And he does not need to be. 

Christine: And is like smoking too many cigars. 

Em: Or not enough. Or– I mean, maybe he has– 

Christine: Who’s to say? 

Em: Guys– 

Christine: [laughs] It’s not us. 

Em: This is why we do the live shows. We just want you to tell us what to do at this point, so. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: This is a cry for help. [chuckles] 

Em: [chuckles] Um, also apparently, someone has actually seen a sh– figure of a shadow jump out at them– 

Christine: Mm-mmm. 

Em: –as if to like play peekaboo– 

Christine: Mm-mmm. 

Em: –like two s– 

Christine: No, that’s fucking ridiculous. 

Em: –intentionally to be like, “Ah, I got you.” 

Christine: No, that’s fucking s– awful. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: No. Uh-uh. 

Em: Imagine being like, “Oh, the room’s empty.” 

Christine: No! 

Em: [as if scared suddenly] “Ooh! No, it’s not.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: And they’re like, “I thought this would be fun and endearing. Like, fuck you, ghost.” 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: “That’s not cute.” [laughs] 

Em: You’re right. You’re right. 

Christine: No, it’s not. It’s just mean. I’m already mad about it. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Um, where was I? 

Christine: I don’t know. 

Em: Oh, yeah. Here we are. So in 1932, there was a woman who died on stage during a show. 

Christine: W-What? 

Em: So Christine– 

Christine: Uh-oh. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –good luck. 

Christine: [sings dramatic sting] ♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪♪ 

Em: Make it through this. 

Christine: This is– 

Em: Don’t be like her. 

Christine: That’s awful. 

Em: Um, also, there’s no more information than that, which I feel like, as a company– 

Christine: [exclaiming loudly in surprise] What? 

Em: –you should have– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –you should have more information. 

Christine: If something happens to me tonight, somebody at least better write like an article about it. 

Em: Like s– Like at least post it on Instagram or something. 

Christine: Just put it on Buzzfeed or something. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Uh, they said, potentially, she was a singer with stage fright, and she died– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –on stage– 

Christine: Me too. 

Em: –which becomes me, not you, all of a sudden. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: It’s like– That’s actually just the most upsetting thing I ever heard. She’s like, “I have stage fright–“ 

Em: Can you imagine being so– 

Christine: “–but I’ll overcome it and–“ 

Em: “I’ll get there. I, I believe in myself.” 

Christine: How awful. That’s the most awful thing I ever heard. [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: It’s just like even more embarrassing ’cause it was a publi– like everyone saw. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Like everyone saw you not succeed. 

Christine: You’re like, “What if everyone sees me embarrass myself?” No, everyone will see you die. Like that’s– 

Em: Especially like– 

Christine: –horrible. 

Em: All your friends and family like, “Oh, you’ll do great.” 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: And they’re like, “Oh!” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: “Oh no. This is exactly the opposite of what we–“ 

Christine: Em, it’s rea– 

Em: “–told them.” 

Christine: It’s really bad. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: It makes me feel really sad for her. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: And yet I can’t stop laughing ’cause it’s just so absurd. Okay. I’m sorry. 

Em: I just, I just imagine the guilt we would give like, like Allison or Blaise or Eva, and they’re like, “Oh, you’re gonna do so good.” [chuckles] And then like our bodies are like– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I would haunt them forever. 

Em: They’re like, “Oh, whoops.” 

Christine: “How dare you.” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So just another angle. 

Christine: Oh? 

Em: I didn’t know if your eyes got bored, so. Give you a little, give you a little looksie. I wanted to look [chuckles] like I did my research, apparently. 

Christine: It look, It looks like that. 

Em: It looks like this place. 

Christine: Yes. 

Em: Um, so at night, the voice of a woman is heard singing in the auditorium. 

Christine: Is that her? Well, duh. 

Em: Me thinks so. 

Christine: I guess. I’m sorry. I spoke too soon. 

Em: Which is ironic ’cause like if she died of stage fright and now she’s killing it like– Oh. 

[audience laughing and cheering] 

Em: Whoops. But she is. [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] You’re an idiot. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] Oh man. 

Christine: Oh boy. 

Em: Oh boy. But also that makes me think like, “What if I die of stage fright?” which is possible, and like– 

Christine: And then you’re gonna s– come up here– 

Em: But then I thrive afterwards. 

Christine: I mean, I guess you’re living out your– 

Em: –afterlife. 

Christine: –dreams. 

Em: I don’t know. We’ll see where life takes me and afterlife. So the voice, um– This is how they know that she’s been singing in the auditorium, besides like just like annoying people. She– 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: Her voice– I imagine it’s annoying. 

Christine: I imagine it’s very annoying. [laughs] 

Em: Y– Yeah. Okay. So apparently, the voice has been picked up on mic many times– 

Christine: Oh, shit. 

Em: –on stage while other live people are singing. 

Christine: How irritating is that? 

Em: That’s what I’m saying. That’s got to be the most frustrating thing. Like, “I’m tr– I’m t– You had your moment.” 

Christine: That’s like s– 

Em: “You, you didn’t make it. It’s my turn.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: That’s like some podcaster coming up here and talking into a microphone while we’re trying to– 

Em: It’s like, “Excuse me.” 

Christine: –do our stupid show. 

Em: Yeah. You get it. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: That’s rude. 

Em: Um, she also apparently– [chuckles] Her, her voice carries over the monitor louder than other people’s voices. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So it’s like everyone else is like [quietly singing] “♪ La la la ♪♪” and she’s like [singing directly into the microphone] “♪ La la la ♪♪” 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Like [chuckles] just to make sure you know what’s going on. 

Christine: Wow, I identify with her so much though. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: [talking directly into the microphone] But can you hear me though? 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Oh my god, I love her. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: She’s a Gemini. She– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yes, thank you. 

Em: Um, apparently she with– 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: –like without fail will always show up during, um, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[scattered audience cheers] 

Em: Everyone’s got a jam. That’s hers. That’s fine. 

Christine: Oh my god. That’s so good. 

Em: Um, and everyone in the audience heard. Everyone in the audience heard, and then it also got caught on the monitor. 

Christine: Oh. 

Em: They were like, “Who’s that fucking voice?” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] And it was her. 

Christine: Was she singing a song from that? Or was she singing like a totally different musi–? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Can you imagine she’s singing like Cats, and they’re like, “No.” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] I hope she was singing “Pony.” W– [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] That I would– That’s the only thing I would– 

Em: She’s, she’s before her time. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Yeah. Um, so once t– one time a wardrobe lady actually had an experience with her where she was the last to leave the theater– always the worst person in these stories. 

Christine: Uh-oh. 

Em: And she walked towards an exit, and the emergency lights all went out. 

Christine: Good. 

Em: Like she’s in pitch black in a haunted theater. 

Christine: Fantastic. 

Audience member: Whoo! 

Em: Awesome. She– Uh-huh. 

Christine: Mm. Woohoo. 

Em: She walked towards, um– She walked towards the exit like try– stumbling around, trying to find her way, and she bumped into what felt like an ice cold person. 

Christine: Eugh. 

Em: And she couldn’t find her way out, so she just kind of grabbed onto this thing. 

Christine: [laughs] She’s like, “Okay.” 

Em: She’s like, “You’ll do. You– I’ll figure it out.” 

Christine: “Carry me to safety.” 

Em: Uh, so in the pitch black, she grabbed what felt like their elbow, and they walked her to the front and with a, quote, “firm cold hand on her lower back” guided her through the building. 

Audience Member: Oh no. 

Christine: L– 

Em: So it’s like, “Thanks?” 

Christine: What? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: “But no thanks.” 

Christine: I mean, to be fair she grabbed this lady’s elbow. 

Em: I mean, she was– She, she was like, “You’re, you’re my ticket out of here.” 

Christine: She’s like, “Lead me.” I mean, I don’t know. 

Em: [laughs] Yeah, I feel like if I was reaching for something and realized it was cold and moving, I’d be like, “Mm-mmm.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: “I’ll just stay lost. I’ll just stay lost.” 

Christine: “I’ll just sit here in the dark.” 

Em: Um, so– Sorry, I thought she was coming for me, and I– 

Christine: Em, this isn’t about you. [chuckles] 

Em: You know, Christine was going to town– 

Christine: Don’t– 

Em: –on some nachos upstairs, and– [chuckles] 

Christine: Don’t– Why? Why do you turn this on me? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Well, I saw– ’Cause I was like, “Oh, I haven’t eaten yet,” and then I was like, “Oh, Christine did.” [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: They were really good nachos. 

Em: That’s what it looked like. [chuckles] 

Christine: I did eat almost all of them in four minutes. [laughs] 

Em: We literally– Okay, so Christine got her nachos, and then we looked at our clocks, and we were like, “Oh, we have to be down there in seven minutes.” And Christine was like, “I got it.” [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: It was actually embarrassing ’cause Em came out of the bathroom and was like– 

Em: “Where are they?” 

Christine: –“They’re all gone.” [laughs] They were very good. 

Em: Oh, where were we? Oh, yeah. She’s still lost in the theater. 

Christine: Okay. I was just busy with nachos. 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: I don’t know why I felt the need to call you out. 

Christine: I don’t know either, Em. 

Em: I just felt embarrassed, and I was like, “Well, you’re going down with me.” [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] That’s really fair. Like we really can’t do that to each other. 

Em: [in a sing-song voice] That’s friendship. 

Christine: We could destroy the [chuckles] hell out of each other. 

Em: No, no. We’re done. We’re done now. We’re done. 

Christine: Okay. I’m done. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I’m saving everything for– 

Em: You know too much. You know too much. 

Christine: –future, future, future stories. 

Em: So uh yeah. So let’s talk about someone else that’s not me. [nervous-sounding laugh] Ha-ha-ha. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So um, this girl is lost in the dark and– 

Christine: Sure. 

Em: –grabbing a cold human. 

Christine: Corpses. Right. Good. 

Em: A co– Yeah, probably. 

Christine: Yep. 

Em: Um, so the cold hand guided her towards the door and once you like push the door open, you know how the light comes in? She opened the door– 

Christine: [laughs] Yep. 

Em: You know how like things work. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: You know, like physics and uh nature. 

Em: I was trying to be like creative in my storytelling. It didn’t land. 

Christine: I thought it was very creative. 

Em: She opened the door. The light flooded in, and then she f– still felt the hand on her and looked over, and no one was there. 

Christine: Eugh. 

Em: And then before it totally faded away, she felt something like gr– like press on her back, like scratch her to be like, “Oh, no, I’m still here.” 

Christine: Ew! Ew! Ew! 

Em: Like, “You’re not thinking, you’re not thinking wrong. I’m here. You just can’t see me. Ha-ha!”– 

Christine: What a– 

Em: –and then went away. 

Christine: –creep-o. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: What? 

Christine: What a creep-o! 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Well– I don’t know. I feel like that would be me though. 

Christine: You’d be like, “Ha-ha!” 

Em: Like I’d be really helpful, but then I’d be like, “Oh, no. You’re s– You’re gonna think about this one later. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: “You’ll never forget how helpful I was.” [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] “You have to appreciate this.” Um, where was I? 

Christine: I– Who, Who knows? [chuckles] 

Em: Anyone? Anyone want to take over? 

Christine: Uh, hello? 

Audience: Fresh! 

[audience laughing] 

Audience: Drink! 

Christine: It works. Clink! 

Em: Oh– 

Christine: Yeah, I don’t know what the hell that was. 

Em: I don’t know. I’m used to, I’m used to recording, and I’ve already finished my drink, so then I have to like clink with my finger. Alright. 

Christine: [chuckles] Clink, clink, clink. 

Em: Oh, yeah, we were moving on to another, another spirit, potential demon. You guys ready? 

[audience cheering] 

Em: Okay. [chuckles] Imagine if they’re like, “No.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: What if it was just silent? 

Em: [laughs] It’s like, “Can you get like going on this?” [clears throat] All right. Oh, I th– I cleared my throat. I don’t know if anyone wants to drink to that. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Drink. 

Audience: Drink! 

Christine: I’m sorry. 

Em: Sorry, I’m a– I’m not sorry. Have a good time. Um, so a tall male apparition uh regularly walks down the hall into Hughes’s old office. Um, [clears throat] many say he– 

Christine: You did it again. God, now you’re just– 

Em: I have a s– I have a sore throat. Okay? 

Christine: It sounds like you’re just rubbing it in, but– 

Em: It’s like I’m asking for it. Really I’m like, [clears throat deeply]. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Audience member: [unintelligible] 

Em: So– [laughs] Did you hear? 

Christine: God dammit, Em. 

Em: [laughs] Now you’re starting to sound like Christine. 

Christine: Yeah, it’s actually a little weird to hear my voice being thrown across the room. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So uh, others say he also looks very dashing, however, he’s in a different suit. 

Christine: Ohh. 

Em: So they’re like, “Maybe that’s Alexander Pantages himself.” 

Christine: Oh, okay. 

Em: Uh, which is interesting that he’s going into someone else’s office. I think that’s funny. Like just to– 

Christine: It’s hilarious. 

Em: Well, just like fuck around. 

Christine: Yeah, no, it is. It is– 

Em: I mean, when you’ve got eternity, you might as well like just go mess with people’s stuff. That’s why– 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: I imagine that’s what all ghosts do. 

Christine: He put a stapler in some jello. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles] I’m sorry. I was like, “What do people do in each other’s offices?” 

Em: [chuckles] I see the connection now. 

Christine: Ha-ha. 

Em: That’s actually funny. [chuckles] 

Christine: Ha-ha. Oh, I’m glad you find it funny. 

Em: It didn’t r– I know. I was like, “That’s funny, but I don’t know how you got there.” And then I was like, “Oh, now I see it. That’s hysterical.” 

Christine: It was a really like quickfire jump for me. 

Em: It wasn’t you. It was me. I was like, “Eh– Oh!” Good job. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: There it is. [chuckles] 

Em: You should be the, the frontrunner in this, in this comedy show I think. 

Christine: Oh. Oh, yes. 

Em: If you’re not already, I mean. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So, um– 

Christine: [laughs] What? 

Em: I don’t know. 

Christine: What? [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] I don’t know. I haven’t slept since 2:30. 

Christine: I don’t want to call you out ’cause you’re sick. Just keep talking. [laughs] Em, you’re hilarious, and we love you. 

Em: I know. I know I am. 

Christine: I know. 

Em: So yeah, you can, um, hear the sounds of his bookshelves moving in the middle of the night, um, which I have actually seen in real life. I’ve seen a bookshelf move by itself. 

Christine: What? 

Em: And that is bananas. 

Christine: What do you mean? 

Em: I mean, it literally looked like– 

Christine: Like the shelf itself– 

Em: –two grown men shoving it, but the two grown men weren’t there. 

Christine: Where were you? 

Em: I was in Yorktown Beach. 

Christine: [in a dreamy voice] What happened? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: A bookshelf moved. [chuckles] 

Christine: Why? 

Em: I don’t know why, but I do know– Here’s the, here’s the weird part about that. This was a house that I– This was when I was doing investigations and– 

Christine: Oh, casual, you know, investigations. [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: And, um, there was one house that we h– previously the night before were able to get into, and then we went the next night, and we couldn’t get into, and we didn’t know why the door wouldn’t open this time with the key. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: And the door felt stuck. And then the next day we went in through another door, and the bookshelf was in front of the door. 

Christine: Ah! What? 

Em: Like it didn’t want us in there. 

Christine: Ew! 

Em: And this is a house that has been not lived in for like 50 years. Like so it’s not like– 

Christine: I don’t like that. 

Em: Like no one, no one did that that’s alive. Okay. 

Christine: [groans] 

Em: I’m just saying. So– 

Christine: Oh man, that’s gross. 

Em: So anyway, this bookshelf also moves. 

Christine: Got it. 

Em: Per experience, I believe this part of the story– 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: –with 100%. Um, you can hear books and papers being shuffled. I said you can uh hear pens moving in the cup, but there have been times where pens get thrown at people. 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: That’s what got you? 

Christine: Yeah, it’s funny. [laughs] 

Em: Um, they’ve also heard like the cup fall and all the pens spill out, and they’ve heard a grown man say, “Ah, shit.” [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] That is “fo sho” me as a ghost. [chuckles] “Oh, shit.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Oh. Oh, we’re moving on. 

Em: No. Oh, I just, I just really wanted you guys to get a real 360 look on this place, apparently. 

Christine: Oh, this is– Oh, it’s beautiful. 

Em: Same place. I know. This is the, the right side. 

Christine: I mean, to be fair, it’s– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: –very beautiful. 

Em: It is. 

Christine: You guys, if you’re listening at home, Google “Pantages Theatre.” I just feel bad we’re like– 

Em: We’re gonna be putting this on the air– 

Christine: I don’t– 

Em: I guess. 

Christine: I– Listen– Ow. 

Em: This is how we figured– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Did you just hit your tooth on the mic? 

Christine: No… [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I’m very new at this. 

Em: You know what? To be fair though, I can’t laugh at you because we were standing behind that door to get introduced– 

Christine: Oh, that’s true. 

Em: –and the door fucking slammed into my face. [laughs] 

Christine: That’s true. Em’s entire face got hit by a door. 

Em: And I heard Christine and Eva both go, “Oh!” and like not help me. 

Christine: We were like– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: They’re just like, “Whoa! Are you okay now?” 

Christine: “You’re on your own.” Oh, that was karma. 

Em: That thing hit me good too. 

Christine: Yeah, it hit you right in the face. 

Em: Okay, so we’re even now. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Okay– 

Christine: I mean, mine was like in front of a bunch of people, but– [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [chuckles] Like that girl with the stage fright. Oh, you’re making your way. 

Christine: Uh-oh. [laughs] 

Em: So– 

Christine: God, my worst nightmares. 

Em: –there have been a lot of employees in the auditorium that were by themselves, poor choice. And they heard soft, slow clapping from the balcony as if he’s like [claps quietly]. 

Christine: What a dick! 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I imagine he’s doing that face too of like, “Mm, I–“ 

Christine: He’s like, “Yeah, I guess.” 

Em: “–guess.” Like, “Keep it up.” 

Christine: Fuck, that’s really rude. That’s what we’re gonna get at the end of this show. [laughs] 

Em: Oh my god. [laughs] 

Christine: And we’re just like, “Uh…” [laughs] 

Em: When we leave there’s gonna be one person– 

Christine: “Why are we here?” 

Em: –and it’s– they’re not even alive. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: And it’s Eva. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] It’s Eva. 

Christine: “I’m still here.” 

Em: Eva, clap for us at the end. Um– 

Christine: Please! 

Audience: Drink! 

Em: Drink. 

Christine: Oh, shit! [laughs] I don’t even notice it anymore. 

Em: Um, uhh– 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: I’m trying not to say– 

Christine: What? 

Em: Oh, I was going ♪ La la la ♪♪ ’cause I was trying not to say the thing that makes people drink. Um– 

Christine: Oh. Oh, yeah. 

Audience member: Thank you! 

Em: You’re welcome. [chuckles] 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Oh my. I really don’t know where I am. Oh. A voice has been picked up on the mic that was not the singer. It was a man laughing to himself. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: Or not to himself. We only just got one voice. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: He could have been laughing at several people, but for all we know he was like– just thought he was really funny– 

Christine: What a creep-o. 

Em: –like I think about myself. So everyone in the audience, um, also heard a laugh. So like people are hearing people not there singing. 

Christine: Hm. 

Em: They are hearing people not there laughing. And then when everyone goes home, the, um, the monitors will turn on by themselves– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –and you can hear other voices of people that are not in the theater having conversations with each other. 

Christine: Jeez. 

Em: I bet it’s those gossipy witches. 

Christine: Yeah, for sure. 

Em: They’re like, “Now that we have the stage–” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: For sure. 

Em: “–let’s talk about Becky again.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] Yes, that’s correct. 

Em: [chuckles] I like when you laugh. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: See? It’s so fun. You know, we got an email today, and someone said that my laugh sounds like a dolphin. 

Christine: Yeah. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: The actual subject was “Regarding– 

Em: It literally said “Em’s Laugh,” and I was like, “Oh, I’m gonna like this one.” 

Christine: “Regarding Em’s Laugh,” and I was– Well, I was like, “Uh-oh, I hope I don’t have to delete this before Em sees it.” 

Em: Oh, my ego was really high. I saw– 

Christine: Well, no, I thought it was gonna be mean. 

Em: No, I went the other direction. I was like, “Oh, I can’t–“ 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: I was like, “I can’t wait for a compliment,” and then I opened the email, and it was like, “Em sounds like a dolphin,” and I was like, “Hey!” 

Christine: It actually said, “Em sounds like Flipper.” 

Em: Yeah, it s– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Yep. I was like– 

Christine: “Em sounds like Flipper the dolphin.” 

Em: I was like, “That checks out. You’re not really wrong.” 

Christine: I was like, “Oh, yeah actually. Kinda.” 

Em: [in a sing-song voice] So where were we? 

Christine: God, Em. 

Em: I can’t get my shit together. Oh! You’ll like this one. 

Christine: I even printed this in color for you. 

Em: That i– You did. 

Christine: I did. 

Em: Okay. Are you ready for a good one? 

Christine: Yeah? 

Em: So in 2013, the owner was reported to know of at least seven ghosts in the building. One of them who is a dog– 

[scattered audience members cheering, whooping, and a few catcalling] 

Em: That’s a– 

Christine: Whoo! 

Em: What an– a wild assortment of reactions. 

Christine: A weird mix. 

Em: Like, “Aw! Whoo-oo!” 

Christine: Some like catcalls going on. 

Em: Yeah. Um, although there is no hard evidence, they– everyone who has ever been there by themselves has heard a dog bark and has heard a– 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: –has felt a tail like– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –walk past them, which is– 

Audience member: Drink! 

Christine: Oh, I did– 

Em: What happened? 

Christine: –gasp. I gasped. 

Em: Oh. 

Christine: I did. I did do it. I’m sorry. 

Em: I was like, “ [unintelligible] Gio?” I don’t know. 

Christine: I’m sorry– [chuckles] 

Em: Oh, drink. Sorry. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Audience members: Drink! 

Christine: It’s really easy game. [chuckles] 

Em: [laughs] Really you could stop whenever. Like, we get it. You’re drunk. 

Christine: We’re not trying to give you alcohol poisoning. 

Em: Um, in– As of the 2000s, there are no longer allowed to be investigations because the theater owners know that there are spirits there. They’ve had enough stories from enough people where they know for a fact that there are ghosts, and they just don’t want to disrespect them. 

Christine: Okay. 

Em: So they’ve taken out investigations. So they just go off of people’s stories now from when they’re around. But most people who have worked there have experienced the dog at least once. 

Christine: Aw. 

Em: And apparently when you’re by yourself, if you get scared, you can hear the dog panting next to you. 

Christine: Aw! Baby! 

Audience: Aww… 

Em: Sweet baby baby. So– 

[audience laughing] 

Audience members: Drink! 

Christine: That counts as a Gio reference I think. [chuckles] “Sweet baby baby.” 

Em: Guys, this weekend I’m babysitting him. I’m gonna have such a killer time. 

Christine: Alright, alright. You’ll see it on the Instagram, I’m sure. 

Em: [in a tight voice as if squeezing their body tightly] Oh, I’m so excited! 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So– 

Christine: Goddamn. 

Em: You know what? [chuckles] No comment. 

Christine: Thank you for dogsitting my dog. I appreciate it. 

Em: You’re just so welcome. I call it Snugglefest 2018. 

Christine: I know. It’s actually– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Em has already created a hashtag. It’s my nightmare truly. 

Em: I, I– [chuckles] I always text Christine, and I’m like, “I can’t wait for my VIP ticket to the Snugglefest.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: That’s literally not an exaggeration. I get that text maybe three times a week. 

Em: I also regularly text her. I’m like, “Christine, he’s my best friend.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: And I’m like– 

Em: “He’s actually my best friend.” 

Christine: It is– 

Em: And she’s like, “I asked if you wanted me to make you dinner when you came over.” 

Christine: “It is 6 in the morning. I’m trying–“ [chuckles] Yeah, actually it’s truly a nightmare. 

Em: You’re welcome. So– 

Christine: Thank you. 

Em: If I’m your nightmare, you’ve got quite a life. You’ve got such a good life. So– 

Christine: [chuckles] I have a great life. 

Em: Uh– Oh, when the theater seats– This is a funny one. When the theater seats need to be replaced, I guess one of the, um, like routines that they do is they’ll put tape on each chair– 

Christine: Right, right. 

Em: –to know which ones need to be replaced. And in the middle of the night, they’ll change the tape. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: So you have to like figure out what chair– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: So like they have to go through and sit in 2,800 chairs to make sure– 

Christine: [chuckles] Oh my god, I can’t decide what ghost I wanna be. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: I wanna be all of them. 

Em: Um, another one of the seven ghosts is a little girl who sings showtunes in the hallways. 

Christine: Mm. Oh my. 

Em: The staff will regularly turn off lights, and then the lights will come right back on as soon as they leave the door. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: So like they have to just keep going back and forth. 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: Um, which sounds like a real dick move. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, it’s really rude. 

Em: People have heard heavy footsteps in the hallways when they’re alone. They uh feel someone bump into them multiple times. Like they’ll just be walking, go, “Oh, sorry,” to nothing, which I guess I do. 

Christine: I was gonna say that seems– 

Em: Like– 

Christine: –pretty standard. You just got hit by a door like 20 minutes ago. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] And I apologized, I think, to the door too. 

Christine: [laughs] Yeah, probably. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Um, a lot of people have felt a child squeeze their hands. Um– 

Christine: Mm-mmm. 

Em: –and they’ve also con– This is the weird part. Mothers have kept holding the hand– 

Christine: [gasps] 

Em: –because they looked down and saw a child and thought– 

Christine: Ahh! 

Em: –it was their own. 

Christine: Ee! 

Audience members: Oh no! 

Em: Like waiting in line to go into a show– 

Christine: Yucky. 

Em: –and then they see their kid over there, and they’re like, “Eugh!” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yuck. 

Em: Um– 

Christine: Yuck. 

Em: Oh, music will play in empty rooms, and when you stop to check or uh look at the speakers, nobody’s in the control room. And a lot of the spirits will make sure that the building is being treated well and work is getting done, so– 

[scattered gasps from audience members] 

Christine: Oh boy. 

Em: Like I said, a lot of the spirits are very protective of the area, and they like to make sure that the work is actually getting done. So if the staff are not working, they will find a polite shadow man– 

Christine: No. 

Em: –either watching them from the doorway, um, or – politely? – banging on the walls next to them. Like if there’s a wall here, it’ll bang right here. So you go, “Wuh?” and like realize you should get off your phone, which I assume is what they’re doing. 

Christine: That doesn’t seem very polite. 

Em: No. But also he will stand behind you and tap on your shoulder, and you’ll turn around and see a shadow man– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –tapping on your shoulder to be like, “Get to work.” But apparently, he’s only ever there when you’re not working, so it’s kind of just like keep you in line. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: If you do your work, you never see him, so– 

Christine: He– 

Em: –there’s your reward. Um– 

Christine: H-he has a nice straw hat though. 

Em: I would see him all the time [chuckles] if I was working there. 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Uh, they also see the ghosts of multiple well-dressed men walking around the corners into dead ends– 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: –and people will follow the person, and nobody is there when they get to the dead end. The spirits will watch over construction in the building. Uh, in 2000, during uh a lot of the restoration, there was a painter that was restoring the theater auditorium, and Hughes was seen walking over the scaffolding and onto the balcony. And when the workman asked what he wanted, he just stared at him and then vanished– and then pointed at a picture of like, “Oh, who’s that guy? I saw him earlier,” and it was Hughes. 

Christine: Ooh. 

Em: Um, another worker that day complained that a man in a hat climbed down from the balcon– balcony to the scaffolding and stopped at where he was working. And the man in the hat leaned over the painter’s shoulder to inspect closely h– at his work. And later, he overheard– The, the painter, the one in the first story– 

Christine: Mm-hmm. 

Em: He later overheard that a-another electrician was also complaining about a man who was leaning over him too closely to watch him work, and he was also a man in a hat. Um, they all discovered that the man leaning over them very intensely was the same person, and they all quit that day– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –which was the smartest thing they could have ever done. 

Christine: Me too. 

Em: And another usher was cleaning out the theater after a matinee, looked at the seats, and saw the same man in a hat that was about to leave. He went to the man, and the man then came back and sat down and waited for the usher to approach him. 

Christine: Uh-uh. 

Em: So like intelligently saw him coming. 

Christine: No. 

Em: Uh, the usher got up to him and said, uh, “You need to leave the theater. The matinee is over.” He blankly stared for what felt like an eternity, and when the usher looked down at him sitting in the seat, realized he had no torso. 

Christine: Ahh! 

[audience yells in shock] 

Christine: Listen. 

Em: He also had no legs, in case anyone’s wondering– 

Christine: Oh, shit. 

Em: –if it was just the midsection. 

Christine: Well, I did. I thought he was just invisible in the middle. He had no legs. 

Em: No, he had nothing below his chest– 

Christine: I don’t– 

Em: –and he was just floating in the seat, staring at him. 

Christine: I don’t like torso-related conversations. 

Em: And he like– He was also a man in a hat. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: So apparently, the man in the hat is the creepiest one. 

Christine: Mm-mmm. 

Em: But that is all the ghosts. 

Christine: [gasps] Thank you, Em. 

[audience cheering and clapping] 

Christine: Oh man. Good job, Em. 

Em: Thank you. 

[glass clinks - start of ad break] 

[Rotating ads vary, for a full list of current podcast sponsors visit andthatswhywedrink.com/sponsors] 

[straw sucking bottom of glass - end of ad break] 

Christine’s Story – Clara Phillips aka the Tiger Woman

Christine: Ooh, what a mystery. 

Em: Oo-ooh. 

Christine: Are you guys ready for a– 

Em: It could be anything. 

Christine: –true crime story? 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: That’s so much fun. Okay, so this is the story of Clara Phillips, aka the Tiger Woman. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: I know. It’s mysterious. 

Em: [rolls tongue] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I really– If I knew you would do that, I don’t know if I would have– 

Em: I’ve never heard of her, so. 

Christine: Yeah, I know, but I don’t– 

Em: I’m ready to be wowed. 

Christine: You’re gonna be wowed. So actually, I’m going to take you back to, um, the ‘20s. 

Em: Well– 

Christine: The roaring twenties. 

Em: As they are. 

Christine: LA, LA is at its prime. Um, actually in the ‘20s, LA finally reach– I’m sorry. Is there a fly? What’s happening? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [chuckles] There’s this bug– 

Christine: Are you dancing? Like what’s–? 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] It’s just like really like– 

Christine: Like interpretive–? 

Em: There it is. It just– It really likes you. I really just want to smack you in the face ’cause it’s like– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: If you fucking touch me– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I mean, I won’t, but there were a couple times where I was like I forgot people were watching. [laughs] 

Christine: Yeah, I saw your hands going real close to my face. 

Em: I just– [laughs] I’m sorry. I– 

Christine: I swear to God, Em. 

Em: Roaring twenties. I’m there. I’m back at– I’m there. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: We’re in the roaring twenties. 

Em: I’m sorry. 

Christine: Are you there? 

Em: I’m there. I’m there. 

Christine: Okay, get there. 

Em: The fly’s there too. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, [laughs] I’m sure it is. 

Em: Okay. 

Christine: I’m sure it is. 

Em: Take it away. Take it away. 

Christine: Here’s the thing. We’re in the ‘20s– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –in Los Angeles. LA just reached one million residents. 

Em: [sarcastically] Wow. 

Christine: Ah, big city life. 

Em: Whoo-hoo! Cowabunga, dude. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Wow. This is like rife for Em uh one-liners today. [laughs] Loving it. 

Em: Oh, yeah. 

Christine: Loving it. 

Em: I was on a plane for ten hours today. I didn’t really get to socialize, so– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –I’m feeling real extroverted and chatty. 

Christine: Like high on Sudafed. 

Em: Yep. Oh, there it is again. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: There’s two of ‘em. 

Christine: Em, I swear to god. That looks like a Gio hair. Where did that come from? 

Em: Drink. 

Christine: Oh god. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: All right. Also in the 1920s, speaking of your story, Walt Disney showed up. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: He, he showed up on the scene, di– 

Em: Oh, just in general. 

Christine: –did his jam, uh, you know how he did. [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Here– Okay. Actually, I’m gonna be totally honest with you. I got sucked into, um, Walt Disney’s Wikipedia article while I was researching this. 

Em: Isn’t it fascinating? 

Christine: It is! 

Em: If you guys don’t know– 

Christine: Fascinating! 

Em: –anything about Walt Disney and his like– the whole Disney history– 

Christine: Just– I mean, it is– 

Em: –will blow your mind. 

Christine: And I’m not like a Disney person, but like wow, it was fascinating. So I got real sucked up in that. 

Em: Have you looked into like the, um, the like the underground tunnels and all that? 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. 

Em: That’s bananas. 

Christine: You know, that’s the fun part when you start hitting all the footnotes, and you start going– 

Em: Well, here’s the thing. I also– I dated someone who worked at Disney. 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: I can confirm all that. Like ’cause I would be like, “Is it true?” And she’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’s really true.” 

Christine: The secret passageways? 

Em: Yeah, but like– Okay, you apparently– Do you know the– There’s some X-rated stuff going on at Disney in the tunnels, which we’re not gonna talk about. 

Christine: What? You can’t just say there’s X-rated stuff and we’re not gonna talk about it. 

Em: I’m just going to say people in costumes get– it gets weird. 

Christine: Ahh! 

[audience exclaiming and laughing] 

Em: That’s all I know. That’s all I know. 

Christine: What? 

Em: [in a sing-song voice] And that’s why we drink. 

Christine: Jesus. That is why I drink. Well, I mean, I’m out of wine, but– 

Em: Well– 

Christine: No, I didn’t bring a box. 

Em: Your runner isn’t here today. 

Christine: I thought maybe I did. Um– 

Audience member: Eva! 

Christine: –Eva? [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I’m sorry. No, because if I do that– 

Em: If– 

Christine: –Eva will literally get up and do it. So don’t worry. 

Em: Yeah, she’s way too nice. She would actually do it. 

Christine: No, she’s too nice to me. Okay. 

Em: She would actually– I’m like ready for like a little person just run up here and– [unintelligible]. 

Christine: Em, let me tell you about this. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: We’re in the 1920s, and Walt Disney is there. Okay? 

Em: Yeah. 

Christine: Okay. So it’s July of 1922. A 23-year-old woman named Peggy Caffee– Hit the picture button. 

Em: Oh. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I feel like a grandma. [in exaggerated voice] “Hit the big purple button.” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] By the way, for my birthday, Christine took me to Nickelodeon Studios, and we were trying to– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: She took me on a tour, and there was a bunch of children dancing, and she literally s– [laughs] 

Christine: What did I do? I don’t remember. I was drinking wine. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: She was like– It was like a “bring your family and friends” thing to the studios. And so it was like on our birthday weekend, she was like, “Do you want to like see a bunch of statues of Rocko’s Modern Life?” And I was like, “Fuck yeah.” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: There was a bunch of children dancing in the yard, [chuckles] and she literally goes, “Blaise, is that the Bruno Mars?” 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laugh-screams] Ahh! [laughs] Anyway, here’s your fucking picture. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] You’re a fucking, demon. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: You’re a literal demon. 

Em: Love you! [laughs] 

Christine: [laughs] Look! This is Peggy. Okay? Goddamn. You are a demon and a half. 

Em: My throat hurts. Carry on. 

Christine: Swear to god. This is Peggy. She’s 23, and she lives in Long Beach. 

Em: We know where that is. 

Christine: Mm, yep. 

Em: [chuckles] You’re not happy with– 

Christine: I’m not happy with you, no. 

Em: Okay. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Uh, so, okay. She’s living in Long Beach. Suddenly, uh she hears from an old pal she hadn’t heard from for a couple years named Clara Phillips. So she– Peggy and Clara had been, um, chorus girls together, and they had actually met two years before when they were playing in a Pantages performance together. 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: I know, right? 

Em: Wow. A lot of, lot of– 

Christine: It is– 

Em: –full circles here with the Mickey Mouse and the– 

Christine: Can I just do this? How do I– 

Em: Yeah. Remember you go “ohh.” 

Christine: I go– I have to count– 

Em: No, no. Wrong way. 

Christine: “Wong” way. 

Audience member: Wrong way. 

Christine: Shit. 

Em: Remember you have to say [drawn out] “shiiit.” 

Christine: [drawn out] Shiiit. There it goes. 

Em: There you go. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: There really is like a– You– We actually had to do that. 

Christine: No, we literally test it out. We go “shii-it.” 

Em: You have to do it for like three i’s of shit. 

Christine: Shii-it. Okay. 

Em: There’s a whole rhythm. 

Christine: So that’s Clar– Clara, Clara. That’s her friend that she uh had met at– doing the Pantages show. 

Em: Uh-huh. 

Christine: Um, so it’s two years later, and Peggy– I think there’s actually a photo. Oh, yeah, there’s them in their like– That’s Clara in her performance– 

Em: Gotcha. 

Christine: –outfit. Yeah, what a stunner. Okay. 

Em: Oh, yeah. 

Christine: So the two– Okay. So Peggy and Clara had lost touch because Peggy gave up show business to get married and moved to Long Beach, and uh Clara had kind of continued her show business thing. Um, so it’s two years leet– later. Peggy is shopping in Los Angeles, and she runs into Clara and her mother. Um, they kind of get to talking, and they’re like, “Oh, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you.” And about a week later, Clara shows up at Peggy’s house, and she’s like, “Hey, let’s reconnect,” which by the way, [chuckles] that– if someone does that, just be like, “No, thank you.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: ’Cause that– I mean, even if it’s like through Facebook Messenger– 

Em: [chuckles] Like firm pass. 

Christine: Uh-uh. 

Em: Our w– Like– 

Christine: No. 

Em: –two ships in the night, we’re done now. 

Christine: We– Right. We’ve pa– We’ve moved past that. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Um, so she shows up at her doorstep, and she’s like, “Let’s go shopping.” So in case– I know you’re all wondering. Um, so they did go shopping, and they did go to Woolworth’s, and they did buy slippers. Um– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I know you’re– 

Em: Wouldn’t you? 

Christine: I know you were wondering. Um, so Peggy was like, “Well, I didn’t notice anything too odd except that Clara was kind of quiet and like meditative,” and um, so she’s like, “Okay, well, we’re done with our shopping trip. Let’s move on.” The next day, Clara shows up at her door again, and this time, she’s like, “I have something to tell you.” So Clara– Little backstory. When Cl– So Clara got married as a teenager to a man named Armour Phillips– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –who became a successful uh oil stock salesman in the ‘20s, so he was like a successful businessman. 

Em: Sure. 

Christine: And she married him when she was, I think, 14. 

[audience gasping and exclaiming in shock and disapproval] 

Em: Woof. 

Christine: Woof. 

Em: Whoa. 

Christine: Woof indeed. Um, so at this point– 

Em: Wait, what year is this again? The ‘20s? 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: Is that like a thi– Is that a, is that a normal thing then? 

Audience member: Yeah, that’s fine. 

Christine: It’s f– 

Em: That’s– 

Christine: [chuckles] This guy goes, “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.” 

Em: He’s like, “Oh, I’ve been there. It’s–“ 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: No, no, no. He’s like, “Oh, oh, it’s cool. I was there.” 

Em: He’s like, “It’s not my thing, but–“ 

Christine: “It’s cool. It’s fine. It’s an NBD.” Um– 

Em: Alright. I’ll, I’ll, I’ll rock it. 

Christine: It’s cool. It’s fine. So she was like super jealous of her husband, and, and so– At this point, she’s 23, and she’s like, “I think my husband has been seeing another woman,” and uh Peggy’s like, “Well, no, of course not. Like why would you think that?” And she goes, “Well, I followed him around for several weeks.” 

Em: That’ll do it. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [chuckles] 

Em: “And he was with another 14-year-old.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] And she’s like, “I realized he has been turning his attentions toward a seductive bank clerk named Alberta Meadows. And Alberta was a 21-year-old widow whose husband I know.” 

Em: Well, look, if you’re getting married at 14, I mean, that’s– 

Christine: Ah– 

Em: –seven years. 

Christine: Her husband had died when she was 19. Oh, that’s wrong. 

Em: You gotta go– 

Christine: I’m sorry. 

Em: The next button. 

Christine: It’s counterintuitive. That’s Alberta. 

Audience member: [unintelligible] 

Christine: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: What we’re not gonna do is judge someone on their looks. I’m s– 

Christine: Listen– 

Em: I’m sure she has a great heart. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: Oh no? 

Christine: Oh no. 

Em: Well, okay, then you guys can judge. 

Christine: There’s Alberta. Sorry. So Alberta– [laughs] Listen, Alberta– 

Audience member: Drink! 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: She’s 21, and she doesn’t look 21– 

Em: No, she’s– 

Christine: Like when I was 21– 

Em: I mean, she’s aging poorly. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I mean, to be fair, like when I was 21, I didn’t have a set of pearls like that. 

Em: I mean, also to be fair, in the ’20s, like they didn’t have Neutrogena, you know? Like– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Right. 

Em: –she was doing her best with what she had. 

Christine: Right. I think she looks beautiful. 

Em: Let’s move on. 

Christine: So– 

Em: I feel like those like girls in the ‘30s in the bathroom. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: You’re being that, that fucking bitch in the bathroom. 

Em: To be fair, it sounds like you’re talking about them ’cause where we left off– 

Christine: I told you that they cross over, these stories. I told you. 

Em: Yeah, ’cause you were like, “She says, ‘I have something to tell you.’” 

Christine: The Pantages? The Pantages. They performed in The Pantages. 

Em: I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. 

Christine: So here’s, here’s what happened. Peggy was like, “You’re probably overanalyzing this. Um, I don’t think your husband’s cheating,” and Clara’s like, “No, I know that he has been paying to fix up Alberta’s car, and he’s also bought her a wristwatch as a gift.” 

Em: But girls can’t read time in the ‘20s. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Oh gosh. [laughs] 

Em: I– [laughs] 

Christine: And she wa– Apparently, Alberta was like, “Look at this beautiful watch I got– I bought myself for my birthday,” and Clara was like, “My husband bought that for you.” 

Em: Oh… 

Christine: So she was like real mad. Um, so then she’s like, “But let’s go shopping again,” and so Peggy was like, “Alright.” And Clara was kind of like– You know how there’s like a pair of friends, and one of them’s kind of like, “We’re doing this.” Like the bossy like, “Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s go.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: It’s definitely not me. 

Em: No, that’s me. 

Christine: It’s you. [laughs] 

Em: I’m like, “Christine, I’m not telling you where we’re going, but just be ready on this day. Go.” [chuckles] 

Christine: [laughs] So Clara’s like, “I’m on it. We’re going shopping.” Clara led them to a hardware store where she bought a hammer for 15 cents. [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Okay, but that’s a deal. 

Christine: Yeah, I know. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: I would also– 

Em: I would take you to a hardware store too if shit was 15 cents. 

Christine: [drawn out] I know. I would buy eight of those hammers. 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: Um, apparently, she asked the clerk uh if he thought it was heavy enough to kill a woman. 

[audience laughing in shock] 

Christine: [chuckles] And the clerk, thinking it was a joke, said, “Yes, it is, if you hit her hard enough with it.” 

Em: “Anything is possible if you believe.” That’s– 

Christine: What’s that Disney quote? Like, “dream it and believe it,” or whatever the fuck? “If you dream it, believe it.” Yeah, exactly. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Obviously, that’s what was happening. So Clara bought the hammer for 15 cents. Then they did what, um, you and I would do or any two pals would really do after a long day of shopping. They went to a speakeasy in Long Beach and had a good time drinking bathtub gin for the rest of the e– afternoon. 

[audience whooping] 

Em: You’re right. 

Christine: Um, Clara was– Okay, so as I said, Clara was like dragging Peggy all over town. So a– So finally, she’s like, “Peggy, get in the cab, and we’re going back to LA.” And Clara’s like, “Okay, but my–“ Or Peggy’s like, “But my husband lives here, and I want to go see him.” And she was like, “Too bad. We’re going back to LA.” 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: She was like that friend, you know? So she brought Peggy back to LA– Alright, I see what you’re doing. [chuckles] So– 

Em: I’m just kidding. [chuckles] 

Christine: So Clara bought– brought Peggy back to LA. Um, and they incidentally ended up at uh 9th and Main Street outside the bank where Alberta worked, um, which I looked up on Google Maps, and incidentally, um, it’s now a Nike store. 

[audience laughing] 

Audience member: Just do it. 

Em: Yeah– 

Christine: Just do it! 

Em: –she– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Good one, man. He’s full of one-liners. I love it. [laughs] So they’re waiting outside this bank where she works, right? 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: And they’ve had several bathtub gin drinks, which I can only imagine is quite a time. 

Em: I bet you can relate. 

Christine: I mean– [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: Listen, in the beginning– 

Audience members: Drink! 

Em: –when we used to record until 5 in the morning, who knew what was gonna happen? 

Christine: Who knew? Really. My, my parents are really worried about me. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Okay, so finally after– Okay, so they’re waiting there for like an hour. They finally see Alberta leaving work, and Clara walks up to her. Oh, and they’ve like met at like a Christmas party or something, ’cause her husband like worked with her. And she’s like, “Oh, man, it’s so good to see you, Alberta. Um, could you give me and my friend, Peggy, a ride to my sister’s house in Montecito Heights?” And, um, Alberta’s like, “Yeah, okay, I guess so.” And so the two hop into Alberta’s car, and when they reached the end of Montecito Drive, which, by the way, at that point was a– like a winding dirt road like surrounded by woods, which– 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: –nowadays is like, “Mm–“ 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: “–that’s not called Los Angeles.” Um– 

Em: It’s the exact opposite. 

Christine: It’s literally the exact opposite. But so sh– They were like in this like forested area of Los Angeles– 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: –and she’s like, “Hey, do you mind, Alberta, if we pull over and have a private chat?” 

Em: [chuckles] Yeah, “Drive into the city, and we’ll chat.” 

Christine: Mm. 

Em: “Let’s go to a coffee shop.” 

Christine: “Uhh…” And Alberta’s like, “Okay, sure.” Um, so they got out of the car, and Clara asks Alberta if her husband, Armour, had paid for her new tires on her Ford car that they were driving in. 

Em: Mm. 

Christine: And Alberta’s like, “No, I bought those tires,” and uh Clara’s like, “Well, what about that watch you’re wearing? Uh, who paid for that?” And Alberta’s like, “I paid for that, and I can show you the receipt.” And instead of being like, “Sure, show m–” Oh, thank you. 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: Who did that? I love you. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [clears throat] [unintelligible] 

Christine: Thank you to my new friend. [laughs] Milkshake is coming next. 

Em: I– No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I– Now I feel like an asshole. 

Christine: Thank you. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Thank you. Give– 

Em: Cheap joke, cheap joke. 

Christine: Give him a round of applause for real. Thank you. 

[audience cheering and clapping] 

Christine: Wow, that was so nice. Thank you. That was so kind. Okay. Whoa, this is gonna make this a lot easier. Okay. 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] Um, okay, so she’s like, “Well, who paid for that watch?” She’s like, “I can show you a receipt.” And instead of saying, “Oh, yeah. Um, why don’t you show me a receipt?”, she pulls that 15 cent hammer out of her coat and– 

Em: “Check this!” 

Christine: –fucking hits her in the forehead with it, like really hard. [chuckles] Like I feel like it hit– 

Em: Like hard enough that that hard man was– 

Christine: The– 

Em: –that hard guy was correct. 

Christine: He was like, “I gave her advice, and she took it.” 

[audience members mumbling to themselves] 

Em: I heard what I said. The hardware man– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: –not the hard man. Whoops. You know what’s– Can you– Are you surprised? 

Christine: Nobody’s surprised. So she hits her right in the fucking forehead. 

Em: Yikes. 

Christine: And I know it sounds like a 15 cent hammer– It doesn’t seem– But she hit her right in the forehead. 

Em: Got her good. 

Christine: Got her good. And so Alberta is still like conscious and starts running down the hill, and Peggy [chuckles], who’s like in the car– This poor girl. 

Em: With her new tires on her Ford. 

Christine: No, Alberta’s Ford. 

Em: Oh, damn. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I thought someone was gonna [makes a car engine noise] “vrooom!” Like get her, like– 

Christine: Oh, I see what you’re saying. 

Em: I thought this was go– about to be like a real chase. 

Christine: No, Peggy’s in the back seat, like “I didn’t sign up for this. You just showed up, and we–“ 

Em: Poor thing. 

Christine: “–performed at the Pantages together.” 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: So Peggy’s in the back seat and sees Alberta running down the hill, like covered in blood. So she decides to run in the opposite direction, which [chuckles] fair, but– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: –in the article I read that she kind of wrote, she was like, “Well, I was looking for help,” which also fair. 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: But again, we’re in fucking like m-mystical world Los Angeles where there’s no fucking houses for miles. Like I don’t know what world this is, but– 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: So she starts running. She can’t find anybody who like lives in this part of town. Um, so she kind of like turns and sees both of the women like running back up the hill toward her with fucking– 

Em: [pretends to scream] Ahh! [chuckles] 

Christine: It’s like– [chuckles] It’s ridiculous. It’s– Alberta has like blood coming out of her head, and uh Clara’s running behind her. Um, so Clara ke– This is, this is really awful. I don’t like– don’t even know how to tell this in a not awful way, so I’m just gonna say it in an awful way. So Clara [chuckles]– Clara catches up to Alberta and smashes her fucking head in with a hammer until the hammer breaks– 

[audience gasps and exclaims in shock] 

Christine: –and Alberta is dead. And then, because that’s not enough, she rolls a fucking 50 pound boulder onto her chest– 

[audience gasps and exclaims in shock] 

Christine: –to be like, “Well, this way she’s really dead.” Like somehow has the fucking like– 

Em: How are you that strong? 

Christine: I don’t know! She just has the energy to roll a fucking 50 pound boulder onto her body and is like, “Okay.” In– 

Em: “That’ll do it.” 

Christine: The Los Angeles Times article I read was like, “When Peggy had finished vomiting on the side of the road,” and I was like, “Oh no.” So when Peggy had finished vomiting on the side of the road, Clara– [chuckles] Clara told her to “Get back in the car!” She told Peggy that if she– I mean, this is like Mean Girls times 800,000. Like– [chuckles] 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: She’s like, [in a whiny teen voice] “Get in the car.” 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: She told Peggy that if she told anyone about this, even her own husband, she would kill her with a hammer too. So poor Peggy is like– Also, Peggy’s like 22 or 23, and she’s like, “I don’t know what to do.” [chuckles] 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: So she goes, “Clara, like, you’re covered in blood.” ’Cause Clara was drenched in blood. And Clara says [laughs]– 

Em: That’s what she said, and it’s creepy. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] Clara literally goes, “Get your handkerchief out, and wipe my face off.” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: While she’s driving the car, makes– 

Em: That’s the shit we’d make Eva do. 

Christine: Yeah. Eva! Wipe this blood off my face. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: She literally forced [chuckles] Peggy to wipe the blood off her face and then was like, “Give me your gloves,” ’cause Peggy was wearing gloves, and made her give her her gloves so her hands would be covered, because she had blood on her hands. 

Em: Eugh. 

Christine: And poor Peggy is like, “Okay, I guess.” Um, and so then Clara fucking dropped Peggy off and drove Alberta’s brand new Ford back to her own house, leaving Alberta’s body behind. She got home. Uh, she’s still like covered in blood, even though she’s wearing Peggy’s gloves. Um, and she throws her arms around her husband, Armour, and she says– 

Em: Wait, her bloody hands that are hidden– 

Christine: She’s– 

Em: –are wrapped around her husband right now? 

Christine: She’s covered in blood. 

Em: [gasps] 

Christine: She’s just crazy. So she’s like, “Give me your h– gloves so my hands aren’t bloody.” 

Em: And now she’s hugging her husband? 

Christine: Yes. 

Em: W– Blegh. 

Christine: So she grabs her husband, Armour, and she says, quote, “Darling, I have killed the one you love most in this world. Now I’m going to cook you the best supper you ever had.” 

[audience exclaiming in shock] 

Em: Okay. [chuckles in shock] 

Christine: Em, what do you think it was? 

Em: Was it, was it his lover? 

Christine: No, but what do you think the supper was? 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: Was it steak? 

Christine: I don’t know it. 

Em: Oh! 

Christine: I’m just wondering. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I thought– I assumed like it– 

Christine: I just I am trying– 

Em: In a, in a real– In a– 

Christine: I’m like fantasizing like what could it possibly– 

Em: I mean, the cla– the classic answer would be like, oh, it’s the body that she just killed. 

Christine: No, god, no. 

Em: But she left it. That’s not– I would imagine like– 

Christine: No, no, she literally was like, “I will cook you your favorite fucking meal.” 

Em: Oh, she meant that part romantically? 

Christine: Yeah, she was like– 

Em: Oh! [chuckles] 

Christine: –“I’ve done it. I’ve killed your love.” 

Em: I thought in the same deranged way, she was like– 

Christine: Oh, no, no. She’s– 

Em: –“I killed her, and now you’re gonna eat it.” No? Okay, I need a therapist. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: No, Em. 

Em: Got it. 

Christine: If you need a minute to catch up, that’s fine. 

Em: No, I’m there. 

Christine: Okay. [laughs] No, she just was like– thought this was like the most romantic gesture of all time. 

Em: Okay. Well, I hope then she cooked him steak. 

Christine: Let’s go with that– 

Em: ‘kay. 

Christine: –’cause they didn’t actually tell me, and I was actually really annoyed ’cause I looked at a lot of articles. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: And everyone was like, “She cooked him the best meal ever.” And I was like, “Well, why the fuck aren’t you telling me?” 

Em: If it’s the best meal ever, it’s newsworthy. 

Christine: Yeah, yeah. You gotta– 

Em: You should write about it. 

Christine: You– If you’re gonna know that, if you’re gonna know how much of her hands are covered in blood, you gotta tell me what she cooked. So apparently, she cooked him the best meal ever. And then, um, meanwhile, police obviously found the body of Alberta and said she was so mangled it looked as though she had been attacked by a tiger. 

Em: [gasps] 

Christine: So later– 

Em: Oh, Tiger Woman! 

Christine: –when newspapers got this info, they gave Clara, Clara the nickname “Tiger Woman.” 

Em: Oh no. 

Christine: So Armour, her husband, is like, “Oh, fuck,” and he panics, and he tells Clara, “You gotta get out of here.” So he drives to– he drives her to Pomona. They abandon Alberta’s car. Then they return to LA and spend the night at a downtown hotel before Armour then puts Clara on a train to Arizona. So he’s like, “Goodbye. Get out of here. I’ll cover for you.” Then– 

Em: Oh? 

Christine: Yeah. I know, right? 

Em: [chuckles] Wow. 

Christine: I know. What a– I mean, she must have cooked a really good steak. [chuckles] 

Em: She must’ve– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: That sounds like really the best dinner to just alter your mind. 

Christine: Oof. He’s like, “Uh-uh.” So a few hours later, he’s like, “Oh. What have I done?” 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Mm-hmm. Um, and then he’s like, “I’ve made a big mistake.” 

Em: “Mis-steak.” 

Christine: Big “mis-steak.” 

Em: Mm-hmm. 

Christine: Good one, Em. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Good one, Em. I love it. I love it. Write that down, Eva. Um, so they– 

Audience member: Drink! 

Christine: [chuckles] They drive– Okay, they did drive to Pomona. We already went there. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 

Em: We’re in Arizona now. 

Christine: We’re in Arizona. Sure. So they rai– Okay. So he goes to the police, and he’s like, “My fucking wife murdered someone,” and they’re like, “Uh-oh, okay.” So they raid the train– 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: That’s what they said back then. [laughs] They– 

Em: “Uh-oh. Okay.” 

Christine: They– [laughs] 

Em: That’s what I’d say too. “Ohh!” 

Christine: “Ohh! Okay.” 

Em: “Whoops.” 

Christine: They raided the train, and she was arrested. And her trial created a sensation. People were literally sending like love letters and flowers and candy to her cell ’cause she was like a beautiful, white, rich lady, and they were like, “Oh, wow.” You know, she’s like a– 

Em: A rich white lady. 

Christine: She was like a media– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Yeah, she was like a media sensation, and people were in love with her. Um, but so, uh, here’s a newspaper article that says “convicted hammer slayer.” Okay. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Um, oh, yeah, she escapes. I’m not allowed to tell you about that yet. Okay, let’s stay there. [laughs] 

Em: Listen, I put the pictures in the order you told me to put the pictures in. 

Christine: I know. I think I messed up the order. It’s fine. 

Em: I mean, we just got a little sneak peek. 

Christine: It’s my fault. 

Em: It’s fine. 

Christine: Okay, so people were sending letters and flowers, and she was smiling in all her photos, and people were like– Her husband was always with her like, “No, I support her to the end.” And then on the fucking stand, Clara has the gall to accuse Peggy – remember Peggy? – of being the one to murder her friend. And she’s like, “No, Peggy bought the hammer, and Peggy was the one who killed uh Alberta.” 

Em: Can you imagine how jaw dropped Peggy– Like– 

Christine: How awful? I know. Poor– 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Poor, poor fucking Peggy is already like traumatized by watching this girl roll a boulder onto this other lady. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: [chuckles] 

Christine: And then she’s like, “No, [chuckles] she did it.” Poor Peggy. So poor Peggy is like, “I really don’t have anything to do with it.” Now, this– 

Audience: [unintelligible] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Poor Peggy is right. Now, this is interesting. So there were, uh– There’s like a jury. The three women i– on the jury wanted to see her hang. Um– 

Em: Peggy? 

Christine: Yep. They– No, not Peggy, Peggy– 

Em: Oh, okay. 

Christine: Clara, Clara. Clara. 

Em: I was like, “What?” Okay. 

Christine: So nobody believed her story about Peggy. Sorry. Yeah. 

Em: Got it, got it. Okay. Phew. 

Christine: No– Nob– Everyone was like, “You’re so full of shit.” So– In the 1920s way that you say that. Um– 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: –so the three women on the jury wanted to see her hang, but supposedly, her smile had softened the hearts of the male jurors. 

[audience exclaiming in shock] 

Christine: She was just so sweet. 

Em: And she batted her eyes. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: That’s all it takes. 

Christine: Yeah. What an angel. Um, so the women– the female jurors compromised on second-degree murder. Uh, so she was tried and found guilty of second-degree murder. And uh a few days later– I know I already kind of ruined this, but she, uh– 

Em: Let me guess! 

Christine: –sawed her way out of her jail ce– jail cell [chuckles] and escaped. 

[scattered audience members whoop] 

Christine: I know, right? Apparently– 

Em: She’s not just a pretty face, guys. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: [laughs] I know you all thought it, but– 

Em: Uh-huh. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: She apparently sawed her way out of her jail cell, climbed to the roof, and jumped to another building, and then they found six hacksaws in her cell. 

Audience members: [exclaiming] What? 

Christine: Apparently, apparently, the fact that she was like kind of wealthy and like white and pretty– like she had talked another– like a guard into kind of helping her with the escape. But still– 

Em: “I need a couple hacksaws.” 

Christine: “Just six–“ 

Em: “Shh, don’t–“ 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: “I only need six–“ 

Em: “You’re not gonna get in trouble. I’m not gonna get in trouble.” 

Christine: “Just, just– I’ll pay you later.” 

Em: [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: “One hacksaw is not enough.” 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: So six hacksaws later, she fucking escapes, and she’s on the lam. So– Hold on. Let me rearrange this. Okay. 

Em: Alright. 

Christine: Within four months, after a newspaper reporter tipped authorities uh to her whereabouts, uh Clara was found in Honduras. Yeah, that’s where she had escaped to. And she was brought back in handcuffs. Uh, she was in jail for 12 years, and while behind bars, um, these are some fun things she did. 

Em: Oh, I can’t wait. 

Christine: Do you want to know all the things she did in 12 years? 

Em: Uh, yeah-huh. 

Christine: Oh, yeah. Here we go. One, she found religion. 

Em: Wow. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Two, she trained to be a dental technician. Three, she learned to play the saxophone. Four, she wrote and directed a play called A Satire of Stage Life. And five, she organized a seven-piece orchestra. 

Em: Wow. 

Christine: Thank you, Clara, for your contributions to the arts. A Renaissance woman. Thank you, indeed. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Oh, here we go. This is her missing on the lam. 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Sorry. 

Em: It’s like all of a sudden like I was like the prepared one today– 

Christine: [laughs] 

Em: –and all of a sudden, you’re like doing my eighth grade reports. 

Christine: It’s only because that one headline I didn’t realize said that she escaped and that ruined– 

Em: I know it was a snowball effect. 

Christine: It ruined the whole thing. 

Em: It’s fine. It’s fine. 

Christine: I’m sorry. 

Em: I’ll take the blame. 

Christine: Oh god, go away. You’re not supposed to see that yet. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: This is so fun, isn’t it? Okay. [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Okay, guys. So she’s– Anyway, she’s a dental technician who’s like religious now and has an orchestra or something. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: So she says in a 1931 jailhouse interview, and I quote, “I don’t know whether I killed Alberta Meadows or not, but if I did, I did it for mother love. I fought with Alberta on top of Montecito Drive to protect the only love I have ever known. I did what any mother in the world would do if she saw her baby being, being taken from her.” 

Em: What are you doing? 

Christine: Uh– [laughs] 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: This is a dramatic reading. 

Em: Oh. Do you want me to hold that– anything for you? 

Christine: I don’t know how to get this out. 

Em: Uh, you’re– You just got to really want it, I think. There you go. Oh, Jesus. 

Christine: Alright. 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: Thank you. “Armour L. Phillips is my baby.” 

Em: Wait, what? 

Christine: Her hu– her husband. 

Em: Oh, okay. 

Christine: Yep. “Armour L. Phillips is my baby. He has been my only baby. He is my very life, and when I realized he was being taken from me, I fought, fought, fought – so that I might always have him.” I know this is like slam poetry. [laughs] 

Em: “I fought, fought, fought!” 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Uh, “–I fought, fought, fought – so that I might always have him,” forever. 

Em: Now bow. 

[audience cheering and clapping] 

Em: [laughs] 

Christine: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Em: Really even scared me. I– 

Christine: Wow, that was a wild ride. I feel really weird about that. Um, so she was released in 1935, so after only 12 years. Um, and people in California were pissed off because uh she had been– basically she had been promised a guaranteed parole date because she decid– she agreed not to fight her extradition from Honduras. So they were like, “Okay, well, if you don’t fight it, then we’ll guarantee to parole you after 12 years.” So there– Like nobody had a choice. She was paroled after only 12 years in 1935. And when she was released from prison, hundreds of people gathered and shouted, “Tiger Woman! Tiger Woman!” which I don’t know what that was supposed to like do? 

Em: Yeah. [chuckles] 

Christine: Support? I mean, it sounds like– 

Em: I– 

Christine: I’m sure she loved it. 

Em: I mean, at the end, it j– it at least paints a picture. 

Christine: It paints a picture indeed. Um, and it really plays into my “And That’s Why We Draw,” so at least I can just– 

Em: When in doubt. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Em: There’s the silver lining. It took like 80 years. 

Christine: [chuckles] And it’s just all for me. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Uh, okay. So, buh-buh-buh-buh bah beep boop bop. [sighs] 

Audience members: Drink! 

Christine: [sighs] Shhh-shit. 

[audience laughing] 

Christine: Okay. Uh, so she actually was supposed to be released earlier, believe it or not. But she had lost some time because she had been writing explicit love letters to a man named Thomas J. Price, who was a young convict working as an electrician, and she was writing him very sexual letters. So they were like, “We’re gonna add years onto your time.” 

Em: Oh! 

Christine: I know. So she got out after 12 years anyway and moved to San Diego to care for her mother. And three years later, she and Armour, her baby, baby, baby– 

Em: [gasps] Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby– [trails off] 

Christine: –got divorced. 

[audience exclaims softly] 

Em: Oh… [chuckles] 

[audience laughing] 

Em: That was a good one. 

Christine: So that ended. Um, incidentally, Armour, her husband, while she was, you know, becoming a dental technician and all this fun stuff she did in jail, he also had a lively time while she was in prison. So um, at various times, he faced charges for assault at a Christmas party, traffic violations, grand theft auto, and running a bogus film school. 

Em: Hm. Who does that remind you of? 

Christine: So a– What? 

Em: Bogus– 

Christine: Bogus film schools? 

Em: –schools in general? 

Christine: I don’t know. 

Em: I don’t know. I– 

Christine: What does it remind you of? [laughs] 

Em: Doesn’t, doesn’t– Oh, that’s a business school. I was thinking of Trump. 

[audience laughing] 

Em: I just thought phony school, and I was like [makes a buzzer sound], “Mm!” and then I totally neglected film. 

Christine: Alright. 

Em: Whoops. 

Christine: So that is the story of Clara. 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: Crazy, crazy Clara. Let’s see if I can put this back in. 

Em: There you go. 

Christine: Anyway, thank you guys so much for coming out to our third live show. We love you so much. 

[audience cheering] 

Christine: It means so much that you’re here. And– 

Em: That’s– 

Christine: Why– 

Audience members: Why– 

Em: We– 

Audience: Drink! 

Christine: Drink! Yay! 

[audience cheering and clapping] 

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