Listener Stories: Vol. 114

Stories:

1: My UFO/ET experience - Alicia (She\Her)
2: Aliens Crashed Our Wedding - McKenna
3: Aliens - Anonymous
4: Was I almost abducted by aliens in West Virginia? - Virginia (she/her)
5: My mother is an alien??!?! - Megan (she/her)
6: Alien Encounter - Tayler (She/Her)

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Welcome to April! Is it too late to pull a prank on everyone and just chat about Tai Chi for the entire episode? This month we're delving into alien and UFO encounters thanks to the suggestion from Patron Taylor, she/her. Join us for a wild and unidentified ride covering everything from unexplained bumps and lights to ominous timetables on West Virginia backroads. We're bringing you otherworldly vibes this April. And can anyone tell us the difference between alien implants and lawnmower shrapnel?? And that's why we drink...

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Transcript

[Rotating ads vary, for a full list of current podcast sponsors visit andthatswhywedrink.com/sponsors]

[intro music]

Christine: Oh, are we ready, I guess? [chuckles]

Em: We are. Yes.

Christine: [chuckles] I was just staring at my computer, like waiting for something to happen.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Um– [laughs]

Em: I still wait for like the teacher to come into the room and go–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: –“Okay, it’s time to begin.” But no. Um–

Christine: Well, you have been taking a lot of classes, so you would be in the mindset of a student. I can understand that a little bit.

Em: I, I am. And, and my ASL class is definitely my favorite one I’m taking, but the teacher, to get our attention, just claps really loud.

Christine: [gasps]

Em: And to be fair, she is actually hard of hearing, and so I don’t think she realizes how loud the clap is. And so she–

Christine: Oh. Oh, I bet she does.

Em: –bang! Bang!

Christine: Oh, I bet she does. I bet you that’s why she fucking does it. [laughs]

Em: And it works, so she, she knows for sure it’s working at least, but.

Christine: Wow. I’ll start just– Well, we do clap at the beginning of, of this. And it does usually just startle Gio out of his nap, so.

Em: Aw. Puppy.

Christine: Yeah, try, try to um, you know– I did qigong yoga today.

Em: How was that? And did you go somewhere for that or was that in home?

Christine: I went to the Y– uh, the YMCA.

Em: [gasps] And?

Christine: I know. I’m a proud member of the YMCA now as of today. And I’m so– I– My mom has been like holding out on me for years. She like goes to the Y, and she always framed it as just like, “Oh, a bunch of old people and I do like, uh, water aerobics,” and I’m like, “Ok–“ like senior water aerobics, and I’m like, “Okay, cool.” Well, I didn’t know like you get this YMCA thing, you can go to any one in the greater Cincinnati area. They have like a crazy amount of like classes and pools, and you can reserve everything on the app. And I’m like, “What have I been missing out here?” So I did qigong yoga with my mother.

Em: Mm!

Christine: Um–

Em: Was that fun?

Christine: I watched– Watching her do plow– try– attempt to do Plow Pose was really remarkable.

Em: Okay. [chuckles]

Christine: Um, it’s the one where you lay on your back and then you pull your– you put your toes over your head–

Em: Ah!

Christine: –like that and hold your b– your low back.

Em: No.

Christine: And like it’s one of my favorites, and I lo– And, of course, my mom is so competitive, and she’s a Leo, and she’s just– She’s a Leo– By the way, fuck me. She’s a Leo Sun and a Leo Rising. I found out last week–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –and I’m like, “No wonder.” And so she’s over there like trying to like roll herself over. I’m like, “We’re gonna end up in the emergency room if you try this any– like you don’t need to do Plow Pose right now. It’s just– You’re okay.”

Em: My mom and I are very, um, meant to be when it come– Like we’re very different, but the second it comes to something like doing Plow Pose in front of others–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: –for the first time–

Christine: [laughs]

Em: –we’ll both look at each other and go, “We can– Let’s just go to lunch. Let’s pack up. Time–“

Christine: I like– I’m like, “Mom, look what I can do.”

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: ’Cause I just know it’ll piss her right off.

Em: No.

Christine: And she’s just like, “I can do it too,” and I’m like, “Uh-huh.” And then I’m like, “Please stop hur– You’re going to hurt yours–“ And she do– She’s very act– She’s very “sportive”– sporty. She’s more active– far more active than I am, so I’m not like uh, you know, dissing her for that. But like I’m like, “Man, if we’re gonna be doing qigong and you’re gonna get competitive with me like– I don’t know. We’re gonna have a really weird spiritual experience. Like I think this is about surrender and energy flow, but I guess if you’re over there like trying to throw your legs over your head because I just did it–“

Em: It’s–

Christine: “–and you have to prove it–“

Em: It’s fascinating to me to hear what other people will do for the sake of competition because like I– with my– If I don’t know with confidence that all of us are bad–

Christine: [laughs]

Em: –and therefore, what’s the point?

Christine: Oh, 100%.

Em: But like–

Christine: You could not pay me to behave that– Like and I think– I’m like learning so much about astrology, and I’m like, “Damn, she is such a fucking Leo.” It’s– Love her to death, but damn. Like–

Em: I love a Leo.

Christine: –tone it down.

Em: I love a Leo. But also I think like I, I just don’t– I– That sounds like a hell– a day of hell to me. I’m so glad you had fun, but I’m so happy I wasn’t there.

Christine: Oh, it was delightful. And then they had these little s– uh, like so you tap– It’s sort of like that– We did tapping. It’s very relaxing most of it. That was just me being like really annoying, you know, and like triggering her and like, you know, just doing the usual song and dance.

Em: Would have triggered me. I would have looked at your mom too and been like, “Lunch? Let’s go, come on.” [laughs]

Christine: Yeah, lit– "Let’s leave.” Yeah. Um, but it was great. We– And you do tapping. We did a little bit like– So it’s like energy flow and stuff, and they have these little like tappers. And they’re these kind of handled things, and they’re like gentle, but you tap to like release your energy. And it feels really nice, like almost like a massage. And my mom starts just like swacking me on the butt with it, and I’m like this– like every f– I’m like, “We are gonna get kicked out of the YMCA of downtown Cincinnati.” Um, and she kept going, “I brought you here when you were a baby. Do you remember?” And I’m like, “No, I don’t remember.”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Anyway, I had a– That was 10 a.m. I don’t know what got into me today, but I’m–

Em: I don’t know either.

Christine: I’m like up here. [Christine raises her hand to the level of her head.] The qigong really got my energy going. Um, I’m wearing a shirt my mother got me that says “murder” on it, and it’s a bunch of crows.

Em: Love. It, it looks–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: I was gonna comment on it when we were, um–

Christine: Yeah, thanks.

Em: –earlier, but we were talking about, um, Quince, and I was like, “I don’t wanna take from those clothes,” you know.

Christine: Right. This one– The rest is Qui– [chuckles]

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: Yeah, this one is a special, uh, in honor of my beautiful mother who can do Plow Pose really well, by the way.

Em: Good for her.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: Good for her. I was hoping to start taking some classes. Um–

Christine: By the way, don’t tell her I said any of this. She’s gonna get mad at me.

Em: Okay.

Christine: Not you. I mean, you also, but everyone listening.

Em: Okay. [laughs] I was thinking about taking like, um, a like a balance kind of class or sh–

Christine: Oh.

Em: But I–

Christine: Cool.

Em: –have yet to find one where– ’Cause then everyone goes, “Oh, well, it’s got– Yoga or Pilates.” I’m like, “No, no, no.”

Christine: No– Yeah. There’s a– Yeah. Yeah. Even today, I was like, “I thought this was energy flow.” And like then the second Plow Pose started happening, I was like, “We’re all going off the rails here.”

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Like this is supposed to be a very s– unique experience of no stress or sweat.

Em: You know what really sets me off about yoga and Pilates is that–

Christine: Mm.

Em: –everyone says like, “Oh, no. This one’s for beginners.” I’m like, “I have yet to even see–“

Christine: I–

Em: “–a beginning experience.”

Christine: As a, as a, as a yoga lover, I totally agree with you–

Em: Okay, thank you.

Christine: –because I used to be petrified. And I would go to these classes ’cause I wanted to learn, and they’d be like, “It is the beginner class.” And then everyone’s like, “Now get– Sun Salutation.” I’m like, “What–“

Em: It–

Christine: “–the fuck is that?”

Em: It’s the equivalent to me of someone’s like saying, “Oh, it’s beginner math,” and it’s fucking calculus, and I’m like, “What do you mean?” Like I think–

Christine: Well, I– It’s sort– I feel like it’s sort of saying like, “Oh, i-if you’ve never done math before, don’t worry. This is a beginner class.” And they’re like, “All right, so everyone, let’s say, what’s two plus two?” And it’s like, “Well, I don’t fucking know what math is.”

Em: Yes.

Christine: Like, it’s like it’s beginner, but like you don’t even have an understanding of it. And I, I feel that way too. And that’s why I think it’s getting so much more popular to do like– and not getting– Okay, I’m like ten years behind, but like internet– like Yoga With Adriene–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: –you know, all the things that like, you know, you can access now, and then– now I can go to a yoga studio and be like, “Oh, I can hold my own.” But at the beginning, I was like– And some people don’t mind. Like my mom’s like, “Whatever. I’ll just learn as I go.”

Em: Sure.

Christine: And I’m like, “No, I’m gonna hide in the back and like do it on the internet instead.” [chuckles]

Em: I– Yeah, ’cause like I, I just want– Like I noticed I’m officially at like the age where like if I’m standing on one leg for too long, I begin to wobble, and I was like, “Oh, I don’t love that.” And so–

Christine: Oh, I see. Yeah, the balance goes. Yeah.

Em: So I would like to start like do– t–

Christine: That’s–

Em: –doing stretches or exercises that like help with that or like some strength training that–

Christine: Well, I was looking into tai– like tai chi, which is how I found qigong.

Em: Okay.

Christine: And they’re both Chinese, but I think, uh, tai chi is much more just like m-move– like slow movement.

Em: Mm.

Christine: Like I don’t think there’s any– And it’s a martial art technically. Blaise and I got into like this discussion on martial arts. And I was like, “How did I end up doing this to myself?”

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: Um, but I was like, “I’m gonna be doing martial arts just like you,” ’cause he does jiujitsu. And–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –he’s like, “Yeah, I can’t wait for you to beat me up,” and I was like, “I fucking might. Okay?”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Um, but anyway, tai chi would be maybe something you could look into ’cause that’s very– That’s why people always say like old people do it, but it’s like really good for you ’cause it’s–

Em: I love doing–

Christine: – a lot of balance and a lot of like– Yeah.

Em: I love doing things that old people do. Like I– And they always–

Christine: Totally.

Em: They say it that way as if that’s gonna keep me from doing it, but– H–

Christine: As if it’s a bad thing, right.

Em: Has anyone heard of bingo? That’s, that’s the best– That’s the most fun I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Christine: [laughs]

Em: [chuckles] What are you talking about?

Christine: Anyone? Anyone? [laughs]

Em: [laughs] Um, no. I– Thank you for suggesting that ’cause I, uh, I need to do something, but I– the last thing I will do– If I sign up for a yoga class, I’m going to one and never doing it again. Like it’s just– it’s–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: –not–

Christine: Yeah, yeah.

Em: –my idea of fun.

Christine: It took me many years to get comfortable with going to yoga classes like out of the blue. But, um–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: –tai chi might be– I mean, I’m gonna look into it myself too. I’ve been wanting to find a class on it. But, um–

Em: I like– I wanna take a class that was essentially the first five minutes of PE class every day where it was like, “Oh, let’s sit on the ground and try to touch our toes.” That’s kind of just what I want. Like I just–

Christine: Oh, yeah. Just like– So maybe instead of senior, you go to preschool. [laughs]

Em: Yeah. [laughs] I just go– Like Billy Madison.

Christine: [laughs] Roll around.

Em: I’m like, “Is there a spot for me?”

Christine: Yeah, Billy Madison. You just go to like the YMCA kids’ club. They do have a kids club. And you just–

Em: Not creepy at all. We can’t wait.

Christine: You have– [chuckles] Oh, yeah. I was gonna say, “You do have a membership card,” and then I was like, “Never mind. You’re going to jail if you try this.”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Um–

Em: Maybe I’ll just like– I’ll just pretend I brought a kid, and I’ll just like– I’ll watch from the window. No, that’s creepy too.

Christine: You can bring Leona.

Em: That’s creepy too.

Christine: Yeah, just kidding. But you can babysit Leona and then just be like, “Let’s learn together.” And, um–

Em: I know– I feel like I would actually benefit from testing my own skills on Wobbly Mountain ’cause the whole point is I’m a little wobbly.

Christine: Oh, maybe she needs to teach a class.

Em: That’s what I’m saying. That’s what I’m saying.

Christine: Okay. Okay. See, we’re going. We’re getting things going. Happy April 1.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: It’s April Fools' Day. Can’t you tell? We’re the biggest fools of all. Um–

Em: We– I definitely forgot that we were doing the listeners episode for a second.

Christine: None of– N– I guess I did too, and I bullied my mom a little bit, and I’m like, “Oops! Um, April Fools'. I was just kidding.”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: She did really– It was all a joke, Mom.

Em: The, the real–

Christine: It’s April Fools'.

Em: It–

Christine: It’s opposite day.

Em: If we should– If we did do a true April Fools' episode, we should have just not done stories and just kept talking about tai chi for 45 minutes and then hung up and– [laughs]

Christine: [laughs] That would have been really funny. Is it too late to just keep talking about martial arts and what makes a martial art? Oh my god.

Em: Anyway, well, happy April 1 to everybody. Um, this is my annual reminder that my mom’s birthday is tomorrow, and I need to call her. Um–

Christine: Oh, she’s 4/2. Yes.

Em: ’Cause she’s an Aries through and through. I have yet to do her big three, but I have a feeling she’s a triple Aries. Um–

Christine: I was gonna say I don’t think you need to ’cause uh, as discussed, we got– Yeah. Why am I talking about Leos? We got Aries season here. We’re in April.

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: Come on, Christine, get it together. Um, Aries also a frightening but enjoyable sign to me. Um, you– We really gas each other up–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –those Geminis and those, um, Aries. It’s a– it’s quite a combination. Renée, my stepmother, they’re all Aries. Yeah. It’s, uh– They’re–

Em: I have no f–

Christine: They're characters.

Em: I have one friend who’s an Aries/Taurus cusp, and boy, do they terrify me. But, um–

Christine: Ah.

Em: The T–

Christine: Oh, yeah, that’s a little scary. I don’t really head into that Taurus territory. [laughs]

Em: It’s just intense and stubborn, and both are like kind of not afraid to be mean, and I’m like, “Oh my god.” [chuckles]

Christine: And I’m just like totally air-headed and two-faced, and I’m like, “I’m sorry. We’re not gonna get along.”

Em: No.

Christine: “I think you’re not gonna like where I’m at.” [chuckles]

Em: [sighs] Well, I, uh– Yes. Happy April 1. We have some stories for you, um, and this month the topic was picked by, uh – which listener? Which listener? I’m trying to click it – oh, uh, our patron named Taylor (she/her). Thank you, Taylor, for picking our topic this month, which– Would you like to announce it, Christine? It feels very up your a-alley.

Christine: I can’t find it. [chuckles]

Em: It is–

Christine: I mean, I don’t–

Em: I’ll do it.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: You ready? Just–

Christine: You tell me.

Em: Just react really big.

Christine: Okay.

Em: The topic this month chosen by Taylor (she/her)–

Christine: Yep. Yep.

Em: –aliens and UFO encounters.

Christine: [gasps] No! Okay. I’m amped. Hell yeah.

Em: So we have, uh, several, picked by Taylor but, uh, vetted by Eva. Thank you so much, uh, to both of you for this month’s episode.

Christine: Yes. Okay. I guess– Should I go first? I don’t know.

Em: Yes. Are you drinking anything, Christine?

Christine: Oh, you know, I left– I was drinking my water. Uh, I don’t know if you heard, I did cheat on yoga today, and I was drinking water, and now I, I left it downstairs. So it– My, my cup is empty.

Em: I see.

Christine: How about you?

Em: My cup– Um, well, I’m actually drinking out of an, an– out of– Let me figure out how to use words. Jesus Christ. I’m drinking out of an And That’s Why We Drink mug. Um–

Christine: That, that is a hard– That’s a tongue twister, so.

Em: [slowly] I’m drinking out of an And That’s Why We– an And That’s Why We Drink mug.

Christine: Yeah, that’s hard.

Em: And you can’t tell because it is my personal favorite where it’s– the, the heat changes it.

Christine: [gasps]

Em: You can see kind of by the light, but– So it’s an EMF detector, and when–

Christine: Aww.

Em: –when the mug is hot, a ghost appears and the meter starts having all these lights glow.

Christine: This was an Em original, wasn’t it?

Em: I did design this. Yeah.

Christine: Em designed this. And this is like the ki– It’s really kickass.

Em: And on the back, uh, it’s black, but then when it’s hot, as you can see, And That’s Why We Drink also appears. It’s a–

Christine: Do you know that I think I have that in my cabinet, but I– it’s faced the wrong way, and I just think it’s a black mug.

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: I’m just realizing like I’m pretty sure it’s at the top of my cabinet, and I– ’Cause I’m like, “What is that mug up there?”

Em: Well–

Christine: [gasps] That’s a cool mug.

Em: I love this mug. I think it’s such a good idea. Shockingly, it– nobody else seemed to be impressed by it. Like not, not– I’m saying like it’s never really like sold out the way in my mind it would have, but, um, but if you want one yourself–

Christine: You’re just like ahead of your time, an unrecognized genius.

Em: I think it’s just so funny. Um, but so it was– The ghost was here for a while, but, um, the tea–

Christine: Do you know what I think we need to do–

Em: –has gotten cold.

Christine: –with it though is make it bigger.

Em: I–

Christine: I don’t ever go for the little mugs. Like they’re too little.

Em: Now you’re on to something.

Christine: Is that how you feel too?

Em: ’Cause I– The one thing–

Christine: ’Cause otherwise I would have figured out what that mug at the top of the shelf was. I would have been curious, but it’s so small that I was like, “Well, I kinda want my big mugs.”

Em: The one thing I hate about this is that I love a–

Christine: Yes. They’re tiny.

Em: I want a big cozy pa–

Christine: Totally.

Em: –papa bear mug. You know what I’m saying?

Christine: Okay. So maybe we do a new one where we incorporate your same design, but we just like do a bigger mug? And then maybe we’ll finally–

Em: You know what we should do, Christine?

Christine: –get– What should we do?

Em: We should have three mugs of three different sizes. Th– See, this is why–

Christine: Oh–

Em: –I’m not allowed to suggest merch anymore–

Christine: I’m already–

Em: –because I go too big.

Christine: This is wh– This is why Katie has cut us out of all of the planning sessions ’cause this is how we behave. That’s not true.

Em: But I was gonna say–

Christine: Katie did not do that, but we deserve to be cut out of the meetings.

Em: Well, what if we had three different coffee mugs with three different sizes? They each have a different piece of equipment, and they can buy the ghost hunters collection? And they all do different things–

Christine: Ohh.

Em: Like the–

Christine: Well, so–

Em: Hm?

Christine: Oh, so you’d have an espresso. What would the espresso cup be?

Em: Oh, that’d be itty bitty. I don’t know what– Maybe like a little like sound– like, like a wavelength?

Christine: [gasps]

Em: Like a voice came through?

Christine: Oh, that’s cute.

Em: And then the big one could be like a REM-Pod or like the Ovilus and a word comes up. Oh, it could be an Ovilus, and it says “And That’s Why We Drink.” Ah!

Christine: Oh, an Ov– Okay, an Ovilus is good. And then also like what about, um– So we have EMF. That’s excellent. We could do like Ouija?

Em: [gasps]

Christine: Like, like something shows u– um, but that’s kind of our logo. Um–

Em: I like, I like it anyway.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: Anyway.

Christine: Hey, this is an April Fools' episode. We really are just kind of making it that, which I love for us.

Em: If anybody has merch, um, requests, by the way, please comment below because–

Christine: Yeah, we love to know.

Em: – we would love to have merch that you want. Um–

Christine: Yeah, I mean, we want merch we want first and foremost, but secondary to that–

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: –we wanna do what you wanna do also.

Em: Amen. So please send us your suggestions, and if you like the ghost hunters collection, the idea, plea-please, because I love this fucking mug so much.

Christine: I mean, I find it to be an excellent idea.

Em: Thank you. Um, and then– and fun fact, when I’m done with this, I have a backup tea. So we’re, we’re–

[Em holds up their black mug, putting it down and then holding up a tall, turquoise can in their other hand before putting it back down too.]

Christine: Wait, what are you drinking in there, by the way?

Em: Oh, Allison made me tea this morning, very kind.

[Em holds up their black And That’s Why We Drink mug.]

Christine: Oh, lovely.

Em: It’s obviously cold now because the ghost has left.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: And then I–

Christine: [chuckles] The ghost has left.

Em: And then, um, I pulled a future Em gift for myself when I was at the gas station.

[With their other hand, Em holds up a turquoise can of AriZona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey.]

Em: I thought, “Tomorrow, when I look in the fridge, I’m gonna be really excited when this is there,” so–

Christine: I– Do you know how badly I want that right now? That would be like– That would hit the spot.

Em: Just to make things worse for you–

Christine: This is a ginseng AriZona–

Em: I’ll do–

Christine: Yeah, thanks.

Em: I’ll do the crack.

Christine: It’s an–

Em: Ready?

Christine: It’s one of those green ones with the little jasmine flowers or whatever.

Em: The AriZona teas? Yeah.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: All right, let’s crack into it, Christine. [cracks open the can]

Christine: Let's crack into it. Ah!

Em: That was nice.

Christine: That felt– Ah! That felt nice, but now I’m just thirsty.

Em: [chuckles]

[glass clinks - start of ad break]

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Story 1 – My UFO/ET Experience

Em: Okay. Would you like to do the honors and read the first one, Christine?

Christine: I would love to. This story was sent in by Alicia (she/her), and it is called “My UFO/ET Experience.”

Em: Mm.

Christine: “I was roughly a mere 12 years old, and my family had weekly Sunday night Bible studies (I grew up Catholic). We were reading Revelations in our dining room–“ By the way, that’s an intense thing to be reading in your dining room. That’s like– It’s not even very Catholic. That’s very like um, I don’t know, Evangelical.

Em: Ooh, okay.

Christine: Like Revelations is where the world like ends.

Em: Oh, okay.

Christine: Um–

Em: Yuck.

Christine: That’s the chapter of the Old Testament where it’s like fiery brimstone, you know. It’s– Anyway. “We were reading Revelations in our dining room which faced the glass door that led to our back patio. I kept hearing light tapping on the door. I looked over and saw what looked like a slender, normal proportioned creature in the nude.”

Em: Mm.

Christine: “It definitely was not human as, from what I remember, it walked strangely and its skin was opaque.”

Em: Ugh!

Christine: “The weird part starts here.” I wonder if they mean like tr–

Em: [chuckles] Wrong. The weird part started earlier.

Christine: [laughs] Yeah, “the weird part starts here”? I didn’t even catch that.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I wonder if by “its skin was opaque” that she means like its skin was see-th– like transparent? Or like–

Em: Yeah, that’s what it sounds like to me.

Christine: Yuck. “The weird part starts here.” [chuckles]

Em: [chuckles] Beg to differ.

Christine: Okay, everybody, buckle up. As we can all agree, this is just a normal evening–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –of reading Revelations at the dinner table with your Catholic family and seeing a see-through Slender Man out the door. Okay. “The weird part starts here. My parents took Bible study seriously and would not let us kids get distracted or let us leave the table unless for a potty break. As I walk toward the back door, the creature runs away. I open the door and run through my backyard looking for it but found nothing. When I came back at least 30 minutes later–“ Oh my god. “–my family hadn’t even noticed I was gone.”

Em: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, s–

Christine: “I will never know what I saw. Also, my brother accidentally summoned a demon, but that’s a story for another time.”

Em: Classic.

Christine: And that’s the end.

Em: I–

Christine: Wow. Classic.

Em: [sighs] So it seems like– I would imagine the alien UFO experience here is that the parents– like the family lost time and like didn’t even notice–

Christine: Yeah!

Em: –but like it wanted, it wanted–

Christine: Ew!

Em: –her to know.

Christine: [shudders] Ew.

Em: Right? Am I wr– That feels–

Christine: I mean, that’s what I think. I feel like your family was just like in this like trance almost or like missing time.

Em: Oof. Yeah.

Christine: Yuck-o. And to be reading Revelations, I mean, really that is like a very bizarre experience.

Em: I imagine it certainly, uh, set the scene.

Christine: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it would match tonally, for sure.

Story 2 – Aliens Crashed Our Wedding

Em: Well, we have another story. This is from McKenna, uh, and I think also, uh, Christian. At the bottom, it says Christian and McKenna, so this is from the two of them. It is called “Aliens Crashed Our Wedding.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: Oh my. Okay.

Christine: Oh my, oh my.

Em: Well, I–

Christine: Drama.

Em: This is why I don’t believe in marriage, everybody, because those aliens–

Christine: Oh my gosh.

Em: –those pesty little–

Christine: Add it to the list.

Em: [chuckles] I know.

Christine: Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

Em: So McKenna says, “Hello, beautiful humans and fur babies. My name is McKenna. I’ve been listening to your show for a while now, and I introduced my new husband to your show a while ago, and we’ve both been obsessed. So this last weekend, we got married–“ and by “this last weekend”–

Christine: Congratulations.

Em: It was–

Christine: Yeah, when was it?

Em: –2019. It was pre-COVID.

Christine: Okay. [laughs] Oh my god. Okay. Wow. This is– Wow. Okay. This is an old one, huh?

Em: And 2019, by the way–

Christine: Congratulations.

Em: 2019 means that we– like we were only two years into this.

Christine: What if they’re divorced?

Em: Oh, Christian.

Christine: I mean, I doubt it, right?

Em: What did you do?

Christine: I don’t know. I’m sorry.

Em: [sighs]

Christine: I’m– I hope you’re still together and happy. And if you’re not together, I hope you’re happy either way.

Em: Well, this is extra fun because I was just in Idaho last week, and, uh, it says, “We are currently living in Idaho–”

Christine: OMG.

Em: I don’t know where you are now, but you were in Idaho then.

Christine: Mm-hmm.

Em: “–while Christian finishes up school. Our wedding was in Nashville, and we decided that we would road trip from Idaho to Nashville, which was so much fucking driving. Uh, we had been driving non-stop. It was night, and I’m hella blind, so Christian was driving, and I was asleep in the passenger seat. All of a sudden, he starts hitting my leg going, ‘Babe, babe, look, look, look.’”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “And I grumpily sit up, and he is pointing out the window, and right in front of us are these weird lights in the sky.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “Since Christian saw it best, here is how he describes it: um, ‘we saw four lights directly in front of us. They are in a square shape, and maybe it was a rhombus?’” Which is so funny, ’cause apparently this is Christian’s description and does not know about our issue with rhombuses. Um–

Christine: Oh, okay, okay, okay. Wow. Ooh, well, he’s just– That’s a tricky, tricky spot, Christian.

Em: Tricky spot. I– I’m having a hard time understanding the rhombus shape.

Christine: I’m not sure about this anymore.

Em: “’Shapes are hard. Uh, but at–‘“ [laughs]

Christine: [laughs]

Em: “‘–at first, I thought it was a plane taking off because it was slightly angled, but the longer I looked at it, the more I realized it wasn’t moving.’” So it was like a, a square tilted.

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you mean a rhombus? [laughs]

Em: [laughs] “‘Three of the lights were solid white, and one that looked like it was the tail, uh, had the same solid white light, but it was also– it also had blue and red blinking lights next to it.’”

Christine: Mm.

Em: “‘Since it wasn’t moving, it was hard to judge how far away it was. But as we got closer, I realized it was only about 50 feet off the ground.’”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “’When we even– When we got even closer, the only thing we could see were the lights and something really dark connected to them, but we couldn’t make out a shape.’” Ugh, like a, like a bridge or something to each–

Christine: What the fuck?

Em: “‘ Once we were almost underneath it–‘”

Christine: [gasps] Ooh.

Em: “‘–the lights all shifted, and I started to slow down. I may have–‘“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “‘–started drifting into the lane to my left because–‘” Is this still– This is still fucking Christian talking. Oh my god.

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Em: “‘I may have started drifting into the, the lane to my left because I was obviously distracted, and a semitruck honked–‘”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “‘–and drove past us. This immediately brought my attention back to the road so I could straighten out, and when I looked back in the rearview mirror, the lights were gone.’”

Christine: Oh my god, I thought you were gonna get abducted. I was so scared.

Em: Yeah, I feel like maybe that semi-truck saved you–

Christine: Totally.

Em: –from getting abducted.

Christine: It felt like that was the next step.

Em: It was gearing up.

Christine: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Whoa, that’s creepy.

Em: So then McKenna says, “Here is why this is interesting.” [chuckles] I don’t need you to tell me that, McKenna.

Christine: [chuckles] What’s wrong with you people? We are very impressed already at the beginning of your stories, I promise.

Em: “As this was happening, I was like, ‘Okay, where are we?’ We passed a sign that said Fort C, and I didn’t catch what the other word was, but I knew it started with a C. We thought, ‘Okay, it had to have been an army base because it was called Fort whatever.’”

Christine: Mm-hmm.

Em: “So we thought maybe they were drones, but why are– why would the army have the drones flying so low? Plus, they weren’t even over the army base, just next to it. Then we were like, ‘Maybe someone is using the drones to spy on the army base.’”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “So then I thought, ‘Oh, shit. We just found like a spy or maybe people testing out–‘”

Christine: Ooh.

Em: “‘–their ways to get into Area 51.’”

Christine: Mm.

Em: “Um, anyways, we forgot about this whole thing and didn’t think anything of it until yesterday/today. For our honeymoon, we are driving down Route 66, and on our way, we passed the place where we saw this UFO. But we found, we found out that it was Fort Campbell that we passed. So I googled ‘Fort Campbell aliens,’ and this place got involved with the Hopkinsville alien encounter from episode 105.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: [gasps]

Christine: Oh my god. And you didn’t even like know at the time.

Em: [groans] “What if these were the same aliens from 1955 during the Hopkinsville alien encounter?”

Christine: Ooh.

Em: “Those aliens could possibly be dead. I’m not remembering the story correctly. Plus, I really don’t know what the common alien lifespan is, [chuckles] but it could be aliens, drones, sleep deprivation. I’m more inclined to lean aliens. It was some spooky-ass shit. Uh, love the podcast, and we are especially loving the increase of alien stories.” Good to know. Good to know, so.

Christine: Hell yeah.

Em: Um–

Christine: Well, that was in 2019. I don’t know– [laughs] I don’t know if you’re still around listening to the show, um, or not.

Em: We’ve been doing a lot of Zak Bagans recently, so I’ll have to get back onto aliens.

Christine: That’s true. How do you feel about that direction? Let us know. In six years, we’ll find out.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Um– [laughs] Oh my lord, that was a doozy. Um, I don’t– So I do kind of dream of that. Like sometimes Blaise and I are driving at night on a road trip, and I’m like, “I hope we see a UFO.”

Em: [laughs] You’re sick.

Christine: Like I’m like, “That would be so fucking cool.” I do. I wanna see one so bad, and I want it– Blaise to see one too. I mean, I did see one in Egypt, but it felt like, of course I did. Like that was a very– But I want, I want Blaise to see a UFO ’cause I wanna be like, “See?”

Em: Yeah, I understand that for sure.

Christine: Um– Yeah.

Em: I– The day that Allison sees a ghost, honestly, it might be the scariest day of my life. ’Cause I’m like, “Oh, that means it’s real, for sure.” A–

Christine: Right. It was like a tether to re– to like some sort of safety net where– Yeah, I totally agree.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: It’s like, “You’re the one who’s supposed to be level-headed here.” Yeah.

Em: 100%.

Christine: Um, okay. So thank you for that.

Story 3 – Aliens

Christine: I have another story. [laughs] This one’s, uh– Let’s see. This one’s from [censored beep]. And– Okay, this is cracking me up. Oh my god.

Em: Tell me.

Christine: This is from 2017.

Em: Oof. [sighs] I think–

Christine: Do you know how I know?

Em: How?

Christine: ’Cause I rec– either Eva or– Oh, wait. No, 2018. Okay, hold on. November 2017, [censored beep] says, “Hey, I don’t have anything paranormal, but I have a pretty creepy alien story. If you guys wanna hear it, I’ll send it.” And we said, “Hey [censored beep], of course we do.”

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: “Send it in. Love, ATWWD.” And then this was sent to us January of 2018.

Em: Wow.

Christine: Wow.

Em: January 2018.

Christine: And it’s ca–

Em: It wasn’t even a full year of the podcast yet.

Christine: Um, wow. And I’m so sorry. I’m reading now. The opening says, “Do not use my name if you use this on the podcast.” [laughs] So I’m so sorry, Jack.

Em: So–

Christine: Do you think you could do a little–

Em: [makes a censored beep noise] Beep. Yeah.

Christine: Yeah. Or just cut it out or whatever’s easiest. You could just silence it if you want. Um, wow. My bad. Okay.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: So I mean, that– Again, that was like eight years ago, but I just for– to be safe. Okay.

Em: Somewhere their name– their ears just went, “[gasps] What happened?”

Christine: Oh, they’re like, “What did, what did that stupid podcast do this time?”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: “After they didn’t– that– they ignored my email for eight years and then decided to fucking get involved.”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Oh my god. Okay. I love how I’m like, “Yes, of course we want your story. Send it in,” and then like they send it in and–

Em: In 2026, we finally read it. Oh…

Christine: We're like, “Wow, thanks for this.” [chuckles]

Em: We–

Christine: Okay.

Em: Oh my god.

Christine: Oh my god. It says, “Awesome!” Well, that was in response to my last email. [laughs]

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I said, “Sure, send it on in.” And, uh, this person says, “Awesome! Please don’t use my name or anything if you guys use this on the podcast because my wife’s whole family gets super freaked out when it gets brought up, and I don’t want them to know that I sent this to you.” [laughs]

Em: Oh my god. Okay.

Christine: “Before my wife and I were married, she told me that her mom has this weird bump on her leg.” Oh, fuck me. I’m already freaked out.

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: “My wife’s dad was burned really badly when she was a kid and had to get a lot of MRIs. She has had this little bump of scar tissue on her thigh that hurts if she touches it because it’s all wrapped–“

Em: [sucks in breath]

Christine: “–in the nerves in her leg.”

Em: Eugh.

Christine: This is probably why I didn’t read it. I probably was like, “Agh!” and closed it.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: [chuckles] “The weird thing is there is no incision anywhere. It’s just like this bump of scar tissue, almost like a skin graft. It also turns out her brother and dad have the same thing on their legs. So she was sitting with my father-in-law during an MRI, and her leg was pulled toward the magnets–“

Em: [gasps] Oh.

Christine: “–and she fell out of her chair.” What the fuck?

Em: So it’s magnetic? There’s a fucking magnet in there?

Christine: A very strong one at that, if it’s pulling you out of a fucking chair by the leg.

Em: Not to be like so disgusting, but I feel like if I had enough alcohol in me, I would have just taken an X-Acto knife and just sliced that bitch off–

Christine: Totally.

Em: –and just been like, “What the fuck is going on?”

Christine: Totally. But also then like why have they not noticed in the past that like keys– or not keys. What’s magnetic? I don’t know. A magnet. Like it– [laughs]

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Is it 2018 again? I feel like it’s 2018 again, and I feel like I’m–

Em: Yeah, we’re channeling our old selves, yeah.

Christine: [chuckles] Oh my god. Um, but yeah, like wouldn’t you have noticed that like stuff gets attached to it?

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Maybe things were not– Maybe there weren’t as many magnets back then. How many magnets were there? Is there like an inflation calculator?

Em: One, two, three.

Christine: [laughs] You counting them?

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Um, [laughs] well, anyway. So this is crazy. Alright. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to discount their story, by the way. I’m just–

Em: This is fucking nuts.

Christine: I’m just like thinking aloud here. Okay, so “she was sitting with her father-in-law during an MRI, and her leg was pulled toward the magnets, and she fell out of her chair. So this thing is super magnetic. Anyway, so she then told me when she used to be a nurse, she got home from work and took a bath. She remembers getting in the bath, and in the skylight above the bath, she saw two lights circling in weird patterns. All of their dogs ran to the windows in the living room and were going nuts. She got out of the bath to go check it out. She remembers seeing the lights again outside the windows of the living room. The next thing she remembered after that was waking up in the bath, and the water was freezing.”

Em: [groans]

Christine: Oh. Ew, so she went to look? Probably like in a towel–

Em: Mm.

Christine: –right? And then like woke up in a cold bath. That’s the next thing you remember.

Em: Horrifying. Horrifying.

Christine: I would never take a bath again. I don’t think I could do it. I think I would be like, “Baths are out.”

Em: Yeah. 100%.

Christine: Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. I don’t like that you go look out the window and that’s enough for it to fucking take you.

Em: Mm. [sighs]

Christine: “The next thing she remembered after that was waking up in the bath, and the water was freezing.” Eugh. “I can be a pretty big skeptic. So when I first heard this, I thought she fell asleep or something, but my wife and her dad both had similar experiences together, but that’s a different story. I’m thinking to myself, ‘Whatever, this is probably bullshit,’ and that the thing in her leg was some shrapnel from a mowing accident or something.”

Em: [chuckles] Jesus Christ.

Christine: [chuckles] That’s a good– It’s like a really specific, uh, but like interesting angle. Okay.

Em: I feel like we’re glossing over the fact that there was clearly a lawnmower incident at some point. [chuckles]

Christine: Uh– [laughs] Well, I think they’re envisioning a lawnmower incident.

Em: Oh. [laughs]

Christine: I don’t think that they’re saying there was a lawnmower incident. [laughs] I think they’re saying like, “I’m sure there was just some lawnmower incident that caused this,” you know–

Em: [laughs] Okay, sure.

Christine: –like as, as happens to the best of us, you know, as happens to the best of us.

Em: Yeah, yeah.

Christine: As happen to three members of a family, you know–

Em: [chuckles] Uh-huh, yeah.

Christine: –um and then they forget, right? So anyway, “I listened to a bunch of different podcasts, and I think it was on Mysterious Universe or something where they said that alien implants give o– give off an electrical signal. I thought it would be fun to test it out.” [laughs]

Em: Jesus. Oh my god. I love it.

Christine: Imagine your mother-in-law. No wonder you don’t want me saying your name.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Oh my god. What are you gonna do to your poor mother-in-law? “Her dad works on motorcycles and had this electric–“ so their father-in-law, um, “–works on motorcycles and had this electrical signal tester thing for engine batteries. We went around testing cell phones, TVs, computers, and lights. Most registered at about 0.3-0.6 watts.”

Em: Okay.

Christine: “Put it on her leg – nothing. Move it closer to the bump – nothing. Put it right over the bump – fucking 30 watts.”

Em: [gasps] Cut it out. Literally cut– like cut it out.

Christine: No. Cut it, cut it with a, with a sharp, sharp, sharp–

Em: Like that’s the day it– it’s– it– “Whoopsies. I’ll– It’ll hurt, but I’m cutting it out of my fucking leg.”

Christine: Open–

Em: “Whoopsies.”

Christine: Open the big craft bucket we all have with an X-Acto knife that’s just floating–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –around loosey-goosey. Carefully pull it out and then fucking slice that bitch out.

Em: I would. I’d be– And also–

Christine: Do it. I would do it. I would do it.

Em: I, I would at least go to a doctor and like sign something and be like, “I need you to sign–“ No, actually I wouldn’t because what if– It has to be something I do on my own. First of all, it’s very–

Christine: Totally. You would have to do it alone.

Em: –it’s an intimate experience. And also like–

Christine: You have to get lidocaine.

Em: But what if a doctor– what if the doctor started cutting and then you find out that like– it’s like this metal’s like woven into your skeletal system and now the government’s involved. Like you don’t want that.

Christine: And then you gotta deal with the fucking government. Oy.

Em: Yeah, I’ve seen E.T. They’re not friendly–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: –about this stuff.

Christine: And I bet you these trackers, they know when they’re being like tampered with. I don’t know.

Em: Yeah, that’s a great question too. It’s like– I feel like the aliens are like, “Well, surely if we put it under, under their skin, then they’re not gonna–“

Christine: It’s like an anti-theft tag, you know?

Em: [sighs]

Christine: Like maybe it has an ink thing in it. It’s gonna explode ink everywhere, and then you got a mess on your hands.

Em: Well, that’s probably why I would ima– We’re obviously assuming–

Christine: Besides the blood, by the way, that you’re just cutting out your leg– Besides all the blood, you’ve also got a mess of ink on your hands.

Em: Well, you just throw a, throw a cloth down. We’ve all seen a true crime movie. But, uh–

Christine: Listen, we’ve all been there.

Em: But here’s my thought, though, is like, of course, if aliens did this, of course they made it a bundle of nerves around it, so you certainly would never cut it out.

Christine: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, that’s gross.

Em: I feel like that was their anti-theft situation there where they’re like, “Well, we’ll make it incredibly painful to even be–“

Christine: They’re like, “Put it deep in.”

Em: “–barely touch, so they’ll never cut it out.”

Christine: “Just like put it way in there.”

Em: That’s– You just got to be so out of control drunk. You just gotta be so–

Christine: Yuck.

Em: –I’ll– “I won’t remember it later.”

Christine: Oh, Em. Em’s– Don’t listen to this po– Don’t listen for any medical advice, people.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Or any ad– actually frankly, any advice. Um–

Em: Sorry, my dad does a lot of things just, just very drunk just to help himself medically. [laughs]

Christine: Yeah. He also– And I– He lives also in the woods, so if–

Em: He lives in the woods. One time he got pecked, uh, by a, a chicken or a rooster in the eyeball, and then he just–

Christine: Oh my–

Em: He was like, “The only way through it was just to be really drunk–“

Christine: Oh my god.

Em: “–until it healed up.” Um–

Christine: Oh my god.

Em: I know. So my, my only frame of reference is like “just do something to forget,” so. [chuckles] Um–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: Do that. Cut your leg. That’s obviously my medical advice here. And–

Christine: Don’t cut your mother– Don’t cut your le– Don’t cut anything–

Em: Hey–

Christine: –actually is the advice, ever.

Em: I, I–

Christine: Don’t do that.

Em: Here’s the beautiful thing about this episode. I can say whatever I want ’cause it’s April Fools'. You don’t know– It’s opposite day.

Christine: Oh, it’s all a joke. That’s right. We’re doctors. Ha-ha.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Just kidding. It’s April Fools'. Um, seriously, do not cut open your body. That is not what we’re advising. But I think if– I think you’re right, Em. I would probably spiral myself into a place where I would like have to see what it is. Like have to.

Em: I, I think so. I think so. And like at the very least, g–

Christine: And that’s just– that’s–

Em: –get an x-ray.

Christine: I don’t advise that behavior, but that’s what I would do, I think.

Em: I– In all reality, I do not condone anything I just said. However, if you were to do it, I absolutely condone you emailing us and telling us your findings.

Christine: [chuckles] Oh my god.

Em: You know what I mean?

Christine: Okay. Y– No. No.

Em: No?

Christine: I don’t.

Em: Alright.

Christine: Nope.

Em: I know.

Christine: Not at all. Okay. So they move it over the thing. 30, okay? So we’re going 0.3, 0.6 watts all the way to 30 at this one little point.

Em: Insane.

Christine: “This thing in her leg gives off a signal 100 times stronger than a cell phone.”

Em: Whoa.

Christine: “CB radios transmit at like–“ I mean, I’m just taking this person’s word for it. I’m not gonna google this, but–

Em: It’s 100% true.

Christine: –I’m just gonna believe it. “CB radios transmit at like 3-4 watts. So this thing is about the size of a pea, magnetic, and putting out an electrical signal. She won’t let any doctor remove it, despite a lot of doctors asking to biopsy it.” probably– I mean, you have a growth or like a abnormality.

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: Like they probably wanna make sure it’s not cancerous or something. Um, let’s see. “She will not let a doctor biopsy it. Apparently, with other cases of alien implants, the people affected die very soon after it gets removed.”

Em: [gasps]

Christine: [gasps]

Em: I didn’t even think about that.

Christine: Don’t cut it out. Don’t cut it out.

Em: Don’t cut it out. I totally–

Christine: Oh, Em. We’re such fools.

Em: Everything I said– Oh.

Christine: April Fools'. April fools!

Em: Yeah. [chuckles] I– It’s all backwards. It’s opposite day. Um–

Christine: [sighs] Oh, Jesus Christ.

Em: I didn’t even think about that. ’Cause I would think, “Oh, surely my–“ I’m sure this person has thought of every horrible situation with this.

Christine: Sure. Of course, I should have thought of that too, yeah.

Em: But my, but my first thought is like, “Oh, if this thing is that strong of a signal, like, am I slowly killing myself by having this in me and like walking around with this like huge-ass battery on my body all the time?”

Christine: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Em: But then if you get it removed, then people apparently don’t survive that either. So it’s like, well, fuck. You’re just damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Christine: Yeah, you’re kind of just screw– uh, or yeah, I guess you just don’t wanna think about it, so–

Em: Yeah. Oh, no wonder. Another reason the name should not be mentioned.

Christine: Oh, it’s all making sense now. Yeah, it’s all making sense now.

Em: [sighs]

Christine: Oops. “I’m writing this while I’m at work, so I’m writing super quick, but I think I covered most all of it. There is probably some other explanation, but my wife’s whole family has had weird UFO experiences. They live out in the country, and I’ve seen lights out there too that I can’t really explain.”

Em: Mm.

Christine: “There is a scar tissue bump on her leg that she got after that weird bath story, and there is no incision. It’s insanely magnetic and gives out a huge e–“ So it was after that bath that it happened.

Em: Eugh.

Christine: I didn’t realize that. “–and gives out a huge electrical signal. I don’t know what it is, but it’s freaky as shit. Maybe it’s like a GPS tracker like we put on animals to track their movement. Thanks for reading. I have some other stuff I’ll probably submit for later listener submissions, but this is one of my favorites. [censored beep].” I don’t think they need trackers. I feel like they know where– Like GPS? I don’t think they need GPS.

Em: Maybe it’s some sort of like– I mean, I guess it’s like maybe their version of a tracker, but it would make s– it would make sense why it’s so strong if they have to connect it between planets, you know, so like–

Christine: True. [chuckles]

Em: –to even see the signal.

Christine: Right? Like through outer space. Yeah.

Em: Oh, that’s so eerie.

Christine: Well, apparently, we could have scared ourselves shitless eight years ago, but we’ll do it now instead–

Em: [chuckles] Right.

Christine: –with this story.

Em: We’ll always find a time.

Christine: We’ll always find a way.

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Story 4 – Was I Almost Abducted by Aliens in West Virginia?

Em: This is from Virginia (she/her). Thank you for normalizing pronouns. Oh, uh, Virginia– This is a recent story, and yet I recognize Virginia’s email address.

Christine: [gasps]

Em: I think Virginia’s been around for quite some time with us.

Christine: Oh, really?

Em: Yeah.

Christine: You recognize her? Okay.

Em: That’s, that’s how long of a listener I think they are that I recognized the email was from when we–

Christine: Really?

Em: –when we were reading the emails.

Christine: Oh my gosh.

Em: Or maybe like I– maybe there’s– it’s also their like Instagram handle and I see it sometimes?

Christine: Ohh.

Em: Something like that.

Christine: But so you’ve probably just seen them around for a long time then.

Em: Yeah, we go way back, me and Virginia.

Christine: We go way back, Virginia. Yeah.

Em: VA! Okay. Well, so–

Christine: Well, you do, actually.

Em: The s–

Christine: You did live there.

Em: The subject is “Was I Almost Abducted by Aliens in West Virginia?”

Christine: Absolutely.

Em: Absolutely.

Christine: West Virginia, I feel like, is the most alien place.

Em: Agreed.

Christine: Like the most likely place to get abducted.

Em: You know what’s–

Christine: Driving through there– Like it’s so dark. It’s so like eerie.

Em: I have yet to go. I lived on the– I shared a border with West Virginia my whole life, never been to West Virginia.

Christine: Oh, it is a cool and creepy and spooky Appalachian dream/nightmare. [chuckles]

Em: I have plans around like Christmas with one of my friends to go do a West Virginia trip, and, um, I am a–

Christine: Oh, so is that on your state then?

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: Like your state– Ohh.

Em: Which I, I thought everything was just the flyovers, but then I was doing– I, I guess I’ve technically been in West Virginia for a day. I like– We stopped in there, but like I wanna have like a true memory in West Virginia.

Christine: Yeah, to like experience it. Yeah.

Em: Um, so technically, it’s not on the list of priority states, but–

Christine: Oh, it is so beautiful.

Em: But I have like a–

Christine: It is so beautiful.

Em: Like I’ve been in T– Nashville. Like I’ve driven through or like we had like a show in Nashville–

Christine: Yeah.

Em: –but like I wanna have like a day doing stuff in Tennessee, so technically Tennessee is still on the list.

Christine: To experience–

Em: It’s like a whole–

Christine: Ohh.

Em: I’ve really made things just so annoying for myself.

Christine: It’s like– It’s nuanced. Okay.

Em: But West Virginia, I have yet to be– yet to go there, and I know that it looks creepy. I know it does.

Christine: Oh, it is ’cause it’s so beautiful. And then the second the sun goes down, you’re like–

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: –“Oh my god.”

Em: “Where am I?”

Christine: “There’s monsters in these woods.” Yeah.

Em: I can’t wait. So–

Christine: Mm.

Em: –Virginia says, “Uh, I’m a longtime listener and an avid fan since 2018.” Okay. Well–

Christine: Hey! Oh my god, you knew it.

Em: Your efforts have been recognized, Virginia.

Christine: Aww.

Em: “Listening to your podcast grow and your careers take off has been so inspiring over the years, and I’ve truly appreciated the community you’ve grown. Thank you for being your authentic selves–“

Christine: Aw.

Em: “–and showing people that we can find our tribe (and that I likely need to get diagnosed for ADHD).” [laughs]

Christine: Yeah, probably.

Em: [laughs] Virginia says, uh, “The setting is road trip from Dallas, Texas to Alexandria, Virginia–“

Christine: Mm-hmm.

Em: “–in the last week of August 2025.”

Christine: Okay. Oh, wow. Recent.

Em: “My parents decided to move from the Dallas area to the East Coast to be closer to me, my kids, and my sisters, and decided to give me their old car to sell. Because of this, I had to fly back to Dallas to drive the car home to Alexandria.” Isn’t that the way that parents gift shit these days?

Christine: I love that, don’t you?

Em: It’s like, “Here’s a really like kind of okay present. And also, the only way you can get it is spend your money to fly all the way here and inconvenience yourself for a week.”

Christine: Yeah. Well, it’s like, “I’m coming.”

Em: [chuckles] Yeah.

Christine: “Isn’t that a gift enough now? Now you need to do some work for it.” [laughs]

Em: You could have just sold that car that none of us want and then used that money to fly ourselves out to visit me–

Christine: [laughs]

Em: –but whatever.

Christine: I don’t know. Maybe they’re offering free child care. Who knows?

Em: Maybe. I don’t know. “I’ve done different versions of the drive since college, but I decided to take a route I’ve never taken before to explore Kentucky and the eastern part of West Virginia–“

Christine: Hey.

Em: –which is technically east West Virginia, and I love that.

Christine: Oh, I love that.

Em: Chr–

Christine: And I love that, that her name’s Virginia. It’s just making it all so perfect.

Em: It’s kismet, I think.

Christine: It is. It is.

Em: “Christine, now I know why you live in Kentucky ’cause it’s a beautiful state and I had a great time.”

Christine: [gasps] Oh, thank you. Oh, I’m so happy you enjoyed it.

Em: “I re-listened to the episode on Mammoth Caves and took one of their tours and had some excellent bourbon at Dark Arts Whiskey House–“

Christine: Shut up.

Em: “–in Lexington–“

Christine: Oh my god.

Em: “–and drove through the breathtaking Red River Gorge area.”

Christine: Oh. It’s beautiful. It really is.

Em: “While I wanted to stay longer, I was on my last day drive and needed to pass through West Virginia quickly to get home that night for work the next day. The drive through West Virginia was beautiful and uneventful for the first part of the trip as I was taking, uh, the highway through the center of the state. And I was making good time, drinking a milkshake, and catching up on the podcast. And at one point on the interstate close to sunset, I needed to use the restroom and figured I would stop– I would top off my gas tank before dark. If my favorite gas stations aren’t around (which are Wawa and Sheetz), then I usually just take the exit and go to the nearest one as I’m not–“

Christine: [laughs] You basic bi– You high maintenance basic bitch, just like me.

Em: [chuckles] Just like me. The– If there’s a Wawa or a Buc-ee’s, I’m going.

Christine: Oh, I’m getting to Sheetz stat. Yeah.

Em: Stat. “This time, for some reason, instead of just going to one of the several gas stations off on the right, I decided to take a left under the overpass, uh, to– and take a right to get into the gas station.”

Christine: Mm-mmm.

Em: “As I was leaving the gas station, I was still setting up my audio and just following the map instructions on my phone without really paying attention. It instructed me to take a right out of the parking lot and go up this two-lane road. As I started to drive forward, two adorable spotted white-tailed deer cross the road in front of me.”

Christine: Mm.

Em: “And a little further ahead, a cute squirrel is hanging out on the road.”

Christine: I don’t like this.

Em: A lot of animals gathering to look at you.

Christine: It feels sinister. Yeah.

Em: And it feels like–

Christine: Cute animals.

Em: It feels like they’re tr–

Christine: Cute animals. It feels like–

Em: –they’re trying to warn you.

Christine: Yeah. It feels like– Well, it also feels like that weird like children like, “Hey, we’re sa– We’re cute and safe. Like, come this way.” And it’s like–

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: –“Uh-uh.”

Em: Or– Yeah, they’re all, they’re all watching to see your next move.

Christine: Yeah, I don’t love it.

Em: “I’m paying attention to these animals and not as much to where I’m going.”

Christine: Mm-hmm.

Em: “And a car comes up behind me, so I start to drive faster. I realize suddenly that I’m driving a steep hill, and I have this moment of panic because the highway was right next to the gas station and I, I should not have been driving up this steep hill away from the highway as my map is directing me.”

Christine: Mm-hmm.

Em: “My int–“

Christine: Not in West Virginia, you shouldn’t– I’m telling you, out there it is dark, and it is spooky out there.

Em: “My intuition was telling me that something was wrong and I should definitely not be heading up this way.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “It was more than a, ‘Oh man, I made a wrong turn reaction,’ uh, and more of a ‘Turn around now. This is dangerous–‘”

Christine: No.

Em: “‘–pit in your stomach.”

Christine: That’s like your nervous system like senses danger. I don’t– That’s scary.

Em: Intuitive feeling.

Christine: Mm-mmm.

Em: [sighs] “I had to drive a little farther up and find a small gravel shoulder, but I swung the car around and looked closer at my maps, and Google Maps was instructing me to take this big loop up, uh, up the mountain and back down the highway, miles back in the direction I’d already traveled, which would add like 45 minutes to my drive.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “I didn’t have time to waste as I was going– it was going to get dark soon, and I was still hours from home. I sped back down the road and towards the highway. All the while, the maps kept trying to get me to turn around.”

Christine: No. No.

Em: “When I got back down in front of the Pilot, the map was trying to reroute me to take–“

Christine: The Pilot is the gas station, I’m assuming.

Em: Yes, yes.

Christine: Okay. Okay.

Em: “–to take the west ramp and make a U-turn. This time, instead of listening to my maps, I took the east ramp to continue on my way.” So Virginia just said, “Fuck you, Google Maps.”

Christine: So ignored the map. Yeah.

Em: “I’m doing what I want.”

Christine: Good.

Em: “I refreshed my maps once back on the highway, and now it said that I would get home 20 minutes earlier than it would have taken on the detour it was trying to get me on.”

Christine: [gasps] Okay.

Em: “Now, I’m not great at math, but if you start at a point and take 47 minutes to make a big circle, then why are you only saving 20 minutes if you bypass that circle? Uh, wouldn’t you be saving a whole 47 minutes?” It’s like, why are– why is there an additional 27 minutes if–

Christine: Yeah. There’s–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Okay.

Em: “I dismissed it as odd and continued my trip, only seeing a smattering of cars and trucks as I drove the rest of the way home through the pitch black mountains. Now, the weirdest part of this is what I learned after returning home. I was telling my sister the story and how odd I found it, and she was the one who joked that I was about to be abducted by aliens. She asked me where this took place and suggested I look up the city and nearest campground to see if there were any UFO sightings near there. I couldn’t remember the city. However, since I remembered that I stopped at the Pilot off 79–“

Christine: Mm.

Em: “–there is only one that fits the description in that right area, and it is in Sutton, West Virginia, right next to Flatwoods, the home of the Flatwoods Monster.”

Christine: [gasps] No way.

Em: “I freaked out a little bit when I found out, and I’m sure this could be chocked up to a maps glitch or a series of coincidences, but it felt eerie and wrong at the time in a way that I really can’t describe. Having done tons of long road trips by myself and backpacking in the West Virginia woods, it takes a lot to unsettle me and make me feel unsafe. But this felt unsafe for no apparent reason.”

Christine: Ooh.

Em: “Always trust your gut.” Um, oh, and then, “Once again, thank you both for all you do. If you ever do hometown ghosts, I’ll have to share my Fredericksburg and Williamsburg ghost encounters, uh–“

Christine: No way.

Em: “–or my encounters at American University and UMD.”

Christine: Wait, what?

Em: Who is this person?

Christine: That’s weird. Who are you?

Em: Virginia. [laughs]

Christine: Virginia. What’s happening?

Em: Man, super creepy.

Christine: Wow. I don’t– Yeah, for someone, especially at the end saying like, “I camp in the woods and stuff–“ Like I don’t, so like I’m scared of everything kind of–

Em: Oh, yeah.

Christine: Like I don’t know. But like if you’re familiar with the woods and sleeping out there in the wilderness and you’re unsettled by something in nature, I feel like there’s something to be unsettled about.

Em: Trust your gut.

Christine: 100%.

Em: Mm.

Story 5 – My Mother Is An Alien

Christine: Uh, okay. So here is an email, um, from Megan (she/her/Ma– Oh my god. So Megan. Get ready. Megan (she/her/May Gemini). [laughs]

Em: [laughs] Megan. Girl, come on.

Christine: Megan, we see you. Okay, this email is called, “My Mother Is An Alien.” Hey, mine is too. Crazy stuff.

Em: Crazy.

Christine: “Hey y’all. I’m just going to jump into it. Growing up, my mother always told us stories of seeing UFOs. Montana in the 1970s was a hot spot, especially with the Air Force bases in the area. As a child, I was amazed that my mother had seen something so cool. She always told us that she believed that Earth was a terrarium, and for all we knew, God was an alien." Oh my god, imagine being raised by that. Like–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –your mind would be so open. You’d be like so open-minded. You’d be like, “Oh, God’s an alien,” you know.

Em: You know the first time she went to school–

Christine: Why not?

Em: –and said that to one of her classmates, they were like, “Y–“

Christine: Aw.

Em: “We don’t all think that.” [laughs]

Christine: “Principal, principal’s office.” Yeah.

Em: [sighs]

Christine: “You’re upsetting the children. You’re upsetting the other children.”

Em: Sounds cool to me though. I’d be like, “Now, that kid’s cool.”

Christine: I’d be like, “Hell yeah.” “Thoughts like this got her kicked out of Catholic Sunday school multiple times as a child.” [laughs]

Em: Well, that’ll do it.

Christine: “In October 2017, she was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer, and they gave her 6-12 months to live.”

Em: Mm. [sighs]

Christine: “The night she was diagnosed, a bright ‘star’ appeared in the sky over our hometown.” Oh my god.

Em: Okay.

Christine: “My aunt joked that it was the mothership coming to take Mom home. We joked about this several times in the three months before she–“ I’m like getting choked up. Uh, “–several times in the three months before she passed away. January 2018, Mom passed away at 66 years old.”

Em: Oh my god.

Christine: We– I know. “We opened the windows and played her favorite song (“Free Bird”) to let her spirit free. That night, I spent my night at my aunt’s house drinking Fireball and laying on the floor. At one point, my aunt went outside to have a cigarette and came in yelling– [chuckles] and came in yelling, ‘They came to– [chuckles] They came to get her and took her to the home planet.’ The bright ‘star’ in the sky had disappeared the same night mom left.”

Em: Oh.

Christine: “She was very in tune with this part of her soul, as is my sister. I, unfortunately, am not in tune with this, and it makes me feel like I don’t have that connection with my mom.”

Em: Mm.

Christine: Aw. “Anyway, I hope everyone is having a wonderful time, and Em, I am a fellow ichthyophobic.”

Em: Fish?

Christine: Uh, fi-fish.

Em: Fish.

Christine: Mm-hmm.

Em: [sighs] It’s a tough life we have. [laughs]

Christine: Yeah. Seriously, props to both of you. Uh, “We seem to be few and far between, but fish in every form are disgusting.”

Em: Agreed. I–

Christine: And that’s the end of the, end of the email.

Em: Man. Well, I like the first half. I’m sorry about your mom though.

Christine: Wow, she– I am sorry as well. And like she got– She saw these UFOs as a kid, was like, “God’s an alien–“

Em: Mm.

Christine: –you know, and then was passing away too young, and they’re like, “Come on, come back with us.” Oh my god, that’s just wild.

Em: [sighs] Yeah. No, I–

Christine: Wow.

Em: –I hope that, uh, you feel connected to your mom though.

Christine: I do too.

Story 6 – Alien Encounter

Em: We have one last, uh, story for everybody. This is from Tayler (she/her). Thank you for normalizing pronouns, Tayler. And the, uh, subject line of this one is just “Alien Encounter.” Nice and vague, so, um–

Christine: Mm.

Em: –I have no idea what ride we’re about to go on. So Tayler, take it away.

Christine: A bumpy one, I’m assuming.

Em: Uh, [chuckles] it says, uh, “My name is Tayler, and the following is an account of an alien encounter I experienced. To set the scene, this happened years ago. My best guess is around 2018, but time isn’t real, and I have no concept of it.“

Christine: Amen.

Em: “I can recall the memory of it like it happened yesterday. My friends invited me to a house party hosted by someone I knew of but didn’t personally know, and the weirdness started when the host of this party (who’s a man a few, few years older than me) greeted us using– uh, greeted me using my first and last name and knew–“

Christine: Eugh.

Em: “–and knew where I worked.”

Christine: What?

Em: So this– the man who’s the host of this party goes up and goes, “Hey, Tayler Last Name, I, I know you work at this place.”

Christine: What the f– Don’t do that. That’s weird.

Em: “It was incredibly off-putting, and I still to this day don’t even know his last name, so I have no idea how he knew mine.”

Christine: Yuck.

Em: I would– I’m– I– Not to defend a man, I’m wondering if he was trying to like creep on Instagram or something, and that’s how he figured it out, and he should have, he should have led with that or something and been like, “Oh, I wanted to see, you know, who, who everyone was that was getting invited.”

Christine: Yeah.

Em: He should have framed it differently. [laughs]

Christine: Well, then he should have– shoulda, coulda, woulda, man.

Em: Should have framed it differently. Uh, or maybe he’s a fucking creep.

Christine: Or he’s just a creep. I don’t know.

Em: Or he’s a creep. “Anywho, we all start drinking and perhaps engaging in the devil’s lettuce and–“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “–as the kids, as the kids do. I remember having a buzz, but nothing too crazy. At some point, my best friend at the time and I wanted to get some air, so we sat on the front porch. I was prob– It was probably around 9 p.m. at this point, and we just sat out there for a while chatting. It’s hard to describe what happened after that, but in the street that was next to the house, we both suddenly saw what looked like 1,000 tiny lights connected through a s– via string that was moving in a way–“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “–that I had never seen anything move before. It was expanding and contracting, going up to the tree line and back down to the street level in split seconds.” Agh!

Christine: What?

Em: “Expanding–“

Christine: Well, I was gonna say maybe it’s Starlink, and then I was like, “Wait, no. That does not– No.”

Em: Yeah, it’s like in the cul-de-sac. Ugh.

Christine: Yeah, forget it.

Em: “I remember grabbing my friend and–“

Christine: [chuckles] It’s in the cul-de-sac.

Em: It feels like a Goosebumps book, like “Tiny Lights in the Cul-de-sac”.

Christine: Yes, it sure does.

Em: “I remember grabbing my friend and saying, ‘Are you fucking seeing that?’ And he confirmed he was seeing it, just as mesmerized by, by it as I was. We were so scared but also completely frozen and couldn’t look away. But that’s not the worst part.”

Christine: Oh my god.

Em: “The clump of lights got small enough to duck behind a car that was parked on the street.” Ew.

Christine: Mm-mmm.

Em: So it like condensed that intensely.

Christine: Mm-mmm.

Em: “We watched as it went behind a car from the front end. And I shit you not, I couldn’t make this up if I tried, a child that was probably three or four walked out from behind the car at the back end.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “The child walked at a fast pace in a completely straight line–“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “–wasn’t wearing shoes, was completely alone–“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “–and I believe he had his hands in his pockets. Once I saw that, we hauled ass back into the house, and I haven’t spoken about it since.” I like how this could have been a missing child, and you just went, “See ya.” Um–

Christine: No, no, no way.

Em: [chuckles] “The entire experience lasted 1-2 minutes, and it’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.” I mean, really, like to have that many lights scattered–

Christine: That is fucking–

Em: –and then condense into life–

Christine: –creepy.

Em: –as like a, like a makeshift human. Um, yuck.

Christine: I’m so freaked out by that. Like how many chil– of these toddlers are alien spaceships? [chuckles]

Em: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Christine: What the fuck?

Em: “Seeing the, the lights was one thing, but a child appearing out of thin air was the single scariest moment of my life and I–“

Christine: Jesus. Fuck me.

Em: “–have spent a lot of time over the years since this happened contemplating it. Who knows what the lights could have been, but then it presented in a human form, and that’s the worst part to me. I messaged the friend–“

Christine: [sighs]

Em: “I messaged the friend that experienced this with me before sending this story because I wanted to confirm he remembered the same thing, and his exact words were, ‘Yes, damn aliens.’ I can see the argument that we were both not sober and that could have altered our memories, but, uh, we both saw the same thing, and I haven’t heard of any strain of weed that provides dual-person hallucinations.”

Christine: Yeah, I wish. That would be really awesome.

Em: Oy. [sighs]

Christine: No, um, that’s just fucking insane. And like the idea of the child just like a– Like imagine you’re– You see the ball of light, and you’re like, “Whoa, it’s gonna come out the other side,” and then there’s just like this child– barefoot child?

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: What the f– I mean, I’m– That freaks me the hell out.

Em: I, um, I got nothing. That’s just–

Christine: It sounded like it was playing. It sounded like it was playing–

Em: That's a good point.

Christine: –and then it like realized, “Oh, shit. Someone saw me.”

Em: Yeah, unless–

Christine: And it was like, “There’s nothing to see here.”

Em: I feel like it thought, “Oh, everyone’s inside. No one’s gonna notice us.”

Christine: Yeah.

Em: And then they accidentally like walked in on this experience and–

Christine: Got witnessed.

Em: And I wonder like was the child– obviously like an alien, uh, but like was it– did it start as a child and then was like playing around and chan– like became lights–

Christine: Right.

Em: –and then went back to its human form? Or was it always lights and then shifted into a child when it realized it was being watched?

Christine: And then it was trying to– Right.

Em: And then went, “Oh, I have to look like a human–”

Christine: Exactly.

Em: “–’cause I overhear these other humans saying that they, they see this.” Ugh.

Christine: Well, then why didn’t you transform into a bird, right?

Em: Yeah.

Christine: ’Cause then you could just like hop. You know what I mean? And like nobody would be like– You’d just think, “Where’d the light go?”

Em: Or like a grown person–

Christine: Not like–

Em: Like to see like– It reminds me of like in Roger Rabbit, like that little cartoon baby who smokes a cigar.

Christine: [laughs]

Em: I’m like, “Why is there a three-year-old walking around with its hands in its pockets in a straight line not speaking to anyone?”

Christine: It feels very black-eyed child, right? Like–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Maybe that’s– Oh, maybe that’s the connection. Maybe there is like that alien connection–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: –and they can manifest but like not as well as they’d like. I don’t know.

Em: Yeah, it seems like it was trying to emulate a human–

Christine: M–

Em: –not knowing that three-year-olds are in–

Christine: And I wonder if children–

Em: –operate a little differently.

Christine: Yeah, I wonder if children are easier to like emulate ’cause they’re smaller, obviously, but also like not as like formed as an adult. Like maybe–

Em: Mm.

Christine: –child is just an easier like incarnation. I don’t know.

Em: Yeah, that’s weird.

Christine: Yuck.

Em: Well, Tayler, thank you for that, and I hope it never happens to you again.

Christine: [groans] Thanks for ruining my day. [laughs]

Em: Oh man. Well, happy, uh, April 1 to everybody, and we are in the fourth month finally. We’re, we’re in Q2. Q2.

Christine: Oh my god, are we really? You’re right. April Fools' Day marks Q2.

Em: And, uh, hopefully, everyone is having a good Q2, so, so far. It’s been a day–

Christine: It’s been a day–

Em: –you know.

Christine: –but you have time. It’ll get better.

Em: Oh, well, I hope you’re healing from Q1. [sighs] And, uh–

Christine: [sighs]

Em: –what are you doing for the rest of the day, Christine?

Christine: I’m going to see Tyler Henry Hollywood Medium live.

Em: That’s literally the coolest thing you could have ever said.

Christine: I’m so excited. Blaise got me tickets for Valentine’s Day, and I was like, “I’m in love with you. Wow.”

Em: I can’t wait to ask about it next time we record.

Christine: I’m gonna– I keep forgetting to mention it on the show, but– or maybe I did. I don’t remember. But yeah, I’m going to, um–

Em: You did.

Christine: –bring a full report. I did, okay. Oh, right. Because we were doing the– ’Cause Jane fell down the stairs.

Em: What?

Christine: So– [laughs]

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Remember we were using the, uh, the spirit box, uh, the GhostTube, and we were doing Yappy Hour–

Em: Mm!

Christine: –and I had my weed pen, and it was like “cigar.” And then, um, it was like, “Stairs. Fall.”

Em: I–

Christine: “Jane.”

Em: I understand now.

Christine: And we were like–

Em: That was a crazy way to–

Christine: And you said like, “Maybe she’ll come through–“

Em: –just think I obviously knew what was going on though.

Christine: Sorry. [laughs] Yeah.

Em: [chuckles]

Christine: Um, okay, fair point. Yeah, but so we were like maybe Jane will come through at the Tyler Henry– We’ll see. We’ll see.

Em: Love that. Okay. Well, yeah, definitely give us a full report. Uh, that’ll be pr– I assume next time I see you, it’ll be the first thing that either you say or I ask about, so.

Christine: I’ll just blab about it right away.

Em: Good. Okay. Well, see you then. And happy April, everybody. And we’ll see you, uh, with more listeners episodes– or more listener stories, uh, May 1, so.

Christine: That's right. See you soon.

Em: And–

Christine: That’s–

Em: Why–

Christine: We–

Em: Drink.

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