Listener Stories: Vol. 98

Stories:

1: SWAT Team Live Tweets (And Bonus Ghost) - Miranda (she/her)
2: Creepy Ass Camping Story - NJ (She/Her)
3: My Dad's Criminal Background, The Gift that Keeps On Giving - Ash (She/her)
4: "tap,tap,tap" or "how Em saved me from a ghost" - Mckayla
5: My former youth pastor kidnapped a child - Kylie (She/Her)
6: There's a Man in the Ceiling - Rachel (she/they)
7. My alien icebreaker - [name redacted] (she/her)

Christmas tiiiiimeeee is hereeee. Happy December everyone! This month Eva has collected an awesome and wild batch of stories for us from SWAT team and police standoffs, to men in the ceiling and grandpas in the floorboards, plus some aeronautical engineer insights into UFOs? It’s a doozy! So may the aliens be friendly when they approach us and cheers to kicking off the last month of the year… and that’s why we drink!

Transcript

[intro music]

Christine: [singing] ♪ Christmas time is here / Hah-sa-fwah sa-fwah / Hah-sa-fwah sa-fwah sa-fwah / sa-fwah sa-fwah sa-fwah ♪♪ [speaking] Thank you for attending our annual Christmas mass.

Em: Oh. [laughs]

Christine: [laughs] You know–

Em: What is our, what is our body and blood of Christ?

Christine: Uh, well actually, Em, I’m following the Catholic tradition by drinking the blood right here. [holds up glass of red wine]

Em: Oh!

Christine: Just do a little transubstantiation and– [smells the wine] Ooh, type O.

Em: Delicious.

Christine: Mm, mm.

Em: Uh, if you had to be– Like if you had to– Like what is your body of Christ and your blood of Christ? Like, like my, like my blood of Christ–

Christine: Christ-ine. Christ-ine.

Em: Of Christ-ine. Like if I had to pick for myself, my blood of Christ is Dr. Pepper.

Christine: Oh, good. That would be a contender.

Em: My body of Christ–

Christine: Jesus already took wine.

Em: My body of Christ, I think, would be a really good baked mac and cheese or a chocolate-covered strawberry.

Christine: That’s–

Em: S– Today, mac and cheese. Baked mac and cheese. What would your body and blood be?

Christine: It’s starting to sound a lot like also your death row meal, you know.

Em: They’re about the same.

Christine: I feel like they’re– Maybe there’s a crossover there. Um, yeah, I would say, uh, food-wise, it would probably be like mustard or something very–

Em: That’s a dr– That’s the drink.

Christine: That’s the blood? Is mustard? [laughs]

Em: Just a shot of mustard. That’s the most German thing I’ve ever heard you say. I– “My number one food is mustard.”

Christine: I, I– [laughs] I used to–

Em: That’s not even solid.

Christine: I used to say that was my favorite food. I liked to eat it. Okay, fine. Um–

Em: A mustard-coated what? Like if you’re putting mustard on, on anything in the world what’s it gonna be?

Christine: I don’t know. I don’t, uh–

Em: Like a hot dog?

Christine: No, I don’t eat hot dogs. I just like mustard. [laughs]

Em: Cereal? I don’t know what with you anymore. [laughs]

Christine: I don’t either quite frankly. This could be a dangerous game of roulette we’re playing, just giving me ideas. Um, no, the– But, uh, I don’t know the answer ’cause my brain, um, is still figuring out, um, some stuff about, you know, my– [laughing] my– So– [laughs] Sorry, I literally have had one sip of a boxed wine, and I’m already like, “Thank god, I had– was able to do that–“

Em: [laughs] The dopamine’s– is firing on all cylinders.

Christine: Ooh. I’m finally like, “Okay. It’s– We’re settling in now for an actual episode. I’m ready.” Um, you know, I don’t know ’cause Jesus was pretty fucking selfish when he took the wine away f– as his option, knowing how much I would like it some day, being omniscient and all.

Em: Mm-hmm. I can give you Dr. Pepper. I can pick London Fog.

Christine: Oh, that’s nice. Oh, that was– That’s thoughtful, but I don’t wanna do that to you ’cause I know you love your D. Peppy. Um, what about– What if I take cherry D. Peppy?

Em: Okay, that’s fine. It’s like, it’s like we have similar blood types.

Christine: Oh my god, it’s like I’m AB positive, and you’re AB– Wait.

Em: I’m B. I’m a B minus.

Christine: I’m an AB positive, which I think is only 4% of the population.

Em: I actually think I’m B positive.

Christine: And I thought that was really special, and then I found out that it makes it really hard to receive blood transfusions, so I was like, “Oh, never mind. THat’s not really a good thing.”

Em: Whoopsies.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: No, I’m pretty sure– You know what’s so wild? I had a feeling my whole life that I was B positive, just a weird feeling. Like I never knew what my blood type was. I– Anytime I asked–

Christine: That is some weird sort of sorcery.

Em: And then I finally found out, and I’m a b– I’m B positive. I was like, “Hmm.”

Christine: Maybe you remembered it from– Maybe it was your earliest memory–

Em: You know what’s weird though?

Christine: –when the nurse pricked your foot.

Em: But then I always heard that like people based on– like have different dietary things based on blood type. Is that true or no?

Christine: Yeah, but that– [whispers] That’s bullshit.

Em: Okay. Because someone was like–

Christine: At least, at least it’s, it’s, it’s like a, it’s like a– Somewhat of a fringe sci– What’s the word that’s like– where it’s like– Pseudo. It’s a little pseudosciencey.

Em: Gotcha.

Christine: I think, I think there might be some truth to it, and I, I’m not trying to belittle any– or disparage anyone who, uh, goes by those, but I’ve, I’ve done quite a bit of research myself trying to figure out different allergies and things, and I think, for the most part, it’s hard to really make that call.

Em: Gotcha.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: ’Cause someone was like, “Oh, your favorite foods are steak and milk– like meat and cheese–“

Christine: [laughs]

Em: “Like meat and dairy? I–“

Christine: [in Southern accent] “Why, you’re a red-blooded USDA American.”

Em: [laughs] Well, so someone was like, “You’re obviously an O,” and I went, “Oh, okay. I didn’t kn–“ So my whole life, I, uh, felt like I was a B positive, but I was like, “Someone said something about O ’cause I really like steak.” I know.

Christine: Well, that’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said like, “Don’t ever let anyone– You can’t let anyone let you think you’re a different blood type without your permission.”

Em: Did she really say that?

Christine: Yeah.

Em: Oh. [laughs] That’s a nice sentence. Okay.

Christine: [laughs] I mean, obviously I paraphrased, but.

Em: [laughs] Okay. Yeah, she also said, “Don’t let your, your– Don’t let anyone dim your sparkle.” I heard her say something like that one time.

Christine: That was her? Oh! Okay, that makes a lot of sense. She did have quite a positive attitude and B positive attitude if you, if you don’t say– if you know what I mean.

Em: [laughs] And it makes positive be– It’s– It makes sense because–

Christine: It makes positive?

Em: –I sparkle most when there is steak in front of me. So those–

Christine: You do get pretty sweaty meat sweats. That’s true.

Em: Mm-hmm. Um–

Christine: Yeah. Uh, hello.

[laughs]

Christine: Welcome to our episode. It is now beginning. It’s called And That’s Why We Drink. We read, uh– Well, first of all–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: –this is not our normal. This is like a fun thing we do on the side. Hey, let m– Let’s start over. [makes rewind sound] Pretend like we just met at the bowling– Hold on.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I– [laughs] Sorry, sip two is kicking in now. And I feel– I’m feeling, I’m feeling wild. Okay.

Em: [laughs]

[glass clinks - start of ad break]

[Rotating ads vary, for a full list of current podcast sponsors visit andthatswhywedrink.com/sponsors]

[straw sucking bottom of glass - end of ad break]

Christine: Welcome to And That’s Why We Drink: Listener Episodes. And so every month, on the first of the month, we– We do sing a seasonal song if it’s appropriate, which is why I started with, um, the most appropriate song for this season, and we read stories sent in by you that Eva has hand-curated for us.

Em: Yes.

Christine: A little amuse-bouche, a little charcuterie. Uh, she’s crafted a beautiful, uh, orchestra of stories for us to read. And, um, this time, she picked seven of them and said they are th– the vague, the vague through– the vague through line was crime. [laughs] So Merry Christmas!

[laughs]

Em: Lot of blood! A positive, B positive, and O. Um–

Christine: And what was Jesus’s blood all about? Who even knows anymore.

Em: You know, they always talk about the blood of Jesus. What blood type was he? What do you think?

Christine: I already told you. I literally announced it earlier. So now you tell me.

Em: O? AB?

Christine: It was an O.

Em: I think I forgot. I think I was still thinking about steak.

Christine: Well, he liked wine so much, and he liked steak so much. I just figured it had to be an O.

Em: I th– That makes– Yeah, well that’s what Eleanor said too, so.

Christine: Yeah, yeah.

Em: Um, okay. Would you like–

Christine: Who the hell is Eleanor?

Em: Roosevelt?

Christine: Oh. [laughs] I thought that was the person who told you you’re an O.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I was like, “What a bitch! Who’s this Eleanor? I’m gonna tell her to mind her own goddamn beeswax about what diet you should eat.” Okay, wow. I got really defensive for you. I’m sorry.

Em: What, um–

Christine: Just know I’d fight for you, even Eleanor Roosevelt. I would, I would–

Em: Thank you.

Christine: –clock her a good one.

Em: I don’t think you’d recognize her on the street, so it’d be easy to fight her ’cause you wouldn't feel the–

Christine: Pow! Right in the kisser. Yeah, I’d–

Em: –the power intimidation.

Christine: Well, I’d punch somebody else probably by accident, and it wouldn’t end well. So I would ask that you not request that of me, but I would do it if you needed me to.

Em: Thank you. Um–

Christine: You’re welcome.

Em: Yeah, we have seven stories this time. Do you want to go first or, uh–?

Christine: Yeah, sure.

Em: Okay.

Christine: I should probably talk about something else–

Em: Okay.

Christine: –for, for once. Okay.

Em: Great.

Story 1 - SWAT Team Live Tweets

Christine: This is– Oh dear. Okay. Just opened the link again ’cause somehow I lost it. This one’s called “SWAT Team Live Tweets.” Oh my gosh.

Em: Oh my.

Christine: This is like Em’s– I feel like this feels like Em’s, um, dream come true like to be live TikToking some event or like be like on the ground as some event is unfolding and you’re, you’re on social media.

Em: Oh, seeing someone get swatted.

Christine: Yeah, something like that, I’m assuming. But we’ll see.

Em: Oh, I hate this. I hate this. I mean, yes, I would for the drama. I obviously want to be involved distantly, but, um, yeah.

Christine: Yeah, o– Well, yeah, that’s what I mean. Just live tweeting-wise. Not like, not like there there.

Em: Yeah, but nothing scares me quite like, uh, the idea of getting swatted.

Christine: That infiltration.

Em: C– I mean, it could, it could happen.

Christine: That home, that home infiltration thing. Alright.

Em: Yeah, and everyone watching too, so it’s em– a little embarrassing even though you haven’t done anything wrong.

Christine: Oh. Oh, yeah. They’re on TikTok live. Oy.

Em: Ugh. Anyway, carry on. Please, I can’t wait to hear.

Christine: “Hello to the Menagerie!” By the way, this is from Miranda, she/her. Thank you, Miranda.

Em: Hi, Miranda.

Christine: “My name is Miranda (she/her), and I’m writing this story from my parents’ basement while I–“ Okay. Alright. Buckle up, Emothy.

Em: While you get swatted? What?

Christine: “–while I wait for the SWAT team that just showed up to finish whatever the fuck they’re doing next door.”

Em: First of all, Miranda, I love that the second the SWAT team was there, you went, “Hold on. I have to– I have to write to And That’s Why We Drink about this right now.”

Christine: “I have to call my friends real quick. Oh, wait–

Em: You didn’t even–

Christine: “–I don’t have their phone number. Let me just email them.” [laughs]

Em: I like how you had enough time to maybe do a deep sigh and an eye roll, and you went, “I know exactly what needs to happen now.”

Christine: “Oh my god. I knew this day would come when I have to tell them immediately what’s happening.”

Em: [laughs] Okay, so– Wow.

Christine: And also, also really embarrassing for me – the moment I started reading, I was like, “Why are you in your parents’ basement?” And now I’m like, “Oh, there’s a fucking SWAT team.” [laughs]

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Like not that I’m judging as someone who lived in my parents’ attic for many years, but it’s just like– I was like, “What? Okay. You don’t have to–“

Em: [laughs] Oh my gosh.

Christine: Anyway, now I get it. I get why.

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: “I was here for what was supposed to be a quick visit–“ Oh, so you weren’t even like living there. You just came over to pop by for a biscuit.

Em: You just popped over.

Christine: Okay. So, “Then they just kind of rolled up?” Okay.

Em: Do the– Do, do the S– Does the SWAT team just roll up?

Christine: [singing “Ridin” by Chamillionaire] ♪ They see me rollin’ ♪♪

Em: I feel like the SWAT team just sprints everywhere. There’s no rolling out.

Christine: I feel like they’re actually contained almost like, um, like a pressure canister.

Em: Oh?

Christine: And then when it’s like open, like the, like the seal is broken, they all just like rush out.

Em: Actually, I kinda know what you mean. I feel like the same–

Christine: You know what I mean? Like spider eggs.

Em: Like, like a Trojan horse or something.

Christine: Yes, or a spider egg–

Em: Like spider eggs. Yes, like spider eggs.

Christine: –where it’s just like [makes cartoonish sound effect of spiders scurrying] “blululul,” and then they’re everywhere, and they’re swarming.

Em: I, I do know what you mean. Yeah.

Christine: But also your thing too.

Em: No, I think you’re more right that they just kind of scurry the second that they have the freedom to.

Christine: There’s like one opening, and then they all kind of dis– They scatter. I don’t like it.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: “An officer popped by to tell us to go downstairs and not come outside, which was polite of him, and because I’m a theatre kid with no sense of self-preservation, [laughs] I’m posted up in eyesight of the closest window, emailing you about it.” I mean, this is–

Em: Well done, Miranda.

Christine: –this is a soldier on the ground for us. Thank you.

Em: [laughs] Also I’m honored that we were your first thought. Like–

Christine: I mean, literally so honored.

Em: Not even your own friends. You’re just like, “I know exactly who needs to hear about this now.”

Christine: I mean, we’re your frie– I mean, we are your friends, but yes, I do get what you’re saying. Yes, like, um, this is actually– We’re skipping straight to the top.

Em: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly right.

Christine: It’s noodles all the way to the top.

Em: All the way.

Christine: “So far, it’s just one SWAT truck and a few pol–“ Oh, so this is the live tweet! I’m sorry. It took me a while to understand.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: As this email continues, we’re getting live updates.

Em: This is beautiful.

Christine: Like as time travelers basically, we would be getting live updates. Okay.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: “I’m posted up in eyesight of the closest window, emailing you about it. So far, it’s just one SWAT truck and a few patrol cars. I heard a loud bang a couple of minutes ago, which I’m assuming was them entering the house?”

Em: Oh my god.

Christine: “I have no live tweet style updates besides that. So in the meantime, how ‘bout a ghost story?” Oh okay, that ended quickly. [laughs] I was like, “Buckle up for the live tweets.”

Em: We, we gave that a lot of energy for it to just come halting.

Christine: Wow. I really built that up. You gotta know that I was gonna do that, Miranda. Did you do that on purpose? Okay.

Em: [laughs] You really wanted to, um, get our attention, and attention you got.

Christine: Yeah, you really wanted it– You know what you wanna get? My goat is what you wanted to get.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I don’t even know what that means. “My parents’– but not by anyone malevolent. [laughs] In fact, I think it’s just the spirit of a kindly old man. When I was little (like five maybe? Quite smol), I thought my grandfather lived with us because he was always around. [laughs] He–“ I, I love those stories when you hear kids be like, “I just thought he lived in our house.” And I’m like–

Em: Which– That’s precious on its own. Like I can’t imagine thicker proof of something paranormal than like literally seeing a person around all the time.

Christine: And just assuming they’re a roommate.

Em: It was as if they were another resident. Yeah.

Christine: Yeah, and being like, “Everyone can see this. I’m sure of it.” Yeah.

Em: Yeah, I mean it’s– Imagine how crazy you looked and, and sounded to other people though later when you finally asked about it, and you’re like–

Christine: Like, “Oh, the guy that lived with us for a decade.” Right.

Em: And they’re like, “And what do you– What do you fucking mean? He’s never been here.”

Christine: “Yeah, first of all, stop talking.”

Em: Like, “My eyes deceive me.”

Christine: Yeah, and also I like the idea like, “Where did he live?” And then as you say it out loud, you kinda realize. You’re like, “He lived in the floorboards… Hang on a second. This is starting to not make sense.”

Em: [laughs] “Hang on. Something isn’t adding up.”

Christine: “Yeah, something’s not quite adding up. I, I really– Nobody ever spoke to him, and he was missing his lower jawbone. Anyway, I guess that wasn’t Grandpa.”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Okay, um. Anyway, uh, “I thought my grandfather” was just–

[laughs]

Em: [snorts] [laughs] When– [laughs] The way that your brain just comes up with words is amazing.

Christine: I think–

Em: Just jaw-jawbone being so quick to, to the, to the frontal lobe is delicious.

Christine: Thank you so much. I’ve worked really long and hard at, um, conjuring the most upsetting intrusive imagery, and being able to verbalize it is kind of a skill I’m working on, so.

Em: [laughs] Truly– I mean, I don’t know, I don’t know anything more frightening than the things that are just at the precipice of your tongue.

Christine: Isn’t it incredible? They’re like ready– They’re like there right when you need them. You just let me know, Em.

Em: [laughs] Like, like a spider egg, they just–

Christine: [laughs] Wait, yeah. I forgot I already said that also.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Okay, I’m sorry. This is getting darker than intended. Alright. Um, right. So this guy – he’s “old enough to have fully white hair, but not so old that he appeared frail. He had gold wire-rimmed glasses and always wore a red and black flannel, blue jeans, and boots. He would often be out in my backyard when I came out to play– or sitting on the end of my bed! I remem–“

Em: Without his jawbone?

Christine: Oh no! Just fl–

Em: Like a spider egg? [laughs]

Christine: Just flapping, flapping his jawbone. Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Em: [laughing] Oh my god. Oh my god.

Christine: I’m sorry. I regret that.

Em: Oh my god.

Christine: “I remember that we talked and that he was very nice, but I can’t remember what he sounded like or what we talked about. I was very small, so it never occurred to me that I never saw him open or close a door–“ Okay, so that’s the thing is like you’re a kid, so you don’t question it.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: And your br– your brain doesn’t step in and say, “That’s not physics.”

Em: [looks off camera suddenly, startled] Oh my god.

Christine: What?

Em: In that, in that moment, my DoorDash got here. Oh my god. [laughs]

Christine: In that moment, a huge gust of wind blew a tree branch into my window, and I like glanced at you and then saw movement. And I thought, “This is the end. This is the end.”

Em: No, truly like my– I don’t want to like triangulate myself if– But my window to the outside is like right here.

Christine: There’s a view. Right, there’s a view.

Em: And then all of a sudden, a whole ass person–

Christine: Oh, hell no.

Em: It’s not even a little window. It was the whole person was now standing next to me.

Christine: Oh no, no. That feels very black-eyed kids and Slenderman all at once.

Em: Um– [laughs] Oh my god. Okay.

Christine: So she’s never seen this guy close a door, but it never really occurred to her ’cause she’s like five. Uh, also–

Em: Yeah, that makes sense.

Christine: Yeah. Also never pushed her on the swing, uh, never talked to anyone else, never changed his clothes, and then said, “though to be fair, my dad had a rotation of six flannels that looked all the same because he’s a dad.” So yeah, it got past you. I get that.

Em: Mm-hmm. I get that.

Christine: “It wasn’t until I told my mom about something Grandpa said–“ [laughs]

Em: Oh my god.

Christine: “–that she reminded me that both of my grandfathers died decades before I was born.” That would be scary in a true crime sense. Like, “Grandpa said this,” and it’s like, “Who’s talking to you and saying they’re your grandpa?” I don’t know. I would just be so worried.

Em: Yeah, I won– I also wonder if as a kid she ever asked any questions, and he just kinda– This guy just kinda silenced her like, “Don’t worry about that.”

Christine: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Em: And then just– She never even thought about it again. Like, “Oh, yeah. He doesn’t open doors and–“

Christine: Like, “Let’s get back to Vietnam, my thing I was talking about. I’m– I don’t– This is not story– question and answer time right now.”

Em: Right. It’s nice that he was nice. Maybe that’s why she got away with it for so long though of like not ever mentioning it.

Christine: Yeah. He was just like– Yeah, maybe if he wasn’t causing any trouble actively, it was like, “Well, he’s just around.”

Em: Well, if– Yeah, if he was like scary, then it would maybe freak her out and she would say something to her mom.

Christine: Right, right, right.

Em: But if it was just like, “Oh, nice Grandpa who lives with us? Why would I even mention him?”

Christine: And every now and then, he just like sits in the backyard while I swing. Like yeah– It’s like– It doesn’t seem like a threat.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Um, which also sounds like how your grandpa like made sure not to scare you when he appeared, like it didn’t scare you.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: It sounds like he was– I mean, I don’t know. Maybe this was like something darker, but it seems like he just wanted a buddy.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: And like you were the only one who could see him, and so you just kind of hung out together.

Christine: That’s what it sounds like to me too, which is actually really sweet. “It wasn’t until I told my mom about something Grandpa said that she reminded me [laughs] that both of my grandfathers were dead. They’d died decades before I was born. I remember her showing me pictures of both of them and being confused because neither of–“ Oh. So when she found out both her grandpas were dead, she was confused because neither of them were the grandpa that lived with her. And she’s like, “That’s weird. They don’t look like the grandpa that lives with me.”

Em: She’s like, “Surely, there’s a third grandfather you’re not telling me about.

Christine: Surely, there must be. I mean, if you’re in Em’s and my situation, you probably have 17 grandfathers running around out there.

Em: I, I do have like seven, yeah. [laughs]

Christine: Me too, yeah. They’re everywhere. I– in ghost form too, in ghost and real. “I don’t remember what she said in response, but she never asked any follow-up questions or brought it up herself ever again (classic parent move). I stopped seeing him after a while, but I still remember him very clearly, and my parents’ house is still haunted. It’s nothing terribly spooky, just the occasional set of footsteps up the stairs when no one is home, a couple of murmurs that sounds like someone’s talking in the other room, but mostly just a feeling that someone’s home. You know when you walk in somewhere and you can kind of tell that other people are home and that you should call out a ‘hello?’”

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: “It’s that feeling.” Wow, that is a really cool way to look at it.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: “I like to think it’s still my not-grandpa, who has watched my brother and me grow up and start our own lives.”

Em: Aw.

Christine: “Okay, ghost story over. The neighbor is outside and in handcuffs.” [laughs] This is the most Em and Christine text conversation. It–

Em: This is–

Christine: This feels like us te– FaceTiming. [laughs]

Em: A, a story within a story. I feel like we just got pulled out of like the, like at–

Christine: Oh, yeah, the flashback or the dream?

Em: Yes, yes.

Christine: Yeah, yeah. And it’s like [makes flashback sound effect].

Em: And it’s like, “Okay, back to me now.”

Christine: Yes, ex–

Em: It’s like when, when Kuzco is rai– is crying in the rain.

Christine: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Em: It’s like, “Okay, now back to this. Uh, there is a SWAT team, and I am in my parents’ basement and–“

Christine: Yeah. “And I am crying, and I am a llama–“ Well, that’s not part of it.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: “Okay, ghost story over. The neighbor’s outside and in handcuffs. I still have no idea what’s happening, but there was no gunfire, and things seem to be wrapping up peacefully. I’ll update when I get details.”

Em: Okay…

Christine: Enter, enter. Line. Enter, enter. “Ah fuck, it’s been two years.” [laughs]

Em: Yo. [laughs]

Christine: This is the most commitment of anybody. Sorry, I know that you said it was– you forgot for two years but like to come back to it two years later is c– That shows even more strength, I think, than doing it all at once.

Em: I would have just deleted it and been like, “Oh, I never sent it. Oh well.”

Christine: I would have never thought about it again.

Em: But– Okay, but that’s, that’s one of my favorite things about time travel is that like it took two years for you to write this fucking story from the beginning of–

Christine: Incredible.

Em: From the beginning of the email to the end of the email took you two years, but for us, it all happened in a moment. Isn’t that just like so crazy?

Christine: In a m– That’s– And–

Em: I know that’s the dumbest thing I could say right now, but it, it always blows my mind.

Christine: It’s not! It’s not. And in the two years, that, uh, in the two years that you spent like kind of coming back to this email, like so much was moving and shifting and happening. And now we’re all just at one point in time.

Em: That’s beautiful.

Christine: Yeah, I really like that, Em. “Ah fuck, it’s been two years. The damn ADHD’s got me again. This is already so long. I’m so sorry, but I have SWAT neighbor updates.” [laughs]

Em: Finally. Can you imagine if it’s been going on for two years and–?

Christine: But this is, this is literally the fucking like way I need people to understand that I text them. Like, “Oh, sorry. It’s been six years since we talked last. How are you?”

Em: “Yeah, sorry I– Just, just waking up to this. Just seeing this.”

Christine: “Just waking up to this. Uh, totally forgot to respond.” Um–

Em: Which like why did you find out– Were– You must have like not checked your drafts for two years or something to realize that this was just sitting there. You know?

Christine: Well, I wonder if it was one of those things where you like start something, and then you’re like, “Oh, I gotta send that email.” And like for a while maybe it’s on your to-do list, but then over time, it like falls off–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: –but it’s still kind of there.

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: And then one day, you think like, “Oh, I never sent that SWAT story,” you know. I wonder if it was like– I wonder if we were haunting you for those two years.

Em: Just, just know that it was all worth it.

Christine: It was. Uh, okay. “Apparently, the neighbor was in active psychosis and got into a road rage incident. He ended up following the other person in the altercation, and when he got out of his car, [gasps] the neighbor shot him before taking off and going back to his house, next door to my parents. I never found out whether the shooting victim survived, but if SWAT showed up, I worry about the answer to that.”

Em: Mm.

Christine: “Thanks for reading this long ramble and everything y’all have put into the pod over the years. I’ve been listening since 2018, and it’s been such fun getting to listen to your stories emerge and to hear you all blossom. Your longtime listeners are so proud of you! Keep up the good work. Much love from a fellow chaos gremlin, Miranda”

Em: Wow.

Christine: Wow. Wow. Wow.

Em: You did it. You never have to email us again. That’s great.

Christine: I know. You really nailed it. There wasn’t even like a story for another day. You put ‘em all in one.

Em: [laughs] You said another year? Don’t know her.

Christine: Another year? Fuck off with that.

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Story 2 - Creepy Ass Camping Story

Em: Wow. Thank you, Miranda. Um, this, uh, from NJ who uses she/her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns, NJ. And the subject line is “Creepy Ass Camping Story.”

Christine: Oh, I don’t– You don’t– I don’t like a camping– No.

Em: Uh, NJ says, “I have listened to you guys since 2018 and have wanted to send in this story forever. So six years later, my procrastinating ass has finally gotten around to it.” Okay–

Christine: Is that the secret theme, Eva?

Em: Is that the theme this time ‘round? That everything is just very incredibly holy shit delayed?

Christine: I-is– Do you think Eva’s trying to give us a message? [laughs]

Em: I get it. I procrastinate. I get it.

Christine: [laughs] I get it. Our Slack notifications are through the roof.

Em: I get it, Eva. Uh, okay. “I’ll try and condense this wild story best I can. When I was 16, I went with my camp group to do volunteer trail work on Mount Bierstadt, one of the 14ers here in Colorado. I arrived to a half circle pull-in camping, camping ground right off the road, just a few miles down from the trail head, around 8 p.m. or so. The plan was to sleep there so that way we could be– uh, we could be at the trail to start work by 6:30 in the morning.” I can’t believe you volunteered to do this.

Christine: Oh my god.

Em: “When, when we arrived, our counselors (who are probably a few years older than us ) go to the neighboring camp site to let the folks know that we are here as a camp group, we’ll try and keep it down. When they got back, they told us it was a group of young guys on vacation from Italy and to make sure to stay in our space (aka don’t go flirt with the 20-year-old Italian dudes).” Which–

Christine: Oh, and that’s hard because they are flirtatious.

Em: And yikes, they’re 20 and you’re 16. But also I remember being 16 and that not mattering. So.

Christine: Oh, it mat– It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I mean, to me– to, to the– often, to– at the– at that age.

Em: That– To me. To the 16-year-old. Yeah. “That night it was me and two of my friends in the tent closest to the neighboring campsite. Our tent was pretty shitty, and the rain fly didn’t fully cover the mesh windows. And since we were all 16, we were staying up way too late talking, when all of a sudden my friend B whispers ‘Holy shit, there is someone outside the tent.’”

Christine: Mm, nope.

Em: Then there’s another person, S, which I love that this is Serena and Blair obviously.

Christine: [laughs]

Em: Um, “when S and I turn to look, we are both able to faintly make out in the dark a figure in a hoodie crouched down, peering in at us through the gap in the rain fly.”

Christine: Fuck off.

Em: “I tell my friends that we should scream for help to wake up the counselors. S goes ‘No. If we scream, he’ll totally stab us.’” Which–

Christine: No, you gotta– I think in that moment– I don’t know.

Em: In that way– Like I don’t even know what the right thing is because–

Christine: [sighs] I don’t either. ’Cause S would scare me straight in a minute–

Em: I– I don’t–

Christine: –but I also think screaming is probably the s– the thing that will startle them the most, cause them to run away.

Em: Right. I don’t know what the right thing is.

Christine: I don’t either. I think it just depends.

Em: Uh, “we lay there whisper screaming at one another, flipping out for a while. I grab my bigger metal flashlight–“

Christine: Yes.

Em: “–and decide I’ll use it as a weapon if he tries to come in. For at least an hour or so, the three of us sit back to the back, watching and crying as he circles the tent, drifting in and out of the trees as he wanders around before finally leaving.”

Christine: W-What? Get a fucking life, you creep.

Em: “A little while after he’s left and we calmed down a bit, B lets us know she has to pee.” Well, B, piss your pants.

Christine: B–

Em: I don’t know what to fucking tell you.

Christine: Piss in my flashlight. I don’t care, but don’t go out there. Gosh.

Em: [laughs] Use that fucking rain gap that doesn’t exist apparently.

Christine: For real. For real. Pee out the flap.

Em: “There was no way in hell we were letting her go pee in the woods after that, so she opens the tent and pees like 2 feet outside while S and I are on standby with our flashlight weapons.” Which wild, by the way. Like I know this is like not like– It’s just the irony of like being scared that this guy was gonna do something and then dropping trou right outside the tent like moments later.

Christine: [laughs] Like mooning him immediately.

Em: [laughs] I know.

Christine: It’s actually kind of a power move.

[laughs]

Em: It’s a very dominant move. “In the rush, B accidentally pissed all over her own sweatpants.” Oh, so pissed her pants.

Christine: [laughs] Oh no, not a power move anymore.

Em: “So she took them off and let them– left them outside in the tent.” Which part of me is already worried because isn’t that like the scent like a bear could smell or something? Anyway, whatever.

Christine: The pee smell? I don’t know.

Em: “I tell my friends to get some sleep and I’ll sit guard all night.” That would have been me because I’m not going to bed obviously.

Christine: Yeah, forget it.

Em: “Around 4 a.m., I started to drift off but– drift off but violently woke up to the tarp flying off the roof of the tent while I heard my mother screaming my name.”

Christine: [yelling] What? [normal volume] Sorry, that was so loud. What the fuck?

Em: “I jumped up, ready, but whatever was around sounded like it slunk back into the woods.”

Christine: Huh?

Em: “Finally, the sun crested, and I got maybe an hour of sleep before we got up and got ready to go. When we got up, the pair of pants B had peed on were gone, and the backpacks near our tent had been rifled through, and all the bras and underwear were missing.”

Christine: God.

Em: “We then proceeded to tell our counselors about our night. They went over to confront the group next to us since they were the only other people at the grounds that night. But when they got back, they told us the campsite was completely empty–“

Christine: Fuck.

Em: “–and the car was fully open and on.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “Anyway, we complete– we complete our volunteer work and just kinda move on. But almost a week later, I finally get home, and my mom asked me if anything happened on that specific night.”

Christine: What?

Em: “She told me she woke up at around 4 a.m., screaming my name–“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “– and felt like something was wrong and I was in danger.” Oh my god.

Christine: Oh my god. Oh–

Em: So your mom woke you, like astral woke you up in time.

Christine: Oh my god. And the craziest part is your mom didn’t even know. Like she didn’t even like see a vision of you there. She just was like, “I just woke up screaming your name out of my own control, and it just–“ Higher powers. Something. Wow.

Em: Wow. And the– I mean, I’ve said this one before, but that reminds me of, um, Deirdre’s stepmom’s story where she like– Her and her daughter both had the dreams from different perspectives that someone was gonna break into the house and hurt them.

Christine: [sighs] Yes.

Em: Ugh.

Christine: So disturbing and so–

Em: It’s so weird that like the power of like a mother/child– in dream– dream versions of them.

Christine: That bond, yeah– that you– that consciously, neither of them even realize.

Em: Yeah. Oof. Wow, that’s, that’s pretty much it. That’s it. So, um–

Christine: That got me. That got me good.

Em: Wow. Well done.

Christine: What a story.

Em: That was, in fact, terrifying. So once again, we choose the bear. Um–

Christine: [laughs] Every time.

Em: ‘Cause they just grabbed all your shit and then ran away. Yuck.

Christine: Well, not all your shit. Just your fucking undi– underwear.

Em: Just, just the s– just the intimate ones, yeah.

Christine: Gross.

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Story 3 - My Dad’s Criminal Background, The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Christine: Okay. This was sent in by Ash, she/her, and the subject is “My Dad’s Criminal Background, The Gift That Keeps On Giving.” [laughs]

Em: [laughs] Alright.

Christine: Ah, I like it already. “Hey Team Lemon, I’m going to skip the intro, ’cause this could be a bit long, but this is the story of how my dad’s criminal background ultimately led to my grandma and her ‘neighbor’ being held at gunpoint.” [laughs] “These events–“

Em: What? Okay.

Christine: [laughs] “–le– uh, lead to a police stand-off, but first some background. Heads up, I’m from North Dakota, so everyone in this story owns a damn gun. My dad suffers from addiction and has an extensive rap sheet. However, most of his life he got away with low level misdemeanors. That was until 2007 when he threatened his girlfriend and ended up with a temporary restraining order on August 17th. He went on to violate this restraining order by buying a high-powered handgun that day.”

Em: Oh, fuck. That day. He couldn’t fucking wait, could he?

Christine: That day. That’s so disturbing. “He then went to the shooting range with two friends. For the sake of the story, I’ll refer to them as A and P. A got into a struggle with my father, trying to take the weapon from him, and P tried to break up the struggle. P was shot in the leg during this incident by my dad.”

Em: Mm.

Christine: “It was ruled an accidental shooting, but it was still considered reckless endangerment. I don’t know if it was really an accident or not. My dad has always had a temper and hates when he doesn’t get his way. He was sentenced to three counts of reckless endangerment and one count of disobedience of a judicial order but did over 200 days of time waiting for his hearing, so by the time the hearing came around, he was given credit and got out almost immediately on probation. He connected again with the girlfriend who had previously had the restraining order against him that year (2008), and this relationship was tumultuous. One night, they were fighting, and he ended up threatening to kill himself, her, and her son (who was a minor).”

Em: Oh, shit.

Christine: “This was more than enough to violate his probation, and he was sentenced to one year for each violation, racking himself up four years of time. He later got out on some weird appeal and now pretends like that means he was wrongly convicted. He wasn’t. Someone just fucked up in the court system. Anyway, he made some interesting friends in prison. Well, one of these friendships was with Brandon Lyon, who he later recommended to my grandmother, who was looking for someone to do work on her home in 2015. I’m not sure if he was even qualified, but she hired him. My grandma and her neighbor, Tom, (and the tea, Em–“ This is in parentheses. “(And the tea, Em, is that they were definitely dating but refused to acknowledge it out loud to anyone, insisting on calling him her– her neighbor or friend)”, but they were definitely h-hooking up.

Em: [laughs] Thank you for knowing that’s exactly what I wanted. Thank you.

Christine: That’s right. I did see earlier they wrote “neighbor” in quotes, and I was like “oh, maybe that means he lives across the street, not next door.” No, it meant that they’re fucking apparently. Okay.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Uh, Tom– my neighbor– Grandma and Tom “were in their home one day when Lyon showed Tom that he could get into my grandmother’s gun case without breaking the glass or damaging the lock. He started to say he was going to take my grandma’s gun and her five dogs to go hunting, but eventually (and I don’t know how), things took a turn, and he pointed the gun at Tom’s face.”

Em: Uh-oh.

Christine: “He told my grandma she could leave but said he wouldn’t let Tom leave and that he was ‘going to take him out.’”

Em: Oh, shit.

Christine: “Tom and my grandma made a run for it out the back patio to Tom’s house, two doors down, where they called the police.

Em: Good.

Christine: “The police and SWAT–“ Again, SWAT team.

Em: Hm.

Christine: “–had to barricade the entire block and proceeded to–“ [laughs] And they told this one girl to go downstairs into her parents’ basement and, and await further instructions.

Em: Right. [laughs] And then she live tweeted us.

Christine: Yeah. [laughs] That would be so trippy.

Em: That would be.

Christine: Uh, “the police and SWAT had to barricade the entire block and proceeded to have an exhaustive 15 hour standoff with the man. Eventually, the windows were broken, and the house was tear gassed with 27 rounds of gas.”

Em: Oh my god.

Christine: “This effectively destroyed everything in the house, including lots of my late grandpa’s war memorabilia. Rumor is his journal may have survived, but it’s been lost at this point, and I’ll probably never get to read it. Anyway, the man had an extensive violent record and was given a life sentence for these crimes. My grandma and Tom have both passed on now, and so the details of this story are just from memory, but it’s one of many police altercations that happened at that home. Maybe one time I’ll write about the time I went to my cousin’s house and got a call from my mother that my dad had fled the house after physically fighting with my stepmom–

Em: [laughs]

Christine: “–and how my stepmom ended up in a separate police chase later that night. [laughs] Until then, this is why I drink. Love, Ash.” Girl.

Em: Um, okay. You need to write a novel.

Christine: Get it together.

Em: Um, that’s a lot of twists and turns that we didn’t even cover. We didn’t even unpack.

Christine: That– I, I– We didn’t even have time to unpack it all. This is a saga.

Em: [laughs] Y-Yeah. Um, that would have been very funny if they– if both SWAT instances were actually the same instance.

Christine: Wouldn’t that be crazy? I know, I know.

Em: Ah, well, thank you for your story. We have another one– That’s from Ash, right?

Christine: Yes.

Story 4 - “Tap, Tap, Tap” or “How Em Saved Me From A Ghost”

Em: Ash. This is from Mckayla, and we don’t know Mckayla’s pronouns. Uh-oh. So we’re gonna go with they/them. And, uh, their subject line is “‘Tap, Tap, Tap’ or ‘How Em Saved Me From a Ghost’”?

Christine: Oh, jeez. What could that possibly mean?

Em: Uh-oh, what’s happening to my head? Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Christine: It’s growing. It’s ballooning. Help! Help!

Em: Oh gosh. Uh, Mckayla says, “Hey Eva! And if this gets read on the actual pod, hey Em, Christine, and the whole And That’s Why We Drink gang! My little family along with my husband’s family went on a cruise this past August. And this is only crucial to the story as it had everything to do with where my mother-in-law decided to book our hotel the night before. We were leaving out of a port in California, and she hates California traffic, so she wanted to stay in a hotel as close to the port as possible.” Let me guess. Queen Mary’s coming. “So she was proud of herself as she found a hotel that was actually a boat docked in the same port as the one we needed to be at.”

Christine: Hm. Ah-ha.

Em: “And we are staying at the Queen Mary.”

Christine: Yes!

Em: “Apparently, before making the reservations, she checked with my husband, my brother-in-law, and my sister-in-law to make sure that these commo– these accommodations were acceptable. Only Mic, my brother-in-law, knew about the ship’s reputation, but he kept his mouth shut, thinking it would be funny.”

Christine: [laughs]

Em: “I was apparently the last one to know the plans, and I about shit myself with excitement when my pa– husband told me we were staying there.”

Christine: [laughs]

Em: “So I broke the news to everyone that we were staying on a haunted ship and that I had every intention of trying to do a ghost hunt when I was there.” Uh, so “fast forward to the day of, and we get to our rooms, and I’m ready for this hunt. The rest of the family decided to join me, save for my mother-in-law and father-in-law who decided to watch the kids.” They were like, ‘No, thank you.’”

Christine: [laughs]

Em: Uh, “so it’s me, my husband, my sister-in-law, her husband, and my brother-in-law with a few other strangers exploring the boat. It was exciting, and the boat is beautiful and super creepy. I’m sad to say that we didn’t encounter much, just a few flickering lights, but overall, I was still happy that I tried. Once back in my and my husband’s room, I stood in the middle of the room and said, ‘I don’t know if any ghosts followed us back to our room, but I would like to say, “No, thank you. We need to go to sleep.”’” You know I love saying, “no, thank you.”

Christine: That is a literal Em quote.

Em: Go, “No, thank you.

Christine: “No, thank you!”

Em: “No, thank you. I don’t–”

Christine: It works, you guys. It works.

Em: It does. I just go, “That’s– I see, and I acknowledge, but no, thank you.” “My husband made fun of me for my proclamation, and we both went to bed. The next morning I knocked on my sister-in-law’s door, which is directly across from mine, to see if she wanted to get coffee with me. Now, my sister-in-law is a pretty early riser, so I was surprised at how tired she looked. She told me that all night she kept hearing tapping on the door.”

Christine: [laughs]

Em: “I asked her to elaborate and she said it was just a tap tap tap, like when you wanna, like when you wanna knock but aren’t sure if anyone is awake so you do it lightly or just with your fingernails.”

Christine: Like how Eva taps, and we just lose our minds. Like t–

Em: Like how Eva taps.

Christine: ’Cause she’ll tap where you’re like, “Did I hear something?” But you’re not sure.

Em: She’ll tap, she’ll tap like this. [silence] Exactly. She– [laughs]

Christine: Yeah, exactly. Now you get it.

Em: [laughs] You don’t hear it at all, and then she goes, “Oh, well, I knocked on the door for like ten minutes.” What are you talking about? No, you did not.

Christine: Yeah, yeah.

Em: Uh, “the second time it happened, she got up thinking maybe it was me, but no one was there, and the hallway was empty. She then told me every time she would drift off to sleep, she would hear the tapping and that once the tapping sounded like it came from inside the room instead of the outside of the door.”

Christine: It was like, “Well, since you didn’t answer, I’ll just see myself in.”

Em: [laughs] Yeah, right.

Christine: Like no. No, no, no. That’s not how this works.

Em: “At first, I’ll admit that a part of me was a little annoyed because the only reason that she came to the ghost hunt was because everyone else did and she got to experience something.” Uh– and sh– Oh, “and she’s the one who got to experience something. However, the rest of me is glad that the ghosties respected my ‘no, thank you’ and let me sleep peacefully. And I know this story isn’t all that exciting, but thank you for listening.” No, I think it’s exciting.

Christine: I love it.

Em: I– At th-he second you titled it “I saved you from a ghost–“

Christine: Well, of course we knew you would love it, but yes, I– [laughs] I also love it. I think Em does a good job giving the just sage and simple advice of setting a boundary, which like I mean, honestly, I’m not good at. And guess what? Like weird things have happened ’cause I don’t follow that rule, so.

Em: There are a lot of times. I mean, I do it to a point of–

Christine: Excess? [laughs]

Em: –angering– I do it, I do it annoyingly, but I would rather annoy everyone for a couple minutes than like ever have something follow me back that isn’t welcome. And like so far, knock on everything, but like it has worked. So–

Christine: It feels like Mckayla’s a combination of us because, uh– We don’t know their pronouns, right? Uh, they–

Em: No.

Christine: Sorry, not to– [laughs] not to immediately bring that up again. I just wanna make sure I don’t mess it up.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: But, um, no, the fact that they’re like, “Oh, [laughs] I did what Em said and protected myself, but then I wished I hadn’t a little bit.” Like that’s the combination of you and me.

Em: That’s the Christine, yeah.

Christine: Right? ’Cause the me is like, “I’m just gonna let Em say it, and I’m not gonna say it. And I’m gonna see what happens.” And then I–

Em: That is how it usually goes.

Christine: I live to regret the tale. Yes.

Em: You’re just like– Christine will, in a haunted house, literally go, “What Em said.” Like, “Ditto.” [laughs]

Christine: I’ll go like, “Ditto, but like if you really wanna come home, you can.” Like I’m, I’m so bad about it. ’Cause I’m just like, “I want something to happen.” Um.

Em: No, I do so much. I like– I even like take sho– like a cleansing, like an intentional shower and like a– everything.

Christine: Okay, you [audio cuts off] advice to me, and I then saw it on a different, uh, platform, like a– some other– Masterclass or something I was taking where they said like, “Consider a, a shower. You can use it as like an energy cleanse as well.”

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: And then I was like, “Oh my god. Em does that.” And so I did that yesterday, and it was like so cathartic. It was like, “Oh, I feel like I’m just cleansing like the day off me.” I don’t know. There’s something very, uh– I, I think I might be turning toward the sun, aka Em.

Em: Oh? Oh, oh.

Christine: Um, yeah. You’re, you’re influencing me. Um.

Em: Okay, well. Finally.

Christine: For what it’s worth. Okay. Well, thank you so much, Mckayla.

Story 5 - My Former Youth Pastor Kidnapped A Child

Christine: This is from– Let’s– Oh. Oh no. Oh no. Okay. This is from Ky–

Em: Oh, yeah! What is it?

Christine: N-no. Um, uh–

Em: What?

Christine: Mm.

Em: What?

Christine: This is from Kylie, she–

Em: Okay. Hi, Kylie.

Christine: –she/her/hers, who says “My former youth pastor kidnapped a child.”

Em: Oh no.

Christine: I tried to tell you.

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Christine: “Hey Eva! [laughs] My name is Kylie, I’ve been listening to And That’s Why We Drink for about a year and have caught up to all the episodes! Thank you, Em and Christine, for giving me something to do at my job.” It says “at job,” which sounds very funny. It sounds like you just like put a blank like a Mad Lib. Like “something to do at blank.”

Em: [laughs] Aw, well.

Christine: Something to do at job. “The podcast has made me feel a lot less alone in my day-to-day, and I appreciate all the gay representation you guys bring to the table.”

Em: You are welcome.

Christine: “With that, let’s crack into it. Growing up, I went to church two to three times a week in a non-denominational sector of Christianity. With that came going to youth group from a young age; I attended youth group from about age [audio cuts off] to 17. We had a pastor that everyone loved!” Let me guess. A fucking pillar of the community, no doubt. No doubt.

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: Oh! “He was a pillar of the community–“ Sorry, I literally hate myself.

Em: Beautiful.

Christine: I’m so sorry. I hate myself. Okay. “We had a pastor that everyone loved. He was a pillar of the community if you will–“ I’m sorry. I’m so annoying. “–and everyone called him PJ–“ Yikes. “– Pastor Jordan.”

Em: Yuck.

Christine: Yuck. “I’d have personal talks with him and knew him from when I was around ten years old. I left the church a long time ago, and I’m currently Pagan. Let’s fast forward to the– to last year in 2022. Rumors started happening that a youth pastor had relations with a minor years prior. We found out that PJ had groomed a minor from around the victim’s age of 15. Said victim came forward as an adult about 10 to 15 years after this incident occurred.“

Em: Oh my god, and he’s still at the church? Well, no comment.

Christine: “Then more news came forward, and we found out that a lot more had happened with this ‘relationship’ quote unquote than anyone thought. Formal charges were brought against PJ. He fled Wisconsin to Florida (of course) and was brought back to Wisconsin to face charges. Everyone thought that was the end of it until last week.“

Em: [gasps]

Christine: “He’s now facing new charges of child sexual assault of a child under 13, child enticement, and bail jumping. It turns out he was quote unquote ‘mentoring’ a 12-year-old in Wisconsin again, picked this child up [audio cuts off] house to what the child thought was to have a talk, took him to a hotel, and, as PJ went to check in, the child called the police to let them know he’d been kidnapped.”

Em: Oh, shit.

Christine: Oh my god. “Unfort–“ [groans] “Unfortunately, PJ had already allowed things to happen in the vehicle before going to the hotel.” So he had already committed an assault before they even entered the hotel. “And the police did not arrive before the child was led to the hotel room–“ [gasps] Oh no. They didn’t arrive on time. And he was brought to the hotel room and sexually assaulted. “Shortly after, PJ was arrested, and now more charges are coming out against him. This whole story breaks my heart for the victims that PJ had. It’s a devastating feeling when you looked up to someone at such an influential age and to be taken advantage of by someone you looked up to. I’ve copied a link to the article as well if you want to read more. I didn’t include a lot of the details within the story as they’re pretty difficult to read. Thank you again for all you guys do in sharing the stories of the victims. Anyway, that’s why I drink this week. Here’s the link.” Whoa. That is fucking heinous.

Em: Wow. But also round of applause to the 13-year-old who was able to find a phone and call the police.

Christine: To call the police, I mean that’s–

Em: Even though they didn’t– They got there at least in time before even more could happen? I don’t know. But that’s so– At least he was, you know–

Christine: Well, at least that, that stopped the s– That stopped it.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: ’Cause that, that call came in. He was arrested. Yeah.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Wow. Wow. [sighs]

Em: Yeah. And that was, um, what was her name?

Christine: Oh, the, the, the submis– submitter was Kylie.

Em: Mm-hmm. Kylie. Oy. Yeah.

Christine: Yeah.

Em: Never mind to my excitement before the story. Now we’re just bummed. Maybe this one will be better, um, for our moods. I don’t know.

Christine: Hey, uh, I’m just scrolling through. Fun fact for everybody. It looks like a lot of the communications, uh, were happening on Snapchat between this guy and the minor.

Em: Oh.

Christine: So just an FYI like if anyone’s curious how the– that kind of operated. Worth mentioning.

Em: That’s wild that he was able to go back to work after that.

Christine: Well, he never went back to work, I don’t think–?

Em: No?

Christine: No, he’s in– No. No, no. He fled Wisconsin as soon as, um, as soon as the charges went through–

Em: Oh right, and then went to Florida. You’re right.

Christine: –went to Florida, and then just sexually assaulting another minor–

Em: Right. Right, right, right.

Christine: –and then was officially found and arrested ’cause that kid–

Em: [sighs]

Christine: Like you said, that brave ass kid called the cops and then was assaulted anyway. But thank god, yeah. Thank god they made the call. Eugh.

Em: Yeah, ’cause after that, it could have been he would get taken to a-another location or something. It could have– We don’t know what could have happened. Yeah.

Christine: Or he would do it to someone else. Or– Yeah.

Em: Yikes. Well, thank you for your story. Um, Eva really leaned in on the true crime this time, huh? Um–

Christine: I mean, I guess she warned us.

Story 6 - There’s A Man In The Ceiling

Em: She did warn us. This one, I think, is also a true crime.

Christine: Okay.

Em: I think? I say I think and definitely at the same time because I’m 50/50 fully on this, um, based on the subject line. You tell me what you think it’s gonna be, and then, um, we’ll see who’s right.

Christine: Okay.

Em: This is from Rachel who uses she/they. Love a double pronoun. And the subject line is “There’s a Man in the Ceiling.”

Christine: Oh! [laughs] Okay. Hold on. So of course, initial thought: true crime. But then I remember I was talking about how Grandpa lived in the floorboards.

Em: Right, exactly.

Christine: So yeah, you’re right. It could go 50/50.

Em: Okay, what– Which one are you betting? I’ll do the other one.

Christine: I mean, I’ll bet ghost ’cause you said true crime off the bat.

Em: Okay.

Christine: I feel like you, you, you get the true crime call. I’ll say ghost.

Em: Okay, okay. Rachel says, uh, “I’ve been binge-listening over the last few months, uh, at the strong recommendation of one of my best friends, who also experienced this first-hand, through– though from a different angle, and she agreed that it would be a good story to send.”

Christine: Ooh, hi best friend, even though you don’t get named.

Em: Yeah. [laughs]

Christine: I love that. “My best friend told me all about the show. Anyway, I’m not gonna give her a shoutout. Hahaha.”

Em: [laughs] “Haha.” “I assume everyone is very familiar with the concept of a haunted theatre.” Yes.

Christine: Oh, the– Just like the broad concept of a haunted–?

Em: Just like what, what one is, I suppose.

Christine: Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

Em: “Anyone who’s done live theatre for any length of time knows that the literal superstitions (like ghost lights and the Scottish play)– They pale in comparison to the spooky semi-sentience that most theatres tend to radiate.”

Christine: Whoa. [laughs]

Em: “I somehow–“

Christine: [laughs] That’s, that’s a sentence.

Em: D-didn’t know Edgar Allen Poe was on the horn.

Christine: Whoa. Ooh-la-la. What a– [laughs] “On the horn.” What a sentence.

Em: “I, somehow, was undeterred and remained, uh, such an insufferable theatre kid that I got a college degree in it. And this all happened during my university production of The SpongeBob Musical.”

Christine: [laughs] Yes! Of course it did. The most haunting of all musicals.

Em: Which, by the way, uh, love that, that, that we’re reading this weekend because The SpongeBob Musical starred Ethan Slater, who is in Wicked. Um, so, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. “Yes, The SpongeBob Musical exists. Yes, it’s surprisingly good.” Can confirm. It is weirdly good.

Christine: Okay, everybody has been recommending it. Like they’re like, “the second Leona shows any interest, you gotta get on that train.” My friend, Stephanie, was like, “Just start with the soundtrack. It’s bananas.”

Em: It’s– You would not think it’s gonna be good and then you go, “Alright. Never mind then.”

Christine: “Okay, I was proven wrong.”

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Em: “Now every production has a variety of hiccups, but this show had many. Most of them came down to the bottom line of a director who had a vision that demanded things that are hard to do on a college’s budget, crew, and timeline. Let’s just say lackluster forethought was a– happened about that. But you know the show must go on, so we figured it out and put on a hell of a production, even as a flashlight prop went missing and a stomach bug ravaged the first production weekend.” Oh no.

Christine: Oh no.

Em: I have had a stomach bug ravage our production. Um– Me and Eva went–

Christine: And it sure did. It sure– It went scorched earth on our production. [laughs]

Em: [laughs] “The second weekend is where things got strange. It was the middle of the second act, during Squidward’s tap dance number–“

Christine: [laughs] Of course! Poor Squidward.

Em: “–(yes, he does it with an extra pair of legs).” Of course, ’cause he’s a squid.

Christine: Well, yeah. Of course. That’s silly.

Em: He should be doing it with two extra pairs of legs.

Christine: That’s an octopus.

Em: Um– No, a squid is six legs.

Christine: Oh, I see. I thought you meant eight. Yeah, you’re right. You’re 100% right.

Em: “It came backstage– I came backstage to see three of my castmates searching around with their phone flashlights. And my first assumption was that someone had dropped something in the dark and they were trying to find it, so I asked what they were looking for.” Maybe Squidward’s legs. Um, “‘there was a strange man back here,’ they said.”

Christine: What? Wha– Under the fucking vanity?

Em: [sighs] “Word spread quickly through the cast in hushed voices, and pretty soon, everyone was on edge. Apparently, right after intermission, a bald man no one had seen before stumbled through the light booth–“

Christine: No.

Em: “–(an area you can’t get into from the audience) and shoved past the freshman working the spotlight before disappearing.”

Christine: Of course, the poor freshman who’s like, “I’m just trying to do– to hold, hold my own.”

Em: And no one’s even gonna believe the freshman, you know.

Christine: Ugh.

Em: “We soon heard that one of our professors had seen him in the backstage hallway during intermission and told him to leave, but clearly he didn’t make it far. Naturally, we all freaked out, but not enough to stop the show; it’s the cardinal rule.”

Christine: Mm.

Em: Uh, “personally, I felt safest on stage because in order–“

Christine: Imagine being dressed as fucking Patrick Star, and you’re like, “The show must go on. All, all our ancestors who, who did theatre before us– Shakespeare himself–“ and you’re dressed as like fucking Patrick Star and Gary the snail. And everyone’s like, “Yeah.”

Em: [laughs] But as Patrick, you mean sexy Patrick in the fishnets, obviously.

Christine: Of course I mean sexy Patrick. Duh.

Em: Uh, “personally, I felt safest on stage because, in order to do anything to any of us, he’d need to come out into full public eye. So we finished the show–“

Christine: Yeah, come hurt me in front of the audience. I dare you.

Em: “So we finished the show, and I got out of costume and went out to the lobby to greet people, which I do every night. At that point, I assumed the man had found his way out of the building. Then we were told they had to close the lobby, and ‘everyone, please go outside.’”

Christine: What?

Em: Not a single bedside manner there, uh, apparently. [laughs]

Christine: I, [laughs] I actually thought this was a ghost until now.

Em: “No need to worry, uh, but someone– You need to leave immediately.”

Christine: [gasps]

Em: Yeah, u-up until now I thought it was a ghost too for sure.

Christine: I really thought it was gonna be a ghost because they’re like looking for him.

Em: “Most of the cast and crew were still backstage, quarantined in the men’s dressing room while the police came and searched for the man.”

Christine: Oh my god.

Em: “And he was, apparently, still there.”

Christine: No!

Em: This is where that SWAT team– Why don’t we have the live tweets of this?

Christine: This is getting weird, this SWAT team nonsense. I, I’m getting a little freaked out.

Em: “I went back to the apartment, where my aforementioned friend waited up with me for our other roommate, who was stuck in the theatre.” I can’t imagine just waiting and knowing someone’s stuck in a theater.

Christine: No, no, no, no, no.

Em: “I filled her in on the situation while I got updates from the other people on-site. And not only was the bald man still in the building, he was in the ceiling–“

Christine: [gasps]

Em: “–up in the catwalks where the lights were hu– uh, hung, high on something, and they couldn’t get him down.” Can you imagine–?

Christine: Okay, but like to be fair that is the best– Right, like the best place to fucking hide. Like who would look up there if, if you weren’t familiar with a theatre setup.

Em: And also it’s so funny that he’s like, “Aw, I got busted.” And now he’s like, “I’m too scared to come down. I don’t know how to climb down.”

Christine: He’s like a cat in a fucking tree. Like what are they gonna do?

Em: [laughs] Yes. That happened to me in a, in like a ski lodge one time ’cause they had like a big loft, and I couldn’t get the s– I couldn’t get down the stairs– or down the ladder.

Christine: Oh, oh, I’m with you. I’m with you. There’s a video somewhere my brother has of me where I booked– I thought it was really cool and quirky. I booked a room (it was literally this past summer) for me, my mom, and Alexander in Atlanta, and it was, um, at the Hotel Clermont, which has the strip club attached–

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: Anyway, that whole thing. And book– But I booked like a group room where it has like loft– like bunk beds. And of course, I was like, “I’m the oldest. I get the top bunk.” But like trying to get down, I was like trying to put my– And of course it was all like aesthetic, you know?

Em: Mm.

Christine: So the ladder’s not really– It’s– So I start sticking my legs out, and I just keep like kind of pushing myself off. And I look down, and Alexander’s fucking filming, which then, of course, I panic.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: And I end up– Anyway, it– There’s no glamorous or graceful way to get down, so as this robber, this intruder, I can see the social anxiety of–

Em: Totally.

Christine: –everyone watching, and you being like, “I gotta get down.”

Em: Everyone’s watching. And you don’t even– And now you don’t look cool ’cause you also got busted.

Christine: You sure don’t–

Em: It’s not like you did like a cool getaway.

Christine: You didn’t even do it right.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: And now Em is Face– And now Em is, is live tweeting the whole thing, and it’s so embarrassing for you.

Em: Mm-hmm. “My friend was constantly backstage to prep for this show and had helped hang those lights around two weeks prior. And it was another area– It was another area that couldn’t be accessed from public spaces. So you had to go up two different ladders–“ Now there’s two ladders he can’t get down.

Christine: Yikes.

Em: “–that were already tucked into weird dark corners filled with wires and ropes.” So now if he fucks with a wire or rope, things could s–

Christine: No, this is starting to become Clue.

Em: “Based on the food wrappers, the discovery of the ‘missing’ flashlight, and the length of time our band director had been smelling unexplained cigarette smoke–“

Christine: [gasps] No!

Em: “–the bald man could’ve been in the building for as long as three weeks and living in the ceiling for at least a week and a half.”

Christine: And he thought, “Everyone’s gonna be distracted during Squidward’s tap dance number. Why don’t I just scooch on past?”

Em: I like– And also like that is freaky that like for the last three weeks– You know three weeks before a show, all the kids are there for rehearsals nonstop.

Christine: All day, every– Yeah. Any hour of the– of after school. Yeah.

Em: So I wonder if he was like, “I’ll sleep here at night, but I have to keep myself occupied for like 20 of the 24 hours a day where I’m not around.”

Christine: Do you– Yeah.

Em: But also they were smelling cigarette smoke and–

Christine: Yeah, do you think he was just like lurking because of the kids? Like ch– there’s dressing rooms, there’s changing rooms, or do you think he was just like looking for a place to hide out? I guess– Maybe we’ll find out.

Em: No, I think he was just looking for a place to live–

Christine: To live?

Em: I don’t know. I, I like your idea of like, “Oh, everyone’s gonna be distracted by the play that like I could probably get back up there, and no one will know.”

Christine: “I’ll just scooch my way.” By the way, Christine heard it and thought it was a ghost, so like I probably would have said, “It’s just a ghost.”

Em: Yeah. Well, he probably thought like, “If I’m living here, as soon as the play is over, they’re gonna lock up. I need to get in there right now before like it’s closed for the night.”

Christine: Very good point. And when they’re closing down, they would have– Yeah, yeah. Very good point. Very good point.

Em: So he has to get in before security starts doing scans of the place, and it happened to be during a play.

Christine: What do you think he does when he’s not there?

Em: I imagine plays chess in the park. I don’t know.

Christine: [laughs] Yeah, you know, something really wholesome I’m sure. [laughs]

Em: Uh, “he was eventually removed, and everyone got home safely. And we finished the run of the show with no more hiccups and many jokes at his expense. Our director talked about pu– pressing charges, but I never heard anything about it. They didn’t even fix the issue of the building never fully locking.”

Christine: Oh no.

Em: Um. “You think your theatre has ghosts? Cool. Ours has The Bald Man.”

Christine: So you were right, for sure. I really thought– Before we even knew it was a theatre, I thought your true crime instinct was right. But I was like, “I’ll just go ghost.”

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: And then halfway through your story, I went, “I can’t believe I’m right.” [laughs]

Em: I really– I thought it was a ghost, for sure. Yeah.

Christine: If I had heard a theatre ghost in the ceiling like, I would have believed it for sure. Um, but that’s sad, and I wonder if like was he just, you know, experiencing homelessness or was it like more sinister. ’Cause it– I mean, it’s ha–

Em: Yeah, I don’t know.

Christine: It’s hard– You know. I can imagine a place is unlocked, and so, of course, it’s like an easy access, and, you know, maybe there’s places to like kind of, uh, isolated yourself, but then you think, “Okay, it’s also a high school.” Like it’s– It feel– Like a school– Like it feels like the worst place to be caught loitering and squatting.

Em: Yeah. Yeah. I also wonder like if he, he was experiencing homelessness, he must be pretty new to it because people weren’t– Well, he’d only been there for three weeks or maybe a week and a half, so unless he was coming from another place where he got busted.

Christine: Well, I was gonna– Yeah, maybe like bouncing around. I don’t know.

Em: But he seems well-dressed enough for a play that nobody thought he was out of place.

Christine: Oh, that’s, that’s true. Yeah, oh. I wonder– So it just feels a little sinister. I think probably just ’cause also it’s a bunch of minors. Like that just also ad–

Em: Mm-hmm. I think they’re college students, but yeah, very young.

Christine: Oh, oh, oh. I thought it was high school, but yeah. Still you’re right. Like just kind of– Um, a sexy Patrick Star. I mean, goodness gracious.

Em: [laughs] Mm-hmm.

Christine: Uh, wow, wow, wow. Okay. Great story. Um, wow. I can’t believe we’re at the end. Um, by the way, thank you, Rachel for that.

Story 7 - My Alien Icebreaker

Christine: So this is from anonymous, she/her. I love how they’re like, “I’m anonymous, but I’m a girl, bitch. Don’t forget it.”

Em: Right, right, right. “But I’m not a man. Don’t worry.”

Christine: Yeah, don’t worry. Thank you. I did need that reassurance, um, okay. Just kidding. I get really excited when men listen because it means they’re like–

Em: –on the winning team.

Christine: – in on it. Yeah. This is called “My Alien Icebreaker.”

Em: Great.

Christine: “Hi all! I’m a newish listener, and I started from the beginning so I’m only up to 2019. But I got to episode 122 (about pilots seeing UFOs)–“ That was such a good episode, Em.

Em: Hm.

Christine: “–and thought you might like to hear this story. I’m an aeronautical engineer–“ Oh my god. That’s why it’s anonymous. Oh my gosh.

Em: Absolutely. I see. Okay.

Christine: I see. “I’m an aeronautical engineer by trade and used to build flight simulators for military jet aircraft.” No big deal.

Em: You have seen so many things, I just know it.

Christine: No big deal. The power you hold. You contain multitudes, my friend, anonymous.

Em: I am– I, I, I know and fear your power.

Christine: I, I– [laughs] I fear and know your pow– I fear and recognize but from afar. Yeah.

Em: I acknowledge and sh– and shiver at the same time.

Christine: And, and don’t look you directly in the eye. Okay. “I worked closely with pilots during this time and whenever I met a new one, my favorite icebreaker was– [laughs]

Em: Obviously, “You seen an alien? UFO?“

Christine: “‘So, what’s your UFO story?’” [laughs] And Em has just been waiting for this. “Because there always was one. In 15 years, I met dozens of pilots, and every single one had a story for me. Most were a simple ‘I saw some weird shit flying over blank’ while other–“ Job. Sorry, that was an in-joke from earlier that nobody got but me.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: “‘I saw some weird shit flying over blank.’ While others were more complex and spooky. Unfortunately, I can’t go into more detail than that–“ Here let me rephrase that. Unfortunately, I can’t disclose any further details– [laughs]

Em: [singing ominous sting] ♪ Dun-dun-dun ♪♪

Christine: “–but I thought you’d like to know that UFOs have been openly discussed in the airborne communities for decades. These individuals are all highly qualified, have to pass rigorous testing, and are some of the most skeptical, no-nonsense people out there. And yet they all - ALL - believe in aliens. So there’s that.” Two eyes emoji.

Em: Mm-hmm. I mean, me too, and I didn’t have to become an aeronautical engineer. So who’s winning, you know?

Christine: Ooh!

Em: I’m just saying. [laughs]

Christine: You know what? No offense. Eva said to–

Em: But I’m onto something a little bit.

Christine: E– Eva and my therapist said not to say “but” to say “and.” No offense to you, Em, and I do trust an actual pilot more than I trust your opinion. No of– No offense, and that’s also true.

Em: I will say I unders– It’s nice to have actual confirmation, although I will say I have like–

Christine: I knew it. I told you so.

Em: Well yeah. I, I, I’ve never, I’ve never had to wonder, but this is such good information.

Christine: No, exactly. It’s like sorry we didn’t need to go to school to learn about aliens. Sorry we just believed it already.

Em: That’s like when Allison tells me she’s, uh, she was like an A+ student. I’m like, “And there was me, and we’re in the same place.” So, um– But–

Christine: Yeah, and “Congratulations. Look how far we’ve both come.” [laughs]

Em: [laughs] No, honestly, uh, there’s nothing more intimidating to me than an aeronautical engineer.

Christine: No, no, no, for real.

Em: But at the same time, if I met you at a bar, regardless of either of our experiences, we at least have one thing in common, and it’s that aliens are real.

Christine: You’re not going– You’re not– You’re not coming home until 2:30 in the morning–

Em: Now, that’s the truth.

Christine: –’cause Em has a lot to talk to you about.

Em: Sure do.

Christine: And we’ll, we’ll pay the bar tab all night long.

Em: Oh, no, if I ever meet an aeronautical engineer, I– Before I’ve even spoken to them, I’ve paid for their tab. And I’m– And then I go up to them–

Christine: Six people just picked up their phone and went, “Oh my god. I should DM them.”

Em: [laughs]

Christine: That’s my guess is that six aeronautical engineers listen. Can, can somebody confirm or deny that?

Em: I think, I think one, and they’ve written in, and that’s it. [laughs]

Christine: You think? You think one? Oh, I really would like to think six, but I– You’re right. Maybe it’s one.

Em: I’d like to think there’s a little team, and they all know each other.

Christine: Megan, can you find out– Can you do a poll on whether or not everybody is an aeronautical engineer? Thank you.

Em: [laughs] Thank you.

Christine: It’s really important. Cancel everything else. No, I know what Eva told you, but do what I say.

Em: Yeah, thanks, Megan.

Christine: No, you’re right. No, you’re right. Eva is the boss. Okay, do what Eva says.

Em: No– Megan, I know that Christine just left the room and, uh, Eva told you one thing, but now that both of them have left–

Christine: Where’s my wine?

Em: –please ask the aeronautical engineers: one, if they all know each other; two, if they do, can they join a squad a-and represent us as, uh, our UFO–

Christine: We want to be the civilian force.

Em: Yeah! That. Thanks Megan.

Christine: That was me– Oh. [laughs]

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I was like, “Wait, I said that, not Megan.” Okay. Yes, okay. Sorry. I was supposed to be in the other room anyway. Okay. Last thing is: “Love you all so much. Can’t wait to get caught up and maybe hear this read on air. Team wine (if that’s still a thing, lol).” And guess what? I rarely drink on episodes these days, but I gotta tell you, name redacted, I am vibing with you today.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: And I think I had to fill up my whole glass of wine out of that box because I forget sometimes how freaked out I am about alien conspiracies. So it says, “name redacted, she/her.”

Em: And you know what? I bet the she/her is actually a he/him who went full rogue, who was like–

Christine: Oh, you know what? That would be so fucked up and so awesome.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Like if you’re just like, “I’m just gonna really twist my identity around.” Although–

Em: Or, you know what, they’re a they/them, and now if anyone accuses them, they go, “You get– You said the wrong pronouns. Are you fucking kidding me?”

Christine: Ah, fuck! I was like right in the middle. It’s fine– You know. Fucking figure it out. Grow up, Grandpa.

Em: Yeah.

Christine: Get out of the floorboards. It’s 2024.

Em: I love that, um, i-it is– as far as I know, confirmed. And also I don’t know if anyone’s–

Christine: No, I think that was– I think was official. I’m not– No screwing around. No joking. I really think like if people are– We have had multiple people write in anonymously who work for– And okay, I, I know that sounds like, “Oh, we’re just being s–“

Em: An agency.

Christine: Yeah. And it sounds like, “Oh, we’re just being scammed.” But like no, there are things we’ve had to delete off– a couple, only a couple, but like things we’ve had to delete or things that felt too sensitive to read. We’ve gotten some interesting emails over the years, just a couple, but like some of them really were like, “Whoa.”

Em: Also, uh, I don’t know if anyone has– was keeping up with like the congressional–

Christine: Kardashians?

Em: [laughs] That too. I think it was a congressional hearing. It was the, um–

Christine: It was.

Em: –the UFO reports that were– that they were just talking about like a week ago. I mean, it worked out very well. I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but it is interesting that they were letting all those videos just go rampant after the election, and no one was paying attention. But, uh–

Christine: Well, they did that earlier in like July or whatever, whatever month it was they released, uh– I remember they released all the information. I think it was the Pentagon released all the information on a Friday at like 4:30 p.m.

Em: Yes! Yeah.

Christine: And it was like, “Okay. Okay.”

Em: And it weirdly worked. it was like– Anyway.

Christine: Yeah. Of course, it worked ‘cause People are like, “I’m tired.”

Em: But also, speaking of “I’m tired,” all of us are so fucked fed up with the world that like we’re getting confirmation of UFOs, and I’m just like, “Whatever. Like let them take me.”

Christine: And it’s– Yeah, whatever. And honestly, it’s like, oh, so there are still people who are going, “Oh, that’s a conspiracy.” Really? Look at the fucking world right now. Did you think any of this was going to come to fruition or be real life? I don’t fucking think so. Look at the world. This is what we live in right now. It’s insane. It feels like the game– It feels like somebody went to get their Kraft mac and cheese from the kitchen, and they forgot to pause their video game, and we’ve all just gone like completely rogue. And they came back–

Em: Yes. Everyone is in pools without ladders.

Christine: Literally! And ev– they came back and said, “Oh, shit. I guess maybe I should restart.” And I feel like any day now, we’re just gonna get hit the restart button. I don’t know.

Em: I really– It, it did– To see all those videos where it w– it was just like being confirmed of like, “Oh, we’ve had like–“ They literally said like bodies from crash sites or something since before we were even born.

Christine: Yes, they said they– They said they literally have biological specimens from other planets – or other parts of the–

Em: And you know what I did? And you know what I did? I went, “Eugh.” And then I kept swiping. I didn’t even–

Christine: [gasps]

Em: [laughs] I didn’t even care because so much happened in this stupid world in the last few months. I didn’t even fucking care.

Christine: And isn’t that cr– Isn’t that wild when, when, when aliens are the least of your concerns? [laughs]

Em: I’m like, “Take me with you. I don’t even fucking care anymore.”Or like–

Christine: It’s like when your entire civil liberties and existence are being threatened, they’re like, “But what about aliens though?” And you’re like, “Hang on a minute.”

Em: It’s like, “Okay. The aliens are gonna what? Take me away from all my freedom I don’t have? Oh no.”

Christine: “Oh, they’re gonna probe me. Fucking try again.” “Where do you live?” “Planet Earth.” I fucking hate people.

Em: Maybe the aliens will do an abortion for us. How about that? Like I don’t fucking know anymore.

Christine: Yeah. Hey, maybe they’ll, maybe they’ll fucking– [tosses Nice Cube] Oh my god, now I’m gonna make this Nice Cube a weapon in like five seconds or whatever it’s called.

Em: [laughs] Truly if, if they– if on the news tonight, it was like, “aliens have actually come and are beginning to invade,” I’d go, “Alright.”

Christine: “Duh! It’s about time.”

Em: I really don’t know what– I’m like– I’m kinda being funny, but also I really don’t know what I would do.

Christine: What do– No, I know, I know. It’s like being glib a little bit, but there is such a truth to the being– of how jaded we are and how like bad things have been that you’re– ’Cause I mean I know you’ve probably seen too like people talking about how our brains and our, our nervous systems were not built to–

Em: Nope.

Christine: –like absorb all of this. All of this information, all this negativity. Even all the positivity– Like we just weren’t built for this. We were built for smaller communities. And so like–

Em: We were built to rub sticks together and set fires sometimes. [laughs]

Christine: And like bonk each other every now and then when we were feeling horny so that we could make more of us, right? Like that was basically it. And like maybe have a petty squabble with Nancy the– two caves down. But–

Em: We were meant to float down the river, yeah. That’s about it.

Christine: Literally. And, and now it’s kind of like, “Oh, shit. Everything just means nothing, and nothing means everything.” I don’t know. A-and so, yeah, you’re right. The aliens– It’s like it you’re gonna come, now’s probably the time? ’Cause like we’re all just kind of like, “Fuck it.”

Em: I mean, if you really want to, um, take us away and deal with a lot of, uh, people who would be– who would submit to you pretty quickly, I’m on that team.

Christine: I’d like to– No, I’d like to be wave two. I’d like for Em to go first and then write me a few postcards ’cause I feel–

Em: Just give you a thumbs up from the craft, like, “We’re all good up here.”

Christine: That would– And then all the balloons like on Apple– on your Apple computer would just start floating up.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: I’m like, “Oh, okay. Oh no, now it’s raining. What could it mean? It’s thunderstorming on Em’s FaceTime.” Okay.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: Anyway, sorry. I know we were trying to, uh, keep things concise, but wow, that one got me good. And, um, thank you, anonymous/name redacted. What a fun and like, uh, little mysterious way to end that – “name redacted.”

Em: Yeah, my– The only other question I’d like to know is like when you see something, do you just fly towards it and just like hope that they’ll, they’ll take you away from this?

Christine: Okay. I– Okay, I also want to know from anonymous– Yes, Anonymous Aeronautic Engineer, I know you said you meet a lot of pilots and you ask. I would love to know– I mean, maybe you would have added it if that’s the case, but I would love to know some of your favorite stories that people have told you–

Em: Yeah.

Christine: –or if you have any of your own. And you can make it anonymous, like we’ll– I know that’s kind of a scary thing to write in if you’re–

Em: Right.

Christine: –if you’re trying to, uh, retain your information. But if we promise we’ll be very discreet about it, I would love to hear, uh, what your favorite stories were.

Em: You can, you can also email us and then even say in the subject line, “don’t tell anyone,” and then we can see it.

Christine: Oh, yeah. And then you write, “they/them,” and we’ll say, “It couldn’t be that other person ‘cause they have different pronouns.” [laughs]

Em: I– exactly, exactly. [laughs] Oh, man. Well, anyway, what a, what a way to end 2024’s Listeners’ Episodes. Um–

Christine: Hey, Em and I have been recording for five hours.

Em: [laughs]

Christine: So I’m so sweaty, and I have to leave at like 6 a.m. tomorrow, and it’s 6 p.m., and I’m– haven’t packed. Help!

Em: Good luck to us all in 2025. May the aliens be friendly when they approach us.

Christine: Oof. Yeah, and if you’re– We’re approaching Halloween– Nope. [laughs] We’re approaching the aftergl– the end of the afterglow of Halloween. We’re approaching Christmas–

Em: Mm-hmm.

Christine: –so if you’re feeling extra stressed, I’m so sorry. Know that we’re with– there– right there with you. And, uh, if you need a place to escape to, please just pop in to the show or, I don’t know, show up on Patreon where we do Yappy Hours about all sorts of random things like our own shadow work and [laughs] um, figuring out what subreddits we follow. So you can go there.

Em: And what, what blood of Christ we are.

Christine: A– Yeah, and– Well, that’s, that’s for the main feed, Em. We would never limit that to Patreon. That is for everybody to know.

[laughs]

Christine: But yeah. So, uh, thank you, everybody. And, uh, you know what? This is the last Listener of the– Episode of the year.